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My friend is friends with my ex


tom21

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I broke up with my ex in May last year. Since then I've been in strict NC, I blocked her on everything. She tried a lot of ways to get a response from me but I never reply to her. I don't plan to get in contact or meet her ever again. She's in the past.

 

I have this group of friends who I met at university and I introduced my ex to them when we were in relationship. She moved to a city 6 hours drive away for work before we broke up. She's currently still there, and a few of my friends also moved to the same city as her for jobs after Summer.

 

Recently I've also been applying for jobs in that city (it's a big city and where the jobs are), I have an interview this week so I planned a trip there and I will be staying at one of my friends' place. My friend told me she'll be busy most nights after work when I'm there, I joked saying she has so many dates, then she told me "I actually have a dinner arranged with my ex, I've hung out with her a bit since I've moved down here, I hope that's not an issue with you"

 

After reading that I feel really weird inside my head, I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm not mad or angry that they're hanging out. But she's my friend who I knew for years before my I met my ex. Shouldn't her at least let me know when they were arranging to meet the first time? I wouldn't stop my friend meeting up with my ex, she's an adult, she can decide what to do in her life.

 

On one hand I feel like this is fine, they met when I was still in a relationship with my ex, and they are just hanging out as friends after we broke up. But on the other hand, I feel that my friend has disrespected me for hanging out with my ex "behind my back", and never told me until now. I spoke to my friend after my ex and I broke up because I trust her, I wouldn't speak to her about it if I knew my friend and my ex would be in contact.

 

So yeah I'm just feeling weird. Am i being immature?

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Well, the opposite of love is indifference and you're not at the stage of indifference quite yet if you don't want your friends associating with your ex.

 

Are you feeling that your friend is being disloyal to you by keeping your ex as a friend?

 

I feel more disrespected that my friend didn't tell me she was meeting up with my ex.

I'm fine with them meeting up, I just don't like the idea of my ex having a way/channel to get updates about on me, knowing what I'm up to. I feel like if I knew my friend was meeting up with my ex, I would hold back on what I tell my friend.

 

But yeah, I guess you're right that I'm not at the indifference stage yet, that's why I care what my ex know about me.

 

Should I even bother to bring this up when I see my friend? Or just let it be?

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If it were me, I'd say: Now that I know you and *EX* are friends still, I'd really appreciate it if you kept confident what you and I discuss as well as not giving her any updates about me and I really don't want to know anything about her either."

 

Thing is though, if you move there for work, you're more likely then not to find yourself in your ex's company if you have mutual friends so try to accept that and get on with getting to the stage of indifference to her before you get there.

 

Good luck.

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I feel more disrespected that my friend didn't tell me she was meeting up with my ex.

 

Should I even bother to bring this up when I see my friend? Or just let it be?

 

Your friend (or your ex, for that matter) has no obligation to inform you when she gets to get her with any friend. That's just weird that you would even think she should inform you or ask your opinion.

 

You say that you are fine with them meeting up, but your posts indicate otherwise. But again, you have No say in who their friends are.

 

I get that it can be awkward. And I also think you are right to watch what you say about your ex around that friend.

 

In the end, you may want to distance your self from that friend, so that your can maintain your distance from your ex.

 

Your answer to her comment of "I hope it's okay that we hang out" should be "Of course! Who you or my ex hang out with is not my business "

 

If you end up getting a job there, you may end up running into your ex (and maybe even her bf), especially if you socialize with your current group of friends. It could get awkward, but you work through it.

 

You actually do not sound like you are over your ex at all. Who ended the relationship, and why?

 

You will know when you are over her --- when it doesn't matter if you see her or not. You are simply neutral.

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Thing is though, if you move there for work, you're more likely then not to find yourself in your ex's company if you have mutual friends so try to accept that and get on with getting to the stage of indifference to her before you get there.

 

Good luck.

 

Common themes to the answers on your thread...

 

As far as my questions - I reread your post and see that you were the one to break up with her.

 

Despite the fact that you decided to leave the relationship, you seem to still hold onto emotional ties.

 

Time for you to work on healing and moving beyond this relationship. It will take time and intention on your part.

 

As far as asking your friend to keep your conversations in confidence - don't even bother going there. Chances are she already shared with her anyhow. And just by saying something, you reveal (indirectly) to your ex that you care about what she thinks. And that gives her emotional power over you, possibly fortified by your mutual friend.

 

Just don't confide with your mutual friend anymore.

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Well, I wouldn't care if the mutual friend knew I still had lingering feelings. I'd still not want her betraying any confidences but that's just me. I suppose Op will decide on what he thinks will be in his best interests.

