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Ex girlfriend, just wants to be friends with benefits. Now what?


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Dated for 8 months, time came about a month ago when she clearly stated no more and even went as far as blocking me on social media. A week after being blocked I had reached out to exchange personal belongings. Well one thing lead to another and the past couple weeks we have spent the entire weekend together, doing typical dating/relationship things. The week then comes and it's like I'm non existent again. She made it clear that she did not want to "jump back into what happened" and in more or less words wants to be friends with benefits. Yet the weekends don't portray such. I have feelings on an emotional level for her, but don't understand the two different sides (week vs weekend) I'm seeing from her. Any idea? End goal would be to get back into a committed relationship.

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What happened that she doesn't want to jump back into? What was the breakup about? fwb implies a regular agreed on mostly sexual relationship. What's the difference between seeing each other weekends now and when you were dating? Just lack of weekday dates, communication, etc. Is she dating others? Are you still blocked on social media?

She made it clear that she did not want to "jump back into what happened"

 

don't understand the two different sides (week vs weekend) I'm seeing from her. End goal would be to get back into a committed relationship.

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There was emotional instability on my end. A ptsd of sorts. She said her tanks were empty of trying to provide happiness for both of us.

 

No longer blocked, have spent the past 2 weekends together which have been amazing. Just like nothing happened. When the week comes the connection, conversation and enjoyable times spent on weekend all seem to dissappear. Yet for instance yesterday she was asking what we were doing this upcoming weekend, but won't engage in normal conversation via text or things or that sort.

 

As it stands currently the differences I'm seeing is the lack of communication through the week and on social media an attempt to make it appear that I'm not with her. Yet last Friday we went out to dinner and drinks were all her coworkers and then spent the entire weekend together.

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Ok, in a way she is correct. You need to manage any personal issues yourself with the appropriate medical and psychological care. It's not her job and you can't be dependent or clingy like this without suffocating someone. It sounds like she still cares but needed to get healthier boundaries by distancing herself from drowning in your problems..

 

Best approach: Today...make an appointment with your doctor and therapist and discuss what is going on and what kind of medical help/therapy would support you and improve your mood and independence and most of all boundaries

There was emotional instability on my end. A ptsd of sorts. She said her tanks were empty of trying to provide happiness for both of us.
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Ok, in a way she is correct. You need to manage any personal issues yourself with the appropriate medical and psychological care. It's not her job and you can't be dependent or clingy like this without suffocating someone. It sounds like she still cares but needed to get healthier boundaries by distancing herself from drowning in your problems..

 

Best approach: Today...make an appointment with your doctor and therapist and discuss what is going on and what kind of medical help/therapy would support you and improve your mood and independence and most of all boundaries

 

I completely agree but it's just if it was a hook up situation and then nothing, it would be one thing, but it the constant time and enjoyable time together all weekend followed by the coldness that is the week.

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There was emotional instability on my end. A ptsd of sorts. She said her tanks were empty of trying to provide happiness for both of us.

 

No longer blocked, have spent the past 2 weekends together which have been amazing. Just like nothing happened. When the week comes the connection, conversation and enjoyable times spent on weekend all seem to dissappear. Yet for instance yesterday she was asking what we were doing this upcoming weekend, but won't engage in normal conversation via text or things or that sort.

 

As it stands currently the differences I'm seeing is the lack of communication through the week and on social media an attempt to make it appear that I'm not with her. Yet last Friday we went out to dinner and drinks were all her coworkers and then spent the entire weekend together.

I completely agree but it's just if it was a hook up situation and then nothing, it would be one thing, but it the constant time and enjoyable time together all weekend followed by the coldness that is the week.

 

*Edit* Good to see you are with a therapist to help you with your PTSD. What does your therapist say about what she is doing to your head?

 

Being in this limbo she has put you in will do nothing to help you with your anxiety and angst so I suggest you stop seeing her altogether until you are settled in your issues and can be confident enough to let her go if she's not in it in all ways. Right now you are filler and she has no need to even be exclusive with you since you are technically broken up while she uses you to get over you.

 

I don't blame her for breaking up with you if she was feeling down trodden from carrying the both of you emotionally but she needs to chit or get off the pot when it comes to being with you.

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I completely agree but it's just if it was a hook up situation and then nothing, it would be one thing, but it the constant time and enjoyable time together all weekend followed by the coldness that is the week.

