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Thread: Is phone sex cheating?

  1. #1
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    Is phone sex cheating?

    Hi all
    And I can understand why you are thinking “YES PHONE SEX IS CHEATING”

    But hear me out

    I have been in a long distance relationship for 7 years, I have been loyal to the core to my boyfriend now fiancé. I don’t club, or go to bars or even have many guys friends
    I never put myself in situations where I flirt or do anything to harm the sanctity of our relationship

    However my fiancé has never been emotionally or physically present, or available to my needs.
    Not once in our 7 years has he given me any physical pleasure in the bedroom and I haven’t complained once about it- yet he knows how much intimacy in the bedroom means to me

    If we have sex or when ive done my bit and made him... you know what... at night sometimes I go off to the living room, and have an orgasm and fall asleep on the couch by myself

    Sometimes I get so frustrated I resent him

    I’m afraid too that because I shut down on him so much like this he may give up wanting to be with me eventually and the break up in our relationship may be inevitable

    I’ve come to a point now that I can’t even sexually fantasise about him, last time I saw him and got intimate with him.... I felt nothing and I felt disgusted in myself

    But he’s so lovely in orther ways and I do love him so much which confuses me.
    He supports my education even though I am miles away, he is always encouraging me and motivating me to be the best I can be and always has my best interest in mind.

    He gives me advice and comforts me through his words or texts.

    We used to skype so often in the first two or three years now I don’t even know where Skype is on my laptop - it’s been YEARS

    I don’t even get as much as a phone call anymore.

    Whenever we do meet up after months of being away, I look out to other couples around us and long to be having as much fun as they are. I ask him if he’s okay and like routine he says he is tired every single time we have met up, after months of not seeing each other.
    He is tired. When I’ve been waiting for this moment to see him and be held for months but I get a brief peck and we move on with our date.

    I wish his hand would be on the small of my back, that he would hold my hand in a restaurant. I always take initiative and reach out for him and hold him but he shrugs me off.

    I just wish... That we would hug me and kiss me because HE himself wanted to

    So coming back to phone sex.... I was on a forum and I became acquainted with someone online we exchanged numbers -making it very clear that we are just friends and have the same interests in gaming

    And just on our third phone call and adding each other on social media
    He said he would love to date me and the conversation turned very sexual leading to phone sex

    He wanted to meet in person and he was very much from the sounds of it a giver in the bedroom, and he had figured out that in the past no one had ever pleased me and he was sorry for it.

    Yet I closed it down after the FIRST, and LAST “phone sex” encounter because my guilt didn’t even let me sleep that night and for some strange reason I hated myself and felt sick to my core. I cried myself to sleep at 5 am.

    I told the other guy that I’m sorry and we couldn’t continue like this and it’s best we just stop speaking because I am in a relationship.

    And I truly do love my fiancé
    We know each other like nobody else
    And I can’t picture being with another man in real life physically, I just could never do it in real life

    Another man touching me kinda creeps me out and I can only feel comfortable around my lovely fiancé.

    But I don’t know why or how I did it over the phone..?

    Do I tell him about what has happened?
    What do I do next? And how do I address my problems with intimacy without hurting his feelings or making him feel less than

    I really don’t think he will understand my point of view and I’m aftaid many of you will not either.
    But as a woman I believe intimacy is just as important to us and should be reciprocated even though I’ve been letting it go for so long...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you ever met?

  3. #3
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    Nooooo
    The other guy very much wanted to, at first just as friends but then after the phone sex I didn’t want to lead him on in anyway or let it lead to anything at all. The phone sex just crept out of no where.

    So I ended that form of friendship or relationship or whatever you would call it

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Okay, some real talk coming...

    This phone sex dilemma isn't a real dilemma. Small potatoes, all in all. What led to it—well, BIG potatoes.

    The relationship with your fiancé, as you described it, is simply a deeply unfulfilling relationship. Early on, for whatever reason, you opted to invest in someone who (a) does not live in your area and (b) does not please you intimately. I'd argue that, seven years ago, there was something going on with you that made that bargain appealing. Somewhere in there you did some math, made a choice that what you did get (companionship, support, salve to loneliness, whatever) made up for what you don't get (touches, orgasms, physical affection and proximity).

    Well, it's not working. Not really. Probably hasn't been for a long, long time. Simply put, you need more than what you're getting—a lot more.

    Seven years long distance is a long time. Is there a plan to ever not be long distance? Because it kind of sounds like you've spent seven years in something of an almost-relationship, enjoying the comfort of being in...something...while waiting and hoping it evolves into something a little better and more sparkly than it is.

    Hate to say it, but after seven years you know what you're getting. And what this phone sex episode shows, to say nothing of the nights crying after self-pleasure, is that you're not getting enough.

    Have you ever tried to talk to your bf about your intimate needs?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, romantic relationships are like a tripod. For it to stand and work, you have to have intellectual connection, emotional connection, sexual connection. If one or more of these are missing, the whole thing falls down and doesn't work.

