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Bf's parent's religious beliefs are ruining us.


rtist1512

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I've never written on a message board before. Although I have a great support system (my immediate family and handful of friends) I feel like I need to see if someone has gone through a situation similar to mine because I am completely distraught. So here's my story...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half now. I am 30 years old and he'll be turning 30 in a few months. We have been talking about getting married as early on as 4 months into our relationship. We knew that marriage and raising a family was our goal and we knew we wanted to start a life with each other. Last June, his lease was coming to an end with an apartment he shared with his sister (that year living with his sister was the first time either of them had moved out of his parents house). I have had my own apartment for 3 years now (meaning no roommates for the first time since college), and we were always spending time here. When the lease was up, him and his sister decided they no longer wanted to be roommates so the most logical decision was to move in together.

 

Here's the thing...we are both Christians and have both grown up in a Christian household. However, myself and my family are a little more liberal with our beliefs. And so is he. We have always seen eye to eye on life and our morals and beliefs. I didn't have plans on moving in with someone until I was at least engaged, but this seemed to be the best option and it avoided putting him in a situation where he wouldn't have to move back in with his parents.

 

His parents on the other hand, are INCREDIBLY conservative. They were completely against the idea, where as my family was more supportive because they knew that we loved each other and were committed to building a life together. But his parents were SO against it. So much so, they started lecturing me and preaching to me while my boyfriend was IN SURGERY for a near death experience that happened back in April about it. But we both decided that we were adults and that we were going to make our own decisions. It seemed like they were more accepting of it because we would still spend time with them a couple of times a month and it wouldn't be brought up...but I know that I am not their favorite person because they look at me like I am steering him away from God. Which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

This past weekend, my boyfriend and I had gone out for a couple of drinks. Back story here is that I believe he is a binge drinker. He can go days/weeks without having a drink, but there are occasions where he drinks so much and so fast and has no self control that he turns into this COMPLETELY different person. I have been having trouble finding a new job these past few months (I should be starting a new one next week) but he has not contributed anything extra financially because I was covered, so there shouldn't have been much worry on his end. But it has clearly been bothering him because he downed a bunch of drinks over the course of a couple hours and LOST his mind when we got home. He started throwing all of his stuff in the hallway saying terrible things to me and that he was done and moving out because I've had trouble finding a job (I have gone on multiple interviews and am working with a networking professional. It's just been a waiting game at this point). He doesn't even remember any of this. He ended up calling his parents and I actually had to text his mother because I was so scared he was going to get behind the wheel. Both his mother and his father came over around 6am that morning because we hadn't slept yet and I couldn't calm him down. Well let me tell you, they found this as the PERFECT opportunity to swoop in and tell us that this was happening along with of our "misfortunes" (we had car issues going on a few weeks ago) because we were "playing house" and "going against God's wishes and living in sin" so he was "punishing us". Instead of addressing the ACTUAL situation at hand (his binge drinking/alcohol issue), it was swept under the rug and turned into a whole different conversation.

 

They ended up bringing him to their house and said he should stay for a few days. Now they have him fully convinced that he should move out and live with them until we are financially stable enough to get married. They want us to go COMPLETELY BACKWARD and put distance between us (they live 40 minutes from us and he has a busy schedule and I'm about to have a busy schedule again) and I believe it's because they want him away from me. They aren't addressing the alcohol situation. And now, I feel like they have him completely brain washed because he is suggesting that this is what he should do. That, at the age of 30, he should move back in with his parents instead of continuing building a home with the woman he wants to marry because it's "not right in God's eyes".

 

None of this makes sense to me. I am so completely confused and heart broken. It is making me question my own beliefs. Maybe I'm not a perfect Christian, because I just don't see sex inside of a committed relationship that is on the marriage track as evil and destructive. This ENTIRE THING has turned into an issue of pre-marital sex instead of addressing the REAL issue which is the drinking.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking for. I know other Christians are going to quote scripture about how pre-marital sex is one of the ultimate sins and I'll have others tell me I need to make a decision if I want to be with someone who can be so easily swayed by his own parents. And it's true. Maybe ultimately I shouldn't be with someone who is allowing his parents to be so heavily involved and allows himself to be influenced by them. It's like his parents and him are making a decision on OUR RELATIONSHIP when it should be a decision made between him and I. His father is one of the most self-centered immature adults I have ever met in my life. I don't have a lot of respect for him although I would never show it. And it feels like every minute my boyfriend is with them, is another minute he's being pulled away from me. Now my boyfriend is making it seem like I'm telling him, "it's either me or God". He didn't have this strong of a belief in the sins of pre-marital sex until they got in his ear literally a couple of days ago.

