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Thread: My friend is friends with my ex

  1. #21
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    I don't know how to ask this politely, so I'll just ask...why do you think your ex would interrogate this friend about your life? Why would your ex even care what goes on in your life?

    Unless...YOU care about what's going on in HER life and kind of hope she cares about yours. Any truth to that?

  2. #22
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    Welcome to the land of broken relationships. People make friends as couples and then couples break up...you might lose people in the process. I exist in a world of people within my family who are not on speaking terms...the rule is, don't talk about them, and we remind each other of this regularly..."do not discuss me with Debbie." I have severed ties with friends (divorce) because of their loyalty and closeness with the ex....the situation was toxic enough to warrant it. It hurt...a lot...why not choose me? We were friends first. I lost family...his, many of whom I adored, but loyalties...dynamics. It happens.

    The best revenge is living a good life. Don't fret over the fact that what's going on with you is discussed once in awhile. Gossip...no...basic discussion? Let it go.

    You may have to make the painful decision to remove yourself from people who remain loyal and close with your ex. You can't demand they make a choice and choose you. You have to decide what works best for you, and if your association with your friend creates a toxic triangle of crap, then this friend is not a friend.

    Good friends have class and discretion. Toxic friends thrive on drama and anger and feed into the ex-frenzy of toxicity and bitter, angry hatred.

    Basic discussion should be a non-issue. You don't exist in a vacuum. You will come up once in awhile, as will she.

    Toxic hatred requires a split.

    You should be able to have a conversation about your personal boundaries about what your friend shares with your ex. A good friend is already doing this and doesn't need your specific direction, but is happy to assure you, you have no need to worry, no trash-talk, no highly personal details.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by tom21
    So I'm guessing there's no point to ask my friend to keep our conversations private and not to give my ex updates about me?
    No, I think this is a reasonable enough request.

    But feeling your ex has the upper hand if she happens to know something about her life says more about where your heart and mind are at than hers. She likely doesn't care that much at this point, but maybe that's what bothers you. Would you be disappointed if you found out she didn't ask about you at all?

  4. #24
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    The reason why I think my ex would care and ask my friend about my life is because she has been using every possible way to get in contact with me since the break up. Because she realised she's blocked everywhere, she asked her best friend to relay a message to me once, and also messaged my family, flat mate and couple of my friends to ask them to get me to speak to her, with last time being Christmas eve when she texted my mother. That's why I think there's a high change that she would be asking my friend about me.

    I honestly would prefer my ex didn't ask about me at all, or if she did and my friend didn't tell her anything.

    But all your replies have been very helpful and I realised I'm just stressing over nothing. I will simply ask my friend not to give my ex updates about me once and move on.

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  6. #25
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    Your people should be given the heads up that you want no contact with her...or do you?
    Originally Posted by tom21
    Because she realised she's blocked everywhere, she asked her best friend to relay a message to me once, and also messaged my family, flat mate and couple of my friends to ask them to get me to speak to her, with last time being Christmas eve when she texted my mother.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by tom21
    I broke up with my ex in May last year. Since then I've been in strict NC, I blocked her on everything. She tried a lot of ways to get a response from me but I never reply to her. I don't plan to get in contact or meet her ever again. She's in the past.

    I have this group of friends who I met at university and I introduced my ex to them when we were in relationship. She moved to a city 6 hours drive away for work before we broke up. She's currently still there, and a few of my friends also moved to the same city as her for jobs after Summer.

    Recently I've also been applying for jobs in that city (it's a big city and where the jobs are), I have an interview this week so I planned a trip there and I will be staying at one of my friends' place. My friend told me she'll be busy most nights after work when I'm there, I joked saying she has so many dates, then she told me "I actually have a dinner arranged with my ex, I've hung out with her a bit since I've moved down here, I hope that's not an issue with you"

    After reading that I feel really weird inside my head, I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm not mad or angry that they're hanging out. But she's my friend who I knew for years before my I met my ex. Shouldn't her at least let me know when they were arranging to meet the first time? I wouldn't stop my friend meeting up with my ex, she's an adult, she can decide what to do in her life.

    On one hand I feel like this is fine, they met when I was still in a relationship with my ex, and they are just hanging out as friends after we broke up. But on the other hand, I feel that my friend has disrespected me for hanging out with my ex "behind my back", and never told me until now. I spoke to my friend after my ex and I broke up because I trust her, I wouldn't speak to her about it if I knew my friend and my ex would be in contact.

    So yeah I'm just feeling weird. Am i being immature?
    Short answer, yes. It might be awkward and weird, but no one is dissing you. Things like this happen. Be above the hurt feelings and be good to people, even if sometimes they don't deserve it.

  8. #27
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    not immature.. but people make their own choices about who they are friends with. you have to decide if someone being friends with your ex is a deal breaker. As long as they arent sharing info back and forth, it shouldnt be a problem.... or is it?

  9. 03-06-2019, 04:10 AM
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