Is this considered cheating and/or a deal breaker?

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we were talking about the importance of honesty in a relationship. Actually, I was talking and expressing how important it was to me for like the 1000th time bc he's lied to me in the past about something specific. I'll get to that...

I'm having a hard time letting go of his past. The funny thing is, he was a virgin when we met and had never been in a relationship before me. Supposedly. He's 33. I'm 34. Sounds ideal, right? No exes or baggage to worry about. But he did have a female friend that he'd been hanging out with for about 11 months before we got together. He liked her but she didn't like him. She just used him to go on dates. He maintains that he's never done anything with her since before we even got together but he's been in some compromising situations with her that would suggest otherwise. I.e, getting in his hot tub together on numerous occasions, most of them with her being topless. Still, he says nothing happened.

I didn't discover this until we got together. And by discover, I mean constantly drilling him with questions over and over again. I know, I know, not cool. That's where his lying has come into play. It's always been surrounded by this girl and their "relationship"... he's consistently maintained that he's never done anything with her (or anyone) sexually but since he's lied about the details surrounding other non sexual things with her, it makes it hard to believe even more that he's never done anything sexual with her.

Back to that discussion on the importance of honesty aka me lecturing him again about her. I asked if he ever spoke to her while we were together. He said no and had been maintaining that he hadn't spoken to her since Aug 2017. He and I began talking Dec 2017. When we hung up he texted me and said he was thinking and he remembered that she messaged him after he got back from Italy asking how it was. He said good then supposedly deleted her right after. That was in January 2018. We were talking then and had been on one date at the time. We weren't officially together, that didn't happen till Feb, but still he originally told me he hasn't spoken to her since August. Should I be upset about this or am I reading too much into it? It upsets me bc I feel like he could've spoken to her while we were together and I'll never know. He says he would never do that but as I mentioned before, he has continuously lied regarding her so I don't know what to believe.

There are a lot of things you may not ever know about your partner. Uncertainty is a huge part of relationships. Why does it matter if he was sexual with this person in the past or not? As long as he's committed to you now, it makes no difference.

Unless there's some information you're leaving out, it sounds to me like your behavior of constantly grilling your partner about the past is controlling. Stop worrying about this girl he used to know and focus on the relationship in front of you.

I feel like you are looking for things to be upset about?

This girl is not currently part of his life, right?

If this girl is not a current part of his life - why does it matter what he did and did not do with her (even if he slept with her)? Why are you even asking about that? Why is it even a topic of conversation?

And if you weren’t officially together in January, he would not have done anything wrong by speaking to her anyways?

I took a look at your previous thread for some context... not to be rude... but it really does look like you are trying to find things to be upset about?

What’s really going on? Do you think you are just afraid to be happy? Do you have reasons not to trust him? What has he previously lied about? I feel like there has to be more to this story....

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we were talking about the importance of honesty in a relationship.

What you're doing to this man isn't spreading honesty. You're denying him a life before you. Whether he talked to her, went on dates with her, got in a hot tub with her, or even full-on bent her over the car in a parking garage is absolutely, positively 0% your business. Previous marriages, kids, or current STDs are all you should ever feel remotely entitled to disclosure of, particularly given the entirety of the relations between him and this woman were prior to you two being an item. And while I may have missed it, I'm not seeing the lie. I'm seeing him not divulging information he should have the right to keep to himself.

I'd cut you more slack if the extent of it were just you here venting your insecurities, but badgering this man "the 1000th time," "lecturing him," not allowing him his privacy, and essentially shaming him for having hung out with his lady before having even gotten to know you is an awfully slippery slope to some much more emotionally abusive behaviors. You need to check yourself.

It's not rude that you looked back at my previous post. I'm glad you did bc it gives you more insight and I can get better, unfiltered advice that way. The truth is realistically I know the past doesn't and shouldn't matter and in previous relationships, it didn't. But I kept getting lied to over and over and it made me feel like maybe I was being too naive and not delving enough into their pasts to give me some sort of insight as to who they were. Like I was blindsided. In almost all of my relationships the guys have lied about things during the relationship (cheating) and specifically their pasts regarding how many people they've been with, some including prostitutes. I guess I've become conditioned to think all guys lie about their pasts, like that's their default setting. And maybe that scares me bc it makes me believe lying about your past = lying presently. It doesn't help that my current boyfriend has lied to me about this. He's lied by telling me he's never cried over her but then I found out he "was on the verge of tears" over what she was putting him through. Then he told me he liked her only a little but according to a post he made on reddit during the time they were hanging out, it seems like he loved her. He also edited that post so much that it makes me think what else was there that he didn't want me to see? Again, in the grand scheme of things I know the past doesn't matter. But honestly, in some cases it does especially if it clashes with my own personal morals. Like the guy I dated that had been with prostitutes. Had I not dug into his past I wouldn't have ever known that and I could be living a lie right now. Just scares me to know I could be investing in someone and not really know who they are. And the fact that he messaged her back in January makes me think he still has feelings for her. And also, why lie about it?

