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Thread: My friend is friends with my ex

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It would be best to make other arrangements with other friends, a motel, bnb whatever. She does't seemed too enthused about hosting you in the first place and the added "weirdness" of her friendship with your ex only complicates things further.

    Many business/job pursuing travel expenses are tax deducible. Keep receipts of your food, lodging, travel expenses. Start searching for cheap motels, bnb accommodations, etc and all your problems will resolve.
    I only asked my friend a few days before I'm heading to the city and I'll only be staying for 3 nights, so I think its fair that she has plans and things arranged for herself on the nights after work?

    It is awkward/weird when my friend is friends with my ex, but I think it's fine if that's what my friend wants. I also don't want to create a scene/make it seem immature that I refuse to stay at my friend's because she is hanging out with my ex? Ultimately I don't want to "lose" my friend because of my ex.

    Am I thinking on the right path?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Since we don't get to control our friends or exes, I'd just ask all of my friends to avoid telling me anything about my ex.

    Boom. Done.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Since we don't get to control our friends or exes, I'd just ask all of my friends to avoid telling me anything about my ex.

    Boom. Done.
    Would you tell your friends not to give your exes updates about you? Or certain things like dating life?

    I just feel weird how my ex can potentially get updates on me through my friend, especially since I've been NC with her since day 1.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    And yet you are staying with her friend refusing to maintain your privacy.
    Originally Posted by tom21
    I just feel weird how my ex can potentially get updates on me through my friend, especially since I've been NC with her since day 1.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    And yet you are staying with her friend refusing to maintain your privacy.
    But she's also my friend, I've known her longer than my ex and I don't want to ruin our friendship because of her.
    My friend can always get updates on me from our friend group so I don't think I'll achieve much by not staying at my friend's?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That's fine, of course maintain your friendship with your friends, but if you feel she may gossip about you with your ex specifically then you may want to filter your info for now. Or adopt a 'we broke up, who cares?' attitude for yourself. Which is a better option for the long run.
    Originally Posted by tom21
    But she's also my friend, I've known her longer than my ex and I don't want to ruin our friendship because of her.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    That's fine, of course maintain your friendship with your friends, but if you feel she may gossip about you with your ex specifically then you may want to filter your info for now. Or adopt a 'we broke up, who cares?' attitude for yourself. Which is a better option for the long run.
    Thanks for the reply Wiseman. Hope you don't feel like I'm not taking in your advice, I'm just on the fence on which approach to go for.

    I guess knowing that one of my friends is in contact with my ex has set me back on bit on recovery and gave me this weird feeling, especially how I've always been on NC.

  9. #18
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    Who cares if your ex knows what you're up to, anyway? How does that hurt you, exactly? I get that you don't want your friend sharing personal details about your life but if you're mentioned in passing, I don't see why it's such a closely-guarded secret (and here's a hint about us ladies and our girlfriends: they've probably already talked about you, more than once) What is it exactly that you don't want your ex to know, or what do you fear she will do with information about you?

    Look, we can't control our friends. She is free to hang out with your ex if she wants, and I don't see why she should inform you of that. It's not your business, really. You could simply ask her to please not talk about your personal life, but that's about it.

    You're making a mountain out of a molehill here, from my point of view.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Who cares if your ex knows what you're up to, anyway? How does that hurt you, exactly? I get that you don't want your friend sharing personal details about your life but if you're mentioned in passing, I don't see why it's such a closely-guarded secret (and here's a hint about us ladies and our girlfriends: they've probably already talked about you, more than once) What is it exactly that you don't want your ex to know, or what do you fear she will do with information about you?

    Look, we can't control our friends. She is free to hang out with your ex if she wants, and I don't see why she should inform you of that. It's not your business, really. You could simply ask her to please not talk about your personal life, but that's about it.

    You're making a mountain out of a molehill here, from my point of view.
    Thanks for replying and it makes total sense, I agree. It doesn't hurt me, it just made me feel "weird".

    Thinking about it, I feel like it's partly because I've been in total NC with my ex. I blocked her on everything, I don't know and don't care what she's up to, and equally I don't want her to have the privilege to get updates on my life either. It's been working out so well on my side, and by learning that one of my close friends is hanging out with her just made me feel weird, like somehow my ex is back in the picture after so many months have gone by. And the fact that she has a way to find out what I'm up to makes me feel like she has the "upper hand" if that makes sense?

    But yeah you're right MissCanuck, I'm stressing myself out for no reason.

    So I'm guessing there's no point to ask my friend to keep our conversations private and not to give my ex updates about me?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tom21
    Would you tell your friends not to give your exes updates about you? Or certain things like dating life?

    I just feel weird how my ex can potentially get updates on me through my friend, especially since I've been NC with her since day 1.
    Either you trust the friends you keep to use discretion, or the question becomes, "Why are you keeping friends who you don't trust?"

    If you move forward in ways that make you proud and surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back, then you won't need to worry about what kind of reports get back to your ex. You're busy living your life.

    Head high.

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