Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 27 of 27

Thread: Struggling with no contact

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,675
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Before we broke up, he said to me 'I don't know why you care about me so much, I'm not that special'. Looking at it rationally, I agree.
    Sorry you're struggling, Jen. Hugs.

    While all breakups are agonizing, I think some of the hardest are those with people who were just so clearly wrong for us. Those who didn't treat us too well, those who never really saw and cherished the fragile voodoo that makes us us, those we may not have really even been that into, and so on.

    Because when the relationship ends we're left facing some thorny questions: I was with this person why? I invested years in that? I am now feeling like this because of that? What the F is wrong with me?

    Asking those is not fun. It's a bit like looking in the mirror when the lights come on in the bar at the end of the night: nothing is nearly as cute as you thought. Inside the relationship there was at least the comfort of the dim lighting, the loud music, all that illusory cuteness—instead of, you know, some clumpy mascara, ringing eardrums, a stubborn gut that could benefit more from some crunches than another shot of whiskey.

    From what you've written, here and elsewhere, it's crystal clear this guy is not on your level. Heck, even he knows that he is not so special, and I suspect he's known that (as have you) for a good long time. What I get from your posts—and your desire for contact—is a reluctance to fully accept that. Because it means accepting that you got all sorts of invested, and all sorts of twisted around, by someone who is not particularly special, someone who likely will serve no place in your life moving forward.

    Someone whose level, essentially, is "haha."

    So your subconscious—part heart and history, sure, but also ego—is craving a bigger story. Something epic. Not "haha," dang it, but something out of Jane Austen. And if he could provide just a little something something—weeping on your doorstep with a Christmas gift in hand, say, or replying to a text like this with some shattered poetry—you'd get some soothing, validation that your pain has value. Much the way inside the relationship you may have found yourself too often hoping he'd do a little something something so you'd feel valued, so you could finally relax and really believe in this thing that was the two of you.

    That's the hook, the mental attachment, the addictive stuff, the desire to reach out. You're trying to dim those lights, turn up the music, do one more line of coke, tell a story you can live with so you can move on—except (irony alert) it's the obsession with finding that story that keeps you stuck.

    In case I sound remotely intelligent, let me say that I'm writing simply from experience, from plenty of flailing in the same trenches.

    My last long relationship was with my version of "haha"—and pretending "haha" was the stuff of Nobel prizes, pretending I didn't hear her say things like "Why do you like me?" and pretending I didn't mainly think "Um, I don't know." In the wake of it I spent a lot of time twisting and turning, pouring over her version of "haha" pokes as if they were the Rosetta Stone. Of my four big loves it was by far the most shallow and dysfunctional—something I knew the whole time—and yet it was in ways the hardest breakup.

    Why? I missed her, sure, but I really didn't want to admit that I spent years in something shallow and dysfunctional because (a) hot sex and (b) some hot messes inside me that I wasn't ready to clean up.

    But, for what it's worth, once I just kind of went down that path—once I cut her out completely, accepted that we'd very likely never know one another, started exploring some of those hot messes—it was a pretty awesome and empowering journey. Some needed self-sleuthing. Cleaned out some emotional cobwebs. Got intimate with my own level again. And, eventually, was able to just go haha at my haha.

    You are clearly a deep thinker and a deep feeler. Whatever good and whatever bad he brought into your life, he is neither of those, and there's nothing you can do to change that. He is "haha." Remember that, moving forward, so you don't need to reach out to him. Or even, really, spend a lot of time trying to figure him out. No mystery, only a void, pain to feel so you can feel what's on the other side. Which I do promise you is filled with pleasures that you, with all your mental acuity, can literally not imagine.

  2. #22
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    165
    For what it's worth he isn't going to text you and let you know he's sad (if he indeed is). He's going to make it seem like he's doing well. He's not going to put out there that he's down. I wouldn't read into his "haha" comment more than I needed to.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    97
    Gender
    Female
    Hi guys,

    I'm just catching up with the replies here. RayRay, you are spot on. He 'checked out' of the relationship months beforehand. When my dad passed away, he couldn't handle it or rather, didn't want to. He would drink, party and display resentment if I needed emotional support.

    LDJ, you are so right that I and only I am responsible for my happiness. I am feeling myself detach from him with each day. It's like a cord has been cut. Really, I should have ended it months ago during an incident where I phoned and interrupted his night at the pub and he was abusive to me down the phone. I ended up apologising to HIM. Very codependent of me and allowing someone to treat me like that meant that his behaviour gradually worsened. No contact at all is the ONLY thing for my own healing and self-protection. I can't recall the number of times I have cried or felt completely lost and alone as a result of his behaviour. No more.

    Dasnico, you're right. The last time I saw him, he told me he missed me which I was surprised at. I think that's the most emotional he's been since we broke up. I agree that he wouldn't be communicating sadness on text message, not to me anyway.