Oh also, it doesn't matter if he had sex with her. I expected that at his age, he'd been with some girls and had relationships. It's the fact that he's maintained that he hasn't. I absolutely hate being lied to.

Alright, well I'm gonna come at you a bit hard, but here goes.

 

What you're doing to this man isn't spreading honesty. You're denying him a life before you. Whether he talked to her, went on dates with her, got in a hot tub with her, or even full-on bent her over the car in a parking garage is absolutely, positively 0% your business. Previous marriages, kids, or current STDs are all you should ever feel remotely entitled to disclosure of, particularly given the entirety of the relations between him and this woman were prior to you two being an item. And while I may have missed it, I'm not seeing the lie. I'm seeing him not divulging information he should have the right to keep to himself.

 

I'd cut you more slack if the extent of it were just you here venting your insecurities, but badgering this man "the 1000th time," "lecturing him," not allowing him his privacy, and essentially shaming him for having hung out with his lady before having even gotten to know you is an awfully slippery slope to some much more emotionally abusive behaviors. You need to check yourself.

Very forward and direct. I appreciate it. And I get it. Believe me, I do. Realistically I know it's none of my business. That's why I included the lecturing him for the 1000th time and the constant pounding of questioning I throw at him, bc I don't want to be coddled with advice. My friends do that to me and I hate it bc I'll never grow as a person that way. I know it's not right. However, I feel this NEED to know. And please don't take this as an excuse bc it's certainly not. I just get these impulsive thoughts about him and his past and what he's done with this girl and I can't shake those thoughts. I mean I literally go into panic/ anxiety mode if they're not entertained. I somehow feel like if he did love her or have sex with her it somehow makes what he and I have less significant. Almost like it's diluted if that makes sense? I know it's not reasonable bc I've been with other guys but I don't know how to stop this way of thinking. Almost like there's two parts of my brain. The rational and the irrational. I'm in therapy but as of right now it's only talk therapy, no meds at the moment. I just can't differentiate between "is this a red flag" or am I being completely unreasonable? That's why I'm here

Based on everything you said and how you are making present and future partners pay for the sins of others, I'd be afraid to tell you the truth too.

Maybe you should take some time away from dating.

Find out why you keep choosing and are attracted to liars.

Find out why you don't trust yourself to know the difference.

Relationships aren't supposed to be like this and you are the common denominator here.

If your boyfriend wrote a post describing your behaviour and asked for advice I would suggest that he thinks long and hard before carrying on investing on such an emotionally abusive relationship. Your post makes you sound disrespectful, controlling and paranoid. You "drilling him over and over" and "lecturing" him sounds awful partner behaviour. If he had proper boundaries he should have sent you packing after the first few times. You treat him like a child and it sounds like he lets you. That is a very unhealthy dynamic. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him then break up with him already. No trust = no relationship.

P.S. It sounds like your emotional baggage from the past is hurting your present. It might be helpful to seek professional therapy regarding what drives you to behave so destructively.

There are a lot of things you may not ever know about your partner. Uncertainty is a huge part of relationships. Why does it matter if he was sexual with this person in the past or not? As long as he's committed to you now, it makes no difference.

 

Unless there's some information you're leaving out, it sounds to me like your behavior of constantly grilling your partner about the past is controlling. Stop worrying about this girl he used to know and focus on the relationship in front of you.

I'm sure there are some things I haven't included bc it's just too much to post but that's the jist of it.

Honestly, sometimes I can't stop worrying about his past. Sometimes I think about it from the time I wake up till I go to sleep at night. I can't focus on anything else. Ironically, I'm more concerned about his past than what he does NOW. How's that for weird? I'm just afraid of not being able to tell if this is a warning sign. I'm afraid if I let go of his past, I may miss a warning sign. Also, I don't know how.

To be completely frank, in my head it gets so bad at times that I would prefer living in complete ignorant bliss where he could be cheating on me left and right and I'm totally oblivious and happy than the way my brain is now.

His behaviour is a red flag in the sense that he has poor boundaries and puts up with your controlling abusive behaviour. What you are doing is seriously unhealthy. Your behaviour is a deal breaker for any healthy person. If you want a good relationship you're going to have to work on that. If your anxiety is so bad it's making you this paranoid and controlling then get medicated until your therapist has given you some good cooing methods.

