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Valentine’s Day with someone you’re not exclusive with?


jackie103

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I[24F] have been dating (non-exclusively) with this girl[27F] since November. Things were slow in the beginning (see my multiple previous posts about this situation) but after the holidays, we have been seeing each other once a week. We have never text a lot in between dates but whenever I ask to see her she always accepts and if she is busy, she will suggest another day.

 

She has slept over, invited me to meet her friends (I couldn’t go due to other plans I had previously made) and last week I invited her to meet mine. Everything seems like it’s moving in the right direction but I am still confused about where she sees this going and am not sure if I should continue initiating seeing her. I feel like at this point, we should be seeing each other at least twice a week, or on the weekends at least.

 

After she slept over (end of January), I saw her reaching out to me more. She invited me to an event she was having at her place with a bunch of her friends which I couldn’t attend but then invited me the next day to watch a movie with her friends at a friends place. We didn’t end up going because she had to work long hours that day, so I suggested to do something else like get takeout and watch a movie to relax after her stressful day and she said she needed to do some reading and just needed her brain to reboot but suggested the next day.

 

The following week (last week, Monday), I invited her to come meet my friends. We didn’t really get a lot of alone time that night and I haven’t talked to her since, which I guess based on the history of this relationship since we rarely text in between seeing one another.

 

I don’t believe she is dating anyone else, she is way too busy with her PhD and teaching this semester but is still always a possibility. All I know is that she’s not on any dating sites.

 

I really feel as though this far into this relationship, we should be having some sort of idea on what we are looking for... we haven’t had any serious talks and I don’t know if I should be the one to reach out to see her this week, either for Valentine’s Day or on the weekend or just wait for her to reach out to me...

 

My idea was to text her asking about a date night this week or weekend, and let her decide when she wanted to go out. I’m just hesitant because I still feel like I’m not getting too much interest from her simply because she hasn’t asked to see me the last 2 weekends.

 

Any advice would be helpful

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Just contact her and arrange a weekend date and have a simple something for vday (fun card, little thing, whatever). Don't make it a big deal or investment. If she wants to pick the day/place, fine. Try to relax. Be less concerned with who texts first, who makes the date, who reciprocates to what and so forth.

 

 

You are into her and already know she is not a texter or initiator, but is also into you and not a flake. So follow what you want to do and don't go in worrying circles out of fear. All things have some risks and playing a too defensive game you'll lose more than at least sticking your neck out here and there. Heck walking across the street to the coffee shop has risks.

I don’t know if I should be the one to reach out to see her this week, either for Valentine’s Day or on the weekend or just wait for her to reach out to me.
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Just contact her and arrange a weekend date and have a simple something for vday (fun card, little thing, whatever). Don't make it a big deal or investment. If she wants to pick the day/place, fine. Try to relax. Be less concerned with who texts first, who makes the date, who reciprocates to what and so forth.

 

 

You are into her and already know she is not a texter or initiator, but is also into you and not a flake. So follow what you want to do and don't go in worrying circles out of fear. All things have some risks and playing a too defensive game you'll lose more than at least sticking your neck out here and there. Heck walking across the street to the coffee shop has risks.

 

Thanks for your response. There are some other small things that I’ve noticed that kind of concerns me... I’m not sure how big of a deal it is though.

 

She always mentions how she is really busy and stressed this semester. I don’t know if that’s a way of getting out of seeing me often or what, although I know it’s true. She usually has said this on the weekdays when I’ve seen her and asked if she wanted to come inside my place for a little bit so I can understand that. The other thing is that one night, she said that we should be snapchat friends and that’d she’d find me on Snapchat. So the next day, I decided to just go ahead and add her. She hasn’t accepted my request yet, so it has me thinking that that is a bit shady. And I know she goes on Snapchat pretty much every day.

 

Finally, she told me that she might have to move this summer if her advisor gets a job at another university. I wonder if this is where her hesitation comes from

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It's odd you want to be closer to her but when she tries, you get upset. Why can't she talk about what's going on in her life with you?

She always mentions how she is really busy and stressed this semester. I don’t know if that’s a way of getting out of seeing me often or what, although I know it’s true.

she said that we should be snapchat friends and that’d she’d find me on Snapchat. So the next day, I decided to just go ahead and add her. She hasn’t accepted my request yet, so it has me thinking that that is a bit shady.

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It's odd you want to be closer to her but when she tries, you get upset. Why can't she talk about what's going on in her life with you?

