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Thread: Date who talks too much about himself... Should I give him another shot?

  1. #1
    Member FleurDeLys's Avatar
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    Date who talks too much about himself... Should I give him another shot?

    Hi all,

    I'd like some advise on a dating situation I'm currently encountering. So couple of a weeks ago, I met this guy online. We clicked pretty well, had good conversations so we decided to meet up for a date. The date went well, except that I thought he talked a little too much, but since it was relatively short, we decided on a second date for lunch time. But again, he talked a lot about himself, and more specifically about his life accomplishments, told very personal details of his life (not necessarily a deal breaker to me, depending how the chemistry, what's and how it's shared, but in this case it was a bit too much).

    After a while, he ended up asking me what were passions in life, when I told him which music genre I was into and he went into telling how he was working on a similar music project at the moment and that he'd showed me when it would be ready, or when told me he loved thrillers when I told him I like to write, instead of asking me how long I've been writing, what authors I liked myself. Basically, turning conversation back to himself. After this date, I ended up feeling incredibly drained.

    I'm not sure how to on about this, because we seem otherwise share values that are important to me, judging from what he's told me. And seems to have a relatively stable life and willing to commit. I've been on dates with guys who were complete narcissists and they were usually very childish, impulsive and didn't like to be contradicted, but it's not the case for him. He looked up and a booked a vegetarian restaurant for our second date (I'm vegetarian, he's not), he offered to get tickets through a connection to go see my favourite DJ in the future (albeit he's not a fan at all himself)... So there seems to be efforts on his part to try to share in my interests. Though, I feel like it might stem more from a desire to please and impress.

    As for me, I'm not really someone who likes to dominate the conversation with talks about myself when I'm around people I'm not familiar with, or talk for the sake of talking. And it can be challenging for me around people who talk too much, because I tend to feel so drained after listening to long soliloquy that I no longer have energy to talk. I like meaningful exchanges.

    So at this point, I'm wondering whether I should call it quits with this guy or give it another shot, be more assertive, or make him understand in a gentle manner that he talks too much about himself and needs to show more interest in me, if he wants to keep mine. As I'm unable to really determine whether he's just another person looking for a partner to boost his ego or if it's a matter of inexperienced in dating and being a good conversationalist.

    I don't know if anyone has been in this situation before. Would appreciate any input :). Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Move on. You don’t like him very much. Lol! You think he talks too much...

    Unless you are the type of person to disqualify people for the tiniest things (too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, not enough hair, not fashionable, chews loudly, etc) and this is an overall problem for you - I would not give this one a second thought. You just don’t like him all that much.

    For what it’s worth, I agree, he sounds well-intentionned but exhausting. Lol!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If there is enough there and you are on the fence try one more date. Some people talk too much when nervous. Some people just talk too much. One more date may help determine that.

  4. #4
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    When I was about eighteen, I had a short-lived relationship with a guy who was very physically attractive and initially very good company. However, he underwent some kind of transformation, and started reeling out piles of b******t, talking about his ego all the time... I think he described it as 'finding himself'. (This was at the tail end of the hippie era). I ended it because I wanted a relationship with someone where communication was two-way.

    More recently, decades later, he got back in touch with me. I was initially very pleased to hear from him, but around five minutes into a phone conversation I was reminded why I'd finished with him in the first place. Non-stop talking about himself, very repetitive, talking across me constantly and coming out with piles of, well, yeah.

    I take the view that you have to accept people as they are, not how you'd like them to be. And if someone has no interest in finding about you other than as a stimulus to their own blather, that's not a good match - no matter how generous they may be in other ways.

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  6. #5
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    A major concern is that you could be willing to settle for simple gestures to "impress" you - picking a veggie place, favorite DJ - while potentially ignoring the most important thing - he has spent so much time talking about himself that he is not showing that he cares about learning about you as a person by shutting himself up long enough to listen to you. Regardless of any excuse that can be made for his behavior, it is a major flaw and disrespectful towards you. It is not worth the effort to feel drained by verbiage already by the second date. You seem aware of that and hopefully you will continue to search for others on the dating app.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Sometimes you can train guys with basic skills. But you can't train basic social skills as a potential girlfriend, it's two different roles.

    Women like to talk more than men - a smart guy with social skills who understands women knows this.

    Things will work out the way they were meant to, you'll figure it out. If it turns you off too much you won't go out with him again.

  8. #7
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    I think if you liked him, meaning you felt that certain "click," energy/chemistry, this would not have bothered you.

    Men like to talk about themselves, it may not be a conscious thing, but they're qualifying themselves in a sense; you should feel flattered, it means they like you.

    Certainly better than him sitting there not saying anything and leaving all the "work" (talking/engaging) to you.

    I've experienced that and arghh! That is a turn off!

    I do get you though -- ask me questions!

    Learn the art of politely interrupting him at the right time, to interject your thoughts -- it works!

    That said, in this case, drop him, you don't like him, that's pretty obvious.

    You don't need a reason..

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    After this date, I ended up feeling incredibly drained.

    When a date makes you feel like that and it's such early going, that's your big giant flashing neon clue that you need to stop with this guy and just keep on looking.
    He might be a small step up from other crummy dates, but he is still not a match and tempting as it might be, please just keep going and keep looking. Don't settle just because he is less bad some of the worst dates.

  10. #9
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    I would give him one more chance and chalk it up to nerves. While on the date I would politely interrupt or wait for him to catch his breath and say lightheartedly -"can I do your part of the conversation?" If he says yes say "so, how was your day?" or something like that -keep it light and see if he catches on.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I understand wholeheartedly about feeling drained due to someone who rattles on. I personally don't think that will change. He is someone who enjoys talking and talking and needs someone who can either keep up or genuinely likes hearing him go on and on.

    I wouldn't have the energy nor patience with it.

    I think it would be in your best interest to tell him that you've enjoyed your time together but that you don't think it's going to work out.

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