 

OP, So much of life is how we frame it, as you know. Might there be another way to think of her stance during the week as "coldness"? The opposite of being quiet mid week is communication with you; the opposite of coldness is warmth. By your logic, she is expressing warmth towards you only if have back and forth communication with you during the work week.

I doubt she feels coldness at all. She is taking responsibility for her energy during the week, and protecting it during the work week, when she needs it.

 

You could frame her mid-week boundary as an indication of her limited capacity for keeping herself in a positive frame of mind. That isn't a criticism, its just truth. It has nothing to do with her affection for you.

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OP, So much of life is how we frame it, as you know. Might there be another way to think of her stance during the week as "coldness"? The opposite of being quiet mid week is communication with you; the opposite of coldness is warmth. By your logic, she is expressing warmth towards you only if have back and forth communication with you during the work week.

I doubt she feels coldness at all. She is taking responsibility for her energy during the week, and protecting it during the work week, when she needs it.

 

You could frame her mid-week boundary as an indication of her limited capacity for keeping herself in a positive frame of mind. That isn't a criticism, its just truth. It has nothing to do with her affection for you.

 

Then if that is the case, it would be nice if she learned to communicate her need to "protect her energy."

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Then if that is the case, it would be nice if she learned to communicate her need to "protect her energy."

 

I suspect she tried, couldn't find a way to say it or implement it without sounding like she is rejecting him, over corrected by the break up, and now is finding the balance that works for her.

 

And yes, it is confusing for him. But from his description of things, I doubt she feels cold and I doubt she intends to mess with his head. If this weekend-focused relationship doesn't work for him, it is up to him to end it.

 

If he framed it differently, that now he can use the work week to focus on his recovery - and use the weekend too if that is what he needs - then he might find a way to enjoy what he has rather than focus on what he doean't.

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I think it's too late for him to be able to "enjoy what he has." One has to start out just having what hey have to be able to enjoy it. Doing it backwards... having a full relationship and then having it demoted to what he has now, more times then not is just a straight out mind-****. I think being able to "accept" what she is willing to give would be him settling for less then what he needs. I think he thinks so as well.

 

Just my thoughts.

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Staying on as fwb when you want a committed relationship is a recipe for disaster imo. She is having her cake and eating it too, keeping you around to warm her bed whenever the mood strikes without having to deal with the whole you. Yet, if she comes across a better option you are liable to be dropped unceremoniously. It's about being able to compartmentalize. There is nothing to understand. She compartmentalizes you as week no strings attached fun and then goes her merry way during the weekdays as a free agent. Her reasons for breaking up were valid. Her subsequent hot and cold approach not so much. She was right in bowing out in the first place. Imo, it would be best to leave it until you have addressed your issues on your own. Then she may be able to handle the whole you and not just the good part.

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TWT and Clio, I agree with both of your posts, IF we correctly estimate her interest in him and if we understand his needs.

 

To the first, I am not sure we know. The OP mentions drama and her need to be freed of it; that suggests a history of staying together despite emotional conflict. Her reason for breaking it off suggests her desire to be with him, if it weren't for the drama.

 

I sense she cares for him and for herself, and wasn't able to offer him the level of interaction that had become their norm. But we don't know her perspective. If we focus on his needs and his needs only -- which is 100% appropriate, as you point out -- I hear, "I want to feel secure in her affection." I am saying, it would seem her affection never left.

 

He is in treatment for a health issue, which health issue often benefits from extra time to oneself to allow for extra investments in oneself -- through rest, reflection, pursuit of a new hobby, clearing out of old possessions and old ideas. Even so, depression and ptsd often motivate us to seek refuge/escape in the attention of another. It seems this may have been happening, leading to the pressure she felt to supply happiness to the OP, and the drama associated with that impossible task. The desire to succeed at it, bearing the weight of it, the need to be absolved from the responsibility, the desire to be freed without expressing rejection.

 

Depression and PTSD often cause us to see rejection when it isn't there. Imagine if she tried to claim time to herself on weeknights to focus on laundry, friends, life. Time is a limited resource; that time comes at the expense of time spent with him ("with" by text, in person, or otherwise). He might see that as a rejection of him, when it isn't. It is an expression of her needs, yes, but it isn't a zero-sum situation. Taking time for herself does not equate to less affection for him. They are different topics.

