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Hello. I've been married for a few months now and have a great relationship with my husband, however I'm starting to feel a bit resentful towards how our relationship duties and finances are split. To give some background, both my husband and I work full-time. He makes about 4 times my income, and I feel that proportionate-wise, he's not financially putting in as much as he should be.

 

I'm fully responsible for the groceries (which we spend quite a bit on for just 2 people I think), toiletries, household cleaning products, miscellaneous products for the house, etc. This takes up quite a big portion of my monthly income. He on the other hand pays the mortgage, maintenance fees, gas (although only he uses the car for work), and dinners out. His expenses have not changed since we got married and mine have doubled. He also recently inherited quite a big chunk of money which he has invested into the stock market, and is about to get a raise at work as well. In his defense, he is investing in "our future", to save money towards our family home and future kids, etc. But I still feel like he should be paying for at least half of the groceries. I'm starting to fee a bit resentful and a bit jealous (which is not good for any marriage) about how much money he is able to save up and invest, whereas I feel like I'm not able to save much.

 

I know communication is key, and I rarely bring up the money as I'm very proud person, but now that he's gotten a raise and has made money on the stock market, I feel like the least he can do is pay for groceries at least half the time. Am I being fair, or unreasonable? How do other couples do it?

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What sticks out to me right away is the fact that you are saying groceries plus toiletries and household items for two is eating a big chunk of your income. Even with being extravagant with those items, the figure on average would be quite low. And it would be a fraction of true cost of living. You are getting a good deal. Your income must be quite low. Were you living at home or with help prior? Do you have big debts? Is some of this resentment actually frustration at working full time at a low income?

 

I'm asking all this because communication about money is important. And money is a loaded subject. Sometimes it's not about the money when we think it is, but what it represents to us.

 

It's great you recognize letting the resentment fester is not healthy. It's time to open up that dialogue with your husband.

I suggest leading the convo with talk about goals: as individuals and as a couple.

For example, let's say a goal of yours is to land a better paying job and sustainable income to bridge some of the gap here . This is only an example, it may not be a goal of yours nor important to you as a couple. Maybe as a couple you plan on having you be a parent who is full time caregiver. Point is, that's important consideration for how you may choose to handle costs together. You are a team, there to support each other and for the best of the family.

In my example, perhaps him handling grocery costs along with you would be beneficial so you can focus on beefing up your skill set etc.

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Hopefully you realize that the minute you two say "I do" that legally you enter a contract that is a financial partnership owned by both parties and all debts and assets are jointly owned. The exception is any property solely owned prior to marriage and any personal inheritance.

 

All monies are co-owned. You should know this. Why do you have to 'save money" separately? It's not about 'what other people do', as if you are dating and living together, it's about following and knowing marital law.

 

The wisest thing to do is jointly see a financial planner and of course jointly consult a CPA. Privately, you would be wise to consult an attorney regarding your rights as marriage partner. He can not hide or withhold assets from you to "save for a future" independently.

 

Marriage legally is an equal financial partnership so it's quite odd that you feel "jealous" of "his" money. His raise is also your money. As far as investments from inheritance or previously owned assets, only an attorney can answer your questions.

 

You have a say (and of course are responsible for) any financial decisions in a marriage. You need to get out of the just dating "who pays?" mindset. Not discussing finances because you are 'too proud" makes zero sense in a marriage.

 

-I've been married for a few months

-my husband and I work full-time.

-He makes about 4 times my income

-His expenses have not changed since we got married and mine have doubled.

-he is investing in "our future", to save money towards our family home and future kids, etc.

-I still feel like he should be paying for at least half of the groceries.

-I'm starting to fee a bit resentful and a bit jealous about how much money he is able to save up and invest

-I rarely bring up the money as I'm very proud person

-he's gotten a raise and has made money on the stock market

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Hopefully you realize that the minute you two say "I do" that legally you enter a contract that is a financial partnership owned by both parties and all debts and assets are jointly owned. The exception is any property solely owned prior to marriage and any personal inheritance.

 

All monies are co-owned. You should know this. Why do you have to 'save money" separately? It's not about 'what other people do', as if you are dating and living together, it's about following and knowing marital law.

 

The wisest thing to do is jointly see a financial planner and of course jointly consult a CPA. Privately, you would be wise to consult an attorney regarding your rights as marriage partner. He can not hide or withhold assets from you to "save for a future" independently.

 

Marriage legally is an equal financial partnership so it's quite odd that you feel "jealous" of "his" money. His raise is also your money. As far as investments from inheritance or previously owned assets, only an attorney can answer your questions.

 

You have a say (and of course are responsible for) any financial decisions in a marriage. You need to get out of the just dating "who pays?" mindset. Not discussing finances because you are 'too proud" makes zero sense in a marriage.

