Dumped Again, feel so broken and alone, please help me

Hi all, ive been here before and unfortunately im back again.

Some background, we are both middle-aged, met abroad on hols and lived 300 miles apart. When we met we just clicked. I wasnt looking for anyone and she said she wasnt although she was on a dating site

For about 6 months i drove down to hers and on occasion she would come up to mine. She has a big family and they all took to me. She had 3 previous relationships, married for 24 years, an on/off relationship and a casual relationship for a year. She has 3 sons and a daughter all grown up. 3 sons live at home still and daughter has her own place now.

After 6 months i had to make a decision bcos of the distance and the fact we was in love with each other and with alot of persuasion from her family i decided to give up my job, apartment family and move down. I have 2 young daughters from a previous 10 year relationship (dumped/rebound) which was posted on here.

We have had a really good relationship and everything worked. Still manage to see my daughters (over 500 miles away) and have taken them on hols abroad twice. Got a job when i moved down and im still working now.

We have been together 4.5 years and i notice she was feeling down just before christmas. I have been asking her what was wrong but only thing i got was money worries just after Christmas. She wanted to remortgage her house with me but the payments would be too much due to her poor credit rating. We also got engaged year before and was due to get married next year and needed money for that. Around christmas she decided the only option was to downsize as in 5 months 2 of her boys were getting mortgages and moving out. She was worried that she would not have enough to buy a smaller place and give her children some inheritace after paying off morgage. I always re assured her not to worry and it would always work out. I spoke to one of her sons and asked if they could find out if it was just money worries but she wouldnt say. She came home mid January from work and i gave her a cuddle. The next day when she returned from work i sat down next to her and said look love, i was gonna borrow the money to help but have decided to sell my property (small property i own were i used to live) and pay half towards the small house you want, that way you will have enough to give your children some inheritance. After all, we are getting married early next year...

She stopped me there, she said its not that, i dont think i love you anymore!!!!!! My heart just dropped! I asked her why she felt like this and she came out with some random stuff like i dont do as much in the house, i moan about work, she thought i still had feelings for my ex (split 8 years ago, mother of my 2 children, she married now with two children of there own). She knows i dont now and took that off the table. I told her ive put some weight on and got a bit lazy and needed a kick and she just gave me that. She was tired so i said we would speak about it on her next day off. I left it at that and 3 days later i rang i sick and we had a talk.

She said she loved me but was not in love.. i told her i was still in love with her so i gave her some options. I said we could work at this and see how things go but she said no, she does not want us both to waste 6 month because she wont change.

So i said i could give her space. She asked what i meant and i said i would move out. She said i can still stay and give her space. I told her that wouldnt work (i put alot of money in the house and if i moved out i couldnt afford to do that).

Finally i said i could go completely but if i went back to my roots i would be final as i could give everything up again when it could happen again. She nodded yes and started crying. I hugged her bcos it upset me to see her cry.

Anyway, 10 days went by and she talked to me fine, never said much but there was no intemacy whatsoever. Still slept in the same bed but she would have her back to me. It was killing me, i lost 7lbs in that 10 days. Her children did not know, she did not want them to yet because she felt they would give her a very hard time. So i respected her decision and on the 10th day i found a place and moved out while she was at work. I then told her eldest son and her daughter as i was leaving. They were shocked and still are.

I visit her daughter as she has always regarded me as her 2nd dad and a grandad to her son. She has been a kind of a rock and believes her mum is going through a "midlife crisis" and she's not the only one thats said this but still, the damage is done and i kinda feel on my own here.

I am doing no contact at the moment, im broken and i need to heal. My ex has not contacted me and i most certainly wont contact her for now. I deactivated my facebook when i left as she is facebook mad. Her daughter says she has got worse since i left, argumentative and distant and not the same person. She turns 50 soon.

I didnt beg, plead or cry (cried when i was alone) i guess ive just dissapeared. I love her and still want her back if im honest but once i move back to my roots it would be too late. Sorry for the long post

Sounds like you are doing the right thing based on the situation as you describe it. I would give it a few months and then move on with your own life, if that means moving back to your roots, so be it. It is entirely understandable that you would not want to re uproot your whole life again for a women who has ambivalent feelings towards you.

It is a heartbreak for sure that things did not work out the way you intended when you moved in with her, but this is the risk we take when we take a chance on love. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. You sound like you have the right perspective on all of this, I'm sorry you are in the position you find yourself. The most important thing to remember is not to get caught up in a long winded chance of reconciliation and waste a lot of time with that.

How long were you together, OP?

 

It is a heartbreak for sure that things did not work out the way you intended when you moved in with her, but this is the risk we take when we take a chance on love. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. You sound like you have the right perspective on all of this, I'm sorry you are in the position you find yourself. The most important thing to remember is not to get caught up in a long winded chance of reconciliation and waste a lot of time with that.

I agree.

focus on your own healing now.

LDJ... Thank you, i agree totally with what you have said there. I have been here before (different situations) and have learned from the past. "IF" there was a chance of reconciliation well, I most certainly wont be staying around if its long winded... It would have to be clear and with some guarentee (if thats posible). I think the worst feeling is not understanding the reason why. I know myself that thats something we rarely find out.

