Big favour, no gratitude

Long story, bear with me. I have had an on and off again relationship with a girl for a long time but lost contact for a few years. Last year we reconnected. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship so I decided to get her out of the house as much as possible and we had many fun outings to get her out of that world. She had no job or income so was reliant on this guy. I had enough of what she was becoming under the stress and suggested she get out and that i would fund the first couple of months rent and supply the deposit on a rental house. She agreed. We looked at places and found one. and she was able to escape Then when it came time to move out she got an old boyfriend to help her move as he had a truck. i wanted to help her move too but she said i had done enough for her. In the end it took 3 weekends for her to move out and each weekend this old boyfriend was with her. I wanted to catch up with her before I left for an overseas trip but she said she couldnt as still moving. When i got back from trip i asked to see her and check out the house (which i had paid for). She kept pushing me away, saying she is not ready for visitors. By this time i am getting quite upset as i have paid for this house. To this point she has not done anything whatsoever to thank me. I was expecting at least an invite for dinner or something. If i complain about not being allowed to come and see her, she tells me I am holding this favour over her. Its like the more I do for her, the more she pushes me away. Am i right to be angry that I have got no real thanks for the favour or am i being crass in expecting something? her words say thanks but her actions say the opposite. I have done a huge favour for this girl and instead of being thanked or rewarded, she has pushed me away further. Can anyone see her side of the story? Or as I am thinking i have been used? Im very upset and depressed about it but the more I protest, the further away I’m pushed. Our friendship is hanging by a thread. What can i do to fix this?

It sounds like she used any port in the storm to get out of her situation. All you can do is be frank with her. It sounds like you would like to be more than friends. She my be back with the old bf. In that case you'll have to ask her to start paying you back. Put that in writing. However legally it could be considered a gift since there was no discussion of repayment.

Why did you offer to do all of this for her? Deep down, I imagine you were hoping she'd see your value and start to feel something more. It is never a good idea to put yourself in a such a position unless you are prepared to do so out of genuinely altruistic intentions, with no expectation of the favour being returned. Life just often isn't fair that way, much as we'd like it to be.

I think she knows your motivations are more than platonic and she isn't interested in you that way. My guess is that she has a guy in her life now (perhaps the old boyfriend) and doesn't want you knowing about it, lest the gravy train come grinding to a halt.

My question is, has she literally not thanked you even once? Or just not thanked you in the way that you hoped, like a date?

I don't feel she should have accepted your offer to begin with, to be clear. But, you did offer. And it doesn't appear there was any agreement on how the favour might be returned. There is little you can do but cut your losses here and accept that it's not going to develop into anything more, and that you will probably not recuperate any of the money you put into this. Yes, you may indeed lose your friendship with her. Tough lesson to be learned here.

We became really close last year and I assumed the favour would at least keep that level of friendship going. While it didn’t get to sex this time (it has in the past), it did get to heavy petting stage if I can use an old fashioned term. The old boyfriend did offer to house her to escape too but she told me she didn’t want that and would do that as a last resort, giving me the message she wasn’t interested in returning to him. The money is not an issue for me. She has said thanks (not a lot) but hasn’t shown any real sign of gratitude. I don’t mean a date but not even come and see what I have done with the place. I am not allowed to visit without an invitation. it’s just really distressing when you do a favour and not only don’t feel appreciated but actually get negativity in return, it’s soul destroying

I am not allowed to visit without an invitation. it’s just really distressing when you do a favour and not only don’t feel appreciated but actually get negativity in return, it’s soul destroying

Well, no, of course not. You don't live there or own the house, and I assume your name is not on the lease. Why would expect to be welcomed without an invitation?

You offered her the money. That was a big risk. You appear to be understanding that too late.

You are very right on every count Miss Canuck. it's just very depressing to me. I thought our friendship was at higher level and i didnt expect her to basically accept the favour and then dump me, which seems the case. We spoke of doing things locally on a regular basis but that has turned out to be all just talk. It's just a very sad time for me because last year was such a fun time for us and I didn't see this coming. Thanks for your practical and direct advice. Ouch but thanks.

This lady is in no position to offer the kind of relationship you are hoping for with her. She's got some serious issues that she, herself, has to resolve before she can even stand a chance of being in a healthy relationship or even friendship.

She's running on a survival mode, where guys are potential stepping stones to get her needs met. You filled a need for her, now she's done... unless she needs you again.

I'm not saying this to paint her as a monster. She isn't. But she isn't someone self sufficient nor right with herself. And people will do and justify all kinds of things in the name of getting their needs met. There's no room here for her considering how this may have impacted you.

This idea too of saving someone by swooping in and taking over for them, it doesn't work, and it crippled them further. Next time you feel the urge to save someone from themselves, stop a minute. Ask yourself how much what you are doing is really about yourself. She met a need for you too by being cast in the helpless role. You feel sort of entitled to a continued relationship with her. Why?

You feel sort of entitled to a continued relationship with her. Why?

Because we have had a healthy relationship for long periods in the past and I wanted to believe this might be possible again.

Yes I'm thinking of myself as well here. That's only natural when you have feelings for someone. I don't want to just walk away though.

Because we have had a healthy relationship for long periods in the past and I wanted to believe this might be possible again.

 

Yes I'm thinking of myself as well here. That's only natural when you have feelings for someone. I don't want to just walk away though.

How healthy was it really though, OP? Was there an actual relationship, or just a friendship?

You were escape valve while she was still dating her ex. That in and of itself is not particularly healthy, because it sets up a lopsided dynamic with you trying to be her White Knight while she was navigating an apparently toxic relationship.

Yes, it may have indeed been all talk when she spoke of hanging out regularly with you after the move. You were offering her a big gift so she wasn't likely to say no to hanging out when you were putting yourself out there financially. That was not cool of her, but you were not thinking very logically either when you offered her that much money. Both of you made mistakes here.

But it sounds as though she is making it very clear now that she isn't looking for more from you and probably has someone else in her life romantically. Walking away from her might be irrelevant if she's already keeping you at arm's length. It will hurt, but you will likely need to chalk this up to an expensive lesson learned. I'm not sure if you're in a legal position to recuperate the money from her, but you need to speak to an attorney if you intend to try.

Adopting the role of rescuer has it's down side. You may believe that offering charity will prompt gratitude, but with damaged people, it often prompts a feeling of indebtedness and resentment toward any real or imagined strings attached. Stepping in to play the role of someone's bandage can land you used and discarded, unfortunately.

If you haven't paid the next month's rent, you may want to notify this tenant that the bill has become her own to pay. I do hope that your name is not on the lease.

Head high, we all live and learn.

Long story, bear with me. I have had an on and off again relationship with a girl for a long time but lost contact for a few years. Last year we reconnected. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship so I decided to get her out of the house as much as possible and we had many fun outings to get her out of that world. She had no job or income so was reliant on this guy. I had enough of what she was becoming under the stress and suggested she get out and that i would fund the first couple of months rent and supply the deposit on a rental house. She agreed. We looked at places and found one. and she was able to escape Then when it came time to move out she got an old boyfriend to help her move as he had a truck. i wanted to help her move too but she said i had done enough for her. In the end it took 3 weekends for her to move out and each weekend this old boyfriend was with her. I wanted to catch up with her before I left for an overseas trip but she said she couldnt as still moving. When i got back from trip i asked to see her and check out the house (which i had paid for). She kept pushing me away, saying she is not ready for visitors. By this time i am getting quite upset as i have paid for this house. To this point she has not done anything whatsoever to thank me. I was expecting at least an invite for dinner or something. If i complain about not being allowed to come and see her, she tells me I am holding this favour over her. Its like the more I do for her, the more she pushes me away. Am i right to be angry that I have got no real thanks for the favour or am i being crass in expecting something? her words say thanks but her actions say the opposite. I have done a huge favour for this girl and instead of being thanked or rewarded, she has pushed me away further. Can anyone see her side of the story? Or as I am thinking i have been used? Im very upset and depressed about it but the more I protest, the further away I’m pushed. Our friendship is hanging by a thread. What can i do to fix this?

If you did it for her you wouldn't be upset.

Don't do things for gratitude, do it because you sincerely want to help someone.

Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about and got me looking outside of my own headspace. Glad I posted