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Thread: Date who talks too much about himself... Should I give him another shot?

  1. #11
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I understand wholeheartedly about feeling drained due to someone who rattles on. I personally don't think that will change. He is someone who enjoys talking and talking and needs someone who can either keep up or genuinely likes hearing him go on and on.

    I wouldn't have the energy nor patience with it.

    I think it would be in your best interest to tell him that you've enjoyed your time together but that you don't think it's going to work out.
    I second this. Reciprocal communication and meaningful conversation... not just someone talking at me for an hour... is essential to me. I am an introvert and need to be with someone that is comfortable listening as much as they are talking, or just sitting in silence once in awhile.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Nerves or not, second date he should be genuinely interested in knowing something about you. I mean, why date someone you dont even know? - unless you just want a sounding board, or just someone who's breathing.

    Having said that, it may be nerves.
    If you're not convinced, give it one more try and make an effort to interject and see what you get in return.

    I learned early on it's not the best move to tell them to change a behavior. Early dating is an important opportunity to evaluate. Tell him to curtail something this important he may hide it from you only to go back to what seems natural to him in the end.

    At some point monopolizing a conversation is just plain rude. Better to know now.

    Good luck.

  3. #13
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    I also agree with one more date...or not...but I think my motivation for one more date would be more for ME to determine if this situation could improve. When he stops, you pick up where you left off. "As I was saying with that concert..." "When the dog jumped off the table and started licking the cat..."

    I've been seeing a guy whose life has shifted into retirement. I'm on the phone and customer service all day. I talk all day. I take care of people all day. I need the silence. He, on the other hand, no longer has that constant barrage of people. He's much more social and extroverted as well. He needs the conversation. I've had to make that effort to engage more...and I enjoy it...and eventually we settle into that movie and snuggling. He will interrupt and at times he wants to teach and solve and I have to remind him I'm not asking advice, just talking. Now me and this guy? It's really not going anywhere, but it's good for me to work on my own interpersonal skills because I do have a tendency to need to shut down, and relationships don't get nurtured when you crawl under a rock the second you get to punch out, whether it's platonic friends or a romantic relationship. There is a balancing act one needs to learn to employ.

    I wonder if it's nerves or the need to impress or sheer discomfort if there is any gap in conversation, so he fills it...and he fills it with trying to impress you instead of learning about you. Certainly don't prolong this. You seem to be leaning in the direction of not compatible, and maybe a little gun-shy with past mistakes, and you don't know if it's a red flag or you being hypersensitive. You can choose one more date or call it off now...either way.

    I feel your exhaustion in these situations. Opposites of this nature can work..one talks, one listens, but the other has to listen too...and learn silence.

    My personal choice would be one more, and assert myself a little more..I don't make the best choices in dating, so take it with a grain of salt.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Meh you aren't feeling it...

    If you give it another chance, you might be getting more of the same. So if you're the type to not be rude and let others talk, this might not be a good match for you.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by FleurDeLys
    or make him understand in a gentle manner that he talks too much about himself and needs to show more interest in me, if he wants to keep mine. As I'm unable to really determine whether he's just another person looking for a partner to boost his ego or if it's a matter of inexperienced in dating and being a good conversationalist.

    I don't know if anyone has been in this situation before. Would appreciate any input :). Thanks!
    You can't make people understand. You can share knowledge and hope they get it. But attempts to make people do anything will almost certainly fail.

    I think you've created a false dichotomy. There may be lots of overlapping reasons that he talks about himself. He does seem to lack some fundamental understanding of listening and responding. He's not listening to understand what you are saying, he's listening to fashion responses. Unfortunately this is all too common. It's everywhere. Few people are mindful of it. He could be very self centred and think the world revolved around him. He could just be really enthusiastic and trying to demonstrate how compatible you two are. At the end of the day what's important is it's a behaviour you don't like. It may change if he's just too excited and nervous. He may get hit with the epiphany most people want to share the conversation. But it's unlikely.