    Without a mutually satisfying sex life, all you really have is a quasi friendship. I say quasi, because he is getting what he wants, while you are not at all. You are essentially playing martyr in this and for what? Because he goes "rah rah rah you go girl, graduate from college". I mean seriously? If a man doesn't seek to satisfy you in bed, then you are dealing with a selfish waste of space. No, OP, he is not a caring prince charming, he is lazy and selfish and doesn't care in the least how you feel. He does appear to put up a good facade about it, then again, if you really start being honest, I wonder how many more issues are boiling under the surface. You seem to be in a lot of personal denial just how deeply unhappy you actually are in this.

    The whole phone sex thing should be a cold wake up call for you just to the depth and level of your personal misery in this so called relationship. End it, get out, find a man who actually wants to hold you, aka find a real relationship because what you have here isn't it.

  7. #6
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    Wow thanks for that response.
    Really appreciate it and thanks for the realness too!

    The distance will end soon in a couple of months when I graduate and get back to my hometown,
    I haven’t spoken to him about it because I honestly don’t know how to communicate it

    I know we are all adults here but how does one communicate that sort of a problem, and I don’t want to hurt him or his ego or anything but damn it you’re right I’ll have to speak to him soon because resenting him isn’t the answer

    He senses something is wrong and I go eerily cold and quiet because of my frustration, I thought maybe he’d put one and one together and figure it out but maybe he’s just a dude and needs to be told straight.


    Thank you! I think I’ll work on figuring out how to tell Him, I hate confrontations too I usually just ice the person out for a bit till I’m over it

    If you have any ideas on how to word it and communicate this I’d appreciate your frankness in all honesty !

  8. #7
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    Thanks dancing fool.

    I needed to hear that. I didn’t realise it but I think there’s a lot of personal denial.
    And yes there are many more issues boiling too under the surface that I just don’t think are worth worrying about till I graduate and move back.
    But I think I need to start paying serious attention too them otherwise I’ll be miserable my whole life.


    Thank you so much for your help! I’ve been miserable and confused all day as to whether or not it was ME being selfish.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You are busy trying to spare his feelings at your own expense.

    You gently tell him this isn't working for you. I am surprised that you can't see it for what it is, but I am often surprised by what I read here on this forum.

    Add in the other participant in this and I can't believe that neither of you have questioned if this is even a viable relationship to begin with.

    I don't know either of you, but I can't help but think he won't be surprised.

    But if you are looking for the words, it's always best in situations like this to tell someone what you want, desire and what it looks like.
    People tend to become defensive in hearing things that their partner is unhappy about, and when defenses kick in, listening sometimes becomes impaired.

    Tell him what you want out of a relationship and ask him if this is something he can give you . . and gauge his response and see if he is willing to give it you.

    If not, please don't carry on. You've given 7 years to this and basically have nothing to show for it. Consider yourself and your time valuable. Choose wisely.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    However my fiancé has never been emotionally or physically present, or available to my needs.
    Not once in our 7 years has he given me any physical pleasure in the bedroom and I haven’t complained once about it- yet he knows how much intimacy in the bedroom means to me
    Then why, in all that is good, would keep seeing someone who you are not satisfied with. What pray tell keeps you mired to this man? Financial reasons? Arranged coupling? What?

    You are being disingenuous to yourself and your partner *edit* its unfair and self demeaning to be posing with this guy you are too afraid to leave and keeping him from finding someone that he will be more compatible with. Please google "codependency" and read (very likely) why you stay with a man that you feel you need extra curricular activities with in order to 'survive.'

    Its folks like yourself and the thinking that you can't picture yourself leaving someone that you do not gel with in all ways that leads to the divorce rate being so high. Work on yourself and you will find it quite easy to leave someone who you are codependently addicted to (not with through interdependent love).
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 02-06-2019 at 01:50 PM.

  11. #10
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    Does he even know you never orgasm after sex with him?

    Yes sexual satisfaction should be a two way street. Somewhere along the way we've prioritized men's before our own. However many women have difficulty climaxing just from penetration and he may need some guidance on what specifically gets you off. If you need cliroral simulation either show him how you like and need it, do it yourself during the deed or even bring In a vibrator?? Perhaps he is just a bit meek and mild in the sack nothing wrong with a little guidance. I don't always cum from regular sex but it isn't a bother in our relationship.. Doesn't bug me to finish myself nor does it cause resentment or fuel an urge to be with someone else.

    Clearly it bugs you and you are expressing unhappiness and looking for other outlets. That is cheating and isn't fair to the relationship. If you want to truly work things out Than you know what you have to do. Be honest and upfront and you will get what you want. I doubt this man even knows He isn't making you come or he thinks you are cool with the way things are... I doubt he is purposely withholding sexual pleasure to be mean lol. So it can easily be worked out.

    I just think it seems like you've got doubts and a wandering eye that you are justifying but don't want to stray as your fiancé brings you comfort and other forms of happiness. Understandable but it isn't fair to him and if I was him id want my partner to fully commit to me and work through the issues at hand or straight up walk away. As hard as it is I wouldn't want to be with somebody who feels unfulfilled, resents me sexually and wants to have phone sex with others. I rather be single lmao

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