 

I really don’t feel like she has tried to talk about anything to be closer. She just mentions that she’s really busy this semester recently when I have asked if she wanted to come back to my place for a little at the end of our dates. Perhaps I am in the wrong though, I really can’t tell.

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Well, you mention twice that she reached out and invited you but you decline her on those occasions so I suggest that you figure out what it is YOU want. If its to be exclusive with this girl then act as if that is what you want and if she doesn't respond to your actions then dump her and find someone who wants relationship. If it's to just be F-buddies who get together for Netflix and chill then for goodness sakes stop trying to make something out of nothing.

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Well, you mention twice that she reached out and invited you but you decline her on those occasions so I suggest that you figure out what it is YOU want. If its to be exclusive with this girl then act as if that is what you want and if she doesn't respond to your actions then dump her and find someone who wants relationship. If it's to just be F-buddies who get together for Netflix and chill then for goodness sakes stop trying to make something out of nothing.

 

I only declined her the one time, the second suggestion I still wanted to see her and we did see each other the next day.

 

I do want to be exclusive and have been hesitant bringing it up but I will ask to see her this weekend and try to bring that conversation up.

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I only declined her the one time, the second suggestion I still wanted to see her and we did see each other the next day.

 

I do want to be exclusive and have been hesitant bringing it up but I will ask to see her this weekend and try to bring that conversation up.

 

Good and if she's not on board then start steeling yourself to end the contact. She is screwing with your already fragile self. You have to look after you and the best way to do that is to get rid of all outside distractions... particularly a chick that breaks up with you but still wants you as her soft place to land without having any of the responsibility of being your actual partner.

 

I wish you good luck going forth.

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I really feel as though this far into this relationship, we should be having some sort of idea on what we are looking for... we haven’t had any serious talks and I don’t know if I should be the one to reach out to see her this week, either for Valentine’s Day or on the weekend or just wait for her to reach out to me...

 

My idea was to text her asking about a date night this week or weekend, and let her decide when she wanted to go out. I’m just hesitant because I still feel like I’m not getting too much interest from her simply because she hasn’t asked to see me the last 2 weekends.

 

OP you are behaving in a very passive manner with this person. I looked back over some of your previous threads... this "relationship" has been dragging on this way for months... at least as far back as November (which was the last thread I looked at). You have been waiting for her to show interest and make some sort of decision to move the relationship forward... and now you are waiting to find out if she will contact you for Valentine's day... how much more waiting do you want to do for and with this person?

 

She is very busy with school and other life circumstances and this will likely continue even after you guys are exclusive. Given your concerns in previous threads, are you sure this kind of relationship is something you even want?

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OP you are behaving in a very passive manner with this person. I looked back over some of your previous threads... this "relationship" has been dragging on this way for months... at least as far back as November (which was the last thread I looked at). You have been waiting for her to show interest and make some sort of decision to move the relationship forward... and now you are waiting to find out if she will contact you for Valentine's day... how much more waiting do you want to do for and with this person?

 

She is very busy with school and other life circumstances and this will likely continue even after you guys are exclusive. Given your concerns in previous threads, are you sure this kind of relationship is something you even want?

 

You’re right. I have been trying to avoid being the one to have to define the relationship partly because I’m a bit afraid of her response in case it’s something I don’t want to hear but it’s probably better we have that conversation earlier than later.

 

I think a part of me thinks that things would be different if we were exclusive but in reality, it probably won’t. I kind of just want to get an idea of where SHE sees this relationship going and will try to bring it up if she is up for having a date night this weekend

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One of you has to say something and it seems like you're the one who's more forthcoming with these things.

 

If she is working on a PhD she is going to be very busy and stressed. I'm amazed she finds time to date at all!

 

But I think you both need to know where this is going and it's going to have to be you. Otherwise you'll keep idling like this.

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She's invited you to meet her friends twice that you say "no" to.

 

I've been out at least 4 dudes I wasn't exclusive with, sometimes the 1st or 2nd date. Just have fun! It's only been less than 3 months. I wouldn't worry about the where is this going mindset. Wait another month or three months, or when she has a break at school. Or just talk to her, and tell her you like her, and see what's happens.

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She's invited you to meet her friends twice that you say "no" to.

 

I've been out at least 4 dudes I wasn't exclusive with, sometimes the 1st or 2nd date. Just have fun! It's only been less than 3 months. I wouldn't worry about the where is this going mindset. Wait another month or three months, or when she has a break at school. Or just talk to her, and tell her you like her, and see what's happens.

