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Thoughts On Women Approaching Men


katrina1980

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I was just reading some very interesting posts from a man on another forum, a man who appears quite attractive and confident, intelligent, successful with women, who refuses to be the first to approach a woman.

 

In fact, to quote him verbatim he said:

 

"In order for me to feel attraction for a woman, I've got to feel desired, and a woman sending smoke signals to me when we are so close our noses could touch if I leaned over, turns me off massively no matter how attractive she is.

 

In the same vein, I will find a lesser aesthetically attractive girl more attractive if she approaches me because she shows herself to go after what she wants, and that makes me feel wanted, valuable and sexually desired."

 

A female poster chimed back saying it was weak, that he lacks courage, and it was more about his ego not getting quashed if she were to reject him.

 

He of course chimed back saying:

 

"No, it has nothing to do with my ego getting crushed and all about wanting to know if a girl desires me and is of "high quality" for a relationship."

 

He claimed his mum approached his dad and if she had not, they never would have gotten together at all, and this is, in part, where he developed this attitude.

 

It apparently works quite well for him, he also admits to being not the most aesthetically attractive man around, no Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise in their younger years, but attractive in his own right.

 

He also admits to be below average height at 5'7" yet apparently he gets approached quite often, and is very successful with the ladies!

 

They start the process of approaching, he then knows they desire him, and HE takes it from there.

 

I dunno, I thought this was interesting!! Unconventional for sure, but in a way I see his point.

 

I am in a RL, but if God forbid something were to happen and I became single again, I might even try it that way!

 

I believe the dating site Bumble does it this way, where the woman is the first to make initial contact.

 

Some people swear by this and claim it works out quite well, better even than the more conventional way of men making first contact, first approach.

 

Thoughts??

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Another post from him:

 

"If you are attracted to me, ask me out. You don't have to make a show of it, just ask me out for a cup of coffee. Don't sit around playing with your hair and smiling and then expect me to go up to you and talk to you."

 

Lol, not sure why but I am finding this no-nosense attitude quite intrguing!

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People will always have different experiences, good and bad, when trying this out. For some reason it's never worked for me whether in trying for romantic relationships or even platonic friendships with females. I'm the type to not sit around and wait for life to happen, but it's worked out that people have had to pursue me in romance and friendship for it to work out.

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Another post from him:

 

"If you are attracted to me, ask me out. You don't have to make a show of it, just ask me out for a cup of coffee. Don't sit around playing with your hair and smiling and then expect me to go up to you and talk to you."

 

Lol, not sure why but I am finding this no-nosense attitude quite intrguing!

 

So he doesnt accept a woman who sits around waiting but he himself sits around and waits, you find this intriguing why? Its a hang up Kat. Im curious how you dont see that. In 2019 its a hang up if a woman does it its a hang up if a man does it, red flags! You like someone approach them. Man, woman, black, white, potato, lettuce. A hang up is a hang up is a hang up.

 

Serious question.

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I have approached men before. However, I find men who approach me to be more attractive. Probably for the same reasons that he finds forward-women attractive.

 

Because a man approaching you first makes you feel desired and wanted?

 

Yes I agree, but then again many men may find you very desirable but not approach you.

 

In fact, sometimes the more desirable a woman is, the less she gets approached.

 

Because either the man is intimidated (this guy admitted that to be the case sometimes), or he is weak and fears rejection (in which case you probably would not want a man like this in the first place).

 

I dunno, some of his posts were a bit contradictory but in general I understood his point.

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So he doesnt accept a woman who sits around waiting but he himself sits around and waits, you find this intriguing why? Its a hang up Kat. Im curious how you dont see that. In 2019 its a hang up if a woman does it its a hang up if a man does it, red flags! You like someone approach them. Man, woman, black, white, potato, lettuce. A hang up is a hang up is a hang up.

 

Serious question.

 

Good question but I think it's more about his style of posting, the confidence even a bit of cockiness if you will.

 

He just seemed damn sure of himself which I rarely see on these forums from men. No nonsense

 

But yeah good question! I will have to explore this further within myself, thanks for calling me on it!

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I think another reason I was so intrigued was because by admitting he needs to feel desired and wanted, he was expressing a vulnerability, not in a weak way, but in a confident way. And I admire that.

