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My gf stayed in contact with a guy she shouldn't have


Matbon

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My gf stayed in contact and was friends with a guy she was flirting with and sexting before me. They had not had sex or met privately. The guy had a gf at the time which she knew about and had met her briefly. They met at work and were in contact. They messaged eachother (I knew they were messaging, but didn't know the past info). I believe she was in love with me at the time we were dating and didn't have any other feelings for this guy. None of their conversations after we became exclusive were inappropiate.

 

She has said she never had any feelings for him. That he was there at the right time to give her self esteem after she had ended an abusive relationship. I'm hurt by this and feel betrayed. I had contact with this guy he was friendly to me, but now i question his intentions.

 

She is extrenely sorry and has stopped all communication with him. I'm disappointed she has lied and that she got involved with another man who was in a relationship even if she was single at the time. Please give advice.

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She lied and enabled cheating. Are these deal breakers for you? If yes, then it's best to break up. If on the other hand you feel that you can get past this then you can forgive her, agree on boundaries regarding such situations and move on. How did you find out about it?

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I think the fact that she was willing to engage in sexting with a guy who she knew was in a relationship is very concerning. I would be asking her questions about why/how she was able to rationalize that as something that was okay to do.

 

Beyond that, if she wants to maintain a friendship with someone she met before you, who are you to say anything about it? You said nothing in their texts was inappropriate once she became exclusive with you, she volunteered to share her history with this guy (which was none of your business by the way), so why are you trying to control who she talks to or texts? You’re not her boss.

 

Also, what did she lie about?? Nothing in your post suggests she lied?? If she chose not to divulge her history with the guy prior to you asking, that’s not lying. That is HER past, which is HER business. She can share with you what she wants to, but you are not entitled to know all of her history. If she decides she doesn’t want to share personal/intimate details about her past, she’s fully within her rights not to share. Either you trust that she’s going to be faithful and respectful now that she’s exclusive with you, or you don’t date her.

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You either have to get over it or break up. You also need to stop snooping, interrogating and judging things that happened well before you came about and that have nothing to do with you and can't be changed. At this point you are simply holding it over her head in an almost abusive power hungry fashion.

Me and my gf have been going out for close to a year. I found out that before i was involved that she was messaging a taken man who was her sports coach. They never had sex.

 

When she started dating me she stopped all the flirting and only spoke to him about training.

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Why would that concern you?? He’s been nothing but respectful of you and your relationship. There is nothing there for you to be concerned about. Their past is the past, and you don’t have the right to hold anyone’s past over their head.

 

You don't see the problem between me, my gf, the fella and the girl he cheated on sitting around a table socialising when I'm none the wiser what's gone on before?

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No, not at all. Just because people had sex in their lifetime doesn’t mean they can’t ever be around each other without ripping their clothes off. I can see this bothering an immature 17 year old, but not a mature adult.

 

Who gives a sh*t what has gone on BEFORE?? What matters is that she’s being respectful NOW. Leave the past in the past or be prepared to live with insecurity.

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No, not at all. Just because people had sex in their lifetime doesn’t mean they can’t ever be around each other without ripping their clothes off. I can see this bothering an immature 17 year old, but not a mature adult.

 

Who gives a sh*t what has gone on BEFORE?? What matters is that she’s being respectful NOW. Leave the past in the past or be prepared to live with insecurity.

 

They didn't have sex. I just think it's extremely insensitive to sit there in front of me and a guys gf that you did something pretty nasty too and laugh, joke and socialise like nothing happened.

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Well then you are going to have a lot of stress in your life over past incidents that no one can go back and change. Everyone has a past, there’s no point in punishing people for them.

 

Now that you’ve been made aware, all that has happened is you have become insecure and controlling, your gf has her past held over her head, and your trust/relationship has become rocky. She never should have told you, it wasn’t your business and you wouldn’t be feeling this way. Maybe you’d even have a new friend (the guy). There’s no point in all this drama, life goes on, let it go.

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Well then you are going to have a lot of stress in your life over past incidents that no one can go back and change. Everyone has a past, there’s no point in punishing people for them.

 

Now that you’ve been made aware, all that has happened is you have become insecure and controlling, your gf has her past held over her head, and your trust/relationship has become rocky. She never should have told you, it wasn’t your business and you wouldn’t be feeling this way. Maybe you’d even have a new friend (the guy). There’s no point in all this drama, life goes on, let it go.

 

I can see where your coming from but I don't want to be friends with a scumbag who cheats on his gf and has pictures of my gf. My gf had said beforehand she didnt want me to have contact with anyone I'd had any interest before so I'm sure you can see the double standard. She has apologised for that and we've moved on.

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That was wrong of your girlfriend, and it’s wrong of you.

 

You should embrace your partners past, it made them who they are. It helped shape them into the person you love. Your girlfriends past experiences led her to you.

 

Besides, nothing can be done to change the past, so feeling any type of way about it is literally just wasting energy. If you want to have a successful, healthy relationship, then focus on who your partner is TODAY, and make them feel so loved that they don’t feel threatened at all by your past. If you want to be together then just love each other, and quit finding stupid petty things to cause arguments. That’s exactly how relationships become toxic.

 

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

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Yikes! Get a grip. If you can't...stop socializing with this trainer and his gf or....just break up.

 

We dont socialise with them. There's no contact, but do you not think it's a horrible move to be friendly and nice to a girl and then go home and sext and send pics to her bf? Then afterwards, once you have a new bf socialise all together as friends and not bat an eyelid, not feel any guilt or not find a way to avoid the situation?

 

I know what your saying. Quit moaning, move on and I will because I love her. I don't hold this over her head anymore. Its not mentioned. It's just hard to get over completely and I have anxiety which I'm sure you can tell from my posts so it just pops into my head sometimes. Maybe i do build it up. I'm not nasty or manipulative. I wish this hadn't happened. I wish I had never had found out, but it did and I can't help but lose a small bit of respect because her choices, which could of really hurt someone else ( his gf).

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but do you not think it's a horrible move to be friendly and nice to a girl and then go home and sext and send pics to her bf? Then afterwards, once you have a new bf socialise all together as friends and not bat an eyelid, not feel any guilt or not find a way to avoid the situation?

 

Yes, I do think that was pretty mean of your girlfriend. And THAT’S the behavior you should address: the fact that she’s willing to treat other people that way. Address it by asking her questions, why she did that, how she’d feel if someone did that to her, etc. But giving her rules (like no talking to people she’s sexted with) is never the answer, and will only make your relationship worse.

 

And while you may have anxiety, I can tell by your reposes that you’re open to growth and a change of mindset. That will get you far. Always learn, always grow, compromise when you need to, and you’ll have a very happy life and relationship.

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Yes, I do think that was pretty mean of your girlfriend. And THAT’S the behavior you should address: the fact that she’s willing to treat other people that way. Address it by asking her questions, why she did that, how she’d feel if someone did that to her, etc. But giving her rules (like no talking to people she’s sexted with) is never the answer, and will only make your relationship worse.

 

And while you may have anxiety, I can tell by your reposes that you’re open to growth and a change of mindset. That will get you far. Always learn, always grow, compromise when you need to, and you’ll have a very happy life and relationship.

 

Thankyou for your advice

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