Jump to content

Date who talks too much about himself... Should I give him another shot?


FleurDeLys

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

I'd like some advise on a dating situation I'm currently encountering. So couple of a weeks ago, I met this guy online. We clicked pretty well, had good conversations so we decided to meet up for a date. The date went well, except that I thought he talked a little too much, but since it was relatively short, we decided on a second date for lunch time. But again, he talked a lot about himself, and more specifically about his life accomplishments, told very personal details of his life (not necessarily a deal breaker to me, depending how the chemistry, what's and how it's shared, but in this case it was a bit too much).

 

After a while, he ended up asking me what were passions in life, when I told him which music genre I was into and he went into telling how he was working on a similar music project at the moment and that he'd showed me when it would be ready, or when told me he loved thrillers when I told him I like to write, instead of asking me how long I've been writing, what authors I liked myself. Basically, turning conversation back to himself. After this date, I ended up feeling incredibly drained.

 

I'm not sure how to on about this, because we seem otherwise share values that are important to me, judging from what he's told me. And seems to have a relatively stable life and willing to commit. I've been on dates with guys who were complete narcissists and they were usually very childish, impulsive and didn't like to be contradicted, but it's not the case for him. He looked up and a booked a vegetarian restaurant for our second date (I'm vegetarian, he's not), he offered to get tickets through a connection to go see my favourite DJ in the future (albeit he's not a fan at all himself)... So there seems to be efforts on his part to try to share in my interests. Though, I feel like it might stem more from a desire to please and impress.

 

As for me, I'm not really someone who likes to dominate the conversation with talks about myself when I'm around people I'm not familiar with, or talk for the sake of talking. And it can be challenging for me around people who talk too much, because I tend to feel so drained after listening to long soliloquy that I no longer have energy to talk. I like meaningful exchanges.

 

So at this point, I'm wondering whether I should call it quits with this guy or give it another shot, be more assertive, or make him understand in a gentle manner that he talks too much about himself and needs to show more interest in me, if he wants to keep mine. As I'm unable to really determine whether he's just another person looking for a partner to boost his ego or if it's a matter of inexperienced in dating and being a good conversationalist.

 

I don't know if anyone has been in this situation before. Would appreciate any input :). Thanks!

Link to comment

Move on. You don’t like him very much. Lol! You think he talks too much...

 

Unless you are the type of person to disqualify people for the tiniest things (too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, not enough hair, not fashionable, chews loudly, etc) and this is an overall problem for you - I would not give this one a second thought. You just don’t like him all that much.

 

For what it’s worth, I agree, he sounds well-intentionned but exhausting. Lol!

Link to comment

When I was about eighteen, I had a short-lived relationship with a guy who was very physically attractive and initially very good company. However, he underwent some kind of transformation, and started reeling out piles of b******t, talking about his ego all the time... I think he described it as 'finding himself'. (This was at the tail end of the hippie era). I ended it because I wanted a relationship with someone where communication was two-way.

 

More recently, decades later, he got back in touch with me. I was initially very pleased to hear from him, but around five minutes into a phone conversation I was reminded why I'd finished with him in the first place. Non-stop talking about himself, very repetitive, talking across me constantly and coming out with piles of, well, yeah.

 

I take the view that you have to accept people as they are, not how you'd like them to be. And if someone has no interest in finding about you other than as a stimulus to their own blather, that's not a good match - no matter how generous they may be in other ways.

Link to comment

A major concern is that you could be willing to settle for simple gestures to "impress" you - picking a veggie place, favorite DJ - while potentially ignoring the most important thing - he has spent so much time talking about himself that he is not showing that he cares about learning about you as a person by shutting himself up long enough to listen to you. Regardless of any excuse that can be made for his behavior, it is a major flaw and disrespectful towards you. It is not worth the effort to feel drained by verbiage already by the second date. You seem aware of that and hopefully you will continue to search for others on the dating app.

Link to comment

Sometimes you can train guys with basic skills. But you can't train basic social skills as a potential girlfriend, it's two different roles.

 

Women like to talk more than men - a smart guy with social skills who understands women knows this.

 

Things will work out the way they were meant to, you'll figure it out. If it turns you off too much you won't go out with him again.

