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Struggling with no contact


jenberry

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Dear all,

I had been No Contact for about a week (after several failed attempts). Then I had a particularly bad day and found an old love note from my ex from about 2 years ago, telling me he loved me and had a lot of passion and affection for me. I had so much sadness that I didn't care what happened and so ended up texting him a picture of the note and saying 'I came across this the other day, made me feel sad and nostalgic. Hope you're doing well xx' He replied with words to the effect 'Haha, when's that from? I don't remember it. Yeah I'm doing well, keeping busy, how about you?' The fact that he'd said 'haha' when I had communicated that I'd been feeling sad and nostalgic made me not what to respond. I didn't want to hear about how well he was doing when I was, quite frankly, doing terribly. That was about 1.5 weeks ago. I haven't replied since. I feel guilty because if we're ever to be on good terms, I should probably have responded but I didn't feel like it. Now I have the compulsion to text/ email him to explain I was having a bad time (which admittedly, I still am). I know it's a bad idea but I feel somehow incomplete and anxious without him. I've spent the last few years explaining myself away and doing things for him, and now I just feel empty...I know rationally that he doesn't care about an unresponded-to text. He told me the last time I saw him that I've gone down on his list of priorities. So why is he still such a priority in my head? I feel stuck and unable to break this mental attachment to him. I don't know what kind of help I am hoping for, but I hope someone will provide it anyway. Thank you xxx

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I read somewhere once that from a brain chemistry perspective, breaking up with someone is not dissimilar to withdrawal from cocaine. I believe it. It’s tough!

 

... but just as you would never advise a cocaine addict to take another hit to relieve the pain, you also should not try to take another “hit” of your ex to relieve the pain.

 

The problem, as you’ve discovered, is that they are never going to respond to you in a satisfactory way. What you were probably hoping was that he would share in your nostalgia and sadness - but he doesn’t want to think about that. And then you get hurt that he didn’t respond the way you hoped.

 

The only way through this, IMO, is to throw yourself into other things. Do you workout? Throw yourself into that. You’ll feel (and look!) better. Do you enjoy your work? Throw yourself into that. Do you need to reconnect with friends? Busy yourself with that. The key is to find other things you can concentrate on and go busy yourself as much as possible.

 

It gets easier. But the only way it gets easier is if you stop taking “hits” and go do something else. Eventually your brain chemistry will recalibrate.

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Do Not Text

 

Can you go outside to help get perspective? Put your phone in the freezer. Go to a movie. But whatever you do, walk out your front door.

 

Thank you! I'm going to. This is such a potent reminder. 'Your path is yours alone' - this means a lot to me. I am going to exercise, get outside. If I could delete his number forever, I would, but I can easily look back on bills and get it which is so annoying. I'm going to take your advice and hope it gets easier by the day. Thank you

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RedDress, I have noticed this too re: brain chemistry. I have never taken cocaine before and after this experience, I never want to. The cravings and urges are so similar to being addicted to a drug, I've even come out in a cold sweat before.

 

You're so right that I was hoping he would share my nostalgia. Of course that didn't happen. I have been working out and focusing on building my physical strength, hoping mental strength will follow. I've reconnected with friends from the past and spent more time with current friends. It's in the times between the busyness and friendships that I feel most ruminative. Thinking about him, the past, what he's doing, if we'll ever speak again. Before we broke up, he said to me 'I don't know why you care about me so much, I'm not that special'. Looking at it rationally, I agree. He is one person in a world of billions, and I'm sure many thousands of them are more suitable for me. However, the whole no contact thing initially makes him seem like the most important thing in the world. I just need to remember that, like cocaine, he's just something I'm addicted to that can do me no good!

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I'm not sure who dumped who, here.

 

But if he dumped you, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

 

A couple of weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the feelings you are going through are quite normal.

 

Time is everything, and you need to wait it out.

 

As reddress says, do exercise, work, fill your time. Improve yourself.

 

It will be alright in the end, but at first it won't be easy.

 

The longer since you have had any contact with him, the easier it will get.

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Thank you! I'm going to. This is such a potent reminder. 'Your path is yours alone' - this means a lot to me. I am going to exercise, get outside. If I could delete his number forever, I would, but I can easily look back on bills and get it which is so annoying. I'm going to take your advice and hope it gets easier by the day. Thank you

 

Yes! We all know, we KNOW, you will succeed at this. Its just a question of when. Its up to you. Outside! No matter the weather!

 

Somewhere I've got the article discussing the research that shows the connection between nature and happiness. Get outside, every day, walk around the block. Take phone calls while walking, or if you find yourself on the phone, go outside and walk at the same time.

 

Your path, yes yes yes .

