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Thread: Ex friend back in the picture

  1. #1
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    Ex friend back in the picture

    My fiancť has started telling me how she misses this guy she used to be really good friends with. She has spent nights crying about him, and how she misses the friendship. She told me she doesnít think there can be a friendship between them with me in the picture.
    She said they were really close before and would hang out constantly. While she was married before this same guy ended up texting her telling her all the sexual stuff he would like to do to her. She said she didnít participate but also didnít ask him to stop. After we got
    together, he stopped contacting her and she did the same towards him. Today she told me she wanted to call him to end things with him on a better note.

    She talked to him for a while and then she told him there really couldnít be a friendship as thereís no room for him and I In her life.

    Iíve never met the guy but I think heís an awful person by what she says he has said to her, and how he didnít even say anything or tried talking to her when he randomly stopped contact.

    After she got off the phone with him she started crying about how easy it was to talk to him and how she really misses him and misses their friendship. I honestly just sat there because I donít know what to do. I donít feel like there is room for both of us in her life. I want to comfort her but at the same time I canít say itís ok to keep talking to him because itís not.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I usually say not to mess with friendships from before the relationship BUT this friendship is disrespectful to you and your relationship given the sexual messages and proximity. I also think her over the top crying reaction was inappropriate and disproportional to the situation. Don't let her make you feel guilty for the end of that "friendship". Some things are simply inappropriate in a relationship, even if there's no cheating. It's natural normal that their proximity makes you feel uncomfortable.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Something doesn't add up. I have male friends and then I also have known males in my life that cross boundaries with sexual things such as you describe.
    She seems awfully naive to think he just wants to be her friend and nothing else . . and yet cries over it?
    I think she needs a minute to dig a little deeper about her feelings on this one.
    And no, you can't make it better for her.

    You ought to be a little concerned.
    It just doesn't add up.
    Most women recognize that men like this guy are not our `friend'

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    They had more than a friendship, and your gf has strong feelings for him- may even be in love with him.

    Why is he so awful? Your gf is the awful one. She emotionally cheated on her husband by allowing highly inappropriate messages. You need to stop being so naive about your gf. She is now being disrespectful to you.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    It's called an emotional affair.. If she had ever valued you and your relationship or her past husband and their relationship, she would not be holding on to this man.

    Most people want what they could have had... I am guessing nothing physical ever occurred between them and she wished it had so she is holding on to that what if...

    If I were you, I would sort my own emotions about this and be honest with how this intimacy she has with this man affects you. If you know that it's disrespectful and detrimental to your relationship, I would advise you both to seek counseling or cut your losses and move on with your separate lives. Just know there's someone out there who can be yours and considerate of your feelings.

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    The bigger problem here, OP, is that she is still emotionally attached to him.

    You need to be very concerned about that. You can't tell her what to do, but you can tell her that you find her interactions with this "friend" (and he's no friend if he was sexting her, particularly while she was married) inappropriate. You also need to let her know that if she decides to rekindle this "friendship", there will be consequences for your relationship. You say he is awful, and I would agree, but your girlfriend is no better here.

    How long have you been together?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    They still have an intense connection and always will. Whether you know about it or not. Of course the crying scene was to set the table for when she fires this affair up again. So is the act that she "needs to talk to him for proper closure" and how awful he is, blah blah.
    Originally Posted by turnerik
    My fiancť has started telling me how she misses this guy she used to be really good friends with.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    With everything she has told you, it is so obviously clear she has absolutely no fear of losing you. Crying over another man? And one who she has diarrhea of the mouth about, spelling out how he sexted her while she was a married woman.

    Those rose-colored glasses you have on must come off for your own good. No wonder her previous marriage ended with those poor ethics. It doesn't matter how cute, fun, sexy she is. She is poor relationship material. She's trying to manipulate you right now, hoping the man who loves her so much will take pity and let her pour time and emotional energy into another man she is attracted to (out in the open, since she knows secrets come out in the end, which probably happened in her first marriage).

    The only thing you can do with smelly garbage is to haul it to the sidewalk.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Something doesn't add up. I have male friends and then I also have known males in my life that cross boundaries with sexual things such as you describe.
    She seems awfully naive to think he just wants to be her friend and nothing else . . and yet cries over it?
    I think she needs a minute to dig a little deeper about her feelings on this one.
    And no, you can't make it better for her.

    You ought to be a little concerned.
    It just doesn't add up.
    Most women recognize that men like this guy are not our `friend'
    ^^^^ DING DING DING!!!! This is what I was gonna say. So he was inappropriate and she didn't like, but yet here she is crying over not being "friends" with him? If they had a past relationship and she does want to end it for you (which is the right thing to do)- why is she THIS overwrought over it? If you can't be friends with someone after you are married, it's probably because you were more than friends or want more than friendship. Married people often have friends of the opposite sex. It's not like you have to say " I'm getting married, so I can no longer be friends with any male ever, even if we were friends long before I met my spouse." Unless, of course, it ventured beyond friendship.

    I agree with the above poster, something here does NOT add up. She's not being fully honest with you about this man or this relationship. And I mean, FAR beyond "sexting". Nobody is this distraught over losing a friend they weren't that close to and no woman is going to cry over a man that was a nuisance that she is glad to get rid of. If this guy really is "just a friend" then there is no reason they can't continue to be friends after you are married. Even people who were once involved can still be friends if they are mature and faithful to their new spouse.
    I think it's some pretty massive red flags that
    1. She believes she is incapable of being friends with him after your marriage- points to that there's something still there.
    2. She is this upset about it- this strongly indicates that at the very best- she's attracted to him and will miss the attention or at worst- she has real feelings for him and doesn't feel good about letting it go- BOTH of which should concern you.

    The fact that she is obsessing over this "friend" and not just reveling in all your engagement glory is concerning.

    Awkward as it may be, I think you need to ask her why she is actually this upset about the prospect of not hanging out with him. And it's NOT because they were such "good friends". Better to have this conversation now than after you are married. The LAST thing you want to do is get married and have this symbolic " forbidden fruit" hanging around. It might be "fine for now" but what happens when she continues to "miss him" or after the two of you have a big fight? Or if she's feeling unattractive? There a reason she didn't stop him during her former marriage. You need to nip this in the bud NOW. You know this is not normal or healthy for her to be responding in this way.

    IMVHO, she would not be THIS upset unless there were strong feelings on her side. Otherwise, she'd have no problem "taking out the trash".

    I know it's a chick flick- but bear with me here- In The Notebook, Ally is engaged but goes to "check on" her old love, Noah. it wasn't to "check", it was because she still loved him. Even her mother says to her later in the movie' You knew what would happen if you came out here". Reminds me of your fiance and ending things on "better terms". If she really thinks this guy is a creep and has no place in her life, why is she THIS concerned how he feels and making him feel better about "ending things". If he was a pest that she's glad to be rid of, and he wasn't even talking to her- what is there to "end"???? SHE wanted to talk to him and an acceptable excuse to you to talk to him. Simple as that.
    Last edited by redswim30; 02-12-2019 at 10:45 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    They still have an intense connection and always will. Whether you know about it or not. Of course the crying scene was to set the table for when she fires this affair up again. So is the act that she "needs to talk to him for proper closure" and how awful he is, blah blah.
    I agree. These seem classical signs that she wants to get closer to him or even set up an affair in the future. The crying to emotionally manipulate the OP to feel guilty to be between this "friendship" and setting up the excuses "but I've told you how important he was to me" and the need to talk for closure when enough closure and reasons to break off this friendship should have been a supposed friend sending sexual messages to her when she was MARRIED to another man. And yes, the classical "he's so awful", yet she's crying because she needs to stay away from her "sexting friend" while being in a relationship. It's fishy.

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