 

I agree. But he has no control over what she shares. I guess he can try, by asking.

 

Good luck, OP.

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This friend and I have not talk about how I've been feeling about my ex since the break up, so the most my friend could be telling my ex would be what I'm up to and if I'm seeing/dating anyone. And I just don't like the idea of knowing my ex can find out about my life through my friend, maybe I'm just not over my ex, otherwise I wouldn't care like you said.

 

I'm still deciding on the two suggested approaches for when I see my friend in person. I like the idea of making clear boundaries, to make it clear cause she's my friend and I should be able to trust her and tell her things.

But I also feel like maybe I should just leave it. I think it is a good point that if I was truly over her then I wouldn't have started this thread. Who my friend and my ex hang out with and what they talk about doesn't matter. And to get over my ex is my ultimate goal so I should just leave it and pretend that I don't care. Fake it til you make it?

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It would be best to make other arrangements with other friends, a motel, bnb whatever. She does't seemed too enthused about hosting you in the first place and the added "weirdness" of her friendship with your ex only complicates things further.

 

Many business/job pursuing travel expenses are tax deducible. Keep receipts of your food, lodging, travel expenses. Start searching for cheap motels, bnb accommodations, etc and all your problems will resolve.

I will be staying at one of my friends' place. My friend told me she'll be busy most nights after work when I'm there, I joked saying she has so many dates, then she told me "I actually have a dinner arranged with my ex, I've hung out with her a bit since I've moved down here, I hope that's not an issue with you"
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It would be best to make other arrangements with other friends, a motel, bnb whatever. She does't seemed too enthused about hosting you in the first place and the added "weirdness" of her friendship with your ex only complicates things further.

 

Many business/job pursuing travel expenses are tax deducible. Keep receipts of your food, lodging, travel expenses. Start searching for cheap motels, bnb accommodations, etc and all your problems will resolve.

 

I only asked my friend a few days before I'm heading to the city and I'll only be staying for 3 nights, so I think its fair that she has plans and things arranged for herself on the nights after work?

 

It is awkward/weird when my friend is friends with my ex, but I think it's fine if that's what my friend wants. I also don't want to create a scene/make it seem immature that I refuse to stay at my friend's because she is hanging out with my ex? Ultimately I don't want to "lose" my friend because of my ex.

 

Am I thinking on the right path?

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Since we don't get to control our friends or exes, I'd just ask all of my friends to avoid telling me anything about my ex.

 

Boom. Done.

 

Would you tell your friends not to give your exes updates about you? Or certain things like dating life?

 

I just feel weird how my ex can potentially get updates on me through my friend, especially since I've been NC with her since day 1.

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And yet you are staying with her friend refusing to maintain your privacy.

 

But she's also my friend, I've known her longer than my ex and I don't want to ruin our friendship because of her.

My friend can always get updates on me from our friend group so I don't think I'll achieve much by not staying at my friend's?

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That's fine, of course maintain your friendship with your friends, but if you feel she may gossip about you with your ex specifically then you may want to filter your info for now. Or adopt a 'we broke up, who cares?' attitude for yourself. Which is a better option for the long run.

But she's also my friend, I've known her longer than my ex and I don't want to ruin our friendship because of her.
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That's fine, of course maintain your friendship with your friends, but if you feel she may gossip about you with your ex specifically then you may want to filter your info for now. Or adopt a 'we broke up, who cares?' attitude for yourself. Which is a better option for the long run.

 

Thanks for the reply Wiseman. Hope you don't feel like I'm not taking in your advice, I'm just on the fence on which approach to go for.

 

I guess knowing that one of my friends is in contact with my ex has set me back on bit on recovery and gave me this weird feeling, especially how I've always been on NC.

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Who cares if your ex knows what you're up to, anyway? How does that hurt you, exactly? I get that you don't want your friend sharing personal details about your life but if you're mentioned in passing, I don't see why it's such a closely-guarded secret (and here's a hint about us ladies and our girlfriends: they've probably already talked about you, more than once) What is it exactly that you don't want your ex to know, or what do you fear she will do with information about you?

 

Look, we can't control our friends. She is free to hang out with your ex if she wants, and I don't see why she should inform you of that. It's not your business, really. You could simply ask her to please not talk about your personal life, but that's about it.

 

You're making a mountain out of a molehill here, from my point of view.