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Hi RayRay,

It was a mutual split. His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with...partying, drinking and treating me poorly. He wanted to focus on his career blah blah. I wanted to be with him, but I was feeling more and more lonely, hurt and isolated in the context of what was once a loving and supportive relationship. It is difficult but I'll make it through. With my phone beside me, I feel like temptation is always, always there and it's difficult to detach from! I ended up getting in touch with one of his housemates today...I don't know why as I don't like her, but it was an indirect reaching out to him. What I really must do is make a life without him in it instead of feeling like I cannot live without him. It's just so hard.

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I'm not sure who dumped who, here.

 

But if he dumped you, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

 

A couple of weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the feelings you are going through are quite normal.

 

Time is everything, and you need to wait it out.

 

As reddress says, do exercise, work, fill your time. Improve yourself.

 

It will be alright in the end, but at first it won't be easy.

 

The longer since you have had any contact with him, the easier it will get.

 

Yes

Also, there will come a time when you feel better and it seems like contact is OK. It isn't! Don't be fooled!

 

One way to think of it is -- Stay on your path. People and activities that aren't on your path: jettison them out of your life. Focus on your path and let in only those people who and activities that belong on your path. He doesn't; so contact is pointless even if it weren't harmful.

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I have always found this as the biggest encouragement to stick to NC: If you are keeping in touch with him you are HELPING HIM GET OVER YOU. You are helping him feel confident enough to find someone else more quickly. You have got to stop it!

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IAmFCA, You are pretty empowering! Thank you! Yes, I love the idea of jettisoning people out of my life if they are not on the path I am on. Kindness, compassion, strength, happiness - that is my path and I am delighted to say the majority of people in my life are supportive of that. Drama or nastiness in any way: OUT. He was only supportive of his own road, his own path. It saddens me that we may not be in each others lives again, especially as I shared so much with him, but who is now is not someone I wish to know and I can't pick up the past. Thank you for this xxx

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Enn, I love this. Thank you. I don't want to make it easy for him, as he never has for me.

 

Bolt n Run: I know, I realised this after I contacted his (horrible) housemate. She hasn't replied after 6+ hours. It's a painful lesson to learn but a necessary one. I get these horrible urges to contact him where nothing other than contact will suffice, and there is an initial relief after doing so, then a massive surge of regret. It is like a drug. Anyway, that's in the past now and I can only move forward and learn from it. Never again.

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Hi RayRay,

It was a mutual split. His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with...partying, drinking and treating me poorly. He wanted to focus on his career blah blah. I wanted to be with him, but I was feeling more and more lonely, hurt and isolated in the context of what was once a loving and supportive relationship. It is difficult but I'll make it through. With my phone beside me, I feel like temptation is always, always there and it's difficult to detach from! I ended up getting in touch with one of his housemates today...I don't know why as I don't like her, but it was an indirect reaching out to him. What I really must do is make a life without him in it instead of feeling like I cannot live without him. It's just so hard.

 

Put your phone in a different room. I know it seems silly, but something about not seeing it helps you not dwell. Give yourself goals. Im not going to look at my phone for 4 hours, 5 hours, etc...

 

Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy.

 

i know its sucks but you will make it through. I promise.

 

I wouldnt have responded to his 'Haha' either but at the same time you were fishing for emotional reassurance and had he given it to you, it would have set you back, so be thankful, in a backwards way he helped you.

 

I agree with FCA

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

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Thank you Figureitout. We were always in different places emotionally anyway, with me being very sensitive and him being very cold, so his 'haha' was a reminder that I was looking for reassurance in the wrong places. I've downloaded an app on my phone that shuts it down for a specified period of time when you press a button. It means I can have long breaks without thinking about my phone since, like you said, when it's beside you, the temptation is always there. I have thought about contacting him merely because I wasn't ready to let go of the good times in our relationship, which are long gone anyway. Those times aren't going to happen with him again so I need to let them, and him, go for good. Painful but at least I am more aware of the type of relationship I deserve from now on xxx

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That’s so insensitive but you know that is the norm with relationships that have ended .

