My girlfriend is controlling

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 13 months (21m, 19f) and we seem to fight a lot, she has always wanted control and if I ever stand up to it she claims that she doesn’t love herself and she hates herself because of what I have done in the past - she saw me looking up other girls on Instagram- it did really hurt her feelings so I did what I could but that was at the beginning of the relationship and I feel like now it is getting out of hand and I don’t have any freedom. On any major event (friends birthday parties, public holiday etc.) she will always start a fight over something, I am very relaxed and easy going and she is the opposite so I think that’s why these fights happen. A part of me thinks I should end things but I’m too scared, I don’t know how she will react and if she will harm herself in any way (she has mentioned this during a big fight that she feels the need to, but I have brought it up another time and she said she would never). When we are happy, it is always a really good time but I still lack the freedom. She doesn’t have her drivers license and is still young and growing up so I’m not sure if I wait it out and hopefully when her life is together a bit more I will be happy with her, or if I leave her. Thanks and sorry for the long message!

Maybe try and raise some strict logical and self-respect boundaires that she won't be allowed to pass. This relationship sounds toxic and I don't think she will change the way she behaves but maybe if you firmly stay up for yourself she will step back. Also try having calm and logical discussions about this problem.

If you continue feeding her attitude, you will increase the war that has already started in yourself and you will reach a point where you won't handle and won't resist being there anymore.

So just try to solve the situation, and after you have put all efforts to do it and still no change, just give up.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you need to end things and not allow for more manipulation and controlling behaviors. You have dated long enough and been through enough to realize that she is damaged and needs therapy more than a relationship at this time. The best way to extricate yourself from this is to put it on yourself and state that you are confused, or need to take time away from dating, etc.

Do not wait around. It won't get better. many 19 y/o people are not manipulative and damaged or controlling. This is not an issue of immaturity. Her parents need to take her to a therapist for her issues. But that is not your problem. Your problem is extracting yourself from this with minimal collateral damage to yourself or her.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 13 months (21m, 19f).A part of me thinks I should end things but I’m too scared, I don’t know how she will react and if she will harm herself in any way. She doesn’t have her drivers license and is still young and growing up so I’m not sure if I wait it out and hopefully when her life is together a bit more I will be happy with her, or if I leave her.

It sounds like she may have mental issues - narcissism for one, and her claiming that she would hurt herself could be another mental issue. Counseling for her might be a good idea.

To be a good catch, they have to be sane.

True......

To be a good catch, they have to be sane.

Break up with her and after you do, tell her parents that she has threatened to kill herself in the past so that they can get her the help she clearly needs.

You're 21 and have the rest of your life ahead of you for hopefully many more decades... don't keep on in a toxic relationship where you argue as a way of life together and where you are sad that you're in the relationship.

Part of maturity is learning the life skills of good decisions. Allowing yourself to be blackmailed into staying involved with an unstable manipulator is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. You get to decide how long you'll allow such a mistake to continue by adopting responsibility that is not your own, or you can mitigate the damage and end the relationship.

GF is capable of reaching for the help she needs, and you can't fix her. If she's in school, her tuition covers mental health counseling on campus, and if not, there are resources available in most communities.

For my own head, I'd research a list of 3 or more potential contacts for GF to use, including at least one suicide prevention hotline. I'd meet with GF in a public place and tell her that the relationship no longer works for me, and I want out. Period--no arguing about 'reasons' you don't need. Then I'd give her the list and tell her that she can contact these or any other resource of her choice for help, but if she ever again threatens self harm, I'm calling the police on the spot--and I'd mean it. I'd tell her that I wish the best possible future for her, and I'd walk away.

I would not make promises of friendship or of reconciliation in the future. I would exit to a safe place to make phone calls to a friend or family member or both to tell them that I just had a breakup conversation with the girl, and I'd suggest that they may want to contact her.

That would be the full extent of my personal responsibility I would put a block on my phone, email and social media to avoid being pressured into playing amateur social worker for one who needs a professional.