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Thread: My friend is friends with my ex

  1. #1
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    My friend is friends with my ex

    I broke up with my ex in May last year. Since then I've been in strict NC, I blocked her on everything. She tried a lot of ways to get a response from me but I never reply to her. I don't plan to get in contact or meet her ever again. She's in the past.

    I have this group of friends who I met at university and I introduced my ex to them when we were in relationship. She moved to a city 6 hours drive away for work before we broke up. She's currently still there, and a few of my friends also moved to the same city as her for jobs after Summer.

    Recently I've also been applying for jobs in that city (it's a big city and where the jobs are), I have an interview this week so I planned a trip there and I will be staying at one of my friends' place. My friend told me she'll be busy most nights after work when I'm there, I joked saying she has so many dates, then she told me "I actually have a dinner arranged with my ex, I've hung out with her a bit since I've moved down here, I hope that's not an issue with you"

    After reading that I feel really weird inside my head, I just don't know how to feel about it. I'm not mad or angry that they're hanging out. But she's my friend who I knew for years before my I met my ex. Shouldn't her at least let me know when they were arranging to meet the first time? I wouldn't stop my friend meeting up with my ex, she's an adult, she can decide what to do in her life.

    On one hand I feel like this is fine, they met when I was still in a relationship with my ex, and they are just hanging out as friends after we broke up. But on the other hand, I feel that my friend has disrespected me for hanging out with my ex "behind my back", and never told me until now. I spoke to my friend after my ex and I broke up because I trust her, I wouldn't speak to her about it if I knew my friend and my ex would be in contact.

    So yeah I'm just feeling weird. Am i being immature?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well, the opposite of love is indifference and you're not at the stage of indifference quite yet if you don't want your friends associating with your ex.

    Are you feeling that your friend is being disloyal to you by keeping your ex as a friend?

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Well, the opposite of love is indifference and you're not at the stage of indifference quite yet if you don't want your friends associating with your ex.

    Are you feeling that your friend is being disloyal to you by keeping your ex as a friend?
    I feel more disrespected that my friend didn't tell me she was meeting up with my ex.
    I'm fine with them meeting up, I just don't like the idea of my ex having a way/channel to get updates about on me, knowing what I'm up to. I feel like if I knew my friend was meeting up with my ex, I would hold back on what I tell my friend.

    But yeah, I guess you're right that I'm not at the indifference stage yet, that's why I care what my ex know about me.

    Should I even bother to bring this up when I see my friend? Or just let it be?

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If it were me, I'd say: Now that I know you and *EX* are friends still, I'd really appreciate it if you kept confident what you and I discuss as well as not giving her any updates about me and I really don't want to know anything about her either."

    Thing is though, if you move there for work, you're more likely then not to find yourself in your ex's company if you have mutual friends so try to accept that and get on with getting to the stage of indifference to her before you get there.

    Good luck.

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    Originally Posted by tom21
    I feel more disrespected that my friend didn't tell me she was meeting up with my ex.

    Should I even bother to bring this up when I see my friend? Or just let it be?
    Your friend (or your ex, for that matter) has no obligation to inform you when she gets to get her with any friend. That's just weird that you would even think she should inform you or ask your opinion.

    You say that you are fine with them meeting up, but your posts indicate otherwise. But again, you have No say in who their friends are.

    I get that it can be awkward. And I also think you are right to watch what you say about your ex around that friend.

    In the end, you may want to distance your self from that friend, so that your can maintain your distance from your ex.

    Your answer to her comment of "I hope it's okay that we hang out" should be "Of course! Who you or my ex hang out with is not my business "

    If you end up getting a job there, you may end up running into your ex (and maybe even her bf), especially if you socialize with your current group of friends. It could get awkward, but you work through it.

    You actually do not sound like you are over your ex at all. Who ended the relationship, and why?

    You will know when you are over her --- when it doesn't matter if you see her or not. You are simply neutral.
    Last edited by luminousone; 02-10-2019 at 08:37 PM.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen

    Thing is though, if you move there for work, you're more likely then not to find yourself in your ex's company if you have mutual friends so try to accept that and get on with getting to the stage of indifference to her before you get there.

    Good luck.
    Common themes to the answers on your thread...

    As far as my questions - I reread your post and see that you were the one to break up with her.

    Despite the fact that you decided to leave the relationship, you seem to still hold onto emotional ties.

    Time for you to work on healing and moving beyond this relationship. It will take time and intention on your part.

    As far as asking your friend to keep your conversations in confidence - don't even bother going there. Chances are she already shared with her anyhow. And just by saying something, you reveal (indirectly) to your ex that you care about what she thinks. And that gives her emotional power over you, possibly fortified by your mutual friend.

    Just don't confide with your mutual friend anymore.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well, I wouldn't care if the mutual friend knew I still had lingering feelings. I'd still not want her betraying any confidences but that's just me. I suppose Op will decide on what he thinks will be in his best interests.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Well, I wouldn't care if the mutual friend knew I still had lingering feelings. I'd still not want her betraying any confidences but that's just me. I suppose Op will decide on what he thinks will be in his best interests.
    I agree. But he has no control over what she shares. I guess he can try, by asking.

    Good luck, OP.

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    This friend and I have not talk about how I've been feeling about my ex since the break up, so the most my friend could be telling my ex would be what I'm up to and if I'm seeing/dating anyone. And I just don't like the idea of knowing my ex can find out about my life through my friend, maybe I'm just not over my ex, otherwise I wouldn't care like you said.

    I'm still deciding on the two suggested approaches for when I see my friend in person. I like the idea of making clear boundaries, to make it clear cause she's my friend and I should be able to trust her and tell her things.
    But I also feel like maybe I should just leave it. I think it is a good point that if I was truly over her then I wouldn't have started this thread. Who my friend and my ex hang out with and what they talk about doesn't matter. And to get over my ex is my ultimate goal so I should just leave it and pretend that I don't care. Fake it til you make it?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It would be best to make other arrangements with other friends, a motel, bnb whatever. She does't seemed too enthused about hosting you in the first place and the added "weirdness" of her friendship with your ex only complicates things further.

    Many business/job pursuing travel expenses are tax deducible. Keep receipts of your food, lodging, travel expenses. Start searching for cheap motels, bnb accommodations, etc and all your problems will resolve.
    Originally Posted by tom21
    I will be staying at one of my friends' place. My friend told me she'll be busy most nights after work when I'm there, I joked saying she has so many dates, then she told me "I actually have a dinner arranged with my ex, I've hung out with her a bit since I've moved down here, I hope that's not an issue with you"

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