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Thread: Do they communicate better with other women

  1. #1
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    Do they communicate better with other women

    I've been giving all of my relationships a long hard think just recently and I'm actively working on improving my communication skills and I want to be better at my future relationships )I'm single btw.

    On reflection a vast majority of the men I've dated have been men who haven't said much which poses challenges for me. I am someone who likes to communicate and this is important to me to feel wanted etc.

    Not to say I'm good at communicating because I'm not sure I am, I tend to get emotional.

    Anyway, my query is. These men who I struggle to communicate with in terms of getting anything out of them in terms of how they feel, what they want etc. seem to have gone on and had relationships with other women or had a long term relationship of 10 years or more with someone else.

    This makes me feel like these women must know something I don't. I really, really tried with all of the men I've been with to make myself understood and failed. They generally shut down and didn't speak to me whenever there was any issue. So how do these other women manage it? Or do they just put up with it?

    Personally I hated the silent treatment and it made me feel so lonely and isolated that I ended the relationship but when I spoke to my friend she said that that was 'nothing' and that her and her bf are like this every week.

    Another issue is that one of my exes used to threaten to end things saying things like "I don't see a future with you'. Another reason why I ended it. I told my friend this and she said her bf says this a lot and she ignores it.

    Now I'm wondering if I don't have much tolerance. I have high expectations I know that.

    Is it too much to expect a man to communicate with me?

  2. #2
    Communication should come naturally, when you two feel close and relaxed, but it surely must be present in a relationship.
    Communication is really constructive when it is pursued in a certain manner and a good moment.
    From what you described I can't figured out how did you try to communicate with them and what was your attitude.
    Men in general are not as open as women, so if you try to push that and insist on him, you become annoying and that leads to an opposite expected result.
    If you notice he is not in the mood, don't try to put any pressure and better wait for the moment to exchange opinions, desires and preferences.
    If the other one is never willing to participate in an open discussion, then this is his problem.

  3. #3
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    Too vague to tell. You're not going to find very many men who are interested in regular, "deep" conversation. Particularly if the lady is getting especially emotional. But there are things you should be able to discuss without getting a silent treatment. For better or worse, men (and really pretty much all the women I'm close to) tend to be assertive when it comes to their emotional boundaries. My wife or I might have an issue with the other that's actually worth sitting down and discussing maybe once a year or every two years. Of course I'm all ears then. If it were once a week or even once a month, then I'd know it's simply going to happen again and that there essentially is no gain in putting the emotional energy into perpetual drama.

    Basically, nuance is a thing.

  4. #4
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    Okay --

    what do you mean when you want to know "how they feel and what they want". Are you hoping they open up to you when some major thing happens - a parent dies, etc, vs keeping it in or leaning on someone else, or are you taking the temperature of the relationship and want to constantly know how they feel or interpret any change in facial expression as something and you ask about it -- because the latter would be annoying.

    If you feel "the need to be heard" -what about counseling so you can work all that out - so that you can be present in a relationship - and it can be more of a give and take - when you "have a need to be heard" often that doesn't mean simply saying something and having the other person listen, but to hammer the point over someone until you are sure that they hear you and understand the exact way you want them to in the exact moment.

    or do you mean you date men who don't talk much -- not necessarily just about emotions.

    There are men out there who are very chatty - i have run into a lot of men that have PR or sales jobs that never STOP talking -- but it doesn't mean they will want long drawn out conversations about their day to day emotions.

    But perhaps its all none of the above - maybe you expect other people to think experiences and emotions are a far bigger deal than they do --- but you can talk about your feelings and perceptions without getting "emotional" and crying - you can talk about them in a calm manner -- but if you do you can't fault someone for immediately reacting the way you want. Its exhausting when someone always wants to pick apart emotions.

    I would not beat yourself up over a guy dating you and then dating someone else for 10 years. Some people aren't ready to date when they meet a particular person or not for the long term and people can be not right/right for eachother in a variety of ways.

    I don't think its a threat to tell someone you don't see a future --- i think actually its quite honest

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  6. #5
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    I have changed the way I communicate, I never used to be direct and nothing was ever said. After several unsuccessful relationships like that I now tend to be more direct. Basically these men I've been with have not wanted to communicate and yes it was a key factor in them ending.

    I do think that I could learn ways of encouraging men to be more open with me however but I do also think that these men don't communicate with other women as well and that some just put up with it.

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    I'm feel emotions but they are continually expressed no.

    The guy who said he didn't see a future with me, was quite sulky and when I suggested if that was the case we end it I realised it was said for drama. I explained that this was a hurtful comment and that I would like him to explain further so we could discuss it. He wasn't interested so I dumped him.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by shineyboot
    I'm feel emotions but they are continually expressed no.

    The guy who said he didn't see a future with me, was quite sulky and when I suggested if that was the case we end it I realised it was said for drama. I explained that this was a hurtful comment and that I would like him to explain further so we could discuss it. He wasn't interested so I dumped him.
    Okay -- if someone doesn't see a future with you, that's it. you should not focus on "ouch, that hurt" but maybe that the guy is serious - he couldn't take the drama anymore but instead of accepting the breakup - you want to analyze it . Be honest - you did not rbeak up because he didn't want to discuss it - you broke up because he couldn't take your drama. If you want to decide you were the dumper and it was the guys fault for not discussing his emotions, maybe you need to look on the other side of the coin - HE is the one who said it was over. How can you operate in a relationship less dramatically?

  9. #8
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    Yes I'm emotional in that I feel them, I'm sensitive if someone walks ahead of me or doesn't sit next to me on the sofa I will interpret that as distance. Others don't.

    I am sensitive to others and pick up on any moodiness, which there was plenty of with some of these men. I then often asked them if they were okay and the answer would be 'fine'. I never got to the bottom of anything. There was always a horrible feeling in the air like I had done something wrong, or something was wrong but nothing was said.

    I like things out in the open and feel I haven't got that in the past. Maybe this is what a women has to put up with, in some men.

  10. #9
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    The only time there was 'drama' was when I dumped him. We never spoke, so how the relationship could be seen as full of 'drama' is a joke.

  11. #10
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    After he said he 'didn't see a future' I suggested we end it. He then told me that he didn't mean what he said. I had enough of his 'drama' with the sulkiness and silent treatment.

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