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Thread: Bad Endings

  1. #1
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    Bad Endings

    I am at risk of over-posting with my issues but I truly value all the feedback on this forum. I have noticed that I seem to have a theme in my love life of 'bad endings' and I would like to change this in the future.

    Bad endings that leave me feeling regretful, sad and shameful and plain embarrassed. Generally the theme is that I say too much, get emotional and don't just leave things, liking as I do to have the last word. Generally speaking I'm a very calm, polite person but when it comes to break ups...

    I seem to find it very hard to do this. I spoke with a friend who is quite passive as a person and says that she hasn't had endings like this, her relationships just 'fade' or it is agreed that they part and it is mutual.

    I really wish I could be more mature and measured. Later on I would like to say sorry for being emotional but I am usually blocked and the exes want nothing to do with me and maybe this is for the best on both sides. I know I wouldn't be able to cope with being friends with exes like some are.

    I am working on hard on just walking away with dignity without losing my cool. I seem to have a need to make people understand who don't want to listen and block me and are happy to never see or speak to me again without knowing why.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered that it's all about being able to let go? Just consider a bad relationship like bad milk that is past the expiration date. You wouldn't keep consuming more of it and risk get sick, right? You would simply dump it down the drain and get a fresh carton, no? So it's like that. When it's expired and could make you sick, you get rid of it.

  3. #3
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    Yes I agree but if I hadn't sent hundreds of texts and given out insults I might feel less shameful.

  4. #4
    Member FleurDeLys's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiseman2 that you might need to learn to let go. As for exs blocking you without saying why, some people like to do that once it's over so they can move on as opposed to keep clinging onto something that's already broken (the relationship). Once a relationship is over, I personally find it counter productive to keep in touch with exs, in most situations.

    It's likely going to just bring more unnecessary drama. The fact that you get very emotional and liking to have the last word could also be a reason why they block you. It's also extremely draining to deal with an ex who won't let you be once it's over and like to have the last word. Ask yourself why you feel so compelled to have the last word? Is it because maybe part of you wish to win them back and are unable to let go of the past? Are you trying to prove yourself something? Why do you still want to talk so bad to your ex about negative emotions when the relationship wasn't making both or one of you happy?

    Here, I think you need to understand that just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it's a reflection of your self-worth. Rather than get emotional, take a step back, reflect on why the relationship ended and learn the lessons that are to be learned, even it's not necessarily your fault it wend bad. For instance, if a relationship ended up because of opposite views on values one party considered very important, maybe learn from this that next time it might be best to take a bit more time in the dating phase and really getting to know the person before jumping straight into serious things. Basically, see relationships and life lessons and catharisis for self-growth, both bad and good relationships, rather than a reflection of your self-worth. There are plenty of people out there to meet.

    Here, I think you really need to reflect on why it's so hard for you to let go, why do you always need to have the last word, why is it that once it's over you still cling onto your exs. Are you insecure in relationships or in life in general? When a relationship end do you feel as though it'll be hard for you to find new partners? Are you generally someone who tends to stay in the past rather see the future? Try to ask yourself those questions to determine what is the real source of the problem so you can start to work on it, in the future.

    Good part here is that you've already acknowledged there are things you need to work in the future, so that's already one step towards improvement and maturity.

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  6. #5
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    I don't send them messages because I don't want things to end. It is often because I've had enough, I tell them exactly what I think of them and reasons why I am dumping them. Of course I get blocked.

    I don't want them back, my only regret is my behaviour.

  7. #6
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    I often think it is because I have so little going on friends-wise, that it is difficult to let go. However my personality is one of a dweller, I'm not negative but like to think deeply about everything.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by shineyboot
    Yes I agree but if I hadn't sent hundreds of texts and given out insults I might feel less shameful.
    This is more about learning to control your emotions and express yourself maturely.

  9. #8
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    Yes I agree MissCanuck, it is all about that. Something I struggle with.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. Start right here and let go of this regret. It's over and can't be undone. However the good news is you can choose from now forward to let things go. Letting go is a learned art. Try some books on letting go. Even some spiritual teachings emphasis this, such as Zen Buddhism, Ecclesiastes, etc. because of the peace found in it once this art is mastered. You will have to learn this because life is full of losses.
    Originally Posted by shineyboot
    but if ......

  11. #10
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    I can let go - there have been several in the past I've found hard to let go off but have eventually.

    I'm still left with many questions unanswered that is my problem.

    I understand that it doesn't matter but I like to understand.

    Like why don't some people want to engage to discuss the endings? Is it because they don't want to look at themselves and their behaviour? Aren't they left with questions like me?

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