Jump to content

Is this relationship destined to fail?


rcphill

Recommended Posts

I recently started dating someone who I met online. He is actually a really great person - kind, loyal, caring, and would do anything to keep me happy. He has a stable job (although not a career) and supports himself. He evens helps his family out financially and is just a very genuine person all around. When we first started talking and were getting to know each other, I was very interested in him but admittedly was turned off by his lack of education. I'm a doctor and he is a cashier who hates school and has no interest in going to college, so there is a big difference in our philosophy when it comes to school. I loved school and still love to learn. It's not that I think everyone HAS to go to college, but I do find intelligence and love of learning a turn on. I want someone who can keep up with conversation when I talk. For instance, I met my ex when I was in medical school and while he only had a few years of college under his belt, he was able to keep up with me talking about things I was learning and showed great interest in me explaining things or talking about my classes. (Side note - although I compare my ex to him, I am really only pointing out the very few good qualities he had and do not have any residual feelings for him at all. He had plenty of negative qualities, hence why he is my ex). The new guy however does not seem to be interested in what I have to say about work. If I bring something up like a dilemma or challenge I'm facing in regards to work, the response is "wow" and he shakes his head no, and then the conversation is over. There is no dialogue or depth. Our conversations are just very superficial and honestly I find myself setting my intelligence aside to make things simpler for him to understand.

 

In addition, he has no ambition even in his personal life. I like to have goals outside of work; I have several hobbies and projects that I like to work on. I own a home so that keeps me busy; I always have something to do on the weekends. But on his days off, he just lays in bed until noon or later, eats, and watches TV. I get up at 630 or 7 and after about an hour of easing into the day, I start to work on my hobbies and passions. He on the other hand never really has anything to do other than clean and grocery shop, and again this is just a huge turn off for me. My ex had passions of his own - he started a small online business and was involved in fitness competitions. And even though those things were not an interest of mine, I still really liked that he had things outside of work that he was passionate about.

 

I realize this all makes me sound like a complete and a snob. I truly do not think I am any better than the guy I'm dating - in fact I know I am way more of a terrible person than he is. I just can't help but find myself annoyed DAILY that our conversations are bland and he generally has no ambition. I can't imagine a lifetime of this, but at the same time I feel like I should try to make it work because he of what a good person he is. But is that enough?

Link to comment
  • Replies 53
  • Created
  • Last Reply
I just can't help but find myself annoyed DAILY that our conversations are bland and he generally has no ambition. I can't imagine a lifetime of this

 

Reread the part above that YOU wrote. You have already answered your own question. Yes, this relationship is destined to fail. You two are fundamentaly different. Many people are good persons. Yet, they are not compatible. You two are not compatible. Stop wasting the poor guy's time. You have fundamentaly different life values. Neither of you is wrong and neither of you is likely to change. The only thing you are liable to accomplish with that inner additude is make him feel inadequate, waste his time and then dump him. P.S. While paying lip service that you "truly do not think you are any better" your post reeks of elitism. Not all people derive the same satisfaction from always chasing after some kind of goal; some are born more laid back and that's ok. This guy is just too different from you to be able to make you happy and him being a good person is not enough.

Link to comment

Honestly, I do not understand why you decided to date this guy. You are not compatible. Do you have any common interests? Also, the fact that he has NO interest in the concerns you have at work, is rude. Why would you chose this guy? I cannot fathom why you would have thought you would be a match!

Link to comment

just because someone is a good person, doesn't mean you have to be with them. people stay in for many different reasons.

 

it sounds like you guys aren't very compatible. in the beginning it can be just about a nice person, but long term you need to feel more than, hey he's nice.

 

I don't think you're being a snob. maybe he feels the same way... like you try too hard, you are more engaged in outside things, you're career is too big....

 

just because someone has less drive, education, or interests doesn't mean they don't like the way they are. he could be content with his life and just think you are super nice, too.

 

if you can't accept that you are watering yourself down, that's a big internal sign to yourself.