MissCanuck... We commuted for about 6 months and lived together for 4 years

Lambert... Most certainly doing that now! Have a birthday coming up in over a week and her daughter and son are taking me for a meal... really nice of them

Also i dont think i mentioned we got engaged new years eve 2017 so we were engaged just over a year. We were due to marry early 2020. Still have not got the ring back :/

Well, i ve come back to give an update and probably the final result.. maybe. I know most dont come back but i have been here before, and reading these posts helped me so much!

It has been 6 months now since she ended the relationship and recently i found that even though she laid the blame on me and she had lost all feelings for me, she was actually having feelings for someone else. Hence she ended the relationship. I found out recent that she got together with the guy she had feelings for. She kept that a secret from her kids as she had moved home.

We had partly paid for a non refundable holiday abroad in Spain.. a trip she wanted to go on because we met at a certain bar there. Being amicable i refunded her money and decided to take a friend who paid his share. The trip was on the 4 month mark of our BU. She then bought another ticket to go to the same place, on the same day and stop with her sister and her sisters boyfriend in the same appartment block... awkward i thought.

Even though she was with someone (i did not know at the time) she did not bring him along. We did see her on the first day but after that i did not see her at all. My friend ate at a cafe below the apartment and saw her quite a few time leaving the building. Myself, well i went on to do other thing, gym, sauna etc as by then i had got over the relationship and did not want to run into her. I lost about 20kg since the split and toned up with a lot of hard work and strict dieting. I was feeling good but not interested in meeting anyone... just wanted to enjoy myself.

We was there for 12 nights and my ex for 10 nights. I avoided the bar i met my ex in up until the 8th night when my mate dragged me in. Its quite a big bar and my mate was heading toward the area were i met my ex. He remembers as he was there 5 years ago when we met. I said to him "hey, im not sitting over there, if my ex comes in she'll think ive been sitting there every night waiting for her". So we moved to the right and sat there as it was quite busy. I was talking when i turned and knocked a lady by accident (she was already sat next to me, i just did not notice", i apologised and.. well we got into a conversation. She was quite attractive and we got on quite well and spent the rest of the holiday together. She did say she spotted me coming in to the bar and said to her friend "how am i gonna talk to that guy"

It has been over 2 months since Spain and now im in a relationship with a gorgeous lady that i find hard to believe we have so much in common. It is a long distance relationship but not too long. A 40 minute flight and we have it in turns meeting up when work prevails for us both. I recently went back on to social media has i had deactivated my FB account to heal and move on.

The irony of it is i met her in the same bar, in the same city, in the same country has i met my ex 5 years previous. My ex knows nothing of this, as far as she's concerned im moving away at the end of this month and i am still single.

My ex went public with her relationship around 6 weeks ago. I have met the guy before and he's always had a thing for my ex. It never bothered me because they knew each other a long time before we me and he was batting well above his belt with her. I will say on the few occations i spoke to him i found him to be a nice guy and if im honest, i wish them both well.

Honestly, if it was not for my ex insisting we go to where we met, having me swap holidays at work for it and how fate on that 8th night played out, i would not have met this wonderful lady!!!

Good for you. Take things in stride and don't jump the gun with this new person in your life either (try not to assume anything about her). Long distance is still long distance and it still means you are 40 min (plane ride) apart. If you don't have a plan on eventually being local, this is not a realistic option for the both of you on any type of serious long term relationship. You're just going from the kettle to the frying pan. Enjoy the rebound if she's a rebound but I wouldn't hold out for anything with this new person.

You're right to let go of that relationship and be happy for them. It's definitely over.

Just take it easy. Try and manage those expectations regarding your new relationship carefully so that you don't plunge into new lows a short period from now.

Really happy for you and hope it works out well with your new relationship. When I was reading your post my initial thoughts were that there was probably someone else. Often when you hear ' I love you but not in love with you' its usually because they have feelings for someone else.

Sorry this is happening. Can you make arrangements to move back home? Focus on getting your job, apt, life, etc back. Admit it was a mistake to go live there. Focus on your daughters and your own life and family. Don't abandon your young kids like this. Her kids are not your real family. What were you running away from?

i decided to give up my job, apartment family and move down. I have 2 young daughters from a previous 10 year relationship . Still manage to see my daughters (over 500 miles away)

Thanks Rose Mosse, Im pretty sure its not a rebound. I have been through this before and did everything that needed to be done to get over my ex (including abandoning social media). We are taking things very steady.. something we both agree on and we are mature enough to know this is the right way about it. With or without my new gf im gonna be fine :)

fIIsion, thank you. I thought the same but my ex always pulled down her ex husband for cheating to all, so i thought it was not posible. Least she ended things before the jump. I cant blame her, she lost her feelings for me as she got them for someone else.. as someone on here said, blame is for the schoolyard!

Hey Wiseman2, thanks and i move close to my hometown in 2 weeks through a job transfer.. at the time i thought if i dont take the chance, i would never know and would always wonder. I gave up being close to my kids (80miles at the time) but i never gave up seeing them. The distance was long and i saw them less but spent longer time with them. I wasnt running away from anything at the time.. just circumstances gave me the opportunity for a fresh start hence i took a leap of faith and moved away.

Excellent. Enjoy your new old life.

i move close to my hometown in 2 weeks through a job transfer.. I gave up being close to my kids (80miles at the time)