Jump to content

Do they communicate better with other women


shineyboot

Recommended Posts

I've been giving all of my relationships a long hard think just recently and I'm actively working on improving my communication skills and I want to be better at my future relationships )I'm single btw.

 

On reflection a vast majority of the men I've dated have been men who haven't said much which poses challenges for me. I am someone who likes to communicate and this is important to me to feel wanted etc.

 

Not to say I'm good at communicating because I'm not sure I am, I tend to get emotional.

 

Anyway, my query is. These men who I struggle to communicate with in terms of getting anything out of them in terms of how they feel, what they want etc. seem to have gone on and had relationships with other women or had a long term relationship of 10 years or more with someone else.

 

This makes me feel like these women must know something I don't. I really, really tried with all of the men I've been with to make myself understood and failed. They generally shut down and didn't speak to me whenever there was any issue. So how do these other women manage it? Or do they just put up with it?

 

Personally I hated the silent treatment and it made me feel so lonely and isolated that I ended the relationship but when I spoke to my friend she said that that was 'nothing' and that her and her bf are like this every week.

 

Another issue is that one of my exes used to threaten to end things saying things like "I don't see a future with you'. Another reason why I ended it. I told my friend this and she said her bf says this a lot and she ignores it.

 

Now I'm wondering if I don't have much tolerance. I have high expectations I know that.

 

Is it too much to expect a man to communicate with me?

Link to comment

Communication should come naturally, when you two feel close and relaxed, but it surely must be present in a relationship.

Communication is really constructive when it is pursued in a certain manner and a good moment.

From what you described I can't figured out how did you try to communicate with them and what was your attitude.

Men in general are not as open as women, so if you try to push that and insist on him, you become annoying and that leads to an opposite expected result.

If you notice he is not in the mood, don't try to put any pressure and better wait for the moment to exchange opinions, desires and preferences.

If the other one is never willing to participate in an open discussion, then this is his problem.

Link to comment

Too vague to tell. You're not going to find very many men who are interested in regular, "deep" conversation. Particularly if the lady is getting especially emotional. But there are things you should be able to discuss without getting a silent treatment. For better or worse, men (and really pretty much all the women I'm close to) tend to be assertive when it comes to their emotional boundaries. My wife or I might have an issue with the other that's actually worth sitting down and discussing maybe once a year or every two years. Of course I'm all ears then. If it were once a week or even once a month, then I'd know it's simply going to happen again and that there essentially is no gain in putting the emotional energy into perpetual drama.

 

Basically, nuance is a thing.

Link to comment

Okay --

 

what do you mean when you want to know "how they feel and what they want". Are you hoping they open up to you when some major thing happens - a parent dies, etc, vs keeping it in or leaning on someone else, or are you taking the temperature of the relationship and want to constantly know how they feel or interpret any change in facial expression as something and you ask about it -- because the latter would be annoying.

 

If you feel "the need to be heard" -what about counseling so you can work all that out - so that you can be present in a relationship - and it can be more of a give and take - when you "have a need to be heard" often that doesn't mean simply saying something and having the other person listen, but to hammer the point over someone until you are sure that they hear you and understand the exact way you want them to in the exact moment.

 

or do you mean you date men who don't talk much -- not necessarily just about emotions.

 

There are men out there who are very chatty - i have run into a lot of men that have PR or sales jobs that never STOP talking -- but it doesn't mean they will want long drawn out conversations about their day to day emotions.

 

But perhaps its all none of the above - maybe you expect other people to think experiences and emotions are a far bigger deal than they do --- but you can talk about your feelings and perceptions without getting "emotional" and crying - you can talk about them in a calm manner -- but if you do you can't fault someone for immediately reacting the way you want. Its exhausting when someone always wants to pick apart emotions.

 

I would not beat yourself up over a guy dating you and then dating someone else for 10 years. Some people aren't ready to date when they meet a particular person or not for the long term and people can be not right/right for eachother in a variety of ways.

