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Thread: Unhappy but still sticking around and not sure why

  1. #1

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    Feb 2019
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    Unhappy but still sticking around and not sure why

    Hi!

    So I have been with my partner for 7 years, Iím f 25 and he is m 26. We got pregnant young (yes I was stupid) so we now have a 5 year old daughter. I moved back home with my mum when I found out I was pregnant and was lucky enough to live with her for a couple of years until I had saved enough on my own to move out with my daughter.
    I believe I have worked pretty hard the last 5 years, I am about to graduate in a couple of months from uni with a bachelor in Nursing, I worked full time hours whilst studying to be able to pay for everything my daughter and I have.
    But yes I am still with my partner who is the father of my daughter, he still lives at home with his parents and says he is still not ready to move out with us. He works full time & studied for 7 years which has now recently landed him a pretty decent paying job. He doesnít like helping out with money, he pays every second week of childcare (which is helpful) & every now and then may help with a bit of extra cash when I have been short or have had to take time off work for nursing placements. I personally donít believe it is enough and he could be helping more but he says he is saving for a house deposit. He thinks he is all that for saving for a house deposit for us as I am only renting with my 5 year old. But I canít get across to him that I also could be saving more money if he contributed more for us. As I am the one paying rent every week, paying the groceries, bills, clothing & such for our child.
    He does stay over a few nights a week, I clean up after him, I do his laundry, cook for him and obviously do the same for his child along with childcare drop offs and pick ups whilst Iím working and finishing my studies also. He works an hour away and does 12 hour days so he doesnít have to worry about any of this.
    Iím at a point where I canít even have sex with him anymore as Iím so turned off and resent him so much.
    I feel he basically has no emotions toward me, even when we have amazing opportunities to do things together as a family such as travel he just doesnít want to. Heíd rather be alone.
    Iím embarrassed writing all this, Iím sure I either sound crazy or like he obviously just doesnít want to be with me. But whenever I try to speak to him about any of this he spins it around and says he does love me, itís just the way he is and if I bring up money or moving in or helping around the house or even helping with school drop offs and pick ups as when I start my nursing grad year soon this will be impossible for me to do both, he will just pick a fight which ends in with me being called stupid and just saying these things for attention or that I am crazy.
    Ugh. Itís so hard to explain.
    I do still love him and care about him so much. I just donít know how to handle this situation, or how to talk to him without him laughing in my face and telling me Iím dramatic or just wanting to fight over nothing.
    I donít know what to do, maybe Im just needing someone to confirm that yes I am meant to give up and leave him already.
    I am to embarrassed to talk about this with my friends.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    It might be hard to explain but it's pretty easy to see that he isn't contributing to the relationship financially or emotionally, and it seems like you are checked out and ready to let go. It's not unusual to outgrow a relationship when you get together at such a young age. Just make sure that if / when you do split you get a formal agreement for custody and child support.

  3. #3
    I will never understand how can some persons be so insensitive, selfish and controlling.
    I just got out from a failed so-called relationship in which I put all efforts and gave all, just to receive nothing instead.
    This man does absolutely nothing to show he has any feeling or cares for you or,more, for his own child. He only pays what he is legally supposed to pay and nothing more. Moreover he uses you for his own comfort. You have no guarantee about future next to him.
    I know it is hard but you are better without him. Don't listen to his affirmations, they are lies(even if he may be not realising it). Words don't prove anything, action and attitude does.
    So you should get rid of him and go on with your life and with your daughter, you are a strong woman who fighted for herself and I am sure you will make it even better from now on. You deserve way better, not someone who brings you nothing but pain and insecurities.

  4. #4

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    Very true! I guess I just keep hoping for a change that wonít come. Thank you for your reply :)

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  6. #5

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    Thanks gottabeyou! That was a beautiful message I appreciate you writing it. I am sorry to hear you have recently gotten out of a similarish relationship. I am sure you are better off with out them. Good luck!! :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop doing this and being his mother. It's respect and relationship killer. The more time investment you make, the worse it is for you. You need to parent your child, not a sometimes maybe somewhat bf. Focus solely on co-parenting and stop the booty call and maid services.
    Originally Posted by Lucytan
    He does stay over a few nights a week, I clean up after him, I do his laundry, cook for him

  8. #7
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    He calls you
    Originally Posted by Lucytan
    stupid and...crazy.
    It's not hard to explain. He's a total deadbeat. You can coparent, but do not have to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. You should be getting at least 17% of his salary considering you would get sole custody. Even with joint, you still would get 17% since your daughter lives with you full-time.

    Stop being his maid. All he does is make a mess you have to clean up. You don't have time for a one-sided relationship with an unaccountable deadbeat.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I would break up with him & then start proceedings for child support payments.
    he sounds like a self douche bag who likes being looked after, but too lazy to reciprocate.
    You & your Daughter deserve so much better!

  10. #9
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    Seek legal council for child support and a parenting schedule (if he's trustworthy). He doesn't get to "camp out" at your apartment anymore where he gets to lounge and you do all the cooking, cleaning, and footwork. You have worked hard to better your life and circumstances for yourself and your child. You got pregnant young and not in the best circumstances. With support of your family and grit and motivation, you've created a world where it's hard, but you can support yourself and your child alone. This guy is just another child. Another person to keep up after. Clean. Cook. He has another child from another mother you are keeping after?? Did I read that right? No! I think it's great you are embracing this other child, but this child is a package deal with an involved father...which your guy is not. Bypass this loser and create a babysitting network with the other woman if this works for you...cut out the dead leg on this one....if it works; otherwise, you and your girl...cut off the dangly pieces that weigh your lives down.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    Seek legal council for child support and a parenting schedule (if he's trustworthy). He doesn't get to "camp out" at your apartment anymore where he gets to lounge and you do all the cooking, cleaning, and footwork. You have worked hard to better your life and circumstances for yourself and your child. You got pregnant young and not in the best circumstances. With support of your family and grit and motivation, you've created a world where it's hard, but you can support yourself and your child alone. This guy is just another child. Another person to keep up after. Clean. Cook. He has another child from another mother you are keeping after?? Did I read that right? No! I think it's great you are embracing this other child, but this child is a package deal with an involved father...which your guy is not. Bypass this loser and create a babysitting network with the other woman if this works for you...cut out the dead leg on this one....if it works; otherwise, you and your girl...cut off the dangly pieces that weigh your lives down.
    I understood she was talking about their child and not another one with another woman but maybe I understood wrong.

    But yes I agree with you. He's been dead weight and she shouldn't be doing all this for him. Having proper court agreement in child support and visitation time would make it easier than this him doing as he pleases.

    Both are resenting each other and that's an instant relationship killer.

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