I didn't discover this until we got together. And by discover, I mean constantly drilling him with questions over and over again. I know, I know, not cool.

You would have never been lied to "over and over" had you not cared about what went on with him and some other girl before you even came into the picture.

If he has the ballzz to leave you, he will soon enough. If he doesn't have them, then you will soon lose respect for him anyway so as it is, your relationship is doomed... at least from where I'm sitting

Have you always been this insecure and non-confident in yourself to the point you nag for info until you're lied to because you've made it clear to who you are nagging that you can't handle the truth?

Google Retroactive Jealousy and figure out how to overcome your "need" to know. Its not him, its you that is causing you to be unhappy with him.

Based on everything you said and how you are making present and future partners pay for the sins of others, I'd be afraid to tell you the truth too.

 

Maybe you should take some time away from dating.

 

Find out why you keep choosing and are attracted to liars.

Find out why you don't trust yourself to know the difference.

 

Relationships aren't supposed to be like this and you are the common denominator here.

I agree and I've told my boyfriend this. That I need time to work on myself. But he insists that he be by my side while I do. I'm not like this when I'm single. Probably bc I don't let others close enough to hurt me like a partner could. So his rational is, "well if you're only like this in relationships, how can you work on yourself when you're not in one? You'd never have the obstacles you need to overcome this"

But I hate to think of him as practice. That's not fair to him.

I'd hate to think I'd have to be single forever but it seems like that's where I'm headed.

I agree and I've told my boyfriend this. That I need time to work on myself. But he insists that he be by my side while I do. I'm not like this when I'm single. Probably bc I don't let others close enough to hurt me like a partner could. So his rational is, "well if you're only like this in relationships, how can you work on yourself when you're not in one? You'd never have the obstacles you need to overcome this"

But I hate to think of him as practice. That's not fair to him.

 

I'd hate to think I'd have to be single forever but it seems like that's where I'm headed.

After reading that, I think I can safely assume he doesn't have the confidence in himself (and is as insecure as you) to leave someone who tortures him.

If your boyfriend wrote a post describing your behaviour and asked for advice I would suggest that he thinks long and hard before carrying on investing on such an emotionally abusive relationship. Your post makes you sound disrespectful, controlling and paranoid. You "drilling him over and over" and "lecturing" him sounds awful partner behaviour. If he had proper boundaries he should have sent you packing after the first few times. You treat him like a child and it sounds like he lets you. That is a very unhealthy dynamic. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him break up with him already. No trust = no relationship.

 

P.S. It sounds like your emotional baggage from the past is hurting your present. It might be helpful to seek professional therapy regarding what drives you to behave so destructively.

I agree. I'm currently in therapy. I see a psychologist once a week. I was seeing a psychiatrist but he just wanted to test the latest meds on me and didn't address MY specific issues so I've sought out another one and have done a lot of my own research. I'm looking to try a medication that I think will be effective and I'm gonna talk to my doctor about it next week.

Honestly, just wasn't sure if it was me or him. I'd hate to think it's always me but if that's what it takes to get me the help I need, so be it.

His behaviour is a red flag in the sense that he has poor boundaries and puts up with your controlling abusive behaviour. What you are doing is seriously unhealthy. Your behaviour is a deal breaker for any healthy person. If you want a good relationship you're going to have to work on that. If your anxiety is so bad it's making you this paranoid and controlling then get medicated until your therapist has given you some good cooing methods.

Does that mean that HE'S not healthy, either? I know he says he's had major insecurity issues in the past. He used to be overweight and said no girl ever wanted to give him a chance. That's why when hot tub girl wanted to hang out with him, he got excited and thought she liked him. And she used him for free dinners. Does that mean he could possibly talk to her again since he doesn't have set boundaries?

I think under the circumstances regarding your over-the-top insecurity that most men would lie to you about any interaction they ever had since they were old enough to realize that "yours" was different then theirs.

 

You would have never been lied to "over and over" had you not cared about what went on with him and some other girl before you even came into the picture.

 

If he has the ballzz to leave you, he will soon enough. If he doesn't have them, then you will soon lose respect for him anyway so as it is, your relationship is doomed... at least from where I'm sitting

 

Have you always been this insecure and non-confident in yourself to the point you nag for info until you're lied to because you've made it clear to who you are nagging that you can't handle the truth?

 

Google Retroactive Jealousy and figure out how to overcome your "need" to know. Its not him, its you that is causing you to be unhappy with him.

Does that mean he could still be lying about his past bc of my nagging? I get that. I'd lie to me too. I've told him that before. But he's told me he's never been with anyone before he even had any idea I was like this. When we first started talking in December.