 

I just want to see if someone has been in a similar situation and how they went about it/how it turned out.

 

I feel like my world is completely falling around me.

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Actually quoting scriptures and proselytizing is not allowed on this site . The problem is not your boyfriend’s parents but your boyfriend . It is his problem that he doesn’t have a backbone and won’t stand up to them .

 

And not everybody who binge drinks throws all their crap into the hallway.

 

For those two reasons alone I wouldn’t marry him .

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This really has nothing to do with your religion. Your boyfriend deals with stress by turning to alcohol and is not enough of an adult to face his issues and deal with them, much less make decisions and stick to them. His parents are not the problem, he is. Do you really think that if you married him they would not constantly be trying to manipulate and control him? And do you really think he would not let them? And can you imagine what happens when the children come on to the scene. You really are having trouble seeing how much of a mess he is right now because you are in the middle of this situation and you are in love with him. But with a little time and some therapy I assure you that you will understand that getting rid of this co-dependent child is for the best.

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I'm married to a Christian, though I myself am not one. We lived together a solid 3 years before we got married. Believe me, you'll get no judgment in that department.

 

As someone who has always been open about liking my share of drink a bit more than others, I will tell you that your boyfriend has a problem. There's no gray area when it comes to drinking to the point of verbally assaulting your partner and physically throwing things about. Not as a pass to him, but it sounds like his parents have done a solid job raising him in a way to be beholden to them in adulthood. Basically, you've got a multitude of elements going on that I really don't think are reconcilable.

 

This wouldn't be the life for me. I know you feel like your whole world is falling, and it's not to dismiss the time you've invested, but talking about marriage a whole four months in, establishing concrete plans for it only 1.5 in... this shouldn't be your world.

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Now they have him fully convinced that he should move out and live with them until we are financially stable enough to get married.
I agree with them. I would also go as far as to advise you to move on because your boyfriend has issues that he's not dealing with and his parents are enabling him to remain stagnant in them.

 

He's showing you who he is. Pay attention cuz it aint good.

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I didn't have plans on moving in with someone until I was at least engaged, but this seemed to be the best option and it avoided putting him in a situation where he wouldn't have to move back in with his parents.

 

well == what is the wedding date? You say "i won't move in unless i am engaged" in the same breath as "we moved in together so he wouldn't have to move back in with his parents. you say you are on "the same page" - then why couldn't you stick to your guns -- let him move back in with parents if that is what he had to do and only move in with someone when there is a ring and a date? Or call it what it is -- you don't have that conviction and are afraid to let the relationship take its course (ie, he moved back in with parents until he saved up money to move out,etc) and be confident if you guys are solid, things will be fine.

 

While i don't agree with his parents methods, i do agree that you are "playing house" -- there is no intent to get married otherwise you would have been engaged like your so called convictions dictate.

Also, if he is living with you, you guys can't afford to get the car fixed and he's drinking, i can understand why his parents think that the situation is a bad influence on him. But know that your boyfriend could have also framed things instead of "you know mom and dad, this is what i want" - he could have very well framed it blaming you, saying you had nowhere else to go, etc.

 

I think that you should find a place by yourself - a studio apartment or what have you and continue on with your life. I would not date a man who was an alcoholic, but that's just me. If you vontinue to date him, that's fine - whatever - maybe things will work out - but i think you both jumped too soon with eachother to pin eachother down without committing. I think its time to talk about marriage IN GENERAL so you can weed out the duds but you should not be talking about it in terms of marrying eachother so early.

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I am the least religious person you're likely to meet so no comments from me there. I see your bf as a weak immature man child who lets his parents push him around. Do you really want a life like that? If he cant manage to grow up and act like a mature person of 30, then what you see is what you get. Good luck to you if you choose to stay in this mess.