 

I actually see nothing wrong with him feeling turned off if a woman sends signals she is interested, but expecting him to approach.

 

Or being too fearful to approach.

 

It's the same reason women get turned off by some men.

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Because a man approaching you first makes you feel desired and wanted?

 

Yes I agree, but then again many men may find you very desirable but not approach you.

 

It shows that he goes for what he wants. I like to see courage. I'm not a big fan of guys who settle for whatever, or guys wait around for things to happen to them.

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It goes both ways! The same applies for women or people in general.

 

Thnx dias, this was my point, taken from the guy's point on other forum.

 

No wrong or right, no one is weak or has "issues" because they prefer to be approached rather than approach themselves.

 

Man or woman.

 

This thread was more about how women feel about doing the approaching.

 

And how men need to feel desired and wanted too, same as women do.

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Basically I think if we want to make the most of dating and increasing options, we should all do more approaching!

 

You find someone attractive, strike up a casual conversation, see where it leads.

 

I've been advocating this since forever! Basically, do not get hung up on roles. I find that anyone sufficiently motivated to get to know someone, will make an attempt to spark something up.

There are nuances to two people finding out if there's chemistry. If you can flow back and forth to approaching and sending signals of interest, you have an advantage ( regardless of gender or sexual orientation). Both teach you ways to not only read people, but to take rejection in healthy stride.

 

The hottest thing to me, and I would think most people, is when you aren't even thinking who approached who because the heat and spark is sizzling both ways off the bat. Too much 'work' on either side, and you get these issues where people are so hung up and scared to try anything. It's not just about knowing how to approach or receive one , but when to back off!! Lol

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And how men need to feel desired and wanted too, same as women do.

 

There are two separate things to consider:

1) How men need to feel desired as this hypothetical womanizer says

2)Jib's opinion about people taking action

 

I focused on Jib's opinion. Taking action is something that has nothing to do with genders. Everyone can take initiatives, not only men have this privilege.

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I've been advocating this since forever! Basically, do not get hung up on roles. I find that anyone sufficiently motivated to get to know someone, will make an attempt to spark something up.

There are nuances to two people finding out if there's chemistry. If you can flow back and forth to approaching and sending signals of interest, you have an advantage ( regardless of gender or sexual orientation). Both teach you ways to not only read people, but to take rejection in healthy stride.

 

The hottest thing to me, and I would think most people, is when you aren't even thinking who approached who because the heat and spark is sizzling both ways off the bat. Too much 'work' on either side, and you get these issues where people are so hung up and scared to try anything. It's not just about knowing how to approach or receive one , but when to back off!! Lol

 

Great post and agree, but admittedly in the past I've been hung up on roles and what has been drilled into my head by society in general -- men pursue, women respond.

 

However, to my credit I did "pursue" my bf after he dropped off our communiqué before meeting.

 

Most posters advised me to block and delete, he was not interested, a flake, but I chose to pursue and sent a second message.

 

HE took it from there.

 

I still wonder if it was a bit of a "test" on his part, to determine how interested I was, or to see if I had the confidence and courage to step up myself, but at this point it does not matter.

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I've done the approaching and I've been approached. It's one thing to want someone to take the initiative if they notice you at a bar, coffee shop, or class, and you may not have have yet noticed them. It's another if you've both noticed each other and you want or expect them to make the first move. For me, one's perfectly relatable while the other is something I give neither men nor women a pass for. If you've both exchanged glances and you're scrutinizing someone else's courage or confidence for them not being the one to come to you, that's what I like to call the pot calling the kettle black.

 

We've by and large got it in our heads that men and women are much more fundamentally different than we actually are. Yes, you'll get your odd chauvinist who just *EERRNNNTT* can't fathom the idea of a woman approaching him without something being wrong with her, but good riddance. I'll say with absolute confidence that 9.99 times out of 10, a good and healthy man will absolutely appreciate a woman he's attracted to approaching him just as much as he'd appreciate a free meal.

 

My philosophy has always been that if I like you, I'll go for you. If you like me, I hope you'd go for me. I don't think it should be a game for who takes the first step. If the guy you're referencing created a thread to take the time to outline all of this, it'd definitely be a red flag, in my mind. If he's responding within an appropriate context, I may be more forgiving.