Link to comment

I think if you liked him, meaning you felt that certain "click," energy/chemistry, this would not have bothered you.

 

Men like to talk about themselves, it may not be a conscious thing, but they're qualifying themselves in a sense; you should feel flattered, it means they like you.

 

Certainly better than him sitting there not saying anything and leaving all the "work" (talking/engaging) to you.

 

I've experienced that and arghh! That is a turn off!

 

I do get you though -- ask me questions!

 

Learn the art of politely interrupting him at the right time, to interject your thoughts -- it works!

 

That said, in this case, drop him, you don't like him, that's pretty obvious.

 

You don't need a reason..

Link to comment

After this date, I ended up feeling incredibly drained.

 

When a date makes you feel like that and it's such early going, that's your big giant flashing neon clue that you need to stop with this guy and just keep on looking.

He might be a small step up from other crummy dates, but he is still not a match and tempting as it might be, please just keep going and keep looking. Don't settle just because he is less bad some of the worst dates.

Link to comment

I would give him one more chance and chalk it up to nerves. While on the date I would politely interrupt or wait for him to catch his breath and say lightheartedly -"can I do your part of the conversation?" If he says yes say "so, how was your day?" or something like that -keep it light and see if he catches on.

Link to comment

I understand wholeheartedly about feeling drained due to someone who rattles on. I personally don't think that will change. He is someone who enjoys talking and talking and needs someone who can either keep up or genuinely likes hearing him go on and on.

 

I wouldn't have the energy nor patience with it.

 

I think it would be in your best interest to tell him that you've enjoyed your time together but that you don't think it's going to work out.

Link to comment
I understand wholeheartedly about feeling drained due to someone who rattles on. I personally don't think that will change. He is someone who enjoys talking and talking and needs someone who can either keep up or genuinely likes hearing him go on and on.

 

I wouldn't have the energy nor patience with it.

 

I think it would be in your best interest to tell him that you've enjoyed your time together but that you don't think it's going to work out.

 

I second this. Reciprocal communication and meaningful conversation... not just someone talking at me for an hour... is essential to me. I am an introvert and need to be with someone that is comfortable listening as much as they are talking, or just sitting in silence once in awhile.

Link to comment

Nerves or not, second date he should be genuinely interested in knowing something about you. I mean, why date someone you dont even know? - unless you just want a sounding board, or just someone who's breathing.

 

Having said that, it may be nerves.

If you're not convinced, give it one more try and make an effort to interject and see what you get in return.

 

I learned early on it's not the best move to tell them to change a behavior. Early dating is an important opportunity to evaluate. Tell him to curtail something this important he may hide it from you only to go back to what seems natural to him in the end.

 

At some point monopolizing a conversation is just plain rude. Better to know now.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment

I also agree with one more date...or not...but I think my motivation for one more date would be more for ME to determine if this situation could improve. When he stops, you pick up where you left off. "As I was saying with that concert..." "When the dog jumped off the table and started licking the cat..."

 

I've been seeing a guy whose life has shifted into retirement. I'm on the phone and customer service all day. I talk all day. I take care of people all day. I need the silence. He, on the other hand, no longer has that constant barrage of people. He's much more social and extroverted as well. He needs the conversation. I've had to make that effort to engage more...and I enjoy it...and eventually we settle into that movie and snuggling. He will interrupt and at times he wants to teach and solve and I have to remind him I'm not asking advice, just talking. Now me and this guy? It's really not going anywhere, but it's good for me to work on my own interpersonal skills because I do have a tendency to need to shut down, and relationships don't get nurtured when you crawl under a rock the second you get to punch out, whether it's platonic friends or a romantic relationship. There is a balancing act one needs to learn to employ.

 

I wonder if it's nerves or the need to impress or sheer discomfort if there is any gap in conversation, so he fills it...and he fills it with trying to impress you instead of learning about you. Certainly don't prolong this. You seem to be leaning in the direction of not compatible, and maybe a little gun-shy with past mistakes, and you don't know if it's a red flag or you being hypersensitive. You can choose one more date or call it off now...either way.

 

I feel your exhaustion in these situations. Opposites of this nature can work..one talks, one listens, but the other has to listen too...and learn silence.