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I am religious and I can understand how they feel about him living with you. For them to avoid that is their number one priority and they will attack any opportunity they get. That being the case, they should be pushing him to marrying you because they don't want you two living together. Not fighting to keep you two apart. Afterlife aside, drinking to a point that he is abusive is crazy. How would you handle this if he did this with two little kids in the house? He needs help for his drinking problem, he's not good marriage material until then and his parents aren't focusing on that. My vote is to split up at this point because of drinking issues.

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So, until your BF fixes his destructive alcoholism problem you need to put this relationship on hold or just walk away from it.

 

You need to focus on your job search and rethink the us vs them division regarding his parents and yourself.

 

You think of your BF as turning into another person when he binge drinks. NOPE. That is exactly who he is. A mean drunk.

 

Religious dogma aside, it is not going backward to take time to assess a serious health issue and its impact on the future of their son. Anymore than the type of assessment you should be doing now about him.

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Have you ever really thought about what dealbreakers you have when deciding on a life partner? Why isn't being an alcoholic on your list of dealbreakers, or do you think that loving a person and being patient with them can save a person? I'd suggest attending an Al-anon meeting, which will give you insight on what to do and what not do when you love a substance abuser.

 

As for myself, even as a teen, I was smart enough to break up with my first love after 2 years together because I could see he was a Mama's boy and his mother was way too intrusive and overly involved (and no, it had nothing to do with normal parenting rules) and he allowed it.

 

Just as sometimes women blame the other woman more when their SO is cheating instead of who she really should take up her beef with, her bf or spouse, you are blaming the parents. If he had a spine, he would've told them something like, "I've heard your concerns, but I'm an adult and capable of making my own decisions. You will be pleasant to my gf and you're not to bring up the subject of our pre-marital cohabitation again, or we'll be spending a lot less time with you."

 

No matter what his good traits are, the bad outweighs the good here. If you get some time and distance from the situation, you will probably be scratching your head and wondering why you stayed as long as you did.

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Sorry you are going through this. The real problem is not his parents but your boyfriend. At 30 he has not succeeded in being an adult. He lets his parents dictate his life instead of setting boundaries on how much saying they have on it. He also turns abusive when he binge drinks. And he doesn't want to change hence he went back to the people who enable him to stay the same. Imo, you should break up and be thankful that you found out about his flaws sooner rather than later. Cohabitation can be a way to test what your married life would look like. Yours uncovered meddling parents, lack of proper boundaries, possible alcoholism, violence tendencies and unwillingness to change. Imo, these are solid reasons to break up. At 1.5 year, you have had enough time to make a reliable assessment of his character and unfortunately it turns out that he has too many issues to make a good husband and parent. Imo, carrying on would be a waste of your time. At 30, what you see is what you will get. All else aside, alcoholism tendencies and violence tendencies are glaring deal breakers imo.

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As the others have already pointed out, the real problem is your boyfriend.

 

If his parents have this much sway and influence over him, he's not yet ready to be his own, mature adult. If he's got a drinking problem (and he clearly does) he is not yet ready to be his own, mature adult.

 

I actually think it was the right move to get him out of the house. But not for the reasons they claim - for you. It sounds like you don't know your boyfriend's true feelings as well you thought you did, and his beliefs line up with his parents' much more than he had let on to you. He also sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen with the problem boozing and I have to wonder if he's actually been uncomfortable living with you all along. I wouldn't be so quick to assume he's been brainwashed. It sounds to me like he is unable/unwilling to have the type of relationship you want, and knows he cannot reasonably go back to living together feeling the way he does.

 

Personally? I would take a long, hard look at my own goals in life and seriously re-evaluate whether this relationship is conducive to those goals. Look at this as an opportunity to see this relationship for what it really is rather than what you wish it could be.

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Sorry this is happening. It was a huge mistake to move in together out of convenience. Not because his parents object but because he has drinking and anger issues. Let him move home to his parents.

