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Thread: Struggling with no contact

  1. #11
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    I have always found this as the biggest encouragement to stick to NC: If you are keeping in touch with him you are HELPING HIM GET OVER YOU. You are helping him feel confident enough to find someone else more quickly. You have got to stop it!

  2. #12
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    Every time you choose to contact him or one of his housemates, friends, family members, coworkers, etc. remember you are CHOOSING to deliberately hurt yourself.

    Why would you do that?

    See my signature line :)

  3. #13
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    IAmFCA, You are pretty empowering! Thank you! Yes, I love the idea of jettisoning people out of my life if they are not on the path I am on. Kindness, compassion, strength, happiness - that is my path and I am delighted to say the majority of people in my life are supportive of that. Drama or nastiness in any way: OUT. He was only supportive of his own road, his own path. It saddens me that we may not be in each others lives again, especially as I shared so much with him, but who is now is not someone I wish to know and I can't pick up the past. Thank you for this xxx

  4. #14
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    Enn, I love this. Thank you. I don't want to make it easy for him, as he never has for me.

    Bolt n Run: I know, I realised this after I contacted his (horrible) housemate. She hasn't replied after 6+ hours. It's a painful lesson to learn but a necessary one. I get these horrible urges to contact him where nothing other than contact will suffice, and there is an initial relief after doing so, then a massive surge of regret. It is like a drug. Anyway, that's in the past now and I can only move forward and learn from it. Never again.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Hi RayRay,
    It was a mutual split. His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with...partying, drinking and treating me poorly. He wanted to focus on his career blah blah. I wanted to be with him, but I was feeling more and more lonely, hurt and isolated in the context of what was once a loving and supportive relationship. It is difficult but I'll make it through. With my phone beside me, I feel like temptation is always, always there and it's difficult to detach from! I ended up getting in touch with one of his housemates today...I don't know why as I don't like her, but it was an indirect reaching out to him. What I really must do is make a life without him in it instead of feeling like I cannot live without him. It's just so hard.
    Put your phone in a different room. I know it seems silly, but something about not seeing it helps you not dwell. Give yourself goals. Im not going to look at my phone for 4 hours, 5 hours, etc...

    Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy.

    i know its sucks but you will make it through. I promise.

    I wouldnt have responded to his 'Haha' either but at the same time you were fishing for emotional reassurance and had he given it to you, it would have set you back, so be thankful, in a backwards way he helped you.

    I agree with FCA

    DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

  7. #16
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    Thank you Figureitout. We were always in different places emotionally anyway, with me being very sensitive and him being very cold, so his 'haha' was a reminder that I was looking for reassurance in the wrong places. I've downloaded an app on my phone that shuts it down for a specified period of time when you press a button. It means I can have long breaks without thinking about my phone since, like you said, when it's beside you, the temptation is always there. I have thought about contacting him merely because I wasn't ready to let go of the good times in our relationship, which are long gone anyway. Those times aren't going to happen with him again so I need to let them, and him, go for good. Painful but at least I am more aware of the type of relationship I deserve from now on xxx

  8. #17
    Bronze Member Viceroy's Avatar
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    Thatís so insensitive but you know that is the norm with relationships that have ended .

    Make sure you remember that when you feel like you want to talk to him. Anyways , best thing is for you to stop and remove yourself from communication with him . Eat good food and exercise for your own mental wellbeing . It will get better🤗

  9. #18
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    Thank you Viceroy. Yes, he has been pretty insensitive but to be honest, I don't think it's personal to me. He's just not a sensitive person. I need to remember that when my mind wanders into concern for him, wondering how he is and wanting so badly to take care of him. He doesn't need it so I have to focus on me. I've been eating better since the new year: gone from eating nothing but chocolate to eating loads of fruit and veg and cutting my chocolate intake to a couple of squares a day. Exercising too and going to start weight lifting. I think physical and mental strength go hand in hand so I'm excited for this! Thank you xxx

  10. #19
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    Take back your power and you will take back your happiness. You are allowing this guy and the past you shared with him to have far too much relevance to your current state of mind. You are solely responsible for your happiness, not the reaction, action or inaction of another person. It can be hard work and a bit uncomfortable to pick ourselves up and nurture ourselves back after a setback, its easier to hand that job over to someone else, or something else like an action of event outside of ourselves that we need to happen in order to feel good about ourselves again. But that is taking the easy way out and it totally backfires on us, if that "thing" we are waiting to happen doesn't happen. It's harder, but much more effective to decide for ourselves that we are the master of our own destiny, and fully in control of our perspective on anything and therefore not vulnerable to getting stuck because we are waiting for action from someone else.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Hi RayRay,
    It was a mutual split. His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with...partying, drinking and treating me poorly. He wanted to focus on his career blah blah. I wanted to be with him, but I was feeling more and more lonely, hurt and isolated in the context of what was once a loving and supportive relationship. It is difficult but I'll make it through. With my phone beside me, I feel like temptation is always, always there and it's difficult to detach from! I ended up getting in touch with one of his housemates today...I don't know why as I don't like her, but it was an indirect reaching out to him. What I really must do is make a life without him in it instead of feeling like I cannot live without him. It's just so hard.
    Sounds like he was moving on while you were still together, possibly even waiting for you to pull the trigger so he didn't feel so bad about it, and maybe hoped if it was your decision, you wouldn't feel so bad either. Which is still a form of dumping.

    You could write his phone number down on a piece of paper, and put it in a box along with anything else that reminds you of him -the coffee cup he used, the shirt he bought you for your birthday, etc,. Tape it up and store it out of sight.

    Then delete his number from your phone. Many here recommend blocking. Personally, I keep them so I know if an ex is calling and can decide whether or not to answer.

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