I think under the circumstances regarding your over-the-top insecurity that most men would lie to you about any interaction they ever had since they were old enough to realize that "yours" was different then theirs.

 

You would have never been lied to "over and over" had you not cared about what went on with him and some other girl before you even came into the picture.

 

If he has the ballzz to leave you, he will soon enough. If he doesn't have them, then you will soon lose respect for him anyway so as it is, your relationship is doomed... at least from where I'm sitting

 

Have you always been this insecure and non-confident in yourself to the point you nag for info until you're lied to because you've made it clear to who you are nagging that you can't handle the truth?

 

Google Retroactive Jealousy and figure out how to overcome your "need" to know. Its not him, its you that is causing you to be unhappy with him.

Sorry, forgot to include that I came across the term retroactive jealousy haphazardly one day and it does fit me to a T. I also have OCD, obsessive, impulsive and repetitive thoughts. Not sure if that's a separate issue or if they're connected.

Well OP I was just going to say that it was an unrealistic expectation for you to think that someone who is 33/34 years old wouldn't have a past but I can see you already get that.

Definitely give therapy a serious try and possibly a mental health assessment so you can get your anxiety / OCD / impulsive behavior under control.

If you're going to be with him, you need to trust him.

If you can't, you need to break it off and look elsewhere to somebody you can trust.

Simple as that. In fact it is unfair for you to hold him hostage over a past that nobody can change (and he can't change).

So the choice isn't HIS, it's YOURS. Can you trust him? Great..... let it go and move on. If you can't, let HIM go and move on.

Does that mean he could still be lying about his past bc of my nagging? I get that. I'd lie to me too. I've told him that before. But he's told me he's never been with anyone before he even had any idea I was like this. When we first started talking in December.

Then believe that and do your best to be done with any negative thoughts you have because in the long run, it really doesn't matter. Talk to your therapist about this and ask him/her for some exercising that will get your mind off of anything to do with who he may or may not have been with in the past.

Alright, well I'm gonna come at you a bit hard, but here goes.

 

What you're doing to this man isn't spreading honesty. You're denying him a life before you. Whether he talked to her, went on dates with her, got in a hot tub with her, or even full-on bent her over the car in a parking garage is absolutely, positively 0% your business. Previous marriages, kids, or current STDs are all you should ever feel remotely entitled to disclosure of, particularly given the entirety of the relations between him and this woman were prior to you two being an item. And while I may have missed it, I'm not seeing the lie. I'm seeing him not divulging information he should have the right to keep to himself.

 

I'd cut you more slack if the extent of it were just you here venting your insecurities, but badgering this man "the 1000th time," "lecturing him," not allowing him his privacy, and essentially shaming him for having hung out with his lady before having even gotten to know you is an awfully slippery slope to some much more emotionally abusive behaviors. You need to check yourself.

Agre. If I was him I wouldn't put up with this behaviour or at least I'd see her behaviour as a huge red flag and would be very wary of continuing this relationship.

And if you don't trust him, weather because you're insecure or weather because he lies and doesn't give you reasons to trust him, then you two are not a good match for a healthy relationship.

I agree and I've told my boyfriend this. That I need time to work on myself. But he insists that he be by my side while I do. I'm not like this when I'm single. Probably bc I don't let others close enough to hurt me like a partner could. So his rational is, "well if you're only like this in relationships, how can you work on yourself when you're not in one? You'd never have the obstacles you need to overcome this"

But I hate to think of him as practice. That's not fair to him.

 

I'd hate to think I'd have to be single forever but it seems like that's where I'm headed.

I don't think it's men you need to learn to trust. You are better off putting that energy into learning to trust yourself. The side benefit is you attract better partners. Staying in this while working on it is doing it backwards.

Then believe that and do your best to be done with any negative thoughts you have because in the long run, it really doesn't matter. Talk to your therapist about this and ask him/her for some exercising that will get your mind off of anything to do with who he may or may not have been with in the past.

I talk to her about it and she thinks it stems from growing up with a narcissistic mother. We never really talk about coping mechanisms though. Seeing a new psychiatrist next week though and hopefully starting a new medication.

Thank you xx

wrong thread. . sorry

I don't think it's men you need to learn to trust. You are better off putting that energy into learning to trust yourself. The side benefit is you attract better partners. Staying in this while working on it is doing it backwards.

Do you think then, by that logic that it would mean HE'S not a good partner since I attracted him while I'M not in the right state of mind?

Bc other than his obvious insecurity and lack of experience he's actually pretty great.

How does being alone help me learn to trust myself? What does that entail and what does trusting myself even look like?

I'm genuinely asking bc I want to be better

Thanks xx