 

Forget the parents fire and brimstone and focus on that fact that he is violent and not a viable roommate or partner. Stop pretending you are rescuing him from his overly conservative parents. They are correct that he should move out. Not because of their religious beliefs but because he has serious immaturity, drinking and anger issues. They haven't brainwashed him. He wants to live at home with them.

 

This isn't about religion at all. It's about an untenable violent living situation that was poorly thought out and did not work out.

I didn't have plans on moving in with someone until I was at least engaged, but this seemed to be the best option and it avoided putting him in a situation where he wouldn't have to move back in with his parents.

 

I believe he is a binge drinker.

He started throwing all of his stuff in the hallway saying terrible things to me and that he was done and moving out

He ended up calling his parents

Both his mother and his father came over around 6am that morning

They ended up bringing him to their house and said he should stay for a few days.

I feel like they have him completely brain washed because he is suggesting that this is what he should do.

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I really really appreciate everyone's feedback. I didn't know I would get this many responses. Every one of you has made valid points. I think that he does have a lot of growing up to do. And maybe the drinking stems from a lot of guilt because of religion. I told him I think that he has underlying anger issues and that he has to seek therapy. This is not an over night fix. And I have realized that I shouldn't be putting so much blame on his parents. He's an adult and these are ultimately his decisions. It's like someone else said: If your SO cheats on you with someone else, it's easy for you to blame/hate that person instead of your SO. I actually said that to a friend of mine last night when I was telling her about this. And honestly, I thought we would have been engaged very shortly after moving in together. I feel like he hasn't been putting in the effort to get us on that track. I feel like he's even immature and selfish with his money. I don't think he's been putting money aside at all for a ring/wedding like we had planned from the beginning. It's like he almost acts like it's going to be a bill added onto our finances instead of looking at it as a one time investment. I am an event coordinator so I know how to get by on planning a wedding on a budget so the finances for the actual wedding shouldn't be an issue. I've always wanted something incredibly small. Anyway....

 

Moving in together wasn't all just financial convenience. We truly do love each other. I honestly thought he was the love of my life. He's my best friend. That's why I'm so unbelievably heart broken over this. I just didn't see it coming at all. But I guess I do have to spend time away from him to really re-evaluate what I want in a life partner and how I want to move forward and just look at the cold hard facts. I just have it so instilled in me that you should support someone you love. And it's difficult for me to separate my emotions from facts. So it's hard for me to just give up on him. But I have to decide if I want to invest more time to see if things are fixed...but that's not a guarantee that things are even going to work out after that. Especially starting a family together. I feel like in a lot of my past relationships I have felt like the adult and I think that everyone I've been with needed fixing. I know that's not my job. I learned that a long time ago. That's why it was so refreshing being with him. I didn't think he needed any fixing and it wasn't going to be this savior complex thing that I used to have going on.

 

But do you believe you should abandon someone you love when they're going through something? Should I be there to support him through therapy? Or accept that this is something that he needs to do on his own and I have to just deal with my heart break and move on? I guess I should note this is the longest relationship I've been in since I was in a 3 year relationship 10 years ago with my first love. And living together has made me so much closer to him. I should probably also note that our apartment is a split level apartment in a 2 story house and his sister just moved downstairs a month ago because my landlord was looking for someone for months. It's fine...her and I are very friendly with each other. But I feel like that will feel a little hard since it's now a daily reminder. I don't know...it's just a gut wrenching feeling for me. Waking up has been the hardest part because I have to immediately remind myself of everything that has happened. It just feels like a nightmare. I really appreciate all of you reaching out and telling me like it is.

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I think you need to read up on codependence because that fits you to a T. You aren't a have been fixer, you are still a fixer and still have very unhealthy ideas about relationships.

 

As for his alcoholism, you aren't helping him. You are enabling him. For an alcoholic to admit that they have a problem and to have a chance at beating it, they have to decide they want to and they have to be single and put in 100% of their focus and effort into healing and fixing themselves. In fact, most rehab programs demand that from addicts.

 

Enabling is the opposite of support OP. However, I think it's very difficult for you to grasp this idea that sometimes walking away is actually the greatest support you can give.

 

If you have a history in engaging in these kinds of fixer upper relationships to the point where you don't even recognize that you are in yet another fixer upper situation....you might want to seek out some counseling in addition to reading up all you can about codependence. You've got to fix yourself first.