 

nice and a good person isn't enough for a romantic relationship in my opinion. just like money and good looks... all these things are subjective and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

focus on what you want... if you want a long term relationship, then cut him loose & keep looking. If you want less, don't commit but make your concerns known.

Link to comment

I'm going to be frank. Not only do you indeed sound like a snob, but for whatever reason, I think to some extent you actually thrive on it. You just wrote an essay pretty much taking a hot, smelly dump all over the guy. It reads like you're talking about a puppy who's cute but is a total pain in the ass rather than anyone you'd consider a peer, never mind a partner.

 

Now bear in mind that your preferences are perfectly fine. Personally, I dropped out when my scholarship and grant funds ran out a semester before graduation because that's just how fundamentally and stubbornly opposed to putting any of my own money into school I was. Ironically enough, I spend 50+ hours on various campuses as it's where the bulk of my contract work lands me, but I digress. I still happened to marry a doctor. We have very different attitudes toward academia, but our attitudes are compatible. I don't believe in putting pants on before 1:00pm on Sundays, and my wife treats brunch with her friends like a weekly holiday. She's Christian; I'n agnostic and completely aspiritual. It works out fine. We respect each other's value systems. Still, I wouldn't have taken any offense if we'd started dating and she were more like you, deciding she needed someone with more academic credentials, who believed in God, who lived for avocado on toast, and thus nexted me.

 

But that last step is kinda essential, and it's what makes the difference between a snob and someone who simply knows what and who they want, and who goes for just that. In your thread last year, you were dating a guy who wasn't Christian or spiritual, and how little he consequently brought to the table. And again, I don't think it's as innocuous as you settling for the first warm body. You're latching onto these guys who at the most fundamental levels are incompatible with you, only for you to internally lord over them. I'd really try to tackle why this is.

Link to comment

Leave this poor guy alone, seriously.

 

He sounds happy and comfortable with who he is and with his life. He doesn't need someone like you judging and criticising him and looking down on him.

Whether you think so or not, you will definitely be thinking he is less than you. It is more than obvious by your tone in your post.

 

It truly is a shame that people judge someone's worth based on if they went to school or not. A decent man or woman shouldn't be judged on their education and to be honest, I think you are far too biased to see it any other way.

 

You will miss out on a lot of good people in this world.

In my personal experience, I don't see education as neither here nor there when it comes to who is a good person and a worthy partner.

There are some brilliant people in this world who are geniuses but are also complete psycho paths. Maybe Hannibal Lector is more your forte, although he probably would out perform you in intelligence to be honest.

 

So truly, education doesn't mean much when judging a person's value (if that's your thing).

Link to comment
While paying lip service that you "truly do not think you are any better" your post reeks of elitism. Not all people derive the same satisfaction from always chasing after some kind of goal; some are born more laid back and that's ok.

 

I am aware that I come across as a total snob. But that's really not my intention. I completely agree that it's okay to not always have a goal to chase after, and sometimes I think a life like that would be way nicer than my hectic, intense, stressful life. But that's just not the kind of person I am. I would never disregard someone as a friend if they had those qualities, but as a life partner...I'm just not sure it's something I can get past. I do thank you for your input though because my dilemma is that I don't know if I should just set aside these expectations that I have (maybe I'm expecting too much and need a reality check) or stand firm in what I want..

Link to comment
Do you have any common interests? Also, the fact that he has NO interest in the concerns you have at work, is rude. Why would you chose this guy?

 

We do have some common interests, but not many. I was attracted to him because we do have a lot of the same fundamental values when it comes to being in a relationship. But I agree that I find it rude for him to not have any interest in my work concerns. I even brought it up that I feel like he doesn't take my work problems seriously and he has gotten a little better, but I still get minimal to no responses from him when I voice my problems with work. I don't know if it's that he has no idea what to say or just doesn't care.

Link to comment
In your thread last year, you were dating a guy who wasn't Christian or spiritual, and how little he consequently brought to the table. And again, I don't think it's as innocuous as you settling for the first warm body. You're latching onto these guys who at the most fundamental levels are incompatible with you, only for you to internally lord over them. I'd really try to tackle why this is.

