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Thread: Breaking up

  1. #1

    Breaking up

    I am a 22 yr old woman. I entered into a relationship with my tution professor in November 2018. He is 25. Our relationship was beautiful. He used to dedicate songs to me, we watched movies together, he shared his life with me, his plans his goals, his family problems, his salary, his expenses everything. We bonded well. At times, he even discussed about our future/marriage and how it can get dificult considering my family has a better financial status.

    This January, i.e only 2 months after our relationship started, he started pushing me away. I didnt realise this first, when he was only picking up fights. Later on he reduced the time he spent online, and the extra hours we spent together after class and didnt ask me out on a date saying he was busy. He even distanced himself physically. He didn't touch me neither held my hand. Sensing this change in behaviour I asked him if he wanted to end things to which he replied he was "afraid of the future and the problems that could arrive becuase of our family differences." I was nuetral at that moment. I cut him off for a few days, I needed time to think. I skipped my classes and was off social media for a week. Even if I would attend my class, I didn't even make eye contact and left as soon as my class was dismissed.

    During this time, i shared this with one of my male friends who told me this "family talk" is a playboy's cliche way of ending things when they sense the girl getting serious. Guys do that often so that they don't have to be the bad guy. I wouldn't have trusted my friend if he hadn't asked a few questions about my boyfriend's behaviour which all matched.

    After this talk with my friend, i was furious and done playing games. I decided it was over and knew he didn't need me to say it. It already was.

    I started attending my classes and behaving normal. I made eye contact, smiled and acted as a regular student. Now, even he has started behaving normal. The distance he was creating, ended. He acts friendly just like before. Sits adjacent to me most of the time. He jokes, makes me laugh,discusses movies, series and books with me.

    I know him since 5 months out of which we were together for 2 months. I haven't seen him interact with any other female student to this extent.

    When he was so desperate to get rid of me, why be so friendly now?
    Why break up when he enjoyed my company?
    And he knew I was serious about this relationship since the begining, then why push me away out of nowhere after 2 months!!

    I wanted to ask these questions to him myself, but my friend said that would lead to him lying further.

    I have been in quite a relationships, but no other guy made me this comfortable after my highschool love/first love. Was this guy really a playboy?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is either of you scheduled for an arranged marriage by your families?
    Originally Posted by Maahi Sayed
    he even discussed about our future/marriage and how it can get dificult considering my family has a better financial status.

    I asked him if he wanted to end things to which he replied he was "afraid of the future and the problems that could arrive becuase of our family differences."

  3. #3
    Not scheduled, but both our parents believe in arranged marriages. My parents are kinda even looking for guys where as he has started his career just 2 years back, so he can't approach my parents until a few years.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he did the right thing ending it being astute enough to appreciate the culture issues involved.
    Originally Posted by Maahi Sayed
    both our parents believe in arranged marriages. My parents are kinda even looking for guys where as he has started his career just 2 years back, so he can't approach my parents until a few years.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately he did the right thing ending it being astute enough to appreciate the culture issues involved.
    *Deep breaths*
    So he wasn't a playboy who toyed with me for two months?

  7. #6
    I agree with Wiseman2. As a man he analysed things logically and probably reached the conclusion things wouldn't work because of your families.
    As it seems, he even tried to have a discussion with you about that but you didn't see it as being important. He felt he was not worth for your family so you should have discussed this and assure him that there was nothing to worry about(if there was really nothing to worry)..

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No one got played or toyed with. You dated a few weeks and it was determined there were too many conflicts of interests with regard to families, culture etc.. Next time date people who are more viable candidates for a long term relationships, leading to marriage if that is the purpose of dating in your culture.

    Be realistic and have an honest discussion with your parents about what kind of men they want to arrange a marriage for you with. Do not use other men to defy your parents if you are opposed to the traditional arranged marriage. Try talking to them about your dating/marriage options and how involved you and/or they will be in that process. If you are not ready for marriage, tell them rather than finding inappropriate men to delay things.
    Originally Posted by Maahi Sayed
    So he wasn't a playboy who toyed with me for two months?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Maahi Sayed
    *Deep breaths*
    So he wasn't a playboy who toyed with me for two months?
    Well there is no guarantee that he wasn't, however based on what you described it seems more likely that he was just afraid of the potential clash of differences if you guys were to get serious... and when you made it okay by making eye contact and being friendly, he was probably relieved that he could continue a friendship with you.

    People often think that such differences can be overlooked but often they end up becoming big problems in the relationship. Love does not conquer all I'm afraid... it's best to find someone that is on the same page as you when it comes to family values etc. so those problems don't get in the way down the road.

  10. #9
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    I think he did the right thing. He foresaw the potential future obstacles which likely would have been insurmountable and let it die.

    Chalk this up to experience and look for someone more suitable

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Whenever I don't have answers about another's behavior, and I'm not likely to get them, I decide what is in my OWN best interests to believe about that. Then I adopt that answer and move forward.

    The guy was frank with you without mistreatment. If you must continue to interact with him at school, what good would it do for your head to assume the worst about him? He is likely fond of you, but you've just written above that he's not entitled to deal with your family for years--so what good can come from indulging in fantasies about one another that can't manifest?

    Head high, and deal with the ex in any manner that is most comfortable for you.

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