Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Struggling to get through

  1. #1

    Struggling to get through

    My wife and I have been married for nearly two years now, and since getting married our relationship has progressively deteriorated. She exhibits a lot of the communication behaviors typical of a narcissist based on what I've been reading, but I think she's just holding onto a lot of trauma and doesn't know how to communicate properly within a relationship. She cannot accept any form of criticism, is extremely defensive, stonewalls, gaslights, gives the silent treatment, insults me (imbecile, the worst person I've met, moron, monster, not fit to have a child, etc.), twists my words, accuses me of playing the victim when I bring up a complaint, and has hit me on three occasions (the first being on our wedding night, when she got angry because I was carrying a bag of mementos in a way that they could have been damaged. I attempted to calm her and hug her, which led to her physically attacking me. She takes no responsibility for any of this behavior, and it has been hard to forgive her. In her defense she has told me that she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and I know that she's experienced sexual trauma and loss, which could certainly play into this.

    I'm not perfect either. When we first started dating and she moved in with me, our plan was to get out of the country we're in as soon as possible (we're from separate countries, neither of which is the country we're in). It's been nearly 5 years and I'm no closer to a solution. I have a government job that has limited private sector application and significant pay considering I have a high school education. I grew up in a trailer and lost my father when I was young to drugs, and am proud that I didn't take a different path. That being said, I'm sure I have abandonment issues, and I can be defensive and stubborn at times. I'm probably too laid-back, can be lazy, and have not followed through on things she has asked of me. She is alone at home, we have no local friends, and though it's not intentional on my part, she believes that I have robbed her of her independence and sentenced her to a life of home duties. When we met she was writing a book and working (hated her job), and I suggested she move in with me and focus on her book. This was short-lived, and since then she jumps from project to project with no real conclusion. I don't judge her for this, I don't think her situation is easy and I know she misses home, and I'm away 10-12 hours a day during the week. I feel guilt for keeping us in this position, and for not having the courage to give everything up to move us to a better situation. I am also divorced, having cheated on my ex wife. I learned from this and vowed to improve my communication and not repeat the same behavior (which I have not). I believe my wife's knowledge of my prior infidelity colored her opinion of me and planted a seed of distrust, which I can understand. At this point I know she has no faith in me, despite me making changes to accommodate her demands. Perhaps I haven't done enough, who really knows? I love her, but it isn't enough.

    Currently we're in a fight. She was angry that I left work early to spend time with former coworkers because I should have taken the opportunity to save work hours and email a facility with questions regarding adoption (which we've been considering, we have fertility difficulties). I stupidly used the fight as an opportunity to express that I'm lonely at one point and stated that she had no compassion for me. She took this to mean that she had no compassion in general and got very offended, stating that it's the most she's ever been hurt, and the fight escalated from there. Now we are sleeping in separate rooms, and she refuses to speak to me until I return some CDs to her that I had lent to a coworker who moved back to the US with them, and upon their return "we'll see what we talk about." Admittedly, I had promised to get these CDs back two years ago, but felt guilty bothering the person who had them as his family was affected by a hurricane, and I never followed through later. I get the feeling that once she gets these back that her plan is to leave.

    So far I'm taking the silence in stride, but I have little hope or fight in me left. I've been through some dark times due to our problems, seriously contemplating suicide at some points, but I'm not there now. Still I fear the failure of another failed relationship (my second marriage and I'm 35), and my self-esteem isn't the greatest. I don't know how to reach her. I try to tell her I care and that I love her, I take blame and responsibility for much of our situation, but at this point she seems to have her mind made up about me. I'd like to bring up more details, but this post is already long and I hope I've provided enough objective context to paint an accurate picture. Should I abandon my values and call it quits, or do I keep fighting for our marriage, and if so, how? I feel a bit like I'm losing my identity the longer this goes on, but we have moments of happiness that give me hope as well. To be clear, she's not interested in getting counseling as she doesn't believe talking helps anything. I appreciate any advice and am willing to answer any questions posed honestly if it helps. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    12,542
    Gender
    Female
    Please do NOT have a child with this woman. She is incapable and you will end up being in an abusive situation to your child because YOU are too afraid to leave this women. Consider this:
    I love her, but it isn't enough.
    You are absolutely correct and I implore you to get yourself into therapy that will hopefully educate you about codependency (learned through your dysfunctional relationship with your addicted father) to the point that it will cement itself into your psyche that, yes, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH and it should not be the only reason you stay with a person.