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Who cares if your ex knows what you're up to, anyway? How does that hurt you, exactly? I get that you don't want your friend sharing personal details about your life but if you're mentioned in passing, I don't see why it's such a closely-guarded secret (and here's a hint about us ladies and our girlfriends: they've probably already talked about you, more than once) What is it exactly that you don't want your ex to know, or what do you fear she will do with information about you?

 

Look, we can't control our friends. She is free to hang out with your ex if she wants, and I don't see why she should inform you of that. It's not your business, really. You could simply ask her to please not talk about your personal life, but that's about it.

 

You're making a mountain out of a molehill here, from my point of view.

 

Thanks for replying and it makes total sense, I agree. It doesn't hurt me, it just made me feel "weird".

 

Thinking about it, I feel like it's partly because I've been in total NC with my ex. I blocked her on everything, I don't know and don't care what she's up to, and equally I don't want her to have the privilege to get updates on my life either. It's been working out so well on my side, and by learning that one of my close friends is hanging out with her just made me feel weird, like somehow my ex is back in the picture after so many months have gone by. And the fact that she has a way to find out what I'm up to makes me feel like she has the "upper hand" if that makes sense?

 

But yeah you're right MissCanuck, I'm stressing myself out for no reason.

 

So I'm guessing there's no point to ask my friend to keep our conversations private and not to give my ex updates about me?

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Would you tell your friends not to give your exes updates about you? Or certain things like dating life?

 

I just feel weird how my ex can potentially get updates on me through my friend, especially since I've been NC with her since day 1.

 

Either you trust the friends you keep to use discretion, or the question becomes, "Why are you keeping friends who you don't trust?"

 

If you move forward in ways that make you proud and surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back, then you won't need to worry about what kind of reports get back to your ex. You're busy living your life.

 

Head high.

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I don't know how to ask this politely, so I'll just ask...why do you think your ex would interrogate this friend about your life? Why would your ex even care what goes on in your life?

 

Unless...YOU care about what's going on in HER life and kind of hope she cares about yours. Any truth to that?

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Welcome to the land of broken relationships. People make friends as couples and then couples break up...you might lose people in the process. I exist in a world of people within my family who are not on speaking terms...the rule is, don't talk about them, and we remind each other of this regularly..."do not discuss me with Debbie." I have severed ties with friends (divorce) because of their loyalty and closeness with the ex....the situation was toxic enough to warrant it. It hurt...a lot...why not choose me? We were friends first. I lost family...his, many of whom I adored, but loyalties...dynamics. It happens.

 

The best revenge is living a good life. Don't fret over the fact that what's going on with you is discussed once in awhile. Gossip...no...basic discussion? Let it go.

 

You may have to make the painful decision to remove yourself from people who remain loyal and close with your ex. You can't demand they make a choice and choose you. You have to decide what works best for you, and if your association with your friend creates a toxic triangle of crap, then this friend is not a friend.

 

Good friends have class and discretion. Toxic friends thrive on drama and anger and feed into the ex-frenzy of toxicity and bitter, angry hatred.

 

Basic discussion should be a non-issue. You don't exist in a vacuum. You will come up once in awhile, as will she.

 

Toxic hatred requires a split.

 

You should be able to have a conversation about your personal boundaries about what your friend shares with your ex. A good friend is already doing this and doesn't need your specific direction, but is happy to assure you, you have no need to worry, no trash-talk, no highly personal details.

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So I'm guessing there's no point to ask my friend to keep our conversations private and not to give my ex updates about me?

 

No, I think this is a reasonable enough request.

 

But feeling your ex has the upper hand if she happens to know something about her life says more about where your heart and mind are at than hers. She likely doesn't care that much at this point, but maybe that's what bothers you. Would you be disappointed if you found out she didn't ask about you at all?

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The reason why I think my ex would care and ask my friend about my life is because she has been using every possible way to get in contact with me since the break up. Because she realised she's blocked everywhere, she asked her best friend to relay a message to me once, and also messaged my family, flat mate and couple of my friends to ask them to get me to speak to her, with last time being Christmas eve when she texted my mother. That's why I think there's a high change that she would be asking my friend about me.

 

I honestly would prefer my ex didn't ask about me at all, or if she did and my friend didn't tell her anything.

 

But all your replies have been very helpful and I realised I'm just stressing over nothing. I will simply ask my friend not to give my ex updates about me once and move on.

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Your people should be given the heads up that you want no contact with her...or do you?

Because she realised she's blocked everywhere, she asked her best friend to relay a message to me once, and also messaged my family, flat mate and couple of my friends to ask them to get me to speak to her, with last time being Christmas eve when she texted my mother.
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