 

I only said no once, the second time she had to cancel. I think I’m gonna ask if she wants to go out this weekend and I’ll see how the night goes to see if I want to bring up that talk.

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I[24F]

 

She has slept over, invited me to meet her friends (I couldn’t go due to other plans I had previously made)...

She invited me to an event she was having at her place with a bunch of her friends which I couldn’t attend

 

What's the rush. You've only been really dating for two months now. Just get to know her, and even she if she's the one for you. Go with how you feel. Not what you think she thinks. Be honest, upfront, and tell her what YOU WANT. Then, you see where things fall. It's about two people. Not just one person's insecurity on where you stand after only two ish months.

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What's the rush. You've only been really dating for two months now. Just get to know her, and even she if she's the one for you. Go with how you feel. Not what you think she thinks. Be honest, upfront, and tell her what YOU WANT. Then, you see where things fall. It's about two people. Not just one person's insecurity on where you stand after only two ish months.

 

I think for 8 weeks, the relationship is at a good pace. Maybe you have an unrealistic or idealized view that she is supposed to take you in her arms and declare her love. You are both getting to know eachother. She is doing a fair amount of initiating, IMHO. I would ask her out and give her the option of going out Thursday or on the weekend and be happy with either choice. you are far too new to have "the talk" about the relationship.

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I think for 8 weeks, the relationship is at a good pace. Maybe you have an unrealistic or idealized view that she is supposed to take you in her arms and declare her love. You are both getting to know eachother. She is doing a fair amount of initiating, IMHO. I would ask her out and give her the option of going out Thursday or on the weekend and be happy with either choice. you are far too new to have "the talk" about the relationship.

 

Fair enough. I texted her saying “date night this weekend?”

 

I haven’t received a response yet but she has always been pretty slow to responding to my texts.... like 7 hours.

 

When she went on a conference for a week in January, I had texted wishing her good luck and she didn’t respond at all. The next week I texted again saying that if she was back in town we should do something and she responded by saying she was stressed the week before and thanked me for wishing her good luck. I want to think that she really is that busy and stressed that she can’t respond to a text but I’ve also been known to make excuses for others in situations like this.

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I do still think it’s kind of shady that she hasn’t accepted my snapchat friend request when she was the one who brought up snapchat when we were together and that she’d add me as a friend so she could show me videos of her dog.

 

It was sloppy of her to bring it up. Whether she friends you on line is noise. Don't let yourself get distracted by that. What will be will show itself in time.

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I think you're smothering her. She is slow replying, saying she is stressed and you're probably stressing her even more. I think she's just not that into you, and you realising this, are overcompensating by texting and acting a bit needy. It's easy to see the neediness in your posts so I assume she's sensing it too.

 

For example, you texted her good luck and she didn't respond. You should've stopped texting her and let her come to you. By messaging her again you just acted weak and needy. Also, the Snapchat thing is a clear indication that she is now feeling different about you than she was when she brought it up. Maybe it's because of your behaviour. I don't blame you entirely, I think you're acting like that because you sense that she's not that into you. So you think that you'll fix it by acting, by insisting, by smothering her. Unfortunately, you'll just eventually chase her out of your life, if you haven't already.

 

My suggestion would be to step back. Gauge her reaction to your invite (not great since she hasn't even replied yet) and take it from there. If she doesn't sound too excited, just tell her that you respect the fact she's quite busy to date now but will be happy to hear from er when she has more time. Then just disappear like a fart in the wind. Just give her a bit (or lots) of space to sort out her life and let her come to you. Otherwise, the chances of this surviving are very small.

 

Having said the above, I still think that these 'push-pull' strategies only work temporarily. If she was truly into you, you'd know. I was dating a girl who was acting the same way yours is, always busy, doing little initiation, but still always happy to acept my invites and she was actually replying much quicker than your is. At some point she just decided to end things. Turns out she was giving it time because she wasn't feeling it but eventually she gave up trying and called it quits. I was a bit sad with it but that's life. Not everyone will think you're a long term partner, even if they date you for awhile.

 

I think I should've stepped back a little and I would most likely get a few additional weeks of dating her but I think the final result would be the same. In your case, given the way she's acting, do you really think a Valentine date would be nice? It would be most likely your last date with her. By insisting with someone that's showing they're not that interested in you, you just show you don't have other options and they lose even more respect for you.

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Fair enough. I texted her saying “date night this weekend?”

 

I haven’t received a response yet but she has always been pretty slow to responding to my texts.... like 7 hours.

 

When she went on a conference for a week in January, I had texted wishing her good luck and she didn’t respond at all. The next week I texted again saying that if she was back in town we should do something and she responded by saying she was stressed the week before and thanked me for wishing her good luck. I want to think that she really is that busy and stressed that she can’t respond to a text but I’ve also been known to make excuses for others in situations like this.

 

This sounds like my experience making new friends in my relatively new city - not the total experience but the women who can't be bothered to respond - and no I do not follow up in the way you described -in fact, I give twice the space the person seems to need and if the person is actually interested in making a plan with me she will follow up. Often the pattern is that the woman expresses strong interest in making new friends and will text back and forth -maybe even a phone call -but once it's at the planning stage she can't be bothered to make a plan and/or reliably follow up (no I am not talking about emergencies or things coming up at work -I can tell the difference when someone actually want to make a plan and show up v. flaky/lukewarm interest). I would stop all the follow up you do and let her come to you a lot more, in every way.

 

I love what Iamfca said about "sloppy" with the snapchat. Totally agree.

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I think you're smothering her. She is slow replying, saying she is stressed and you're probably stressing her even more. I think she's just not that into you, and you realising this, are overcompensating by texting and acting a bit needy. It's easy to see the neediness in your posts so I assume she's sensing it too.

 

For example, you texted her good luck and she didn't respond. You should've stopped texting her and let her come to you. By messaging her again you just acted weak and needy. Also, the Snapchat thing is a clear indication that she is now feeling different about you than she was when she brought it up. Maybe it's because of your behaviour. I don't blame you entirely, I think you're acting like that because you sense that she's not that into you. So you think that you'll fix it by acting, by insisting, by smothering her. Unfortunately, you'll just eventually chase her out of your life, if you haven't already.

 

My suggestion would be to step back. Gauge her reaction to your invite (not great since she hasn't even replied yet) and take it from there. If she doesn't sound too excited, just tell her that you respect the fact she's quite busy to date now but will be happy to hear from er when she has more time. Then just disappear like a fart in the wind. Just give her a bit (or lots) of space to sort out her life and let her come to you. Otherwise, the chances of this surviving are very small.

 

Having said the above, I still think that these 'push-pull' strategies only work temporarily. If she was truly into you, you'd know. I was dating a girl who was acting the same way yours is, always busy, doing little initiation, but still always happy to acept my invites and she was actually replying much quicker than your is. At some point she just decided to end things. Turns out she was giving it time because she wasn't feeling it but eventually she gave up trying and called it quits. I was a bit sad with it but that's life. Not everyone will think you're a long term partner, even if they date you for awhile.

 

I think I should've stepped back a little and I would most likely get a few additional weeks of dating her but I think the final result would be the same. In your case, given the way she's acting, do you really think a Valentine date would be nice? It would be most likely your last date with her. By insisting with someone that's showing they're not that interested in you, you just show you don't have other options and they lose even more respect for you.

 

Thanks for your response. She responded to my date night request with, “Yes!” And said that it sounded great and she has to work Friday but that Saturday or Sunday works for her.

 

This is why she confuses me because she accepts and seems excited about dates, has asked me out, and when we are together, shows interest in me. But in between dates is when I start thinking too much

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Thanks for your response. She responded to my date night request with, “Yes!” And said that it sounded great and she has to work Friday but that Saturday or Sunday works for her.

 

This is why she confuses me because she accepts and seems excited about dates, has asked me out, and when we are together, shows interest in me. But in between dates is when I start thinking too much

 

No confusion. You are more into her than she is into you. That could change but over texting and overdoing will ensure it does not change, basically.

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Thanks for your response. She responded to my date night request with, “Yes!” And said that it sounded great and she has to work Friday but that Saturday or Sunday works for her.

 

This is why she confuses me because she accepts and seems excited about dates, has asked me out, and when we are together, shows interest in me. But in between dates is when I start thinking too much

 

Learn not to fill the unknowns with stories you make up in your head. Forget about other people's intentions. Think about the objective facts.

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OP looking at your post again: "this is why she confuses me" -- it sounds to me like you are confusing yourself. You ask, she accepts with enthusiasm, the date actually happens; i.e., she is available when she says she will be available. Isn't that how it is supposed to work?

 

I have lost track of what you are expecting but not getting. How many times have you asked her out? How many times has she asked you?

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