My wife and I have been married for nearly two years now, and since getting married our relationship has progressively deteriorated. She exhibits a lot of the communication behaviors typical of a narcissist based on what I've been reading, but I think she's just holding onto a lot of trauma and doesn't know how to communicate properly within a relationship. She cannot accept any form of criticism, is extremely defensive, stonewalls, gaslights, gives the silent treatment, insults me (imbecile, the worst person I've met, moron, monster, not fit to have a child, etc.), twists my words, accuses me of playing the victim when I bring up a complaint, and has hit me on three occasions (the first being on our wedding night, when she got angry because I was carrying a bag of mementos in a way that they could have been damaged. I attempted to calm her and hug her, which led to her physically attacking me. She takes no responsibility for any of this behavior, and it has been hard to forgive her. In her defense she has told me that she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and I know that she's experienced sexual trauma and loss, which could certainly play into this.
I'm not perfect either. When we first started dating and she moved in with me, our plan was to get out of the country we're in as soon as possible (we're from separate countries, neither of which is the country we're in). It's been nearly 5 years and I'm no closer to a solution. I have a government job that has limited private sector application and significant pay considering I have a high school education. I grew up in a trailer and lost my father when I was young to drugs, and am proud that I didn't take a different path. That being said, I'm sure I have abandonment issues, and I can be defensive and stubborn at times. I'm probably too laid-back, can be lazy, and have not followed through on things she has asked of me. She is alone at home, we have no local friends, and though it's not intentional on my part, she believes that I have robbed her of her independence and sentenced her to a life of home duties. When we met she was writing a book and working (hated her job), and I suggested she move in with me and focus on her book. This was short-lived, and since then she jumps from project to project with no real conclusion. I don't judge her for this, I don't think her situation is easy and I know she misses home, and I'm away 10-12 hours a day during the week. I feel guilt for keeping us in this position, and for not having the courage to give everything up to move us to a better situation. I am also divorced, having cheated on my ex wife. I learned from this and vowed to improve my communication and not repeat the same behavior (which I have not). I believe my wife's knowledge of my prior infidelity colored her opinion of me and planted a seed of distrust, which I can understand. At this point I know she has no faith in me, despite me making changes to accommodate her demands. Perhaps I haven't done enough, who really knows? I love her, but it isn't enough.
Currently we're in a fight. She was angry that I left work early to spend time with former coworkers because I should have taken the opportunity to save work hours and email a facility with questions regarding adoption (which we've been considering, we have fertility difficulties). I stupidly used the fight as an opportunity to express that I'm lonely at one point and stated that she had no compassion for me. She took this to mean that she had no compassion in general and got very offended, stating that it's the most she's ever been hurt, and the fight escalated from there. Now we are sleeping in separate rooms, and she refuses to speak to me until I return some CDs to her that I had lent to a coworker who moved back to the US with them, and upon their return "we'll see what we talk about." Admittedly, I had promised to get these CDs back two years ago, but felt guilty bothering the person who had them as his family was affected by a hurricane, and I never followed through later. I get the feeling that once she gets these back that her plan is to leave.
So far I'm taking the silence in stride, but I have little hope or fight in me left. I've been through some dark times due to our problems, seriously contemplating suicide at some points, but I'm not there now. Still I fear the failure of another failed relationship (my second marriage and I'm 35), and my self-esteem isn't the greatest. I don't know how to reach her. I try to tell her I care and that I love her, I take blame and responsibility for much of our situation, but at this point she seems to have her mind made up about me. I'd like to bring up more details, but this post is already long and I hope I've provided enough objective context to paint an accurate picture. Should I abandon my values and call it quits, or do I keep fighting for our marriage, and if so, how? I feel a bit like I'm losing my identity the longer this goes on, but we have moments of happiness that give me hope as well. To be clear, she's not interested in getting counseling as she doesn't believe talking helps anything. I appreciate any advice and am willing to answer any questions posed honestly if it helps. Thank you.
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