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Thread: Is it time to leave her?

  1. #1

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    Is it time to leave her?

    We have been together for almost two years. We have had tons of problems. The newest issue is her not trusting me. It is worth mentioning it is not in my nature to cheat and she really should know that by now. It can't have her melting down on me twice a week or more over things that did not happen. Her accusations become more far fetched every day. Last time she confronted me she literally told me she knew I was cheating because she went through all my electronic devices and didn't come up with any evidence I was cheating which mean I must be cheating because I came up "way too squeaky clean" <--------Just one example

    I eventually turned the tables on her by giving this speech:

    "Darling, I know I am a trustworthy person and obviously you don't. You should know me by know. As an honest human being I have learned the hard way that if a person decides not to trust me it is not because of anything I have done. It is normally a person who does not trust themselves who is just projecting onto me. With that being said, I would like to know what it is you are hiding from me."

    Come to find out, she had been in touch with her ex confirming my suspicions. It gets worse. She told me that she knows how horribly she has treated me since day one so its only natural I would want to cheat or start exploring options and she is scared. Again, projecting her guilt on to me.

    We agreed not to keep secrets from each other, she cut off her ex and she gave me all her logins so I could check up on her. I told her I didn't need that and I am not about to begin a lifestyle of checking up on her. It would better if we just trust each other. She has always had my logins. I gave them to her our first month of dating without her even asking. I have nothing to hide. BTW this hasn't stopped her from continue using to be suspicious of me. Surprise.

    Last night we added a new ingredient to the pu-pu platter. She went to bed early and I needed to find my phone before retiring myself. Couldn't find it so I tried the find my phone website to call it and nothing. Tried a different site and no ring. I figured the next step was to use her phone call mine but the battery was probably dead so it was a longshot. Called myself from her phone and nothing, found the phone in the car and went to bed to find her yelling at me about going through her stuff. I told her I was just trying to find my phone, she didn't believe me so told her to go check my browser history to see if have trying to find my phone for last 20 minutes or so. She tried flip the "you don't trust me so why should I trust you" script on me and just told her if she didn't believe me, even though I could corroborate my story with my browser history, it HER still not trusting ME. Now she feels stupid...........and horny. Now she is sexting me, expecting me come how and her even though I don't know if I want to be with her. If I go home tonight and tell her I don't want sex it will be another meltdown but seriously, who treats a person that way and expects them to just drop their pants for sex.

    I have never been a long term relationship guy but I am old enough to where I just can't keep running for the hills every time I see a red flag. It just seems like if you want to be in a long term relationship you have ignore pile of red flags everywhere. Am I over-correcting my previous dating behavior or is just a sign that we can't be together?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    So: She tells you that you can have all her log in information (which you refuse to partake in) but when you did go in her stuff she blew a gasket on you. Is that correct?

    If it is then why are you trying with this cray-cray chick?

    This relationship is fluff at best and mentally abusive (to both of you because she can't trust you) at worst. I don't understand why you're putting up with it.

  3. #3
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    An ex of mine was like this. He was absolutely convinced I was up to no good (not even remotely true) and nothing could sway him. I got very tired of constantly being expected to defend and explain myself for having done absolutely nothing wrong.

    It turns out that he had other women on the go throughout our relationship. Like your current girlfriend, there was an awful lot of projection going on. He knew what he was up to when my head was turned, and suspected I was capable of the same. And also like your girlfriend, he'd get upset if I didn't want to get intimate, even after he'd just accused me of terrible behaviour.

    I broke up with him about 5 years ago and have never regretted it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Please don't go from one extreme of running from any minor issue to another extreme of putting up with extremely bad, abusive behavior and dealing with a potential cheater.

    You already know that she is projecting. She blew her gasket because she thought you might have gone through her phone? What does that tell you?

    Stop hanging on to a bad match and that's putting it politely.

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  6. #5

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    Does it help that she knows she is in the wrong and wants to improve?

  7. #6

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    I see she has a TON of trust issues or just issues with herself that have nothing to do with you that she needs to work on. you said you see red flags and know not to run away cuz thats not how long relationships work, but that is soooo wrong. you need to see these warning signs and do something about it, or else your whole relationship will stay the same. you do not need to give your logins to your SO and neither does she thats just one sign that this relationship is not good. I say break up with her, find a girl who trusts you and is loyal and doesn't freak out on you all the time. you'll be much happier, I've been in a really long relationship and there was none of that going on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    That sounds seriously exhausting.

    I think when a relationship is becoming more misery than bringing you happiness and when it is now work, then it's time to call it a day.

    It sounds like there are just way too many problems. She sounds very controlling and it's gone way past the point of fixable.

    This relationship sounds over.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by whendrex
    Does it help that she knows she is in the wrong and wants to improve?
    What has she done to "improve"? Therapy? Reading self-help books? Anything?

    Or is it just "I know I need to 'improve'"?

    Is the sex spectacular or something? I can't understand why else you are looking for excuses to stay.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Knowing she needs to improve means nothing is she's not actively working on it.

    Is she seeing a counsellor/therapist? If she trying to be better? Does she plan to commit to getting the proper help?

    I'm not sure either on why you would continue as everything seems a mess.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by whendrex
    Does it help that she knows she is in the wrong and wants to improve?

    My ex-husband would often say he "needed to treat me better" but never did it. We are divorced.
    Saying or "knowing" and taking action to change are two different things. It's the difference between an alcoholic that SAYS they should go to AA and one that actually does.

    No one is perfect, it's true. But her jealousy, insecurity and controlling behavior seems off the charts. IMVHO, it's crossing the line between red flag and emotional abuse.

    I agree with the other posters. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

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