 

My personal choice would be one more, and assert myself a little more..I don't make the best choices in dating, so take it with a grain of salt. :friendly_wink:

Link to comment
or make him understand in a gentle manner that he talks too much about himself and needs to show more interest in me, if he wants to keep mine. As I'm unable to really determine whether he's just another person looking for a partner to boost his ego or if it's a matter of inexperienced in dating and being a good conversationalist.

 

I don't know if anyone has been in this situation before. Would appreciate any input :). Thanks!

 

You can't make people understand. You can share knowledge and hope they get it. But attempts to make people do anything will almost certainly fail.

 

I think you've created a false dichotomy. There may be lots of overlapping reasons that he talks about himself. He does seem to lack some fundamental understanding of listening and responding. He's not listening to understand what you are saying, he's listening to fashion responses. Unfortunately this is all too common. It's everywhere. Few people are mindful of it. He could be very self centred and think the world revolved around him. He could just be really enthusiastic and trying to demonstrate how compatible you two are. At the end of the day what's important is it's a behaviour you don't like. It may change if he's just too excited and nervous. He may get hit with the epiphany most people want to share the conversation. But it's unlikely.

 

Reminds me of a time I was sitting in a bar watching a couple at the end of the bar. They were at the right angle of the bar, so they could face each other. It looked obvious it was a first date. It started out well. She was leaning forward, smiling and engaged. Then I noticed the guy was doing all the talking. He wouldn't pause. The woman couldn't get a word in. I wanted to tell buddy to shut up and let the girl talk. Her body language started to change. She physically backed up in her bar stool. She started looking around the room. Then she starting looking at her watch, never a good sign. She was only politely nodding at this point. He was entirely oblivious. Just kept talking and talking and talking. Finally she excused herself to the washroom. I met a bet to myself that when she came back she would get a text and have to leave. Yeah, I was right. As she was hurrying out the door he called out "I'll give you a call". She didn't respond, just kept going. Hopefully your date isn't this bad :)

Link to comment

Input on this kind of stuff will always be a mixed bag. While this doesn't mean that feedback from others isn't useful, it's just more helpful when I can get clear with myself, first, as to how I want to use it: am I seeking encouragement to walk away or to invest in one more date?

 

The only 'real' way I can get that clarity is to quiet the noise instead of generating more of it. When I relax into a place that borders on sleep, and then I introduce a picture of a person in my mind, I can just 'be' with that image without projecting all kinds of 'stuff' all over it. From there I place my focus on my heart, and I expand my heart energy outward toward my image of the person.

 

When I just relax with that, I can Pay Attention to my impressions. It may sound like a loving heart might generate an overwriting energy that blocks out red flags that should be heeded, but the heart is a central stimulator of all other senses, and with practice, this can raise intuition rather than block it. So I allow myself to follow the course of this mediation through ALL layers of impressions that come to me--without drawing conclusions. When I complete this course until my impressions fade or I fall asleep or I'm interrupted or I pop into alertness, I focus AWAY from outcomes or answers and allow for background processing to do its job.

 

I either move back into conscious living and go about my business, or I move into a restful sleep, and I trust that the 'right' answers for me are being generated without my front mind participating at this time. (BTW--this also works to generate answers about work or life events, decisions about purchases, finding lost objects--you name it.)

 

Later, whenever my answer spontaneously occurs, I either have confidence in my decision, OR I've raised some great qualifying questions to explore. I consider this an active way to participate in the old adage to "sleep on it". Sure, just going to sleep can produce the right kind of background processing to generate clarity without noise, but actively placing a focus on my question before releasing it to this process gains me a trust in my 'intent'.

 

Your answer lies within your own intuitive feelings about the guy despite HIS noise or anyone else's. Allowing yourself to move all else out of your way will produce the real 'right' answer for you.

Link to comment

Cat, I admire you so much, you are always so rational and logical in how you approach things -- dating, relationships, love, life!

 

This is how I strive to be too, a bit of a challenge at times, esp re love.

 

To be rational and logical, when inside I'm feeling so, well, emotional! :)

 

This isn't my thread, but how do you do it? Have you always been this way or can it be learned?

 

Your answer may help others too, including OP.

Link to comment

Sportster, that’s a great observation of that couple in the bar. It’s happebed to me many times, with female friendships too.

