Can't live with him, not sure I can live without him

I don’t really know where to begin here. My partner and I have been dating for 4.5 years now, and have been engaged a little over a year. He really is my best friend without a doubt, and I do love him. He is 27 and I’m 23. We met back home and I ended up moving to a different state with him because he wanted to go to college in this particular city. I ended up transferring schools and all was great. He took some time off after we moved before starting again, so he has 2 years left while I will be graduating this semester. I’m going to be applying to medical school here soon, and then the plan is to move to wherever I get in (he would be able to most likely get a job anywhere given what he wants to do). We plan on getting married next summer closer to home.

It’s important you know how great we are together. We fell in love almost instantly, and progressed our relationship quite quickly. He is the most patient, understanding person you’ll ever meet. I genuinely don’t have a single bad thing to say about his character. We get along great, and when we don’t, we always communicate well and figure out what the issue is. We goof around a lot and are super weird together! Like I said, he is my best friend. However, sometimes it just feels like we’re friends…like there is a lack of romance in the relationship. We rarely have sex…like maybe once or twice a month. We spend a lot of time apart, usually because we are both so busy, but also because when we are home together, we spend time in different rooms. While this is devastating to me and I previously would have just addressed it with him so we could work on improving our relationship, I just don’t want to. I have talked to him about these things in the past. He always says repeatedly how much he loves me and how we’ll ‘figure it out’. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him anymore, at least I don’t think so. Mostly I don’t want to lose him, it’s pure selfishness really. I really do love him and care about him and his family SO much. My family is ty sometimes so his family is really mine at this point. We have our whole future planned out it seems. Which is why I feel so lost and confused right now.

I think when it comes down to it and I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure if I want to be with him anymore. It kills me, really. I would be devastated and would lose so much: my best friend, a family, and my entire future. Not to mention, I would lose over 50% of my income. I would not be able to afford living costs AND get ready to go to medical school without financial help that he and his parents provide for us. I know this last part is really selfish…trust me. I also fear the judgment I would receive if we broke off our engagement. It would shock everyone because our relationship seems so perfect from the outside, even to him I think.

I feel stuck. Perhaps stuck for the rest of my life. I wonder too if I end things with him I will regret it forever. I don’t think I could ever find another partner as understanding, calm and communicative as he is. Sometimes I just think that I don’t want to be in a long-term relationship in general. I know that can’t be true though. I get lonely easily so I think that would be hard for me. Now that I’ve typed this out I am thinking about giving it to him. I know that this would rip his heart out, and the thought of that makes me want to kill myself (actually). I’m worried I will muscle through the rest of my life feeling unfulfilled because I’m too afraid of the risk and too afraid to hurt someone.

If all of this weren’t enough…I’ve also been cheating (basically). My “ex” (it’s complicated) messaged me a few weeks ago. Keep in mind I am wildly attracted to this guy. He is a notorious player and knows all the right things to say. We ended up exchanging sexual conversation (including photos). We stopped talking recently and it made me crave any sexual attention I could get. I started posting nude photos online and ‘sexting’ with several men; one in particular. I know what I’m doing is NOT helping the situation at all. Is it a really ty thing to do, but I also catch feeling quickly for people, so I think when I talk to other people it contributes to my lack of desire for him.

I’m not sure why I’m even posting this for everyone to see…maybe for advice, but also because I need to tell someone since I’ve been burying it deep inside. I don’t want anyone to know. All of my friends and family think he is perfect. In some ways he is, but in other ways I feel deeply neglected. He can be very wrapped up in his own world sometimes. I really don’t think he has a clue I feel this way. I have been really good at hiding it, mostly. Other times I’ll get snippy or annoyed with him.

So this is my ed up lie of a life. I really appreciate anyone who reads this and would love any feedback. I have a feeling I already know what advice I’ll receive…that I should a) tell him this and/or b) I should break up with him…but I don’t want to…but also do.

Tldr; my almost perfect fiancé has become my roommate, and probably has no clue I feel this way. I fear I’m going to lose everything if I end it and fear I’ll hate myself if I don’t.

You need to end your relationship. OP.

Your guy might be a good man and great companion who everyone adores, but that doesn't mean you are compatible romantic partners. I also think that you are too young to be committing to a lifetime yet, especially when there are so many problems between you and you have relatively little experience apart from him.

Your desire to cheat is the symptom of the much bigger issue and the right thing to do would be to see yourselves free so you can both find more suitable matches.

Don't use him/his family for a cheap ride through med school.

I’m not sure if I want to be with him anymore. I would lose over 50% of my income. I would not be able to afford living costs AND get ready to go to medical school without financial help that he and his parents provide for us.

I’m going to go against the grain on this one. I don’t think you should break up.

The stuff you mentioned (spending time in separate rooms sometimes, diminished sex life, reduced romance, solid friendship, etc) sound like normal LTR stuff. That’s what happens in a LTR. It does get boring after a while. It’s true that you don’t get the heart-pumping lusty sexual feelings or the excitement. But what you get is much different and more precious - someone who will be by your side, love, companionship, stability, friendship, etc.

I think what happened is that something shiny walked by (your ex). He got your heart pumping and sold you a fairy tale. Now you are seeking that with other men.

To me, you are chasing the «new car smell». All new cars are shiny and smell awesome. It’s the car you actually end up with that’s important - because that smell goes away somewhat on all of them.

Maybe it’s youth. Maybe you need to see for yourself how that’s all an illusion. Maybe you just met at the wrong point in life. Maybe you need to chase that a bit so that you don’t always wonder «what if». (And maybe now i’m convincing myself that you should just breakup lol)

... but ultimately, i think you should quit the cheating and invest that time and energy into your relationship. (don’t get married just yet). See where that takes you.