 

I appreciate your frankness. I know I come across as a terrible person, and trust me I feel terrible for thinking the things that I am thinking. I really do. But this is a good question, and an interesting trend in my life I guess. The thing is, I really don't care whether or not I ever get married. I could take it or leave it, so it's not like I'm desperately searching for someone. Something to think about I suppose.

Link to comment
He doesn't need someone like you judging and criticising him and looking down on him.

Whether you think so or not, you will definitely be thinking he is less than you. It is more than obvious in your tone in your post.

 

It truly is a shame that people judge someone's worth based on if they went to school or not. A decent man or woman shouldn't be judged on their education and to be honest, I think you are far too biased to see it any other way.

 

You will miss out on a lot of good people in this world.

In my personal experience, I don't see education as neither here nor there when it comes to who is a good person and a worthy partner.

There are some brilliant people in this world who are geniuses but are also complete psycho paths. Maybe Hannibal Lector is more your forte, although he probably would out perform you in intelligence to be honest.

 

So truly, education doesn't mean much when judging a person's value (if that's your thing).

 

While I appreciate your reply, I think you are reading my post wrong. I don't think he is lesser than me in ANY way, shape or form. I even said that I know he is a better person (fundamentally) than I am. He is more giving, loving, selfless, and caring than I am. But the thing is, I do need intellectual stimulation in a relationship. And no, a person does not have to go to college and get a degree to provide intellectual stimulation. I would be fine dating someone with lesser education as long as they can engage in a dialogue with me that goes beyond surface level conversation. Like I stated, there are times where I feel that he just doesn't care about me talking about work. My job is VERY stressful - I deal with difficult people and have very long, grueling days - and sometimes I need to just vent and/or get advice from my partner on things. When he just responds with "wow" and shakes his head no, I'm not sure if he just doesn't give a crap (which is not good) or if he just has no input (also not good). Anyway, I really just posted this to see if I should work on myself to get past this, or just be realistic with the things that I require in a relationship despite the fact that he's a super great guy. And I know that no one will have EVERYTHING on the checklist. I may meet someone who checks off the intellectual/educated box, but that is a total a$$, isn't loyal, etc.

Link to comment
I appreciate your frankness. I know I come across as a terrible person, and trust me I feel terrible for thinking the things that I am thinking. I really do. But this is a good question, and an interesting trend in my life I guess. The thing is, I really don't care whether or not I ever get married. I could take it or leave it, so it's not like I'm desperately searching for someone. Something to think about I suppose.

 

First off let me say I do not think you’re a snob, in the least and honestly if you were a man the responses wouldn’t be what they are but this board can be slanted at times so take those critisisms with a grain of salt please.

 

This is probably deeper than you being stuck up or a snob are you possibly going after men beneath you to give you a sense of superiority? jman pointed out the pattern and were not seeing anything but what you post about so it’s a limited yet there was still the same almost exact issues. These men were not your equal and yet you continued to date them.knowing the issues you had with the last man it’s telling you didn’t ensure compatibilities were there when you met this new guy.

 

I’ve dated men who didn’t yet have careers and besides our dates being more on the thrifty side there really wasn’t much lacking, but honestly if I’m on a first date with a guy and he seems dumber than a box of rocks of his finanical goals include winning the lotto, it’s a no go for me and I know for a fact that doesn’t make me a snob. If I’m bringing what I have to the table and all you’re bringing is a cute butt were gonna have some problems.

 

I went on a few dates this past December with someone a friend introduced me to and we got along swimmingly, great chemistry, easy basic conversations, he added me to Facebook. Which honestly never happened before after only a few dates but I saw no harm in it, ironically there was a ton of harm, completely different political views, world views, most importantly moral views. These are things that aren’t easily overlooked over time. There are millions of couples with different religious beliefs different political beliefs different education levels as long as at the core they found a connection that’s what matters but if you know your core is not similar to his core you’re wasting each other’s time.

 

ETA: I bolded that first part felt necessary. A whole lotta projecting.

Link to comment

 

I recently started dating someone who I met online. He is actually a really great person - kind, loyal, caring, and would do anything to keep me happy. He has a stable job (although not a career) and supports himself. He evens helps his family out financially and is just a very genuine person all around.

 

When we first started talking and were getting to know each other, I was very interested in him but admittedly was turned off by his lack of education.

 

 

Well you started off on a positive note^, but then suddenly, as j.man so eloquently stated, you began taking a massive dump all over this man.

 

You were aware of his lack of education going in, so curious as to (1) why you started dating him and (2) what happened that caused you to change your mind.

 

I'll be frank, education means jack sh** as it relates to intelligence, empathy, true compassion and the ability to relate on a personal human level versus cerebral.

 

I briefly dated a highly educated doctor who bored me to death, lacking the last three traits I just mentioned above.

 

I am now dating a man who never made it past high school but is one of the most intelligent, creative, ambitious, caring, men I have ever known. Earns a great living as a photographer and has a number of other of creative pursuits.

 

I've learned a lot, and continue to learn, from him, despite his lack of a higher degree.

 

He also lays around all day watching sports on his days off! Lol. So do I! It's called downtime and we all or most people need it.

 

He can converse with me about anything, challenges me, emotionally and intellectually, more so than any man before him and I've dated lawyers, scientist, doctor.

 

Highly educated, but "meh" and much too cerebral for me, but perhaps this is what you prefer?

 

Anyway fwiw, my advice is to get over yourself and get your priorities straight.

 

If you're truly turned off to him, then end it. Period end of.

 

But I think it's wrong to throw him under the bus the way you did. That he is lacking this, lacking that.

 

You wrote you don't think you're better, but the way your initial post reads, it very much sounds like you think you are.

Link to comment
You were aware of his lack of education going in, so curious as to (1) why you started dating him and (2) what happened that caused you to change your mind.

 

I am now dating a man who never made it past high school but is one of the most intelligent, creative, ambitious, caring, men I have ever known. Earns a great living as a photographer and has a number of other of creative pursuits.

 

He can converse with me about anything, challenges me, emotionally and intellectually, more so than any man before him and I've dated lawyers, scientist, doctor.

 

Well I mean it seems like YOU found a winner, but did you read my entire post? I'm not so concerned about the lack of education but rather the inability to hold a conversation and the lack of ANY hobbies, interests or ambitions. Would that not also be a problem for you if you dated someone like this? I assume it would, because it seems that the person you are dating has ambition (as you said), hobbies/passions (photography), can talk about anything (as you said), etc. I tried dating him because I WAS looking past the lack of education. But what I have found, and what has caused me to question it, is a lack of ability to talk about anything other than what we watched on TV that day, what we ate for dinner, etc. I'm here trying to see if I should just "get over" the fact that we aren't able to have anything more than surface level conversation, or if it's something I have to realize that I can't compromise on. But apparently I'm just a giant snob who only cares about education. NOT the case btw. If I didn't give a crap, I wouldn't be here debating on whether or not to end the relationship.

Link to comment
Would that not also be a problem for you if you dated someone like this?

 

Like what? He doesn't share the same interests as you do. He is happy to do his own thing and doesn't have the same goals or hobbies as you.

That doesn't mean he is less worthy or that he wouldn't be a great partner. or that he is less interesting.

 

It means he is different than you but not less than!!

Link to comment
Were you turned off by his lack of formal education, or by his lack of knowledge?

 

Definitely just the lack of knowledge. I've said some things to him that I feel are pretty common place and I get a question mark back (via text), or a blank stare/no response in person. I really don't care about number of years spent in school. There are plenty of people out there who are intelligent (likely even way smarter than I am) that have zero formal education.

Link to comment
Like what?

 

Put yourself in this scenario - your significant other goes to work, comes home and watches TV, goes to sleep. Same thing 5 days in a row. On the weekends, stays in bed all day, watches TV, goes to sleep to repeat the process for the next week. Zero hobbies, zero interests (other than TV). And when you try to talk about things, you either get a blank stare, there is silence, or just a "wow" as the response. Would you be okay with that if the person was nice, loyal, caring, etc? Or would you find yourself wanting more?

Link to comment
Definitely just the lack of knowledge. I've said some things to him that I feel are pretty common place and I get a question mark back (via text), or a blank stare/no response in person. I really don't care about number of years spent in school. There are plenty of people out there who are intelligent (likely even way smarter than me), and have zero formal education.

 

You are missing an ability to engage in substantive conversation regarding topics of interest to you.

 

This may or may not be fatal; are you able to engage substantively on topics of interest to him?

Link to comment
Well I mean it seems like YOU found a winner, but did you read my entire post? I'm not so concerned about the lack of education but rather the inability to hold a conversation and the lack of ANY hobbies, interests or ambitions. Would that not also be a problem for you if you dated someone like this? I assume it would, because it seems that the person you are dating has ambition (as you said), hobbies/passions (photography), can talk about anything (as you said), etc. I tried dating him because I WAS looking past the lack of education. But what I have found, and what has caused me to question it, is a lack of ability to talk about anything other than what we watched on TV that day, what we ate for dinner, etc. I'm here trying to see if I should just "get over" the fact that we aren't able to have anything more than surface level conversation, or if it's something I have to realize that I can't compromise on. But apparently I'm just a giant snob who only cares about education. NOT the case btw. If I didn't give a crap, I wouldn't be here debating on whether or not to end the relationship.

 

*STANDING OVATION TO THE ORIGINAL POSTER*

 

I’m SO glad you defended yourself, that referenced post was just... yeah.

 

So anyway to get back on track...

 

No, you shouldn’t ‘settle’ if you’re incompatible you’re incompadible.

 

But like FCA asked is it his career or his lack of knowledge?

 

My question still remains are you seeking these men out? Do you date men with similar careers or religious belief? How does that go?

Link to comment
You are missing an ability to engage in substantive conversation regarding topics of interest to you.

 

This may or may not be fatal; are you able to engage substantively on topics of interest to him?

 

This is spot on. Anything I bring up rarely goes beyond a 1 minute conversation, I'm basically just talking to a wall. But yes, when he brings up things (like problems at work), I always am engaging and create a dialogue with him. I make it known that I care about what he's saying, offer advice or my opinion, etc. But I definitely do not get that in return.

Link to comment
I appreciate your frankness. I know I come across as a terrible person, and trust me I feel terrible for thinking the things that I am thinking. I really do. But this is a good question, and an interesting trend in my life I guess. The thing is, I really don't care whether or not I ever get married. I could take it or leave it, so it's not like I'm desperately searching for someone. Something to think about I suppose.
And that's kinda what's driving my entire point.

 

Identifying the pattern and opining on there being something driving you to keep these guys around for you to figuratively stick your nose up toward is the extent to which I'm going to conduct my amateur psychoanalysis. I fully believe that you don't feel good thinking these things, but there's some kind of itch being scratched, and I likewise fully believe you that it's not a matter of you being desperate and settling. I might guess it serves as a perpetual ego boost of some sort keeping these guys around, but your guess is probably as good or better than mine.

 

And to reiterate, as a man without a degree and who rather enjoys lazy weekends, I see zero issues with your preferences. I couldn't date women who had too much gums in their smile, so I'm the last person on Earth to judge anyone for any perceived superficiality. And I'd call your list of incompatibilities conventionally reasonable regardless. But there's a difference between someone who knows they don't like McDonald's and thus chooses not to go there, and someone who makes the informed decision to go in, only to judge and complain about their $1 McDouble and to proceed to help themselves to seconds. Not that I'm comparing either this guy or the guy last year to my hangover remedy-- I've got no reason to adversely judge either of their characters. But you get the point. That's the line I'd draw between someone who's acting like a snob and someone who simply knows what they want. And while I don't think FIO was calling me out directly, I will disclaim I'd extend the very same criticism to a man.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...