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Thread: Dumped Again, feel so broken and alone, please help me

  1. #1
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    Dumped Again, feel so broken and alone, please help me

    Hi all, ive been here before and unfortunately im back again.
    Some background, we are both middle-aged, met abroad on hols and lived 300 miles apart. When we met we just clicked. I wasnt looking for anyone and she said she wasnt although she was on a dating site
    For about 6 months i drove down to hers and on occasion she would come up to mine. She has a big family and they all took to me. She had 3 previous relationships, married for 24 years, an on/off relationship and a casual relationship for a year. She has 3 sons and a daughter all grown up. 3 sons live at home still and daughter has her own place now.
    After 6 months i had to make a decision bcos of the distance and the fact we was in love with each other and with alot of persuasion from her family i decided to give up my job, apartment family and move down. I have 2 young daughters from a previous 10 year relationship (dumped/rebound) which was posted on here.
    We have had a really good relationship and everything worked. Still manage to see my daughters (over 500 miles away) and have taken them on hols abroad twice. Got a job when i moved down and im still working now.
    We have been together 4.5 years and i notice she was feeling down just before christmas. I have been asking her what was wrong but only thing i got was money worries just after Christmas. She wanted to remortgage her house with me but the payments would be too much due to her poor credit rating. We also got engaged year before and was due to get married next year and needed money for that. Around christmas she decided the only option was to downsize as in 5 months 2 of her boys were getting mortgages and moving out. She was worried that she would not have enough to buy a smaller place and give her children some inheritace after paying off morgage. I always re assured her not to worry and it would always work out. I spoke to one of her sons and asked if they could find out if it was just money worries but she wouldnt say. She came home mid January from work and i gave her a cuddle. The next day when she returned from work i sat down next to her and said look love, i was gonna borrow the money to help but have decided to sell my property (small property i own were i used to live) and pay half towards the small house you want, that way you will have enough to give your children some inheritance. After all, we are getting married early next year...

    She stopped me there, she said its not that, i dont think i love you anymore!!!!!! My heart just dropped! I asked her why she felt like this and she came out with some random stuff like i dont do as much in the house, i moan about work, she thought i still had feelings for my ex (split 8 years ago, mother of my 2 children, she married now with two children of there own). She knows i dont now and took that off the table. I told her ive put some weight on and got a bit lazy and needed a kick and she just gave me that. She was tired so i said we would speak about it on her next day off. I left it at that and 3 days later i rang i sick and we had a talk.
    She said she loved me but was not in love.. i told her i was still in love with her so i gave her some options. I said we could work at this and see how things go but she said no, she does not want us both to waste 6 month because she wont change.
    So i said i could give her space. She asked what i meant and i said i would move out. She said i can still stay and give her space. I told her that wouldnt work (i put alot of money in the house and if i moved out i couldnt afford to do that).
    Finally i said i could go completely but if i went back to my roots i would be final as i could give everything up again when it could happen again. She nodded yes and started crying. I hugged her bcos it upset me to see her cry.
    Anyway, 10 days went by and she talked to me fine, never said much but there was no intemacy whatsoever. Still slept in the same bed but she would have her back to me. It was killing me, i lost 7lbs in that 10 days. Her children did not know, she did not want them to yet because she felt they would give her a very hard time. So i respected her decision and on the 10th day i found a place and moved out while she was at work. I then told her eldest son and her daughter as i was leaving. They were shocked and still are.
    I visit her daughter as she has always regarded me as her 2nd dad and a grandad to her son. She has been a kind of a rock and believes her mum is going through a "midlife crisis" and she's not the only one thats said this but still, the damage is done and i kinda feel on my own here.
    I am doing no contact at the moment, im broken and i need to heal. My ex has not contacted me and i most certainly wont contact her for now. I deactivated my facebook when i left as she is facebook mad. Her daughter says she has got worse since i left, argumentative and distant and not the same person. She turns 50 soon.
    I didnt beg, plead or cry (cried when i was alone) i guess ive just dissapeared. I love her and still want her back if im honest but once i move back to my roots it would be too late. Sorry for the long post

  2. #2
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    Sounds like you are doing the right thing based on the situation as you describe it. I would give it a few months and then move on with your own life, if that means moving back to your roots, so be it. It is entirely understandable that you would not want to re uproot your whole life again for a women who has ambivalent feelings towards you.

    It is a heartbreak for sure that things did not work out the way you intended when you moved in with her, but this is the risk we take when we take a chance on love. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. You sound like you have the right perspective on all of this, I'm sorry you are in the position you find yourself. The most important thing to remember is not to get caught up in a long winded chance of reconciliation and waste a lot of time with that.

  3. #3
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    How long were you together, OP?

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LDJ

    It is a heartbreak for sure that things did not work out the way you intended when you moved in with her, but this is the risk we take when we take a chance on love. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. You sound like you have the right perspective on all of this, I'm sorry you are in the position you find yourself. The most important thing to remember is not to get caught up in a long winded chance of reconciliation and waste a lot of time with that.
    I agree.

    focus on your own healing now.

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  6. #5
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    LDJ... Thank you, i agree totally with what you have said there. I have been here before (different situations) and have learned from the past. "IF" there was a chance of reconciliation well, I most certainly wont be staying around if its long winded... It would have to be clear and with some guarentee (if thats posible). I think the worst feeling is not understanding the reason why. I know myself that thats something we rarely find out.

    MissCanuck... We commuted for about 6 months and lived together for 4 years

    Lambert... Most certainly doing that now! Have a birthday coming up in over a week and her daughter and son are taking me for a meal... really nice of them

  7. #6
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    Also i dont think i mentioned we got engaged new years eve 2017 so we were engaged just over a year. We were due to marry early 2020. Still have not got the ring back :/


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