 

Make sure you remember that when you feel like you want to talk to him. Anyways , best thing is for you to stop and remove yourself from communication with him . Eat good food and exercise for your own mental wellbeing . It will get better🤗

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Thank you Viceroy. Yes, he has been pretty insensitive but to be honest, I don't think it's personal to me. He's just not a sensitive person. I need to remember that when my mind wanders into concern for him, wondering how he is and wanting so badly to take care of him. He doesn't need it so I have to focus on me. I've been eating better since the new year: gone from eating nothing but chocolate to eating loads of fruit and veg and cutting my chocolate intake to a couple of squares a day. Exercising too and going to start weight lifting. I think physical and mental strength go hand in hand so I'm excited for this! Thank you xxx

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Take back your power and you will take back your happiness. You are allowing this guy and the past you shared with him to have far too much relevance to your current state of mind. You are solely responsible for your happiness, not the reaction, action or inaction of another person. It can be hard work and a bit uncomfortable to pick ourselves up and nurture ourselves back after a setback, its easier to hand that job over to someone else, or something else like an action of event outside of ourselves that we need to happen in order to feel good about ourselves again. But that is taking the easy way out and it totally backfires on us, if that "thing" we are waiting to happen doesn't happen. It's harder, but much more effective to decide for ourselves that we are the master of our own destiny, and fully in control of our perspective on anything and therefore not vulnerable to getting stuck because we are waiting for action from someone else.

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Hi RayRay,

It was a mutual split. His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with...partying, drinking and treating me poorly. He wanted to focus on his career blah blah. I wanted to be with him, but I was feeling more and more lonely, hurt and isolated in the context of what was once a loving and supportive relationship. It is difficult but I'll make it through. With my phone beside me, I feel like temptation is always, always there and it's difficult to detach from! I ended up getting in touch with one of his housemates today...I don't know why as I don't like her, but it was an indirect reaching out to him. What I really must do is make a life without him in it instead of feeling like I cannot live without him. It's just so hard.

 

Sounds like he was moving on while you were still together, possibly even waiting for you to pull the trigger so he didn't feel so bad about it, and maybe hoped if it was your decision, you wouldn't feel so bad either. Which is still a form of dumping.

 

You could write his phone number down on a piece of paper, and put it in a box along with anything else that reminds you of him -the coffee cup he used, the shirt he bought you for your birthday, etc,. Tape it up and store it out of sight.

 

Then delete his number from your phone. Many here recommend blocking. Personally, I keep them so I know if an ex is calling and can decide whether or not to answer.

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Before we broke up, he said to me 'I don't know why you care about me so much, I'm not that special'. Looking at it rationally, I agree.

 

Sorry you're struggling, Jen. Hugs.

 

While all breakups are agonizing, I think some of the hardest are those with people who were just so clearly wrong for us. Those who didn't treat us too well, those who never really saw and cherished the fragile voodoo that makes us us, those we may not have really even been that into, and so on.

 

Because when the relationship ends we're left facing some thorny questions: I was with this person why? I invested years in that? I am now feeling like this because of that? What the F is wrong with me?

 

Asking those is not fun. It's a bit like looking in the mirror when the lights come on in the bar at the end of the night: nothing is nearly as cute as you thought. Inside the relationship there was at least the comfort of the dim lighting, the loud music, all that illusory cuteness—instead of, you know, some clumpy mascara, ringing eardrums, a stubborn gut that could benefit more from some crunches than another shot of whiskey.

 

From what you've written, here and elsewhere, it's crystal clear this guy is not on your level. Heck, even he knows that he is not so special, and I suspect he's known that (as have you) for a good long time. What I get from your posts—and your desire for contact—is a reluctance to fully accept that. Because it means accepting that you got all sorts of invested, and all sorts of twisted around, by someone who is not particularly special, someone who likely will serve no place in your life moving forward.

 

Someone whose level, essentially, is "haha."

 

So your subconscious—part heart and history, sure, but also ego—is craving a bigger story. Something epic. Not "haha," dang it, but something out of Jane Austen. And if he could provide just a little something something—weeping on your doorstep with a Christmas gift in hand, say, or replying to a text like this with some shattered poetry—you'd get some soothing, validation that your pain has value. Much the way inside the relationship you may have found yourself too often hoping he'd do a little something something so you'd feel valued, so you could finally relax and really believe in this thing that was the two of you.

 

That's the hook, the mental attachment, the addictive stuff, the desire to reach out. You're trying to dim those lights, turn up the music, do one more line of coke, tell a story you can live with so you can move on—except (irony alert) it's the obsession with finding that story that keeps you stuck.

 

In case I sound remotely intelligent, let me say that I'm writing simply from experience, from plenty of flailing in the same trenches.

 

My last long relationship was with my version of "haha"—and pretending "haha" was the stuff of Nobel prizes, pretending I didn't hear her say things like "Why do you like me?" and pretending I didn't mainly think "Um, I don't know." In the wake of it I spent a lot of time twisting and turning, pouring over her version of "haha" pokes as if they were the Rosetta Stone. Of my four big loves it was by far the most shallow and dysfunctional—something I knew the whole time—and yet it was in ways the hardest breakup.

 

Why? I missed her, sure, but I really didn't want to admit that I spent years in something shallow and dysfunctional because (a) hot sex and (b) some hot messes inside me that I wasn't ready to clean up.

