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Thread: Boyfriend doesn't want to help me with my abuse.

  1. #1

    Boyfriend doesn't want to help me with my abuse.

    Hi Guys I wanted your opinion on something...

    I live with my ex partner and I am dating someone new who my ex is aware of, but despises. My ex has turned jealous and tries to get me to sleep with him and when I say no he turns violent and starts to punch and kick me. I told my new partner (lets call him Sam) of this and he never seems phased by this. He doesn't show any signs of anger and when I asked him if he cared about me and why it didn't anger him he said it does, but he just doesn't show it. Over the last couple of months Sam and I have been having a handful of arguments about this very issue. He does comfort me when I am upset, after my ex hits me, but he has not once taken any physical action to remove me from the house or even call the police.

    I know I am also responsible for my own safety but the reason I stay for the time being is because of my job. I am waiting to finish working my 3 month notice and I do not have another job lined up. My ex has also threatened me that if I left he would sent my nude pictures to my parents and I know I would never ever be able to face the world if he ever did that to me. I am scared to go to the police for this reason. My ex now understands I no longer love him and I am in love with Sam and has accepted that fact so he no longer tries to keep me in our house that we bought together. However, my issue is with Sam. He continuously denies he could have taken action and states that he always "knew" that I would lie to the police if he ever called them or not leave the house if he was to come and personally remove me from the house. I have told him that he could have not possibly known that because I never told him how I would have reacted and he never even bothered trying. I am now moving out away from my ex. But Sam has now broken up with me and is not talking to me because of this.

    Do you think Sam should have rang the police?

    Thank you for reading this.

    Last edited by KingKraken; 02-11-2019 at 11:04 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Are you kidding me? You live with an ex who is still abusing you? Call a crisis line, or friends or family and move out, or have him evicted. Save yourself. Forget about your naked pics, nobody cares anyway.

  3. #3
    HI, yes you are absolutely correct and I am moving out but I am hurt that my boyfriend hasnt done anything to help me,

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP, I have some harsh words for you....

    You really need to wake up! Dragging some new guy into this chaos, drama and abuse and expecting him to take action to save you is wrong on so many levels... and he was right to break things off with you. Taking physical action would be the WRONG thing for him to do... why should he jeopardize his life by potentially getting arrested for assault, or getting physically assaulted, for someone he barely knows?

    You have a warped idea of what to expect from a partner. Please sort your life out BEFORE you start dating again. For your own health, safety, self-worth and well being, for the love of all that is holy please get some PROFESSIONAL help dealing with your current situation... go to the police, find some family friends to help you, seek some therapy, and get away from this man!

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  6. #5
    By Physical action I mean like ringing the police or picking me up not confronting my ex.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You may not want to hear this, but it's not your boyfriend's problem. In fact, you are lucky to have somebody who will date you while you are in this temporary mess. You need to fix this as quickly as possible (now!), by you or the ex moving. I do sympathize, however.

  8. #7
    First of all you should legally solve the problem you have with your ex, as soon as possible,contacting police and any other close person to help you in this.

    Secondly, about what seems to be more important for you, well it is hard to say what attitude should Sam have adopted towards your problem.
    Maybe he was jealous over your ex and that was a serious issue for him that determined him to not get involved?
    Or maybe he was afraid of it?
    Anyway him remaining passive and unmoved by your problem, is absolutely not acceptable. He doesn't seem to have strong feelings for you and he treated you even less than a friend would do.
    He was not expected to take any physical action, but not expected to remain indifferent either.
    If he had really had feelings, he should have supported you all along and helped you as much as possible and remain next to you until you solve the problem with your ex.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I agree with the others. This was never Sam’s problem to deal with. Why would he help you when you clearly won’t even help yourself? I think Sam was right. Had he tried to help you, you would’ve excused away or covered everything up and he would’ve looked like an idiot.

    Other people are not going to fight your battles for you. Your ex is an abusive jerk, and there’s no excuse for that. But you are the only one who can end that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by KingKraken
    By Physical action I mean like ringing the police or picking me up not confronting my ex.
    Yes I understand what you mean and you are stick handling around the issue right now. I get that you want support getting out of there but you need to show the willingness and action to leave that situation. You are making a bunch of excuses for staying with this person that assaults you on a regular basis instead of making a plan to leave. It's like being with someone that is a using addict that keeps making excuses about why they need to keep using.

    Change starts with you and needs to come from you, and is based on action not just words.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    What do you expect him to do? Barge in and risk an assault charge KOing your ex-- assuming he wouldn't be the one who got knocked to the floor himself? This isn't a movie, and that's quite simply not how it works. It's one thing if Sam were over at your place and just watched as your ex beat the **** out of you for eating the wrong box of cereal. It's another if you expect him to be your personal Batman.

    And that's not without respect to your situation. Are there any shelters nearby? Have you looked into resources? It's not fair, but in lieu of your ex choosing to stop hitting you or you taking legal action against him, it is ultimately on you to get out of that situation. You're not going to find a knight in shining armor. Even if you were to, it would probably be a man you should be every bit as concerned about as your ex.

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