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He came over Monday night and when we discussed all of this, he admitted that he had a problem and that he wanted to seek help. I'm currently reading up on Al-Anon because I'm just not personally familiar with the program. Is that something that I could attend by myself just to understand better?

 

I know, I've also been considering going to therapy myself. I went to a therapist in my early 20's because of anxiety issues but I don't think my therapist was the right fit for me because it just completely turned me off from all of it. So I've relied heavily on my parents and friends for support in times like these. But I am understanding that I need to speak to a professional. And it's better to speak to someone who doesn't personally know myself, my boyfriend, etc.

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Reading up on codependency...and it seems to make more sense to me. I can relate to some of it. I guess I just don't understand where it stems from because I can say with confidence that I was blessed to have a great childhood. I think it may stem from my first love/boyfriend from the age of 17-20. He was manic-depressive with suicidal tendencies. I really think it may all stem from that. But obviously, this is something that a therapist could help me figure out. If anything, I feel more encouraged to seek therapy. I'm really glad I decided to post on here.

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Reading up on codependency...and it seems to make more sense to me. I can relate to some of it. I guess I just don't understand where it stems from because I can say with confidence that I was blessed to have a great childhood. I think it may stem from my first love/boyfriend from the age of 17-20. He was manic-depressive with suicidal tendencies. I really think it may all stem from that. But obviously, this is something that a therapist could help me figure out. If anything, I feel more encouraged to seek therapy. I'm really glad I decided to post on here.

 

I'm glad you are open to reading. Keep reading up more.

 

Codependence as such isn't a disease or even a bad thing on its own. It's more about becoming aware that you have these tendencies and learning how to have proper boundaries for yourself. Think of it more along the lines of "I will save this stray starving cat, but I will not hoard 50 of them. I will offer some support to this angry alcoholic, but I will not build a family and a future with him." Being a kind person is all good, but learning healthy boundaries is critical. If you have a great family, it might be more about understanding that there are bad people out there who can't be helped or changed. They are just completely different from what you understand or have experienced in life, they think differently, and it's about learning how to identify them and stay away from them instead of trying to fix them and make them like yourself....kind and normal...... They'll never be who you want them to be.

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Of course you can attend Al-anon meetings by yourself. They are for the friends, family, and partners of substance abusers. The substance abuser does not attend. According to their program: Some research shows that when problem drinkers enter a recovery program, their chances for success are improved when they are supported by family members who are in a family recovery program such as Al‑Anon.

 

I hope he attends because he wants help for himself, because if it's only to appease someone else, he won't stick to it. Watch his behavior and see if his actions speak louder than his words.

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Moving in together wasn't all just financial convenience. We truly do love each other.

 

Don't compromise convictions. You said that you won't move in unless married/engaged and then you said "oh well...it helped him not to move in with his folks" - -- boom- - your convictions are tossed like a plate of cookies. Were you afraid he would break up with you or not love you if he had to move in with his folks?

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I'm glad you are open to reading. Keep reading up more.

 

Codependence as such isn't a disease or even a bad thing on its own. It's more about becoming aware that you have these tendencies and learning how to have proper boundaries for yourself. Think of it more along the lines of "I will save this stray starving cat, but I will not hoard 50 of them. I will offer some support to this angry alcoholic, but I will not build a family and a future with him." Being a kind person is all good, but learning healthy boundaries is critical. If you have a great family, it might be more about understanding that there are bad people out there who can't be helped or changed. They are just completely different from what you understand or have experienced in life, they think differently, and it's about learning how to identify them and stay away from them instead of trying to fix them and make them like yourself....kind and normal...... They'll never be who you want them to be.

 

As far as the bolded --- you don't even need to offer support. It is up to the person's closest support system -- parents, siblings, doctors to do so -- sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away before you lose yourself.

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No, that never even crossed my mind -- him breaking up with me or not loving me if he moved in with his parents. I knew at that tine that this was the person I wanted to build a future with but I knew I couldn't be around his parents that often if he were to move in with them, possibly resulting in us breaking up. I knew we weren't going to build anything if that was going to be the next step.

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