    Bluecastle, as always, you're so spot on. Thank you for your considerate post! You are right that the hardest breakups are with those who are so utterly wrong for us. For me, I felt I had invested so much in this person by moving down South for him, changing jobs, giving up my friends and support network up north and being further from my family. So the relationship was my number 1 priority and I found myself continuously pushing myself and my needs aside to the point I couldn't even recognise who I was or what I needed outside the context of the relationship. All the while, he was establishing himself down here. His investment in me was zero which is entirely his choice, but I wish I had recognised that sooner so I could have avoided months of heartache and isolation. The questions you posed in your message are the same ones that have been spinning around in my head for weeks. I think I need to explore why I was willing to accept such poor treatment from someone and why, despite this, I continued to love them, make excuses for them and fail to see who they were all along. I don't want to end up in a replica of this relationship.
    In hindsight, he's not special at all. What makes someone special? I guess it's different for everyone but the special people in my life are such because they are compassionate, caring, kind. In that respect, he is THE most selfish and unspecial person, failing to acknowledge the pain of other people. He is intelligent, ambitious, sure. But those people are ten a penny. If you want to be really shallow about it, he is not good looking: stout 5"8 guy with a hard earned beer belly. No, he's nothing to look at but somehow through my rose-tinted haze, he was the most beautiful person in the world. He loved getting comments from people saying he was punching above his weight with me, and who is the pretty girl on your arm? But when it came to actually finding out about the person beyond looks and superficial exteriors, he turned a blind eye. I am extremely sensitive and compassionate (to a fault), moved to tears by poetry and birdsong, while his response to a heartfelt message was 'haha'. Thank you for the reminder bluecastle.
    You're correct about that longing for the something special, the indication from him that the three years we spent together MEANT something.
    Your experience sounds crazily familiar (with the addition of hot sex. There was none of that for me sadly! It was more like masturbation with a person than your hand with my ex - another thing I overlooked). I think 'haha' is a great way to describe him - someone who cannot add anything else to my life. We've reached an impasse and have for a long time, but spent months circling the cul-de-sac looking for more road. I look forward to doing some self-sleuthing of my own, and thank you for your wonderful insights, as always xx

  4. #24
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    The emerald city
    Posts
    709
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by jenberry
    He 'checked out' of the relationship months beforehand. When my dad passed away, he couldn't handle it or rather, didn't want to. He would drink, party and display resentment if I needed emotional support.
    I'm sorry to hear this.

    He is either too self interested, or too disinterested to be a proper partner if he can't give you support in those taxing times.

    Kick his ass all the way to Texas .

    I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. Unfortunately I have some experience of this. I will not go into it here, but am happy to PM about it if it will help you.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    97
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    I'm sorry to hear this.

    He is either too self interested, or too disinterested to be a proper partner if he can't give you support in those taxing times.

    Kick his ass all the way to Texas .

    I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. Unfortunately I have some experience of this. I will not go into it here, but am happy to PM about it if it will help you.
    Thank you for your kindness RayRay <3 I think he just can't access emotions. When we broke up, he said he was numb, he couldn't feel anything. He hasn't expressed anything like sadness and even asked me if there was a way he could 'feel'. So I guess it was hard for someone so emotionally unavailable to determine what their partner might need in terms of support during their grief. I have pretty much come to terms with my father's death but realise now that it was through working through my own grief, and the love and support of friends. My ex asked said to me the week after my dad passed 'you're no fun anymore'. I think even during a dark time, he expected my attention to be on him. Yeah, I realise now how fortunate I am to have escaped this!!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    10,710
    Let's say you have a bad reaction to shellfish. You eat it, it makes you sick, maybe gives you hives or breathing difficulties. You like shellfish, but you know what would happen if you eat it.

    Would it make sense for you to eat shellfish the next time you're hungry?

    Same thing with reaching out to him when you're feeling lonely, want companionship, whatever. You know what's going to happen, you know he's going to be selfish or insensitive or dismissive, so why expect him to soothe you?

    I don't remember, are you moving back to where your family and friends are?

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    97
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Let's say you have a bad reaction to shellfish. You eat it, it makes you sick, maybe gives you hives or breathing difficulties. You like shellfish, but you know what would happen if you eat it.

    Would it make sense for you to eat shellfish the next time you're hungry?

    Same thing with reaching out to him when you're feeling lonely, want companionship, whatever. You know what's going to happen, you know he's going to be selfish or insensitive or dismissive, so why expect him to soothe you?

    I don't remember, are you moving back to where your family and friends are?
    Hi Boltinrun,

    This is a great analogy. I'm going to think of my ex as a prawn (which I despise)! I am indeed moving back to Scotland, but not for 4 months until my lease runs out where I currently am. Plus I am having a surgical procedure in May so there's no chance to move sooner unfortunately xx

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •