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Thread: Help! Wife threatening to leave me and take our Daughter and Twin Boys

  1. #1

    Join Date
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    Help! Wife threatening to leave me and take our Daughter and Twin Boys

    Ok, so my wife is and always has been very volatile. I love her dearly but at times its hard to keep those feelings for her. Like last night...

    We have twin boys on the way, she will.be induced at the end of Feb. She has had a horrendous pregnancy and spent most of the time off work (teacher). I have a serious medical condition which recently has led to.be.dropping hours at work, using a wheelchair and having adaptations done to the house. It's a difficult transition time for.me to.put it mildly along with the fact that they now want to do.a liver transplant assessment. Obviously timing with the twins on the way is far from ideal. I was.due to travel 2 hours away to a hotel near the hospital i would have the transplant at for a day of tests today. Part 2 of the assessment requires my wife to.be there so.we agreed my parents would take me (wife has a terrible relationship with them and my daughter has never been in their aolw care or spent much time at all with her grandparents.

    The plan was for me to finish work, come home and grab a quick bite to eat then put our Daughter to bed and reassure her that whilst I won't be there in the morning I will be back early evening. My parentd were due to pick.me up around 8 and then drive 2 hours to the hotel to ensure we werent late for the appointment wbich was first thing. Traffic is.always bad on that route in a.morning. She is about as much a Daddys girl as you can ever imagine. I took.her on Sunday to the cinema and for a pizza to help her cope with me not being their when she wakes up. She always comes to find me (even before my wife fell pregnant) in the morning and I make her breakfast and get her dressed and ready for school or the day ahead.

    My daughter is on a weeks school holiday at the moment so had been home with mum all day. I work till 5.30, and at 5pm my wife got my daughter to call me and say mummy isnt very well. When will you be home? I checked with her what was wrong and she said it was the flu bit she felt terrible. I have alot going on at work at the moment and have been to 90% of my wife's hospital appointments even when i have had to.stretch the truth to get the time off. I didn't think this was anything too serious, perhaps more that she felt she couldn't look.afyer our Daughter on her own any more. I said I would be home asap after I finished at 5.30 (I have to use taxis as i do t drive so it's always dependent on their avaiability as to.when I can leave work.
    I then get a call from my mother in law saying that she can't believe I am going to the transplant appointment and leaving my wife unwell. What if she goes into labour She added. She had been at our house all weekend and we never discussed me not going to this appointment as all the other actions we did suggest. But she insisted she and my wife had spoken to me at least 10 times about it. My condition means I have a poor memory due to the toxins in my body and I am quite sure she was playing on that. She put the phone down on me twice and told me that she would support my wife leaving me if i am prepared to not be there for my wife at a difficult time. This was whilst I was at work.

    It's fair to say i buckled and conceded to cancelling the appointments today. Based on the fact I don't want my wife to leave me and take the kids which would cause no ends of problems at an already difficult time for me, it seemed the only option. My wife was in bed when i got home and as I find stairs very difficult I.communicated via whatsapp to her while cooking my daughter's tea and getting her ready for bed. These are the messages we excha get with each other. If you have got this far then firstly thank you, and be prepared for what your about to read....

    [11/02, 17:19] Wife: 8th Feb - at least the 10th time I have asked you to telephone and clarify the urgency of these appointments with a view to changing the dates as a result of their answer.
    [11/02, 17:20] Wife: I have been repeatedly requesting you to call them since January but you point blank refuse to engage with me.
    [11/02, 17:21] Wife: Have more messages again explaining how it 'll be easier travelling with the babies than me being in this situation. But what do you care. You 're parents quite happily driving you 2 hours away from me tonight just for the sake of traffic. Could easily set off at 6am. But who cares. Not you that's for sure.
    [11/02, 17:21] Wife: I'm so ill and you 've done nothing to help me cope with this week at all. (APART FROM COOKING EVERY MEAL, FETTING OUR DAUGGTER TO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING, ALL THE WASHING, ALL THE DIAH WASHING AND GOING TO A SHOP AT 2.30 IN THE MORNING TO GET DEEP FREEZE FOR RESTLESS LEGS - DIDNT MEAN FOR THIS TO BE UPPERCASE)
    [11/02, 17:22] Wife: Love how you just deny conversations that have been had time and time and time again. It's becoming a joke.
    [11/02, 17:23] Me: (looking at screenshots she has sent to me) All these conversations are about part 2 not tomorrow
    [11/02, 17:23] Wife: Ok be pedantic
    [11/02, 17:23] Wife: off
    [11/02, 17:24] Wife: Surely if you don't want me going at all then why suggest leaving at 6am?
    [11/02, 17:24] Wife: Thing is - you never actually rang did you??? At all. So now we are at the same.familiar situation that happens with you ALL THE TIME. the appointment is here and it's too late to do anything about it.
    [11/02, 17:25] Me: I wanted to use this appointment as a fact finding opportunity, to discuss how we would move forward with it and to meet the people involved
    [11/02, 17:25] Wife: Perhaps if you pulled your finger out your arse and did what you should have done in the first place then you would have had the knowledge and insight to make a.decision but you refused to ring. You need someone to do everything for you..you rang and left a message here and there. You never rang and said this is urgent I need a call back. I need to discuss this.
    [11/02, 17:26] Wife: Go away. I'm so ill
    [11/02, 17:26] Wife: You 're no father to my kids.
    [11/02, 17:26] Wife: Or husband
    [11/02, 17:26] Wife: Now get lost.
    [11/02, 17:27] Wife: And if it was only ever your intention to have gone to the appt tomorrow then why lead me astray and lie making out you have rung etc. You 're a joke.
    [11/02, 17:28] Wife: Oh and if you.left at 6am then at least you were in the area over night and not 2 hours away. But I guess you just don't care either way!
    [11/02, 17:28] Wife: I wouldn't even be able to get hold if you anyway. I have to put.my mum.down as Caitlins emergency contact at least 80% of the time as you never ever answer your phone.
    [11/02, 17:56] Wife: I have no energy and nothing to say. Thanks for coming home almost an hour after you d planned to. You are not dependable in any shape or form. Just come and give your child some tea and say night. Then get lost.
    [11/02, 17:58] Me: I finish work at 5.30, always do everyday I work.
    [11/02, 18:49] Wife: Go to this appt and just do what the hell you want cos at the end of the day you don't give a about me and never have done. I have been so so run down and I'll for weeks and you don't even care. I 'll sort myself out. I always have done and always do. Even when crawling flat on my face I have always been physically forced to sort anything and everything out. And no I wasn't ill from 5 pm you selfish pig.
    [11/02, 18:51] Wife: At this moment our relationships is beyond being on the rocks. It is way past the bloody rocks and I have no intention of you being coming to any appts - which works fine as you have no intention on coming either. And I do not want you there when I have the babies. You 've no interest in the labour or preparing me for it or helping me understand and plan pain relief or a birth plan. All you give a dam about is whether you call them chavvy football names.
    [11/02, 18:52] Wife: So I suggest you do what you want. I am fed up of the torrents of abuse and aggressive tone and manner from you that I am left with no choice but to repeatedly block you because I have no energy to retaliate to you and cannot get through to your blinkered narrow perspective.
    [11/02, 18:55] Me: it's cancelled tomorrow. End off
    [11/02, 18:55] Wife: End of day I'm doing this on my own and have been..You haven't been there for me and aren't there for me. Just aggressive and cruel to me. Belittle me. Tell me how work and your parents are more important than me. I don't want anything to do with you. Take your parents to your part 2. Let's see what kind of carers they d be seeing as you make out they 're amazing and the sun shines out their arse. Love to be a fly on the wall in that.when they can't even discuss your health with you!!!! You 're full of bull .
    [11/02, 18:55] Wife: So you cancel it and make my life hell as a result of it??
    [11/02, 18:56] Wife: May as well just pack up and go cos you 're such a pig you d rather your wife and 3 kids homeless than yourself.
    [11/02, 18:58] Me: I was left with no choice but to cancel. You and your Mum made that very clear. I'm.not going to make your life hell because of it
    [11/02, 19:00] Wife: No choice???
    [11/02, 19:00] Wife: Whatever.
    [11/02, 19:00] Wife: You chose to cancel
    [11/02, 19:00] Wife: You already are making my life hell.
    [11/02, 19:00] Wife: I highly suggest that you go as I'm about to make a decision I won't be regretting.
    [11/02, 19:00] Wife: But you will.
    [11/02, 19:01] Wife: End of the day - you aren't cancelling for the right reason. You 're a selfish pig as detailed above.
    [11/02, 19:01] Wife: As for this pregnancy - there is no way forward for you to be involved.
    [11/02, 19:02] Wife: Based on the minimal/non existent involvement to date, your attitude to me and the current irreconcilable breakdown.
    [11/02, 19:02] Wife: I suggest you go as at present I wish to have nothing further to do with you at all. I will handle my pregnancy and labour independently as I have been doing.
    [11/02, 19:03] Wife: To have you present in the house tonight and tomorrow with the current situation will continue to cause me great upset and stress - I know that means nothing to you. But if you do I will pack and leave cos you 're such a pig you d happily see your wife on the street rather than leave yourself.
    [11/02, 19:04] Wife: I swear on my Dads grave that you are not having anything else to do with me from now on.
    [11/02, 19:06] Wife: Despite how ill I feel I will find the energy to either kick you out or ring the police to get myself out of this mentally abusive relationship which I should have done.
    [11/02, 19:11] Wife: If you think I'm turning back on this decision then you 're wrong. I can't wait to see how you feel when you realise the consequences of your behaviour towards me. Maybe you 'll be bothered? But then again judging by the breed you 're from it 'll be "All about you"
    [11/02, 19:13] Wife: How ironic too that you were quite happy to discuss me moving my induction date to the detriment of our babies health and development based on the fact you couldn't be arsed to ring and find out if your assessment was urgent!!!!
    [11/02, 19:13] Wife: So glad they 'll never know you
    [11/02, 19:44] Wife: Caitlin needs to.go.to.bed
    [11/02, 19:44] Me: I know but she is finishing off her tea

    I have been up most of the night with stomach crpa and loose stools which is unlike me and I can only put it down to the stress of the above.

    Your thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hormones. Relax and be supportive. Try to diffuse arguments especially now. However don't be manipulated by threats and nonsense.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    That whole wall of text screams ďI need you right now. I need you to be there for my labor, I need you to help with my birth plan, I need you to make me a priority now and show that you care.Ē She seems incredibly hurt and is lashing out something fierce. No doubt is she wrong for attacking you this way, but Iíd consider trying to read the deeper message here.

  4. #4
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    OK, wait, are you in a serious health issue to the point of needing a liver transplant and your wife is feeling abandoned because you are not going to be able to do anything about the birth?

    And her mom's giving you crap for it too?

    So, I can see her point and your point. It's like two freight trains about to collide!

    The way I see it, you cannot postpone getting a liver transplant because in the long run her life and the kids lives will be severely impacted if you are gone--blunt.

    If you cannot be there to hold her hand at the birth? Very disappointing, sure, undoubtedly. But nobody risks dying.

    Have you discussed all of this with her doctor and with yours?

    Have them weigh in on the issues!

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  6. #5
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    I understand where your wife is coming from.

    Your wife is pregnant, 2 weeks from delivery with twins with a young child at home. Thatís exhausting! It really is a high risk time for her and not the ideal time for you to be away from home.

    The wait for a liver transplant is usually measured in years. This is just the first of many consultations.

    I donít think she was asking you to cancel the appointment. I donít think she was asking you to put your health at risk. What I think she WAS asking you to do was to gather information from your doctors. To simply ask the question re: whether there were ways to minimize the impacts given the situation. Doctors often donít offer up that information unless you ask.

    Some examples of things that might have been possible (but you would need to have spoken to your doctors to understand the options)
    - preliminary medical tests at a location closer to home so as to make the consultation more efficient
    - a consultation via Skype in conjunction with the above
    - consultation with another affiliated office or trusted group of doctors
    - postponing the appointment by 3 weeks (if your doctors agreed it could wait)
    - leaving in the morning instead of the night before

    I think that all she was really asking you to do was to tell your doctors of your situation and find out IF there were options. While they may prefer to run tests themselves, for example, having someone else closer to home may also have been more than acceptable if you had asked.

    ... but the point is that you donít know IF there were options because you didnít ask the question. You kind of forged ahead with making your own plans. She perceives your lack of effort to inform yourself of possible alternatives (which could possibly reasonably exist) as being selfish and not caring.

    I do have to wonder if you have trust issues in your marriage? Do you not trust that - had you informed yourself of possible options - she would have worked with you to find a solution that is ALSO in your best interest and works for everyone? And why did you not see leaving in the morning as a good option (other than avoiding traffic)?

    I see a lot of broken trust between you, and selfishness all around (her too), and mounting frustrations.

    ... and really, I think an apology for not at least calling the doctors (even if it would not have amounted to anything) would have been more productive than cancelling the appointment all together. No offense, but I see that as kind of a temper tantrum on your own behalf and had no real benefit for anyone.

  7. #6
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    If you are on the transplant list, why did you not avoid her fertile days/use contraceptive? you obviously were equally as sick yourself 9 months ago as you are today unless it came on suddenly. This is a lot of stress not only caring for the daughter, but worrying if you are going to be a widow or have to deal with your kids on your own because your husband could be bedridden for an indefinite period. I don't think you are uncaring for going to the transplant appointment - you alleviated her burden by having your parents take you - but what about taking your daughter with you to alleviate her and have her mother stay with her? I get what she is saying, but does she understand that you have a terminal health condition, to?

    I don't think there is a winner here -- i think you need to go to counseling together because between babies and transplant and pushback from the in-laws, its an awful lot to deal with

  8. #7
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    Some examples of things that might have been possible (but you would need to have spoken to your doctors to understand the options)
    - preliminary medical tests at a location closer to home so as to make the consultation more efficient
    - a consultation via Skype in conjunction with the above


    I know someone on the transplant list and they had to go 2-3 hours to their appointments -- because that is where the specialists were. Not every hospital does transplants, especially if you live on the outskirts. Let's give an example - if you are somewhere in rural ohio you may have to go to Chicago or Cleveland or something. you are not going to pull up to the Amish country doctor for a transplant assessment. Its not just simply about getting a blood draw.


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