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Married 2 years now...wife's immediate family drives me nutts anymore


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My (now wife - since havent posted in a long, long time) and I have been together now 11 years - married 2.

 

She and I are really a nice, married couple - when its just her and I - living together in our house, and making decisions together.

 

My wife is now pregnant and is due in June (this is just back story, and not related as much to my gripes below).

 

My gripes: her family: they live about 1.5h from us - my wife tends to see them every few weeks or 1x a month.

 

I see them when I really, really have to. I personally try to limit interaction with them anymore. They've been putting me down for like 10 years now, and I've had enough. I used to play it "cool as a cucumber" with them, but personally i've had enough.

 

I've talked with my wife about how I cannot tolerate especially her one brother (middle child) who is bothering me so much now, that when he says something to me I just curse at him. Its getting to the point where if I'm around him, it might turn physical. My wife just doesnt really see how how her brother talks to me is downright rude and uncalled for, and deserves really a punch in the face.

 

Some examples of things he's recently said to me:

- I just spent the past week painting the upcoming babies room - majority of weekend too. I sit down to relax for literally maybe an hour or two to enjoy a sporting event, and my wife gets facetime call from the mother/brother (right after she just got home from spending most of the weekend with them) - what does he say to me? "a_lifters_life get back to work!" . - I say " shut the f*** up" .

 

- About 2 weekends ago, my wife's family comes to visit us and we go out to lunch. Now, my wife has 2 brothers, who each have 2 girls - 4 girls total (age 2-5). This middle brother says at lunch "Oh is going to have it rough around 4 girls" . My reply: "Um, no, hes not".

 

I could go on, and on, but these little "jabs" at me have been going on for quite some time.

 

I feel like they'll only continue, but around my kid - I cant be cursing like I do now. I definitely cannot get physical around my kid with him (if i have to).

 

Yesterday during the face time call, her mom asked for her to take a picture of the painting that I had done. (Shes a painter herself) so I took this as she wants to evaluate and critique it. (Shes one to critique almost anything, and everything). This kind of stuff bothers me, because my wife wont be like - mom, you can see this when you come to visit us. Its like she is a lot like her son or vice versa - has their hands and ears in everyone's business, but all their stuff is held "top secret".

 

Its really just aggravating to see my wife's family, because its never like regular conversation like "a_lifters_life - how are you doing? How's the job? yadda yadda yadda . Its something to put me down.

 

Now, when i see her extended family for instance - her one aunt who is pretty close, the conversation is regular, and its not a "pissing contest" or "put down fest on a_lifters_life.. life"

 

Just at a bit of a loss here.. How would you or have you handled a situation like this.

 

Thanks ENA!

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I understand you're not liking the "get back to work" jab, but not the other two.

 

Well it's obvious you don't like your wife's family and maybe they don't like you.

 

The answer is easy - just stay away from them. Don't go to visit, don't have them over, or you go someplace else when they come to visit, and establish private facetime rules for your wife and family in a room your not in or when you are not there.

 

If the family starts treating you better, perhaps at that time you can make amends.

 

There is an old saying - choose your friends wisely. You get to choose your friends and who you spend time with (they are not your family).

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Family jokes? Im sure none of it is a joke.

 

mustlovedogs - your post adds 0 support or anything useful to my question , and only adds fuel to an already blazing fire.

 

It’s your blazing fire. You need to step back and try and chill a little bit. I don’t see any egregious offenses, except for you swearing at relatives.

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It’s your blazing fire. You need to step back and try and chill a little bit. I don’t see any egregious offenses, except for you swearing at relatives.

 

Ok, this reply is more objective. I appreciate your opinion. The unfortunate problem is this is a reoccurring problem every 2 weeks-1 month; sometimes weekly on facetime.

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OK, dude, your communication style with your family is to lead with your chin, and their's is to hit it.

 

Your BIL likes to needle you. Why do you think that is? Besides he being a jerk. He may well be one.

 

If you ever spent time in a high school locker room or on a sports team, then you know that that kind of talking smack is considered normal and just in fun. Yes, it is not your cup of tea, but it is your BIL's.

 

So what do you do?

 

Stew about every sentence spoken to you by the relatives. Find the one way to have hurt feelings, then stack on more with every interaction.

 

OR, OR, OR,

 

Look for a way to not be butt hurt over comments.

 

When your relative says it will be hard having 4 female cousins, why not flip it back at him in a good-natured way? Something like "yeah, they're your kids so I know it'll be hell?!"

 

Everyone laughs and you get on with it.

 

Seriously, some people just poke fun and that is all it is.

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You are reaching pretty far here literally looking to be wounded where most people would either laugh and respond with a witty remark or wouldn't react at all because they wouldn't read an insult into that kind of a comment.

 

"get to work you lazy bum" "Oh yeah, be right on it, now bring me a beer." would be a more common exchange than your rage and opting to take it like it's some kind of real insult and implication that you are actually lazy. It's really hard to understand your perspective and anger. Cussing them out? Really? You are in the wrong here more than they are.

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You are reaching pretty far here literally looking to be wounded where most people would either laugh and respond with a witty remark or wouldn't react at all because they wouldn't read an insult into that kind of a comment.

 

"get to work you lazy bum" "Oh yeah, be right on it, now bring me a beer." would be a more common exchange than your rage and opting to take it like it's some kind of real insult and implication that you are actually lazy. It's really hard to understand your perspective and anger. Cussing them out? Really? You are in the wrong here more than they are.