 

But, for what it's worth, once I just kind of went down that path—once I cut her out completely, accepted that we'd very likely never know one another, started exploring some of those hot messes—it was a pretty awesome and empowering journey. Some needed self-sleuthing. Cleaned out some emotional cobwebs. Got intimate with my own level again. And, eventually, was able to just go haha at my haha.

 

You are clearly a deep thinker and a deep feeler. Whatever good and whatever bad he brought into your life, he is neither of those, and there's nothing you can do to change that. He is "haha." Remember that, moving forward, so you don't need to reach out to him. Or even, really, spend a lot of time trying to figure him out. No mystery, only a void, pain to feel so you can feel what's on the other side. Which I do promise you is filled with pleasures that you, with all your mental acuity, can literally not imagine.

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Hi guys,

 

I'm just catching up with the replies here. RayRay, you are spot on. He 'checked out' of the relationship months beforehand. When my dad passed away, he couldn't handle it or rather, didn't want to. He would drink, party and display resentment if I needed emotional support.

 

LDJ, you are so right that I and only I am responsible for my happiness. I am feeling myself detach from him with each day. It's like a cord has been cut. Really, I should have ended it months ago during an incident where I phoned and interrupted his night at the pub and he was abusive to me down the phone. I ended up apologising to HIM. Very codependent of me and allowing someone to treat me like that meant that his behaviour gradually worsened. No contact at all is the ONLY thing for my own healing and self-protection. I can't recall the number of times I have cried or felt completely lost and alone as a result of his behaviour. No more.

 

Dasnico, you're right. The last time I saw him, he told me he missed me which I was surprised at. I think that's the most emotional he's been since we broke up. I agree that he wouldn't be communicating sadness on text message, not to me anyway.

 

Bluecastle, as always, you're so spot on. Thank you for your considerate post! You are right that the hardest breakups are with those who are so utterly wrong for us. For me, I felt I had invested so much in this person by moving down South for him, changing jobs, giving up my friends and support network up north and being further from my family. So the relationship was my number 1 priority and I found myself continuously pushing myself and my needs aside to the point I couldn't even recognise who I was or what I needed outside the context of the relationship. All the while, he was establishing himself down here. His investment in me was zero which is entirely his choice, but I wish I had recognised that sooner so I could have avoided months of heartache and isolation. The questions you posed in your message are the same ones that have been spinning around in my head for weeks. I think I need to explore why I was willing to accept such poor treatment from someone and why, despite this, I continued to love them, make excuses for them and fail to see who they were all along. I don't want to end up in a replica of this relationship.

In hindsight, he's not special at all. What makes someone special? I guess it's different for everyone but the special people in my life are such because they are compassionate, caring, kind. In that respect, he is THE most selfish and unspecial person, failing to acknowledge the pain of other people. He is intelligent, ambitious, sure. But those people are ten a penny. If you want to be really shallow about it, he is not good looking: stout 5"8 guy with a hard earned beer belly. No, he's nothing to look at but somehow through my rose-tinted haze, he was the most beautiful person in the world. He loved getting comments from people saying he was punching above his weight with me, and who is the pretty girl on your arm? But when it came to actually finding out about the person beyond looks and superficial exteriors, he turned a blind eye. I am extremely sensitive and compassionate (to a fault), moved to tears by poetry and birdsong, while his response to a heartfelt message was 'haha'. Thank you for the reminder bluecastle.

You're correct about that longing for the something special, the indication from him that the three years we spent together MEANT something.

Your experience sounds crazily familiar (with the addition of hot sex. There was none of that for me sadly! It was more like masturbation with a person than your hand with my ex - another thing I overlooked). I think 'haha' is a great way to describe him - someone who cannot add anything else to my life. We've reached an impasse and have for a long time, but spent months circling the cul-de-sac looking for more road. I look forward to doing some self-sleuthing of my own, and thank you for your wonderful insights, as always xx

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He 'checked out' of the relationship months beforehand. When my dad passed away, he couldn't handle it or rather, didn't want to. He would drink, party and display resentment if I needed emotional support.

 

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

He is either too self interested, or too disinterested to be a proper partner if he can't give you support in those taxing times.

 

Kick his ass all the way to Texas .

 

I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. Unfortunately I have some experience of this. I will not go into it here, but am happy to PM about it if it will help you.

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I'm sorry to hear this.

 

He is either too self interested, or too disinterested to be a proper partner if he can't give you support in those taxing times.

 

Kick his ass all the way to Texas .

 

I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. Unfortunately I have some experience of this. I will not go into it here, but am happy to PM about it if it will help you.

 

Thank you for your kindness RayRay

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