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Thread: Is this relationship destined to fail?

  1. #1
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    Is this relationship destined to fail?

    I recently started dating someone who I met online. He is actually a really great person - kind, loyal, caring, and would do anything to keep me happy. He has a stable job (although not a career) and supports himself. He evens helps his family out financially and is just a very genuine person all around. When we first started talking and were getting to know each other, I was very interested in him but admittedly was turned off by his lack of education. I'm a doctor and he is a cashier who hates school and has no interest in going to college, so there is a big difference in our philosophy when it comes to school. I loved school and still love to learn. It's not that I think everyone HAS to go to college, but I do find intelligence and love of learning a turn on. I want someone who can keep up with conversation when I talk. For instance, I met my ex when I was in medical school and while he only had a few years of college under his belt, he was able to keep up with me talking about things I was learning and showed great interest in me explaining things or talking about my classes. (Side note - although I compare my ex to him, I am really only pointing out the very few good qualities he had and do not have any residual feelings for him at all. He had plenty of negative qualities, hence why he is my ex). The new guy however does not seem to be interested in what I have to say about work. If I bring something up like a dilemma or challenge I'm facing in regards to work, the response is "wow" and he shakes his head no, and then the conversation is over. There is no dialogue or depth. Our conversations are just very superficial and honestly I find myself setting my intelligence aside to make things simpler for him to understand.

    In addition, he has no ambition even in his personal life. I like to have goals outside of work; I have several hobbies and projects that I like to work on. I own a home so that keeps me busy; I always have something to do on the weekends. But on his days off, he just lays in bed until noon or later, eats, and watches TV. I get up at 630 or 7 and after about an hour of easing into the day, I start to work on my hobbies and passions. He on the other hand never really has anything to do other than clean and grocery shop, and again this is just a huge turn off for me. My ex had passions of his own - he started a small online business and was involved in fitness competitions. And even though those things were not an interest of mine, I still really liked that he had things outside of work that he was passionate about.

    I realize this all makes me sound like a complete and a snob. I truly do not think I am any better than the guy I'm dating - in fact I know I am way more of a terrible person than he is. I just can't help but find myself annoyed DAILY that our conversations are bland and he generally has no ambition. I can't imagine a lifetime of this, but at the same time I feel like I should try to make it work because he of what a good person he is. But is that enough?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rcphill
    I just can't help but find myself annoyed DAILY that our conversations are bland and he generally has no ambition. I can't imagine a lifetime of this
    Reread the part above that YOU wrote. You have already answered your own question. Yes, this relationship is destined to fail. You two are fundamentaly different. Many people are good persons. Yet, they are not compatible. You two are not compatible. Stop wasting the poor guy's time. You have fundamentaly different life values. Neither of you is wrong and neither of you is likely to change. The only thing you are liable to accomplish with that inner additude is make him feel inadequate, waste his time and then dump him. P.S. While paying lip service that you "truly do not think you are any better" your post reeks of elitism. Not all people derive the same satisfaction from always chasing after some kind of goal; some are born more laid back and that's ok. This guy is just too different from you to be able to make you happy and him being a good person is not enough.

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    Honestly, I do not understand why you decided to date this guy. You are not compatible. Do you have any common interests? Also, the fact that he has NO interest in the concerns you have at work, is rude. Why would you chose this guy? I cannot fathom why you would have thought you would be a match!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    just because someone is a good person, doesn't mean you have to be with them. people stay in for many different reasons.

    it sounds like you guys aren't very compatible. in the beginning it can be just about a nice person, but long term you need to feel more than, hey he's nice.

    I don't think you're being a snob. maybe he feels the same way... like you try too hard, you are more engaged in outside things, you're career is too big....

    just because someone has less drive, education, or interests doesn't mean they don't like the way they are. he could be content with his life and just think you are super nice, too.

    if you can't accept that you are watering yourself down, that's a big internal sign to yourself.

    nice and a good person isn't enough for a romantic relationship in my opinion. just like money and good looks... all these things are subjective and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    focus on what you want... if you want a long term relationship, then cut him loose & keep looking. If you want less, don't commit but make your concerns known.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'm going to be frank. Not only do you indeed sound like a snob, but for whatever reason, I think to some extent you actually thrive on it. You just wrote an essay pretty much taking a hot, smelly dump all over the guy. It reads like you're talking about a puppy who's cute but is a total pain in the ass rather than anyone you'd consider a peer, never mind a partner.

    Now bear in mind that your preferences are perfectly fine. Personally, I dropped out when my scholarship and grant funds ran out a semester before graduation because that's just how fundamentally and stubbornly opposed to putting any of my own money into school I was. Ironically enough, I spend 50+ hours on various campuses as it's where the bulk of my contract work lands me, but I digress. I still happened to marry a doctor. We have very different attitudes toward academia, but our attitudes are compatible. I don't believe in putting pants on before 1:00pm on Sundays, and my wife treats brunch with her friends like a weekly holiday. She's Christian; I'n agnostic and completely aspiritual. It works out fine. We respect each other's value systems. Still, I wouldn't have taken any offense if we'd started dating and she were more like you, deciding she needed someone with more academic credentials, who believed in God, who lived for avocado on toast, and thus nexted me.

    But that last step is kinda essential, and it's what makes the difference between a snob and someone who simply knows what and who they want, and who goes for just that. In your thread last year, you were dating a guy who wasn't Christian or spiritual, and how little he consequently brought to the table. And again, I don't think it's as innocuous as you settling for the first warm body. You're latching onto these guys who at the most fundamental levels are incompatible with you, only for you to internally lord over them. I'd really try to tackle why this is.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Leave this poor guy alone, seriously.

    He sounds happy and comfortable with who he is and with his life. He doesn't need someone like you judging and criticising him and looking down on him.
    Whether you think so or not, you will definitely be thinking he is less than you. It is more than obvious by your tone in your post.

    It truly is a shame that people judge someone's worth based on if they went to school or not. A decent man or woman shouldn't be judged on their education and to be honest, I think you are far too biased to see it any other way.

    You will miss out on a lot of good people in this world.
    In my personal experience, I don't see education as neither here nor there when it comes to who is a good person and a worthy partner.
    There are some brilliant people in this world who are geniuses but are also complete psycho paths. Maybe Hannibal Lector is more your forte, although he probably would out perform you in intelligence to be honest.

    So truly, education doesn't mean much when judging a person's value (if that's your thing).
    Last edited by SherrySher; 02-10-2019 at 11:22 AM.

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    Originally Posted by Clio
    While paying lip service that you "truly do not think you are any better" your post reeks of elitism. Not all people derive the same satisfaction from always chasing after some kind of goal; some are born more laid back and that's ok.
    I am aware that I come across as a total snob. But that's really not my intention. I completely agree that it's okay to not always have a goal to chase after, and sometimes I think a life like that would be way nicer than my hectic, intense, stressful life. But that's just not the kind of person I am. I would never disregard someone as a friend if they had those qualities, but as a life partner...I'm just not sure it's something I can get past. I do thank you for your input though because my dilemma is that I don't know if I should just set aside these expectations that I have (maybe I'm expecting too much and need a reality check) or stand firm in what I want..

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Do you have any common interests? Also, the fact that he has NO interest in the concerns you have at work, is rude. Why would you chose this guy?
    We do have some common interests, but not many. I was attracted to him because we do have a lot of the same fundamental values when it comes to being in a relationship. But I agree that I find it rude for him to not have any interest in my work concerns. I even brought it up that I feel like he doesn't take my work problems seriously and he has gotten a little better, but I still get minimal to no responses from him when I voice my problems with work. I don't know if it's that he has no idea what to say or just doesn't care.

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    Originally Posted by j.man
    In your thread last year, you were dating a guy who wasn't Christian or spiritual, and how little he consequently brought to the table. And again, I don't think it's as innocuous as you settling for the first warm body. You're latching onto these guys who at the most fundamental levels are incompatible with you, only for you to internally lord over them. I'd really try to tackle why this is.
    I appreciate your frankness. I know I come across as a terrible person, and trust me I feel terrible for thinking the things that I am thinking. I really do. But this is a good question, and an interesting trend in my life I guess. The thing is, I really don't care whether or not I ever get married. I could take it or leave it, so it's not like I'm desperately searching for someone. Something to think about I suppose.

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    He doesn't need someone like you judging and criticising him and looking down on him.
    Whether you think so or not, you will definitely be thinking he is less than you. It is more than obvious in your tone in your post.

    It truly is a shame that people judge someone's worth based on if they went to school or not. A decent man or woman shouldn't be judged on their education and to be honest, I think you are far too biased to see it any other way.

    You will miss out on a lot of good people in this world.
    In my personal experience, I don't see education as neither here nor there when it comes to who is a good person and a worthy partner.
    There are some brilliant people in this world who are geniuses but are also complete psycho paths. Maybe Hannibal Lector is more your forte, although he probably would out perform you in intelligence to be honest.

    So truly, education doesn't mean much when judging a person's value (if that's your thing).
    While I appreciate your reply, I think you are reading my post wrong. I don't think he is lesser than me in ANY way, shape or form. I even said that I know he is a better person (fundamentally) than I am. He is more giving, loving, selfless, and caring than I am. But the thing is, I do need intellectual stimulation in a relationship. And no, a person does not have to go to college and get a degree to provide intellectual stimulation. I would be fine dating someone with lesser education as long as they can engage in a dialogue with me that goes beyond surface level conversation. Like I stated, there are times where I feel that he just doesn't care about me talking about work. My job is VERY stressful - I deal with difficult people and have very long, grueling days - and sometimes I need to just vent and/or get advice from my partner on things. When he just responds with "wow" and shakes his head no, I'm not sure if he just doesn't give a crap (which is not good) or if he just has no input (also not good). Anyway, I really just posted this to see if I should work on myself to get past this, or just be realistic with the things that I require in a relationship despite the fact that he's a super great guy. And I know that no one will have EVERYTHING on the checklist. I may meet someone who checks off the intellectual/educated box, but that is a total a$$, isn't loyal, etc.

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