 

Nah, its not that i perceive it as me being lazy, but that fact its really non of his business what im doing, nevermind the audacity to say that. Its like, what the purpose?

 

Its not that my feelings are hurt... its that its extremely aggravating to have to deal with it in person, nevermind, in my own house while im trying to enjoy a game and a short break.

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You are reaching pretty far here literally looking to be wounded where most people would either laugh and respond with a witty remark or wouldn't react at all because they wouldn't read an insult into that kind of a comment.

 

"get to work you lazy bum" "Oh yeah, be right on it, now bring me a beer." would be a more common exchange than your rage and opting to take it like it's some kind of real insult and implication that you are actually lazy. It's really hard to understand your perspective and anger. Cussing them out? Really? You are in the wrong here more than they are.

 

Nah, its not that i perceive it as me being lazy, but that fact its really non of his business what im doing, nevermind the audacity to say that. Its like, what the purpose?

 

Its not that my feelings are hurt... its that its extremely aggravating to have to deal with it in person, nevermind, in my own house while im trying to enjoy a game and a short break.

 

I would have taken the commentary as a compliment for working hard on a Saturday. But that's just me.

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I would have taken the commentary as a compliment for working hard on a Saturday. But that's just me.

 

It depends solely on the tone, and who it is coming from. For instance, if my dad or brother said that to me itd be different story, but from HER brother, its a different story. We dont have that type of "BRO" relationship. Its nothing more than a IN-LAW without much close relationship at all.

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4 girls total (age 2-5). This middle brother says at lunch "Oh is going to have it rough around 4 girls" . My reply: "Um, no, hes not".

 

please. my mother's family is a predominently male family -- as in there are 2 women and 5 men in the "aunts and uncles" department (plus their spouses), 3 female grandchildren, 7 male and 5 great grandchildren -- all boys. My cousin is having a little girl and people are so excited that its finally a girl, but some say "oh, she will have great grandpa wrapped around her finger" "the boys *do* need someone to be the boss" "she better like bugs instead of princesses to keep up with this family!" "she is going to have to be a toughie to keep up with all the boys". I mean -- so what... you are FAR too sensitive

 

If MIL is a professional painter - take her critique with grace. Just like i take the professional carpenter in the family's opinion when i try to make a picture frame.

Come up with a funny comeback as far as the boy comments/girl comments "well - they do say a boy is a noise with dirt on it - i hope the girls can keep up!" Or "great, 4 instant babysitters..." THey will ADORE this little baby if you let them. Not to be sexist, but my girl cousins were way more fascinated and wanted to wait on the babies hand and foot where the boys were not interested until the baby could play with them.

 

As far as the F off comments, you come off as a roid rage guy!!

i mean, seriously??

 

 

take a deep breath. Maybe the brother KNOWs he gets your goat. Don't isolate your wife from her family - find a way to get along.

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I would have taken the commentary as a compliment for working hard on a Saturday. But that's just me.

 

It depends solely on the tone, and who it is coming from. For instance, if my dad or brother said that to me itd be different story, but from HER brother, its a different story. We dont have that type of "BRO" relationship. Its nothing more than a IN-LAW without much close relationship at all.

 

You do not have to be close to the guy to not take such a comment as hostility.

 

It's really up to you to react in any way you want to. You are not locked into being pissed off about everything.

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You do not have to be close to the guy to not take such a comment as hostility.

 

It's really up to you to react in any way you want to. You are not locked into being pissed off about everything.

 

I do though. Its tough to change my reaction to someone i despise... There isnt one thing I can point to and say this is something i see as positive about him. Hes a complete know it all, stuck-up, hypocrite.

 

Like I said, if it was someone i respect - yeah totally different, but someone you dont respect - its tough not to get defensive, and now furious like i do.

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So, figure this out. He's your wife's brother. He likely will be in your life for decades unless you leave her.

 

You get furious about snotty little comments. He enjoys making them.

 

It is good you seek to vent here. However, I think you ought to look for a counselor who specializes in anger management.

 

The only person you can change is yourself. BIL? Not so much.

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Hmm, i mean, its not just about one thing though. Its about all aspects of life.. Ive tried straight out ignoring him, telling him off, but neither work. He appears content either way in doing it. So, its time for me to change the way i act and increase the intensity.

 

Actually what we keep telling you is that you need to decrease your intensity and work on your anger issues. You are way over the top here and in the wrong. But it seems that you are fixated on hatred, determined to collect wounds and keep hating more. What are you thinking here? Do you want to end up punching him in the nose, end up in jail and then divorced too? Btw, any judge you come in front of will court order anger management counseling for you whether you like it or not. You are out of control and completely off base.

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Actually what we keep telling you is that you need to decrease your intensity and work on your anger issues. You are way over the top here and in the wrong. But it seems that you are fixated on hatred, determined to collect wounds and keep hating more. What are you thinking here? Do you want to end up punching him in the nose, end up in jail and then divorced too? Btw, any judge you come in front of will court order anger management counseling for you whether you like it or not. You are out of control and completely off base.

 

I get that, and what im telling you is ive seen someone before - and they didnt help.

 

What im asking from the forum is ways to address this issue when it next arises. One is to not see them ever again, but causes its own issues with my wife.

 

What are some others?

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