 

I don't think its a threat to tell someone you don't see a future --- i think actually its quite honest

Link to comment

I have changed the way I communicate, I never used to be direct and nothing was ever said. After several unsuccessful relationships like that I now tend to be more direct. Basically these men I've been with have not wanted to communicate and yes it was a key factor in them ending.

 

I do think that I could learn ways of encouraging men to be more open with me however but I do also think that these men don't communicate with other women as well and that some just put up with it.

Link to comment

I'm feel emotions but they are continually expressed no.

 

The guy who said he didn't see a future with me, was quite sulky and when I suggested if that was the case we end it I realised it was said for drama. I explained that this was a hurtful comment and that I would like him to explain further so we could discuss it. He wasn't interested so I dumped him.

Link to comment
I'm feel emotions but they are continually expressed no.

 

The guy who said he didn't see a future with me, was quite sulky and when I suggested if that was the case we end it I realised it was said for drama. I explained that this was a hurtful comment and that I would like him to explain further so we could discuss it. He wasn't interested so I dumped him.

 

Okay -- if someone doesn't see a future with you, that's it. you should not focus on "ouch, that hurt" but maybe that the guy is serious - he couldn't take the drama anymore but instead of accepting the breakup - you want to analyze it . Be honest - you did not rbeak up because he didn't want to discuss it - you broke up because he couldn't take your drama. If you want to decide you were the dumper and it was the guys fault for not discussing his emotions, maybe you need to look on the other side of the coin - HE is the one who said it was over. How can you operate in a relationship less dramatically?

Link to comment

Yes I'm emotional in that I feel them, I'm sensitive if someone walks ahead of me or doesn't sit next to me on the sofa I will interpret that as distance. Others don't.

 

I am sensitive to others and pick up on any moodiness, which there was plenty of with some of these men. I then often asked them if they were okay and the answer would be 'fine'. I never got to the bottom of anything. There was always a horrible feeling in the air like I had done something wrong, or something was wrong but nothing was said.

 

I like things out in the open and feel I haven't got that in the past. Maybe this is what a women has to put up with, in some men.

Link to comment

Based on some of your previous posts, I suspect part of this is that your communication is driven by your anxiety in relationships instead of the natural flow of getting to know someone. This means the communication ends up being one sided, which is supported by your comments that "I really, really tried with all of the men I've been with to make myself understood and failed". Yes if you are constantly communicating your needs and wants to a man without listening to his, he will shut down and pull away from you because he feels like you don't accept him for who he is.

 

Edited to add (because you asked) there is no way to know why these men are able to communicate more easily with other women, but my guess is that the women spend as much time listening as they do talking and have some acceptance of the men for who they are.

Link to comment
You see this is my point. I don't want to be one sided but when a man doesn't speak or can't express his needs it is difficult.

 

Are you expecting the men to communicate like women do? As in to be totally open about their emotions, thoughts and feelings with you in order to build connection? If so, you are going to end up disappointed in general with male / female relationships, because men don't communicate that way.

Link to comment
Yes, how can I understand a man's needs if they can't tell me them when I ask. I asked what was wrong and if he was okay when he didn't speak to me and he never told me anything.

 

He already told you what was wrong -- he didn't see a future with you. asking him "are you okay?" after that tells him that you don't respect his decision/feelings - that that is not how he *really* feels. Are you that thick - or do you just don't believe what he says he feels is true?

Also, people don't "owe" you to tell you about everything in their head. You can also understand people by their actions, which often speak loudly.

Link to comment
Yes I'm emotional in that I feel them, I'm sensitive if someone walks ahead of me or doesn't sit next to me on the sofa I will interpret that as distance. Others don't.

 

I am sensitive to others and pick up on any moodiness, which there was plenty of with some of these men. I then often asked them if they were okay and the answer would be 'fine'. I never got to the bottom of anything. There was always a horrible feeling in the air like I had done something wrong, or something was wrong but nothing was said.

 

I like things out in the open and feel I haven't got that in the past. Maybe this is what a women has to put up with, in some men.

 

Shiney....everybody feels emotions. Stop telling yourself that your emotions are more special than the rest of humanity. That's lying to yourself and it won't help you in terms of dealing with life and relationships. Having emotions is human. Regulating your emotions is necessary for a happy, healthy life.

 

If someone walks ahead of you or doesn't sit next to you, you are CHOOSING to interpret that as a personal insult, as distance. You are collecting wounds that nobody is actually inflicting on you except yourself.

 

If you ask if someone is ok and they tell you fine, it's on you to accept the answer and NOT carry on with your perception that something is horribly off and wrong and there is this "air" hanging. Again, drama you are creating for yourself and unfortunately, for the other person as well. They have to deal with your bs and it's stressful and unpleasant to say the least.

 

This isn't about women or men. This is about you.

Link to comment

Maybe but there is also a thing called gut feeling. My gut feeling told me that there was something up with him. Even if there wasn't I didn't want to be with someone who gets up without kissing me good morning, doesn't touch me, fixes his own breakfast and eats it without me on a Sunday, walks a mile ahead, answers in one word answers.

 

Where is the fun in that? No thank you.

Link to comment
Maybe but there is also a thing called gut feeling. My gut feeling told me that there was something up with him. Even if there wasn't I didn't want to be with someone who gets up without kissing me good morning, doesn't touch me, fixes his own breakfast and eats it without me on a Sunday, walks a mile ahead, answers in one word answers.

 

Where is the fun in that? No thank you.

 

Those are entirely separate issues and you are correct to say no thanks to that. However, you don't conflate issues like talking and creating drama with the guy not treating you how you want to be treated when it comes to actions.

Link to comment

I didn't create drama. I didn't do anything I ignored and put up with all the 'distant' treatments (as I saw them) and I didn't say a thing. I buried my feelings of hurt, isolation and loneliness.

 

Then when he said 'he didn't see a future with me' I knew it was time to dump him. He never said anything was wrong up until this statement. This was the point of the thread - how am I supposed to know if men don't communicate, what do you do?

 

He wouldn't have said anything whatever I did - he just didn't speak or know how to express his feelings.

Link to comment

It was all guesswork. That is the thing, looking back on these men and all the confusion and hurt caused by the lack of transparency. I like to communicate but when someone won't communicate with you?

 

How do partners cope? I didn't and I don't want to be with someone I hardly know, what is the point of that?

 

Yes I want a very close bond and maybe it is unrealistic but what is the point of just spending time with a stranger, like this guy he was a stranger to me.

Link to comment
It was all guesswork. That is the thing, looking back on these men and all the confusion and hurt caused by the lack of transparency. I like to communicate but when someone won't communicate with you?

 

How do partners cope? I didn't and I don't want to be with someone I hardly know, what is the point of that?

 

Yes I want a very close bond and maybe it is unrealistic but what is the point of just spending time with a stranger, like this guy he was a stranger to me.

 

You start out by talking in general about men and as you continue replying to posts, it becomes clear that you are talking about one specific man and his response (or lack of) to your questions.

 

You say you want transparency when it comes to communication... that needs to start with you. If you had begun all of this with what you really want to know, which is why it didn't work out with this specific man, vs. generalizing all men, we wouldn't be going around in circles trying to figure out what advice you need.

 

This:

 

I ignored and put up with all the 'distant' treatments (as I saw them) and I didn't say a thing. I buried my feelings of hurt, isolation and loneliness.

 

Is as much about you ignoring the signs of someone that "just isn't that into you" as it is about his lack of communication. If you are feeling hurt, isolated and lonely, and a conversation with him doesn't change that, it's time to move on from the relationship just as you did. Trying to understand why it works between him and another woman won't help you be happy in the future... what you need to do instead is start being more "high value" in relationships... sit back, observe, watch what they do, and if it doesn't align with what you want in a relationship then move on. Don't try to fix or change them, and don't wait around for them to change. If you can't accept someone and be happy with who they are in the here and now, they aren't the one for you.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...