I think you will feel much more “settled” about your decision if you are able to come to the conclusion that it’s not working based on it’s own merits, rather than comparing it to something shiny.

I have to disagree with the above poster. I don't think its inevitable that you will have sex once or twice a month in a LTR. There are many couples who have been together longer and enjoy more frequent sex. Unfortunately I think that your sex drives are incompatible. You just have to decide how important this is to you in a relationship. Personally, I need to feel desired by my partner. And clearly you have a desire to have sex more frequently. There are people out there who could match your desire more closely. You just have to decide whether this is something you think is worth losing your relationship over. Just remember that this likely will not change. So if there is a part of you thinking that his sex drive will somehow change over time, it is unlikely.

What would I do in your situation? I'd make one more solid effort to see if an emotional connection could be reestablished. The best way to change another person's behavior is to change your own. With the efforts you're making, he should start changing his own behavior for the better. Write him a note on everything you appreciate about him. Leave a sexy note with lipstick on the bathroom mirror. Tell him you'd like him to go with you to pick out new bedroom toys at the nearest couples store. Tell him you want to start doing a date night/day doing things you normally don't do. You're in charge of week 1 and he's in charge of week 2. Hike in a nearby park. Go to a flea market and make a game of picking out a doodad for each other that costs less than $10. Ask him for a foot rub when you're watching tv together, and reciprocate.

Give all these things time to work. If he cares, he will become the man you want him to be. If he doesn't care and nothing changes, know that you did everything in your power before throwing in the towel. If he does step up to the plate but you realize your feelings have left the building, know that's it's common to outgrow a relationship that starts in your late teens/early twenties.

Never prevent yourself from breaking up because he and his family will be upset. You have one life to live on this planet, and you can't be a sacrificial lamb and live an unhappy life to make others happy.

You can get a roommate or if possible, move back in with your parents for medical school. And you can get a loan. You wouldn't want someone to stay with you based on it being financially better for them, so don't do that to another person. And posting nude photos online? Can you really be that naive? Haven't you heard of the horror stories and how this will come back to haunt you? Stay alone for a good year to mourn the end of the relationship if you end up breaking up. You need this time to recoup to avoid the bad decisions you're making in the man department right now.

First, stop cheating. Not a moral judgement, it's just complicating an already complex and sensitive situation.

It sounds like he's perfect 'on paper', but the thrill is gone.

You might want to seek professional help with this one. Either solo, or as a couple.

Your fear is likely unfounded that this will ruin your life and future if you leave. It will be devastating and difficult. You will survive. The man you are probably looking for is a cross between your present guy and your ex. You need compatibility and desire. If you two are this young and the sex is already diminishing, it's not going to get better without some help, or not at all. Sex wise, you seem mismatched.

Whatever you do, be decisive.

Sometimes we have to be selfish. It's called survival. The trick is not to hurt or intentionally manipulate and use people. That's not what I'm suggesting is happening, just a thought.

OP I wonder how much of this is you wanting to be free and play the field for awhile vs actually being unhappy with this guy. I mean you are currently cheating not just with your ex but with other men as well... how do you think your current partner would feel if he found out about this? You are worried about devastating him if you break up with him but I think he would be even more devastated if he found out about what you were doing.

What part do you play in the romance dying in your relationship? What have you being doing to demonstrate love as an action vs. just a word people say? If you want to stay with this guy you need to find ways to rekindle the spark in your relationship again.

I'd skip worrying about who you'll shock: you're 23. It's naive for anyone to believe that you'll stay locked in the same LTR forever.

Free yourself, and never hold yourself hostage to anyone else's financial input. That stuff works itself out, but independence is the only way to prove that to yourself.

Do the right thing for both of you and break it off. Your relationship is already strained to the point of having serious self-doubt and then cheating, among other red flags.

Focus on your med school applications while stabilizing your living situation. Lastly, clean up your social media accounts and stop posting questionable pictures of any kind online. You are applying for highly competitive/coveted seats, do not give anyone reason to question your character.

It sounds like you are not serious about med school. Have you applied? Do you have the grades/scores to get in? Focus on this. Also focus on financial aid and student housing. Your life doesn't sound well planned out at all, until you figure out what you can and can't achieve and be able to facilitate it, apply your energy toward that.

I’m going to be applying to medical school here soon, and then the plan is to move to wherever I get in

 

I would lose over 50% of my income. I would not be able to afford living costs AND get ready to go to medical school without financial help that he and his parents provide for us.

 

I started posting nude photos online and ‘sexting’ with several men; one in particular.

Some young people 27 and below are not ready to fall in love yet. But this is just one possibility for you.

If you want to save it - you say he does not give you romance? Do you guys have a weekly date night, where you go out like it was the first couple of months you met? - you might have to give him an ultimatum to start being more romantic. Lack of romance can make a woman fall out of love. You might have to threaten to leave - or even walk out for a few hours or stay with friends or family or at a hotel for a day or more.

If you do want to save it, you also have to stop seeing your ex. - and don't tell your boyfriend that you cheated. It cold only hurt your current relationship but not help it. Keep in mind that openness and honesty are two different things.

Let me know what you think and I can elaborate on some things.

Two separate issues here …

1. Your incompatibility with your BF

2. Your willingness and easy going ability to just cheat because things aren't going the right way for you ….Thank god your not married because this would have been a bigger issue!

Point blank its easy, go your separate ways, you'll both be fine, it will take sometime to have a new normal routine but that will be that!