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Thread: Struggling with no contact

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    Struggling with no contact

    Dear all,
    I had been No Contact for about a week (after several failed attempts). Then I had a particularly bad day and found an old love note from my ex from about 2 years ago, telling me he loved me and had a lot of passion and affection for me. I had so much sadness that I didn't care what happened and so ended up texting him a picture of the note and saying 'I came across this the other day, made me feel sad and nostalgic. Hope you're doing well xx' He replied with words to the effect 'Haha, when's that from? I don't remember it. Yeah I'm doing well, keeping busy, how about you?' The fact that he'd said 'haha' when I had communicated that I'd been feeling sad and nostalgic made me not what to respond. I didn't want to hear about how well he was doing when I was, quite frankly, doing terribly. That was about 1.5 weeks ago. I haven't replied since. I feel guilty because if we're ever to be on good terms, I should probably have responded but I didn't feel like it. Now I have the compulsion to text/ email him to explain I was having a bad time (which admittedly, I still am). I know it's a bad idea but I feel somehow incomplete and anxious without him. I've spent the last few years explaining myself away and doing things for him, and now I just feel empty...I know rationally that he doesn't care about an unresponded-to text. He told me the last time I saw him that I've gone down on his list of priorities. So why is he still such a priority in my head? I feel stuck and unable to break this mental attachment to him. I don't know what kind of help I am hoping for, but I hope someone will provide it anyway. Thank you xxx

  2. #2
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Do Not Text

    Can you go outside to help get perspective? Put your phone in the freezer. Go to a movie. But whatever you do, walk out your front door.

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    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Internal process: Replace thoughts of him/past/loss with thoughts of you/future/gains. Your path is yours alone. What do you want? Start earning it with one baby step.

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    I read somewhere once that from a brain chemistry perspective, breaking up with someone is not dissimilar to withdrawal from cocaine. I believe it. It’s tough!

    ... but just as you would never advise a cocaine addict to take another hit to relieve the pain, you also should not try to take another “hit” of your ex to relieve the pain.

    The problem, as you’ve discovered, is that they are never going to respond to you in a satisfactory way. What you were probably hoping was that he would share in your nostalgia and sadness - but he doesn’t want to think about that. And then you get hurt that he didn’t respond the way you hoped.

    The only way through this, IMO, is to throw yourself into other things. Do you workout? Throw yourself into that. You’ll feel (and look!) better. Do you enjoy your work? Throw yourself into that. Do you need to reconnect with friends? Busy yourself with that. The key is to find other things you can concentrate on and go busy yourself as much as possible.

    It gets easier. But the only way it gets easier is if you stop taking “hits” and go do something else. Eventually your brain chemistry will recalibrate.

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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Do Not Text

    Can you go outside to help get perspective? Put your phone in the freezer. Go to a movie. But whatever you do, walk out your front door.
    Thank you! I'm going to. This is such a potent reminder. 'Your path is yours alone' - this means a lot to me. I am going to exercise, get outside. If I could delete his number forever, I would, but I can easily look back on bills and get it which is so annoying. I'm going to take your advice and hope it gets easier by the day. Thank you <3

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    RedDress, I have noticed this too re: brain chemistry. I have never taken cocaine before and after this experience, I never want to. The cravings and urges are so similar to being addicted to a drug, I've even come out in a cold sweat before.

    You're so right that I was hoping he would share my nostalgia. Of course that didn't happen. I have been working out and focusing on building my physical strength, hoping mental strength will follow. I've reconnected with friends from the past and spent more time with current friends. It's in the times between the busyness and friendships that I feel most ruminative. Thinking about him, the past, what he's doing, if we'll ever speak again. Before we broke up, he said to me 'I don't know why you care about me so much, I'm not that special'. Looking at it rationally, I agree. He is one person in a world of billions, and I'm sure many thousands of them are more suitable for me. However, the whole no contact thing initially makes him seem like the most important thing in the world. I just need to remember that, like cocaine, he's just something I'm addicted to that can do me no good!

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    I'm not sure who dumped who, here.

    But if he dumped you, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

    A couple of weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the feelings you are going through are quite normal.

    Time is everything, and you need to wait it out.

    As reddress says, do exercise, work, fill your time. Improve yourself.

    It will be alright in the end, but at first it won't be easy.

    The longer since you have had any contact with him, the easier it will get.

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    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Thank you! I'm going to. This is such a potent reminder. 'Your path is yours alone' - this means a lot to me. I am going to exercise, get outside. If I could delete his number forever, I would, but I can easily look back on bills and get it which is so annoying. I'm going to take your advice and hope it gets easier by the day. Thank you <3
    Yes! We all know, we KNOW, you will succeed at this. Its just a question of when. Its up to you. Outside! No matter the weather!

    Somewhere I've got the article discussing the research that shows the connection between nature and happiness. Get outside, every day, walk around the block. Take phone calls while walking, or if you find yourself on the phone, go outside and walk at the same time.

    Your path, yes yes yes .

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    Hi RayRay,
    It was a mutual split. His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with...partying, drinking and treating me poorly. He wanted to focus on his career blah blah. I wanted to be with him, but I was feeling more and more lonely, hurt and isolated in the context of what was once a loving and supportive relationship. It is difficult but I'll make it through. With my phone beside me, I feel like temptation is always, always there and it's difficult to detach from! I ended up getting in touch with one of his housemates today...I don't know why as I don't like her, but it was an indirect reaching out to him. What I really must do is make a life without him in it instead of feeling like I cannot live without him. It's just so hard.

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    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    I'm not sure who dumped who, here.

    But if he dumped you, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

    A couple of weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the feelings you are going through are quite normal.

    Time is everything, and you need to wait it out.

    As reddress says, do exercise, work, fill your time. Improve yourself.

    It will be alright in the end, but at first it won't be easy.

    The longer since you have had any contact with him, the easier it will get.
    Yes
    Also, there will come a time when you feel better and it seems like contact is OK. It isn't! Don't be fooled!

    One way to think of it is -- Stay on your path. People and activities that aren't on your path: jettison them out of your life. Focus on your path and let in only those people who and activities that belong on your path. He doesn't; so contact is pointless even if it weren't harmful.

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