 

When one person talks “at you”, rather than “with you”, it’s a sign that that’s who they are.

 

People who only ask questions so they can answer that same question.

You get one sentence in to answer, and they spend the next 30 minutes on every bit of minutiae regarding their experience with the question they just asked you.

 

It’s exhausting. I give up with people like this.

Link to comment

Catfeeder gives great advice.

 

I have an experience wherein I kept seeing a loud talker who talked about himself too much on our first dates. Other traits compelled me to continue dating (we didn't even share a peck of a kiss till #7 or #8). Around #4 I brought a game with me, and suggested we play it while we had drinks. Success! An all time best date. Said man turned out to be very quiet and peaceful in my company, and he makes an attentive and supportive partner.

 

His social self never sat right with me though. He and his wife enjoy a private life that departs from their public personae; I don't like that. We weren't well matched, for a reason that was evident on date #1.

 

POINT being: As Cat says, only you know what path is right for you. Not all paths lead to marriage/similar yet many are valuable for their other gifts.

Link to comment
Sportster, that’s a great observation of that couple in the bar. It’s happebed to me many times, with female friendships too.

 

When one person talks “at you”, rather than “with you”, it’s a sign that that’s who they are.

 

People who only ask questions so they can answer that same question.

You get one sentence in to answer, and they spend the next 30 minutes on every bit of minutiae regarding their experience with the question they just asked you.

 

It’s exhausting. I give up with people like this.

 

So in that case I think it depends. If you give the person the benefit of the doubt as to intentions then sometimes the question which the questioner thinks will evoke a longer response doesn't. When that happens to me I typically wait to see if the person will ask me the same in return, with interest - I would feel odd sharing my answer unless from the beginning we knew we were going to trade stories about the general topic so it was implied that we didn't each have to ask. I do wonder sometimes if we presume a bad intention and then let it color our perspective too much. Your example sounds extreme though!

Link to comment

I've had those experiences more than once. I imagine if I were to unscrew my head and replace it with someone else, would they even care.

I ask myself this question in these moments and if I sense the answer is yes, it's my queue to bow out.

Some people are just looking for someone breathing. Who they essentially are doesn't really matter.

Link to comment
I've had those experiences more than once. I imagine if I were to unscrew my head and replace it with someone else, would they even care.

I ask myself this question in these moments and if I sense the answer is yes, it's my queue to bow out.

Some people are just looking for someone breathing. Who they essentially are doesn't really matter.

 

When I have had that sort of feeling, then absolutely without question I never date that person again. I ended my marriage on just that sort of feeling. If I think I am replaceable in your eyes, then I think you don't see me, the essential individual collection of details that form "me". Certainly I have been on dates with men for whom I felt I checked a series of boxes, who were eligible candidates and we seemed to be affable at least... but if they seemed unlikely or disinterested in seeing me from the inside out, then I disengaged as fast as possible.

 

In the example of my experience (prior post), he talked about his accomplishments without end, and it was really quite boorish. Yet we sometimes did exchange viewpoints on values and perspectives. Also, while his voice was an imposition on my space, his physical presence was not. He was careful to leave a little bubble around me at all times, even 6 dates in, until I finally pecked him on the cheek. Even then he was grateful and physically reserved, wanting to make sure he was respecting my space and pace.

 

It is the whole of a person that informs, not just the one trait.

Link to comment
Cat, I admire you so much, you are always so rational and logical in how you approach things -- dating, relationships, love, life!

 

This is how I strive to be too, a bit of a challenge at times, esp re love.

 

To be rational and logical, when inside I'm feeling so, well, emotional! :)

 

This isn't my thread, but how do you do it? Have you always been this way or can it be learned?

 

Your answer may help others too, including OP.

 

Awww, you are a luv, Katrina, thank you. I'll address this in terms of why I suggested meditative inquiry for OP. In short, because meditation cuts through distractions and brings us back--always--to What We Want.

 

I have an Aunt who studied meditation and started working with me in my early 20's. We began with a focus on the heart, because this central 'energy center' opens all others in the body naturally.

 

Logic and rationality don't come from squelching emotions, but rather they work in concert with our emotions to clarify our ultimate intent. Once you can get clear about What You WANT, then logic and rationality are direct paths to that, and everything else is just the noise of distraction.

