Morally Conflicted

[euphoria2019]

This is a long story and my first post so I'll try to explain as much and as best as I can. I'll include a TL;DR

Back when I was a Sophomore in HS (i was 15), I met this girl on Facebook who went to my same school. We chatted each other up, met at school, hung out, and after a month, we were an official couple.

We were together for 3.5 years (from 15-18), off and on.

During our relationship, I was very much in love with her considering she was my first everything and the only person I had ever connected with at this point in my life. We always hung around each other, talked every day and had many things in common, days went by fast and it was never boring.

Our relationship ended when I found out she was cheating on me. Her friend had informed me and I was pretty crushed. Crushed to the point where I wasn't eating or leaving my room. When I confronted my girlfriend, she never admitted to her infidelity and had made it seem like I was going through her phone or social media to find out the information. We obviously broke up when it happened but after a week of not talking to one another, I made the move to talk to her again and just be friends. We ended up fooling around for about 4 months until I realized she was avoiding getting back together because she was seeing someone else she was interested in. Feeling hurt and stupid once again, I cut ties with her completely and never made the effort to talk to her again.

SO

3 years after breaking up and not having any contact with each other, I get a message from my ex through my social media.
The message, in short terms, said, "Hey, how have you been? I know you might not wanna talk to me but something was telling me to check up on you. I wanna make sure everything is okay. I wanna apologize for being a in the past. I'm definitely not that way anymore.. but yeah, just checking up on ya."

Upon receiving this message, I was conflicted on responding. I spent 3 years getting over my ex and growing as a person to help me with the issues she left behind. One part of me wanted to not responded, but another part of me was curious. So, I asked my sister, her husband, and my sister-in-law for advice. My sister and her husband both advised me to not respond, while my sister-in-law suggested I message her to see what she wanted and what her intentions were.

Going with the lather, I responded.

We talked, caught each other up on where life had taken us (me being 21, constantly needing to be busy while happy; her being 23, a mother while unhappy) and we exchanged another form of communication (Snapchat)

She messaged me almost every day to make small talk, or tell me about her dreams she was having of me and I kept her at arms length away because I wasn't interested in having her too close to me once again.

Eventually, I agreed to meeting up with her for drinks. That night, I tried to drink my nervousness away and ended getting drunk but still being able to know what I was doing. I ended up kissing her that night leading us to pull over and make out for a few minutes before she insisted that I was too drunk and needed to be taken back home.

After, I apologized for my behavior and she reassured me it was okay because she wanted it.

We met up again and we ended up hooking up in her car. We met up another time in her car and talked and kissed, which the next day she said she felt like she was falling for me all over again.

The most current time we met up, she brought her daughter along and I was shocked/nervous. But, I have had much experience with babies since I helped raise my 3 nephews so I flowed with hanging out with them both while in the store.

Through all of this, she has said she wants to be with me because she thinks I'm the one, that I would make a better father to her child than the actual father, has said she misses my family and wants to meet them again, has told her mother and sister about talking to me again (both of them in full support), has confessed that she had missed me all this time we were apart and that she was very sorry for everything she did and she was different now, said she feels she was young and stupid with her past mistakes knowing it wasn't right and knowing it's not excuse.

For me, in the beginning I was going along with meeting her and kissing her because I did like the feeling of when we kissed. It was like when we were younger and I got the same exact feeling that I had never gotten with anyone else. When we ended up hooking up, I felt horrible and guilty for her boyfriend, but I also felt good because I did miss her and I wanted more. I cant say that I'm falling for her again (maybe I am and just being a douche) but I do care deeply for her and I want her to be happy. When I met her daughter, it was when things took a big turn for me.

It went from fooling around to meeting this little life that was too adorable and made me feel a weird way while I was with them both.
I really did enjoy spending time with her and her daughter, but again, I felt completely horrible afterwards because of what exactly we were doing.

Now, things have gotten to the point where I am having feelings for her that I don't think I can keep a secret from anyone else because I do want more. They have gotten to the point where I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure no matter what.

I confronted her about not wanting to be a side piece and that I didn't want to continue this if she was still going to be with her boyfriend because I was going to get attached and love not only her but her daughter as well. She replied with that she wanted to be with me and wanted me apart of both of their lives and that she was sorry but she was using her boyfriend for a way to move out of their current place (his parents' house) and to have a stable place for the baby since she didn't have a job or ability to do it on her own, saying she didn't want to use me. She then said it would take a while for any dramatic changes to happen and if I was feeling like I didn't want to be apart of it, she would totally understand.

With all of this, I've come to terms that it could be true that we may be the one for each other because we do click very well (that's a big thing for me since I don't 'click' with many people in my life), and that I can see a future with her and the baby and we both have expressed we're really happy when we spend time together.

My big problems are the boyfriend situation and my family.

I'm unsure if I should jump ship now before I dig a too deep hole for both of us, or continuing what we're doing and just enjoy our time together before whatever decisions happen.

TL;DR
My ex of 3 years cheated on me and came back into my life 3 years later. We mess around, have feelings for each other, she wants me to be the step daddy but she's still with her boyfriend until she has a stable place for her child. What do I do? Do I leave or ride out the wave until it dries up?

[boltnrun]

So, you left her before because she was cheating.

She contacted you insisting she's "changed"...but what is she doing yet again? Cheating!

You confronted her about not wanting to be a "side piece", but why should she believe you when that's exactly what you are?

Your family is supportive of you helping her cheat on her boyfriend, the father of her child?

She's taking her child to hang out with her affair partner?

Sure, go ahead with continuing to be her side piece, then maybe she'll actually leave her boyfriend for you. And you'll have the joy of being the guy she cheats on again when she decides her child's father is the one she loves and misses and cheats on you with him. Or she finds another gullible man to cheat with.