 

Wiseman, with the win. This is exactly right. It may help to think of your finances as if you are managing a corporation. The marriage isn't you + him, its a third entity - a business with income, personnel expenses, operating expenses, and similarly, assets and liabilities that are needed to run the business.

 

Resentment will lead to divorce. Resentment results from feeling powerless. Use your voice.

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I actually completely disagree with everything Wiseman said. You’re married, but you’re still two separate people.

 

I do find it difficult to sympathize with you, because I am the breadwinner in my family, and it’s not easy. I cannot imagine my husband only paying for groceries, and STILL wanting more help from me. Your husband has worked hard to get where he is, whether that means he went to school and got a degree, or busted his butt at work to get promoted, etc. He makes the money he does because he made decisions and took actions to get there.

 

If you want to earn more, then I would support having a conversation with him about your next steps. Maybe he could support you both while you go to school. Maybe he’d be willing to give you a sum of money to start your own business. But if all you’re paying for is groceries, and you want to ask him for more support, you’re going to make him resent you for not carrying your weight financially.

 

I agree with the three accounts as mentioned above. We started doing things that way about 2 years ago, and it was the best decision we’ve ever made. All of his personal bills are his responsibility (his truck, his phone, his gym membership, his student loans), and my personal bills are my responsibility. Of our total income, I make 63%, so I pay 63% of the remaining shared bills (mortgage, water, electric, etc). Because we are both working adults, with the same amount of opportunity to make money. I’ve worked hard to get into a position where I can make more money, so after my share of the bills is paid, my money is MINE and I can spend how I like. It also makes it far more meaningful when he comes home with a candy bar from the gas station, or a Christmas present I wanted. Because he spent his own money to get me something to make me happy, as opposed to spending “our” money on something I would have rather not spent the money on.

 

So, summary: you need to have a convo with husband. It should not be a convo about you wanting more financial support, but more about how you can work together to get you to the place you want to be in.

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Whatever you jointly own or have a shared liability for as a result of marriage is a matter of law. Not all states are community property states and not all states follow common law, and there are nuances in between. Regardless, in this case, it speaks to a sentiment which is largely irrelevant. No judge is going to demand he give you a larger allowance or pay half the groceries because his money is "both your money." His brokerage isn't going to sell half his equities to transfer your way. The bank isn't going to let you withdraw from an account your name isn't on. His job isn't going to send half his check to you in your name. And regardless of the legal framework, married couples heavily differ on the extent to which they actively practice a "what's mine is yours" philosophy.

 

I would be Indea's husband (not literally.... someday maybe). I make a decent salary, but much less than my wife. She financially contributes more, but hell, now that I'm seeing you were able to strike a deal to pay for groceries and toiletries, I might have to go upstairs and renegotiate our arrangement. But in all seriousness, we both believe in maintaining separate finances while we're both fully capable of continuing, advancing, or changing our own career paths (read: no children in the picture yet).

 

For us, "what's mine is yours" is less a sentiment practiced based for the sake of legalities or feels and much more so in what we share and what we sacrifice for each other. There's nothing about how she earns her money that I have any tangible influence in. But once we start having kids and I'll be the one to sacrifice my own continued financial independence to stay home so she can have the benefit and security of pursuing her career full-time, yeah, the game's going to change.

 

These are things we communicated prior to getting married. They're things you should have as well.

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Lots of good points made. It's important to understand the actual legal aspects of marriage where you live. My partner and I love as common law, and after much discussion about marriage, we have chosen a symbolic ceremony in which we will remain technically common law married and not traditionally married in law. This is in part due to how important it is to both of us respect the values we both have about legal responsibility and ownership. Marriage in our country does not adequately reflect that for us.

 

In any partnership, you have to be on the same page. And to have ongoing dialogue about goals, values, money. If a marriage councillor, lawyer, account can help you in that - and I believe they can- don't hesitate to use those resources.

 

I'd love to hear some answers to my other questions though. I think it could help you in figuring out the real problem you are having here.

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So, rather unusually, we were only married a few months before I became a parent and after maternity leave no more salary but I was home full time with my son. Here's how we did it - since I was working inside the home (no help from family, no sitters, daycare and minimal activities that were not free) he provided for us financially. With an important difference. I knew I'd want to be at home for a longer time than maternity leave so 11 years before we married I started building a financial nest egg so that if I married someone who couldn't 100% provide or do so easily I could provide from my nest egg. Even though he could provide I wanted to contribute so I contribute roughly half our rent per month out of my savings and also paid for my own entertainment and related expenses (which was very low -I was mostly not going out or buying stuff as a SAHM). I felt like I should contribute to the household expenses too although of course less than him.

 

All of that is to say - even though he makes more than you you are a team right now and you don't yet have kids -so if you want more $ see if there is a way to earn more $. Certainly if he wants to go for expensive dinners out or similar and that is outside your income/budget he should pay -as he does - but I'm not sure why contributing for groceries is an issue if he's paying the mortgage/gas (and car expenses?). I agree that I'm not sure how you supported yourself before with rent, etc.

 

I love Iamfca's idea about Suzie Orman and I urge you -before you have kids - since you seem to want more $ see if you can bring in more $ somehow. And yes, communication. Good luck (oh and when I went back to work my paycheck went into our joint account -we also have separate accounts).

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Your only financial responsibility is the groceries and household items, toiletries? He pays for everything else including saving and investments? If I understand this correctly, you have a great deal, it seems reasonably fair in my opinion if he makes 4x your salary.

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All couples should talk about finances before they walk down the aisle. Many marriage prep classes that are church sponsored DO prompt you to discuss your relationships with in-laws-to-be, kids, finances, what are the expectations on both sides are as far as your roles -- both as a talking point and also so its not a shock as to what the other party assumes. It sounds like you never had this conversation or you blindly just agreed.

 

You should be both paying into a joint account, withholding a certain amount per month or per paycheck to have money for gas, incidentals, pocket money that you solely control etc, and i see no problem with doing what is left over from that incidental money to do what you will - whether its to squirrel away or spend. Treating money as if you are roommates does not work - treating one spouse like a tenant does not work in the long run, either, where you are collecting money from the other.

 

If you are the one who gets the groceries - it could very well be an equitable situation - some couples spend between $100-300 per week on food and basic household supplies. Yes, if you were on the upper end of that that's a huge chunk of your paycheck. So you cook, clip coupons,take advantage of sales for staples and use shopping apps to save money and stretch the dollar. Better yet, you both put money into the joint account and pay it from there.

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All couples should talk about finances before they walk down the aisle. Many marriage prep classes that are church sponsored DO prompt you to discuss your relationships with in-laws-to-be, kids, finances, what are the expectations on both sides are as far as your roles -- both as a talking point and also so its not a shock as to what the other party assumes. It sounds like you never had this conversation or you blindly just agreed.

 

You should be both paying into a joint account, withholding a certain amount per month or per paycheck to have money for gas, incidentals, pocket money that you solely control etc, and i see no problem with doing what is left over from that incidental money to do what you will - whether its to squirrel away or spend. Treating money as if you are roommates does not work - treating one spouse like a tenant does not work in the long run, either, where you are collecting money from the other.

 

If you are the one who gets the groceries - it could very well be an equitable situation - some couples spend between $100-300 per week on food and basic household supplies. Yes, if you were on the upper end of that that's a huge chunk of your paycheck. So you cook, clip coupons,take advantage of sales for staples and use shopping apps to save money and stretch the dollar. Better yet, you both put money into the joint account and pay it from there.

 

Yes - I was going to add about couponing. I don't do extreme couponing but I basically did none pre-marriage/child and now I am very aware of it and take advantage. For example I got a major brand face cream for $8 instead of $30 with two different coupons that I could combine. For example.

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Financial issues are a major reason for marital discord and cited in 25% of divorces. Lack of communication is even a higher cause of discord, stress and divorce.

 

Unfortunately after only a few mos, of marriage, you have both. It's time to get outside help from financial advisers marriage therapy, etc. You are already resentful and after mere mos., your marriage is at significant risk for divorce. This is way beyond a DIY survey of what other people do and some "who pays" style dating tips.

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Financial issues are a major reason for marital discord and cited in 25% of divorces. Lack of communication is even a higher cause of discord, stress and divorce.

 

Unfortunately after only a few mos, of marriage, you have both. It's time to get outside help from financial advisers marriage therapy, etc. You are already resentful and after mere mos., your marriage is at significant risk for divorce. This is way beyond a DIY survey of what other people do and some "who pays" style dating tips.

 

i think being afraid to talk about finances before marriage is not productive. Not everyone is hiding a financial problem but for the fact that there is a lot of assuming going on.

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I live in Manhattan and am in charge of groceries since I'm the one who cooks. I also handle toiletries. I could only wish my weekly budget was anywhere near $300 per week. It'd be ribeye every Friday. I have no idea if this lady and her guy are each 600 pounds or if she does all her shopping in the organic aisle, but I cannot possibly imagine that paying for food and household items in lieu of mortgage, utilities, household maintenance, car expenses, etc. would break anyone's bank.