 

So in every instance, the first question to ask is never, "What is my problem, and what are my barriers to resolving it?" This misses the whole point of why I 'must' consider a problem in the first place. Instead, start every equation with, "What do I want?" ...and don't try to answer this impulsively with your first reaction--which is usually to get someone ELSE to behave differently. Skip that, focus your 'real' question, and then practice non-forceful ways to encourage your own Highest Intelligence to present your answers to you.

 

When I can gain clarity about What I Want, it's sooo much easier to work backwards from THAT. We also become good at identifying what 'does-or-can' align with that versus what 'does-not-or-can-not' align with that.

 

Some helpful tools include thinking along a gradient scale of 1 thru 10 instead of pressuring ourselves into black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking. Grounding things on a balancing scale of 1 thru 10 can help us identify points of negotiation with others, and What They Want, in order to find balance or to learn how to trade in exchanges.

 

We also learn to identify things that we can never trade--those are our dealbreakers.

 

Speculation is noise. If someone behaves in ways antithetical to What I Want, I can waste time picking that apart, or I can operate from honesty about What I Want to learn What They Want and figure out what's negotiable or a dealbreaker.

 

While this all seems like logical stuff, emotions are my drivers provided that they are productive. Whenever they're not, I honor them and allow them to run their course in privacy. When I sense my emotions turning productive again, I'll return to allowing them to be my drivers.

 

We are ALL creative keepers of our own right answers. We just need to learn how to get out of our own way in order to tap them.

Link to comment
When I have had that sort of feeling, then absolutely without question I never date that person again.

 

I dated someone off and on and it really never got past being friends. I reconciled with an ex, he did as well. He lived just a couple blocks from me and in the course of 3 years we hung out quite a few times.

 

He checked all the boxes, handsome, established, same interests, fun, on and on. But something stopped me. And it is this very thing ^^ that did. Mind you, I am perfectly happy listening, often being the one of the most quiet people in the room. But it's not be confused with feeling invisible.

 

My friend looooved to talk about himself and after a few month break, he reached out in a text and said he missed me. It wasn't until that moment I realized he couldn't possibly miss me if he didn't know anything about me. I was prepared to ask him questions, did he even know my last name, the ages of my kids, etc because round 3 was a full court press for a relationship, but I just could not go there with him.

 

In the end I met someone else and he, funny enough was engaged to someone else less than 5 months later.

 

A good case in point, where one of times I am pretty sure I could have unscrewed my head and replaced it. Because he proved my point, `who' I was didn't matter.

 

The fact that I was upright and breathing made me a perfect candidate.

Link to comment
I dated someone off and on and it really never got past being friends. I reconciled with an ex, he did as well. He lived just a couple blocks from me and in the course of 3 years we hung out quite a few times.

 

He checked all the boxes, handsome, established, same interests, fun, on and on. But something stopped me. And it is this very thing ^^ that did. Mind you, I am perfectly happy listening, often being the one of the most quiet people in the room. But it's not be confused with feeling invisible.

 

My friend looooved to talk about himself and after a few month break, he reached out in a text and said he missed me. It wasn't until that moment I realized he couldn't possibly miss me if he didn't know anything about me. I was prepared to ask him questions, did he even know my last name, the ages of my kids, etc because round 3 was a full court press for a relationship, but I just could not go there with him.

 

In the end I met someone else and he, funny enough was engaged to someone else less than 5 months later.

 

A good case in point, where one of times I am pretty sure I could have unscrewed my head and replaced it. Because he proved my point, `who' I was didn't matter.

 

The fact that I was upright and breathing made me a perfect candidate.

 

I will never forget hearing my husband say over dinner, "I just want to have conversation. I don't want to think." It is a feeling to which I can relate. Yet coming from him, in that moment, I realized my ideas were a burden to him. My desire to his ideas, an impossible request. I could be anyone, so long as I looked cute enough and didn't say too much.

 

So, yes, his now wife asserts her power by overseeing his activities (phone bills, gas burned, money spent). Why this way? Because he chose someone who doesn't match his intellect, education, or worldliness.

 

As you say, reinvent, I could have been anyone. Psh.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...