Please, you can't seriously be considering this!

[LC8328]

I was very much in love with her
I found out she was cheating on me.
Crushed to the point where I wasn't eating or leaving my room.

This relationship already had a rocky past, but it set the tone for everything else.

My sister and her husband both advised me to not respond <<-----Absolutely this. From now on I advise you listen to your sister and her husband.


she never admitted to her infidelity
made it seem like I was going through her phone or social media to find out the information.

So, let's see. She was gaslighting you - so basically making it seem like you were the one in the wrong and she was a saint. Chalking it up to youth & immaturity? Perhaps. Read on then:

tell me about her dreams she was having of me <<---Ensnaring you back in her web. You have already proven by this time that if she wanted you back, she could have you. This was her plan all along since she was miserable with her boyfriend.
ended up kissing her that night
we ended up hooking up in her car.
she said she felt like she was falling for me all over again. <---Sealing the deal, ensuring you're locked in to her again.
Through all of this, she has said she wants to be with me because she thinks I'm the one, that I would make a better father to her child than the actual father, has said she misses my family and wants to meet them again, <----More 'sealing.'
has confessed that she had missed me all this time we were apart and that she was very sorry for everything she did and she was different now, said she feels she was young and stupid with her past mistakes knowing it wasn't right and knowing it's not excuse. <---OK. She apologized, which is nice. She says she is different now. Is she?

Well, let's see:
she was using her boyfriend for a way to move out

Sorry to be rude, but you're just digging your own grave here. She has demonstrated to you time and time again that she only cares about herself.

[maew]

It’s strange that you would have a moral objection to her cheating on you and be okay with being the person she is cheating on her BF with. This leads me to think it’s some sort of competition vs a moral dilemma.

[LDJ]

What will the future look like with a woman who cheated on you and then cheated with you? Is this the sort of person you would like as the future mother of your children and life partner? If yes, then break ties with her for now and invite her to contact you once she is separated and living separately from her partner. If no, then tell her, run far and fast in the opposite direction, and block all or any opportunity she would have to make contact with you. Then go out and find a women to love who is worthy of your trust and respect.

For most of us, our first love is a hard one to get over, they are always held in this artificially super romantically human place in our hearts and in our memories, seldom do they actually live up to that artificial super human person we remember them to be. That's why first loves are special, memorable and best left in the past.

[purplepaisley]

She is cheating on her boyfriend with you. She says she's changed?? No, she's having an affair with you and cheating on her boyfriend, and she's really not exhibiting any moral character, especially bringing her child along to spend time on a "family date" with her affair/side piece. She hasn't changed a bit and she's willing to walk all over and chew up anyone who can provide her with whatever she needs at the moment. She even stated she's just "using" her boyfriend. When she's done with this guy and lands in your home, she'll use you up too before returning back to the father of her child, or maybe she'll find some rich chump to chew up until something else comes along, all the while professing her love for you and denying her infidelity.

You should not be participating with this. You know she is with her boyfriend and you're feeding into this affair when you should be walking away. This is so wrong on so many levels, and it's not just this guy's life you're messing with. You're participating in completely disrupting and derailing this child's life. Don't think for a second you and this woman will go on to live happily ever after and you'll be an instant shoe-in as this child's father.

What this girl needs to be doing is working towards a stable future for herself and her child. She has resources. Single moms do this all time with less to work with. Once she is stable, THEN she can consider dating you or someone else. You need to walk away from this.

[RedDress]

I agree with the others. All this talk about having changed... but changed how? She cheated on you and now she’s cheating on this guy. She clearly doesn’t have any moral qualms about cheating...

And even just the idea that she’s “using” this guy. That doesn’t scare you? Always pay attention to how people treat others. It is exactly how they would feel comfortable treating you...

I’m sorry to say, but this lady is a snake. She is not to be trusted. People with strong moral character TALK about their problems (even if it’s really scary and it could mean that they end up on their own) - and they choose to take the high road even if it’s harder. Anyone can take the high road when it’s easy. It’s the hard stuff that’s the test.

She does have choices. Don’t let her fool you into thinking that she doesn’t. I’m sure she has friends and family. She has the father of the child who would be legally obligated to pay child support. There are community resources. She could get a job. She could go back to school. But none of those are the “easy” options...

I know you care for her - but please take a moment to step away and see things clearly. There are warning signs all over this. You are best to stay away.

[euphoria2019]

I appreciate the feedback. When I was typing this out and reading it back, the whole situation seemed idiotic to me but I still posted wanting an opinion. Thanks.

[Sportster2005]

TL;DR
My ex of 3 years cheated on me and came back into my life 3 years later. We mess around, have feelings for each other, she wants me to be the step daddy but she's still with her boyfriend until she has a stable place for her child. What do I do? Do I leave or ride out the wave until it dries up?

If you're cheating with her, stop pretending you're morally conflicted.

She's cheating on her current bf, she's cheated with you. You don't have a morals problem. Respectfully Sir, you have a judgement problem.

[ThatwasThen]

I appreciate the feedback. When I was typing this out and reading it back, the whole situation seemed idiotic to me but I still posted wanting an opinion. Thanks.

Hopefully this means you are smart enough and with enough self-respect to dump her, block her and let her lay in the bed she has made for herself.

She is incapable of being monogamous and she should get herself into therapy to figure out what it is she suffers from. You, euphoria2019 would do well to get your own professional help to guide you into being able to love yourself enough to laugh at someone who betrayed you ( and apparently destroyed your self-worth/self respect) and quickly be able to tell them to never contact you again.

Those of healthy self love don't invite people like her back into their lives, they ban them from their lives.