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I've actually never gave it much thought before.

 

I have been approached and I have also been the one to approach. Never had any thoughts on it one way or the other.

 

I just never had any set rules on the matter of if it made someone more or less attractive with who makes the first move.

 

I do wonder though how many great women he's missed out on by having this strict rule.

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I do wonder though how many great women he's missed out on by having this strict rule.

 

Fair question Sherry, I even thought about that.

 

But reading his posts, they weren't great to him, he wasn't attracted to them in the first place.

 

They lacked the qualities he needs -- assertiveness, directness, going after what they want, and making him feel desired.

 

The same things many women need, including myself at one point in time.

 

Funny thing about him was he did not appear to be passive at al!

 

Once they made the initial approach, he was quite aggressive in his pursuit.

 

Interesting character, still wondering if he was a troll. Lol

 

Seemed like he enjoyed controversy, but who knows.

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No it was not his thread j.man, he was only responding on the thread, in context to the topic and other posts.

 

I agree with your post btw.

 

OOOOOOOHHHHHH ok, I thought he created a post to proclaim that he expects women to approach him.

 

Completely changes my impression, well not completely but I no longer see him as a dude in his moms basement covered in cheeto crumbs my bad! I was like who would be attracted to that?!? Makes more sense

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So I have always thought women should approach men and women who want a relationship should put themselves in as many situations as possible that don't require an "approach" -meaning where people are sharing an activity or an interest so conversation just flows naturally and people are expected to "approach" each other so it doesn't matter who does it "first". And when I was dating it was my strong impression that it was best -if you wanted more than a fling -to let a man do more or most of the asking out especially in the beginning. But, yes, show interest, yes approach. Yes, I asked out a number of men and it was not a huge deal -so if it had been a more effective way to find a long term relationship i'd have done it more often (and yes I tended to like more traditional men and yes I was career-oriented and yes I wanted to be a "stay at home mom" someday so that factored into who I dated).

 

I strongly believe my husband and I would not be married had I not approached him first. Mostly on a practical level -although we worked at the same large company we worked in separate departments and floors apart. And, he was really shy back then. So, on his first day of work (and my 30th day or so!) I crossed the conference room where we were gathered to meet and mingle with the newbies because he was standing alone, kind of looking out the window and I'd read his little bio, knew we were the same age and had grown up near each other so I figured it would be nice of me to greet him. I was dating someone at the time so that wasn't the motivation at all. But, it meant that over the next 8 months when we ran into each other at company events, sometimes we would chat a bit since I had broken the ice. I really don't think he would have approached me had we not chatted that first day. But he asked me out first. He was very nervous to do so (partly because it's awkward if you work at the same company) so it was for lunch during the work day. I really didn't know if he meant it as a "date" but I went.

 

When I did online dating sites I contacted many men first and sometimes asked to meet - and I let them ask me out after the first meet. I never felt like a first meet was a date or that a man who asked to meet me was asking me out on a date. I found no difference between who contacted who first when we were strangers or who asked to meet up as far as level of interest toward me for dating.

 

I think it's very rare to see long term happy, healthy relationships where the woman did most of the asking out/calling/contacting in the beginning stages. I also think it's a shame when women passively wait for men to approach them.

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Okay, I have A LOT of thoughts on this.

 

I'll start with your original post, about this guy.

 

My take on him is (a) he's got good game but (b) his game is built, like the other poster said, on a very classic foundation of male weakness and ego fragility. It is limited, and as "successful with the ladies" as he may well be, I suspect his success is limited to a certain subset: thirsty ladies who wear their thirst on their sleeve, since the thing he needs most—more than looks, more than intelligence—is to feel wanted. Is to feel, in short, like he can quench that thirst.

 

So, no, he is not really attracted to the noble qualities you outlined, K: directness, knowing what they want, and so on. The trick is that he can come off that way—and even trick himself into thinking he's that way—which is very appealing in the eyes of a woman. She thinks he is into her for her power, and thus feels empowered, all the more so because, lo and behold, she is the one making the big moves, doing the "approaching."

 

But what he's into, above all, is whether or not she is into him. He needs attention, and lots of it. He needs that to feel confident because, as Clio points out, beneath it all is a lack of confidence and self-assuredness that he has deftly learned to transform into game.

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