 

I hear his need to feel loved, not his need for lots of time talking on the phone or hanging out mid week etc. For that reason, I suggest that if he can see her affection for him remains, the change in their schedule might be mutually beneficial.

 

If they each remain uninterested in being available to others, if they want to be together in a drama-free manner, and if they believe they can each learn the skills necessary to make that happen, then this situation might be exactly right for them both.

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Staying on as fwb when you want a committed relationship is a recipe for disaster imo. She is having her cake and eating it too, keeping you around to warm her bed whenever the mood strikes without having to deal with the whole you. Yet, if she comes across a better option you are liable to be dropped unceremoniously. It's about being able to compartmentalize. There is nothing to understand. She compartmentalizes you as week no strings attached fun and then goes her merry way during the weekdays as a free agent. Her reasons for breaking up were valid. Her subsequent hot and cold approach not so much. She was right in bowing out in the first place. Imo, it would be best to leave it until you have addressed your issues on your own. Then she may be able to handle the whole you and not just the good part.

 

I agree with this. If you need a FWB, find someone else.

 

Same answer for a GF. A former GF that wants to demote you in status, is kind of offensive no matter her reasons for it.

 

I'd advise you to have some self respect and tell her to go away.

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OP --

 

We have shown various perspectives. If you need more contact, she doesn't offer it. If you need affection from afar with regular weekend visits sort of like an LDR, it seems you have that.

 

You used the "fwb" term to help describe it to us, but she didn't use that term, is that right? Have her intentions for you changed? To me, it doesn't sound as if she is interested in being single or in acting single. Have you talked about that?

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OP --

 

We have shown various perspectives. If you need more contact, she doesn't offer it. If you need affection from afar with regular weekend visits sort of like an LDR, it seems you have that.

 

You used the "fwb" term to help describe it to us, but she didn't use that term, is that right? Have her intentions for you changed? To me, it doesn't sound as if she is interested in being single or in acting single. Have you talked about that?

 

Some further information. What we had all along was a ldr. The week though was not what it was now. There was communication, wishing eachother goodnight, good morning, curious about how are days are.. Etc.

 

She did not but when I brought it up, I said, "correct me if I'm wrong, but we're friends with benefits who enjoy the same things, enjoy eachothers company". It was met without resistance; today actually. It was not meant with resistance and her response was "well what if the time comes when it is no more, would you be okay then? That's the point."

 

She asked me today what benefit I saw out of the situation, given it seemed that I wanted more and was holding out for something. I responded. Followed up with that question to her with no response to it.

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if you're end game is to get back into a relationship with her - then walk away .. FAST.

Entering into an FWB does not rekindle anythign about a relationsip. Sorry.

 

If you get involved in this manner HOPING to win her over again with a DIFFERENT end goal - you are not only going to get hurt, but you are lying to her by agreeing to an FWB when you know you have no interest in just a FWB. NOT a great way to try and start a relationship - based on a lie to try and manipulate them back to you.

 

Let her go. Or else you're going to get REALLY hurt on this one.

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It was met without resistance; today actually. It was not meant with resistance and her response was "well what if the time comes when it is no more, would you be okay then? That's the point."

 

She asked me today what benefit I saw out of the situation, given it seemed that I wanted more and was holding out for something. I responded. Followed up with that question to her with no response to it.

 

OP, She is checking in to make sure you are okay with this uncertain arrangement. She is signaling that she sees this ending at some point.

 

I am so sorry. Your investment is better spent elsewhere - yourself, your life goals. She is not on your path, and therefore is at best a distraction from your progress.

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She is, possibly, weaning herself off you. Or maybe this is an easier mode of relationship for her, with you. Anyway, you are helping her through the break-up process. She sees you as subservient to her wishes (very unattractive) and will likely dump you totally when she finds something she likes better.

 

Believe it or not, if you cut this off, go no contact, and get on with your own treatment and self improvement then you take back the power, give her the chance to miss you, and for fading affect bias to take effect, and:

 

(a) You will heal and improve yourself, if you do the work; and

 

(b) If she decides to come back, great that's a nice bonus.

 

Along the way, she gave you her reasons for backing away - dealing with your ptsd/depression.

 

Take this time to do that.

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