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Thread: Losing relationship over job search

  1. #11
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    Honestly, if i had a job and if someone kept bringing me ads for jobs they thought were better for me, i would be insulted. If it were a colleague and i said "keep your eyes open for a management position" -that is appreciated - but if a spouse or bf/gf kept shoving job opportuities in my face -- i would not get another job until i was good and ready -- i would cut it out. If you can't afford to be where you are at anymore, then tell him you are moving in with your parents because you can't afford the apartment and leave it at that. Don't push anything else on him. If he rises to the challenge after that, that's on him, if he doesn't its fine, too. I would plan to move out regardless of his decision.

  2. #12
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    Because it's infantilizing, controlling and micromanaging him for your own agenda. You are actually disrespecting his autonomy. Now, you don't like his inertia and financial circumstances, but you can't push and shove someone into being who you want them to be.
    Originally Posted by swift00
    I have told him before that since I feel so disrespected by him fighting my attempts to help, I'd like him to start finally splitting the rent with me even though he cannot afford it. I've said even if it has to come out of his savings. That got him really mad and he accused me of giving him an ultimatum. I didn't know what else to do to motivate him.

  3. #13
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    He is not going to "change".

    So, you have two options: continue on as you are (hopefully minus the mothering behaviors), or realize you two are not compatible and move to your parents'. The mythical third option where he "realizes" and starts behaving the way you prefer is a fantasy.

  4. #14
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    'just a deadline by which he needs to move out'

    Sometimes I don't believe things I read on here. He's mid -twenties right? Bloke's working. Paying part of the rent/bills, presumably shares day to day expenses. Rest of relationship is good. But no, let's just throw him out, after 6 good years together, because he's not looking for a 200K a year job. What next? 'He didn't take rubbish out three times now - do I throw him out?'

    OP, if you both have an option of going to live with your respective parents - until you improve your financial situation - I'd do just that. Not 'throw him out', not break up but civilly discuss how living together is probably not a good idea at present due to your health issues and him being underemployed. Please don't keep nagging him re: better jobs. He will get a better job when he's good and ready. The job I do - I could probably earn twice as much if I was prepared to commute 2 hours a day again/be on call 24/7 and suffer horrendous stress. I'm just NOT prepared to do any of this. I'd be completely mad /disappointed with my husband if he kept pushing me to 'go for more' no matter my feelings about it.

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by Metaltwin70
    'just a deadline by which he needs to move out'

    Sometimes I don't believe things I read on here. He's mid -twenties right? Bloke's working. Paying part of the rent/bills, presumably shares day to day expenses. Rest of relationship is good. But no, let's just throw him out, after 6 good years together, because he's not looking for a 200K a year job. What next? 'He didn't take rubbish out three times now - do I throw him out?'

    OP, if you both have an option of going to live with your respective parents - until you improve your financial situation - I'd do just that. Not 'throw him out', not break up but civilly discuss how living together is probably not a good idea at present due to your health issues and him being underemployed. Please don't keep nagging him re: better jobs. He will get a better job when he's good and ready. The job I do - I could probably earn twice as much if I was prepared to commute 2 hours a day again/be on call 24/7 and suffer horrendous stress. I'm just NOT prepared to do any of this. I'd be completely mad /disappointed with my husband if he kept pushing me to 'go for more' no matter my feelings about it.
    Heís 29, Iím 31. So we should definitely have our stuff together by now, and not be considering moving back in with our parents. But what can you do, Iíve done my best.
    What you said is what Iím going to do because it seems to be the only thing I really can do. But he wonít find a job when ďheís good and ready.Ē Thatís not the issue. The issue is heís been trying for a long time and canít. Then when my job became at risk I stepped in to help, which he still says he appreciates me doing, but he resists because he doesnít get the urgency and thinks he has all the time in the world so doesnít like me bringing it up as much as I do. Actually doesnít like me bringing it up at all, even though he says he wants the help.
    At this point Iím done even trying to figure it out. I should not keep torturing myself forcing myself to work because he canít support us, quit my job like I already should have and focus on my health. Guess I have to give up the hope that he would land a good job (not $200k, just talking about 50-70k here) that would enable us to keep living together when my job is gone
    Last edited by swift00; 02-12-2019 at 10:17 AM.