    Reminds me of a time I was sitting in a bar watching a couple at the end of the bar. They were at the right angle of the bar, so they could face each other. It looked obvious it was a first date. It started out well. She was leaning forward, smiling and engaged. Then I noticed the guy was doing all the talking. He wouldn't pause. The woman couldn't get a word in. I wanted to tell buddy to shut up and let the girl talk. Her body language started to change. She physically backed up in her bar stool. She started looking around the room. Then she starting looking at her watch, never a good sign. She was only politely nodding at this point. He was entirely oblivious. Just kept talking and talking and talking. Finally she excused herself to the washroom. I met a bet to myself that when she came back she would get a text and have to leave. Yeah, I was right. As she was hurrying out the door he called out "I'll give you a call". She didn't respond, just kept going. Hopefully your date isn't this bad :)

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Input on this kind of stuff will always be a mixed bag. While this doesn't mean that feedback from others isn't useful, it's just more helpful when I can get clear with myself, first, as to how I want to use it: am I seeking encouragement to walk away or to invest in one more date?

    The only 'real' way I can get that clarity is to quiet the noise instead of generating more of it. When I relax into a place that borders on sleep, and then I introduce a picture of a person in my mind, I can just 'be' with that image without projecting all kinds of 'stuff' all over it. From there I place my focus on my heart, and I expand my heart energy outward toward my image of the person.

    When I just relax with that, I can Pay Attention to my impressions. It may sound like a loving heart might generate an overwriting energy that blocks out red flags that should be heeded, but the heart is a central stimulator of all other senses, and with practice, this can raise intuition rather than block it. So I allow myself to follow the course of this mediation through ALL layers of impressions that come to me--without drawing conclusions. When I complete this course until my impressions fade or I fall asleep or I'm interrupted or I pop into alertness, I focus AWAY from outcomes or answers and allow for background processing to do its job.

    I either move back into conscious living and go about my business, or I move into a restful sleep, and I trust that the 'right' answers for me are being generated without my front mind participating at this time. (BTW--this also works to generate answers about work or life events, decisions about purchases, finding lost objects--you name it.)

    Later, whenever my answer spontaneously occurs, I either have confidence in my decision, OR I've raised some great qualifying questions to explore. I consider this an active way to participate in the old adage to "sleep on it". Sure, just going to sleep can produce the right kind of background processing to generate clarity without noise, but actively placing a focus on my question before releasing it to this process gains me a trust in my 'intent'.

    Your answer lies within your own intuitive feelings about the guy despite HIS noise or anyone else's. Allowing yourself to move all else out of your way will produce the real 'right' answer for you.

  8. #17
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    Cat, I admire you so much, you are always so rational and logical in how you approach things -- dating, relationships, love, life!

    This is how I strive to be too, a bit of a challenge at times, esp re love.

    To be rational and logical, when inside I'm feeling so, well, emotional! :)

    This isn't my thread, but how do you do it? Have you always been this way or can it be learned?

    Your answer may help others too, including OP.

  9. #18
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    Sportster, that’s a great observation of that couple in the bar. It’s happebed to me many times, with female friendships too.

    When one person talks “at you”, rather than “with you”, it’s a sign that that’s who they are.

    People who only ask questions so they can answer that same question.
    You get one sentence in to answer, and they spend the next 30 minutes on every bit of minutiae regarding their experience with the question they just asked you.

    It’s exhausting. I give up with people like this.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Catfeeder gives great advice.

    I have an experience wherein I kept seeing a loud talker who talked about himself too much on our first dates. Other traits compelled me to continue dating (we didn't even share a peck of a kiss till #7 or #8). Around #4 I brought a game with me, and suggested we play it while we had drinks. Success! An all time best date. Said man turned out to be very quiet and peaceful in my company, and he makes an attentive and supportive partner.

    His social self never sat right with me though. He and his wife enjoy a private life that departs from their public personae; I don't like that. We weren't well matched, for a reason that was evident on date #1.

    POINT being: As Cat says, only you know what path is right for you. Not all paths lead to marriage/similar yet many are valuable for their other gifts.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Sportster, that’s a great observation of that couple in the bar. It’s happebed to me many times, with female friendships too.

    When one person talks “at you”, rather than “with you”, it’s a sign that that’s who they are.

    People who only ask questions so they can answer that same question.
    You get one sentence in to answer, and they spend the next 30 minutes on every bit of minutiae regarding their experience with the question they just asked you.

    It’s exhausting. I give up with people like this.
    So in that case I think it depends. If you give the person the benefit of the doubt as to intentions then sometimes the question which the questioner thinks will evoke a longer response doesn't. When that happens to me I typically wait to see if the person will ask me the same in return, with interest - I would feel odd sharing my answer unless from the beginning we knew we were going to trade stories about the general topic so it was implied that we didn't each have to ask. I do wonder sometimes if we presume a bad intention and then let it color our perspective too much. Your example sounds extreme though!

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