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I live in Manhattan and am in charge of groceries since I'm the one who cooks. I also handle toiletries. I could only wish my weekly budget was anywhere near $300 per week. It'd be ribeye every Friday. I have no idea if this lady and her guy are each 600 pounds or if she does all her shopping in the organic aisle, but I cannot possibly imagine that paying for food and household items in lieu of mortgage, utilities, household maintenance, car expenses, etc. would break anyone's bank.

 

If she makes $10 an hour and he makes $75,000 per year, i can understand how after groceries, household cleaning supplies and other things for the home swiftly uses up her paycheck.

 

I guess my bigger concern is-- so you pick the groceries up because you do the cooking so you can select what you want to cook (which makes sense), but i doubt if your money and your wife's money is completely separate and i doubt if your wife pays the main bills, then ferrets the overage for herself while you have $10 leftover after you pay for food and entertainment and then she goes out and buys fur coats and diamond rings while you wear the same holey coat for 12 years. If one person is responsible for the groceries due to convenience (they are the one that cooks, their schedule better allows it), that's great, but they should have full say in the rest of the budget and know fully where all the money goes and make joint decisions on everything else.

 

My guy already had a house, car, etc, and didn't need extra income to make ends meet - he was very clear about the married situation - he is not expecting a wife to pay 50 percent. he was expecting that whatever she made would be bonus -- go into the same pot, i would be responsible to keep TRACK and pay bills he wasn't used to having that would be extra - but out of the join

t account) but he wasn't expecting a woman to make what he made, etc. Maybe even though she thinks otherwise, that this is the true situation and because she doesn't see where the rest of the money goes, it worries her.

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If she makes $10 an hour and he makes $75,000 per year, i can understand how after groceries, household cleaning supplies and other things for the home swiftly uses up her paycheck.

 

I guess my bigger concern is-- so you pick the groceries up because you do the cooking so you can select what you want to cook (which makes sense), but i doubt if your money and your wife's money is completely separate and i doubt if your wife pays the main bills, then ferrets the overage for herself while you have $10 leftover after you pay for food and entertainment and then she goes out and buys fur coats and diamond rings while you wear the same holey coat for 12 years. If one person is responsible for the groceries due to convenience (they are the one that cooks, their schedule better allows it), that's great, but they should have full say in the rest of the budget and know fully where all the money goes and make joint decisions on everything else.

 

My guy already had a house, car, etc, and didn't need extra income to make ends meet - he was very clear about the married situation - he is not expecting a wife to pay 50 percent. he was expecting that whatever she made would be bonus -- go into the same pot, i would be responsible to keep TRACK and pay bills he wasn't used to having that would be extra - but out of the join

t account) but he wasn't expecting a woman to make what he made, etc. Maybe even though she thinks otherwise, that this is the true situation and because she doesn't see where the rest of the money goes, it worries her.

I've lived on every corner of these United States, in each of the Big Three cities, and several places in between. There is no city, town, or village where paying for groceries and toiletries would have broken my bank anywhere near how much it would if I were responsible for a mortgage, car, utilities, and household maintenance (the latter alone capable of beating the cost of an entire year's worth of groceries after a single incident). Not for $8/hr. or any rate.

 

Our money is in fact separate. We have stipulations written and notarized such as if I were to give up my contracts to relocate for the benefit of her career or once we start having children. Until then, there is nothing I'm disproportionately sacrificing to entitle me to her money or a say in how she spends it beyond the responsibilities we've agreed to fulfill. She doesn't pay the entirety of the main bills, but she does pay more than I do. Pretty much any and all the extra money I have gets thrown into my brokerage account anyway, so I frankly don't care if my wife elects to pay for shoes or necklaces with the extra money she has left. Beyond my initial investment into my "man cave," I drop $60 a year for a decent pair of cleats, and that's pretty much good for me.

 

The quality of life I'm afforded due to what my wife disproportionately pays for is beyond enough for me to quite easily duck any potential feelings of resentment should she go hog wild on an Ann Taylor sale. If the OP can look at the money she pays toward groceries and household supplies and honestly tell herself she could could do better than the household and luxuries she's got being married to this man, then by all means, she should go on and fight the good fight. Otherwise, it's best to maintain some perspective and appreciation. We're no longer in an age where women are bred to be housewives, jumping from being dependent on her parents to being dependent on a husband. I certainly wasn't bred to take for granted a richer woman's career which I played very little part in cultivating. Beyond expressly communicated financial goals and responsibilities and insofar as both spouses are entirely capable and free to do as they will with their professional lives, I think an approach such as the husband's is perfectly fine and reasonable.

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I don't relate to the assumption that all should go in the same pot especially if adults marry after amassing savings/portfolio/nest egg etc. In some cases I'm sure it works fine. I'd have to know more about why the grocery bill is so high and so challenging for her to pay since he's paying the mortgage, etc.

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