  7. #16
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    'I should not keep torturing myself forcing myself to work because he canít support us'

    Health issues aside.. this is a bit 1950 no? It's not his job to support the two of you. You should, in the ideal world, share everything equally and help the other out in tough stretches.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Metaltwin70
    You should, in the ideal world, share everything equally and help the other out in tough stretches.
    I agree. Problem is, her partner doesn't... and by all accounts, has no intention of doing so.

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by Metaltwin70
    'I should not keep torturing myself forcing myself to work because he canít support us'

    Health issues aside.. this is a bit 1950 no? It's not his job to support the two of you. You should, in the ideal world, share everything equally and help the other out in tough stretches.
    Not because I want to. Just to enable us to not lose our apartment until I can get approved for disability. Itís not like itís a choice Iím making to become disabled, and Iíve helped him for years now.

    Yes we should be sharing things equally and helping in tough stretches, which is what this is, and what heís not doing

  10. #19
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    First thing I would do is learn whether my parents would take me in, or not. If not, then I'd make an appointment with my local women's shelter to learn about options and resources available to me should I lose my job and need surgery, or whether they can help me to find resources to change jobs and living quarters.

    If parents will take me in, then I'd take financial reliance off the table between BF and me. I'd move out, tend to my surgery or job change--whatever it takes for me to get on my own two feet solo.

    From there, I'd learn whether BF and I will sink or swim as a couple without artificial dependencies.

    BF will either step up him game of survival on his own, or he'll find his way through his best possible options without you policing him.

    Nagging someone into compliance does not work, it only creates resistance as it erodes the relationship. That would not be an option for me. I'd figure out how to live on my own and allow BF to do the same, and this will either open fresh doors to a future together OR it will liberate me from codependency and open new doors for my own future.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by swift00
    But he wonít find a job when ďheís good and ready.Ē Thatís not the issue. The issue is heís been trying for a long time and canít. Then when my job became at risk I stepped in to help, which he still says he appreciates me doing, but he resists because he doesnít get the urgency and thinks he has all the time in the world so doesnít like me bringing it up as much as I do.
    Honestly, there was a period of time when I could not find a job. The old temp agencies, etc, that i worked with years ago even told me they are not accepting new people or booking people who have been inactive for a long period because there were just hardly any assignments. This surprised me because usually such agencies will take anyone who has the right qualifications for their agency who wants to sign up to have as large of a pool of talent as they can (because after all, not every person is available the moment a job comes in, and they want to have choices to send a client company). Lots of people were out of work, so even any job waiting tables part time was also taken.

    Depending on location and his field, he may very well have had to take a job he was overqualified for - which he has - there are all sorts of non compete agreements you sometimes have to wait out -- or occasionally there are situations where its best to leave before you are let go.

    in my situation now, i became self employed when i could not find work -- and recently, i have reentered the traditional job market just part time to make it easier for me - to have a recent reference, etc, should i try to enter it back in full force. I am biding my time on it and will decide what to do next year on that front. I also did it to get my foot in the door with the company especially since i never have worked in this geographic area.

    your job is still going on. Are you living in an expensive place, or not, and can you cut expenses? Do you have any emergency savings? If you want to move in with parents - do it -- but like what was said above, make sure they will receive you. Also, you say you should have your stuff together by now - well that includes you having an emergency fund at this age to carry you a couple months should you lose your job.


    Also, you have to decide what the relationship is. If you don't see yourself marrying this guy, maybe cut bait and go back with mom and dad. but what if you didn't have mom and dad or him - what would you do? Move into a studio apartment or room for rent?

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