    Get the help you need and you'll realize that fighting for a dysfunctional marriage is not right thinking. You will hopefully also get the self-love you need to realize you deserve more than a woman who treats you like ____.

    You have a White Knight Syndrome (google it) going on in you. If you didn't you would have never kept yourself involved with someone with her ongoing issues and undealt with past traumas.

    She has worn you down to the point where you have seriously considered doing yourself in. Please take the advice and get yourself into counselling with a good therapist proficient in codependency issues. You'll be glad you did when you are pointed in the direction of where you can "see" right now you are blinded by your own past.

  3. #3
    Thank you, I'm reading up on White Knight Syndrome and it's eye-opening. I figured I had some blame, but maybe I'm more damaged and toxic than I thought. I had a rough relationship with my mother as well; she was an alcoholic and abusive, leaving me to take care of my younger siblings until I ran away at 17. It seems like I need some serious counseling, and probably a break from relationships in general.

    Any suggestions on how to approach breaking something like this off? She's volatile, and would have to leave the country.

    [edit] I realized you didn't actually mention anything about leaving, just getting help. Maybe a bit of a Freudian slip on my part there and a sign.
    Last edited by QuestForFire; 02-09-2019 at 05:13 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    12,542
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by QuestForFire
    Thank you, I'm reading up on White Knight Syndrome and it's eye-opening. I figured I had some blame, but maybe I'm more damaged and toxic than I thought. I had a rough relationship with my mother as well; she was an alcoholic and abusive, leaving me to take care of my younger siblings until I ran away at 17. It seems like I need some serious counseling, and probably a break from relationships in general.

    Any suggestions on how to approach breaking something like this off? She's volatile, and would have to leave the country.

    [edit] I realized you didn't actually mention anything about leaving, just getting help. Maybe a bit of a Freudian slip on my part there and a sign.
    I did mean that you should leave but I assumed that you wouldn't until you got the therapy and realized what a mess you're currently in with this woman.

    If she's going to get violent and you feel you are ready and confident enough to leave her then see a lawyer first and get your rights and obligations ironed out (finances, dissolving of joint assets etc) and then make your plan to get out. If you fear she is going to get violent then ask the police or a trusted friend to accompany you.

    Get yourself organized with the appropriate professionals (doctors, lawyers, police) first to help you plan your exit.

    I don't know, I'm not a therapist or a psychiatrist but I think that she has BPD traits and perhaps the site in the below link will help you get started on your own recovery.

    [Register to see the link]

    Here is a site that may start you on understanding yourself and why you tend to White Knight...

    [Register to see the link]

  5.  

  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,394
    Please, whatever you do, do NOT have children!! It would be a terrible thing to bring an innocent child into this toxic and dysfunctional mess. Please don't do it. You two either have to sort out all of the current issues with marriage counselling, or make a clean break and file for divorce. But whatever you do, do NOT have children with this woman.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Quad-Cities, Illinois, usa
    Posts
    2,622
    Gender
    Female
    She doesn't sound like a narcissist , she sounds as if she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I say this, because I do.....even tho I'm in the functioning spectrum of this personality disorder. They can wear you down. Also read, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

    They come across as energetic, fun, great in the sack....until they got you!!! Then watch out! They get upset over Everything and blame it all on you!

    It won't get any better....especially if she doesn't seek counseling. Which of course she won't, because that means or admitting, she's doing something 'wrong'.

    I've known many people who's 3 rd marriage was the charm!!! This person is NOT IT!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,305
    Gender
    Female
    Sorry haven't read all the comments but I think there is enough information here to know that this is a very toxic marriage. To me it even sounds like your wife may have a personality disorder (borderline perhaps), however as I don't know her and am not a clinical professional, I shouldn't be speculating on that. Has your wife had any counselling and treatments for the traumas she went through in the past?

    Your wife is very abusive emotionally and even physically and regardless of what mistakes you've made, this is NOT OK. She knew that you'd cheated on your previous wife and she still chose to marry you so she can't really hold that over you because she'd made her own decisions about this.

    She sounds very immature and attention seeking, saying that she won't speak to you until you return those CD's from two years ago which are now in another country. It's water under the bridge! I think it sounds like you've done your best to be a good husband but you do have yourself and potential children to think about. Do you really want your kids to see Mummy constantly insulting and even hitting Daddy? This is a very bad environment for any children to grow up in and I urge you to really consider the implications of bringing kids into this.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •