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Thread: Right woman to marry

  1. #1
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    Right woman to marry

    Hello
    I have been dating for some time with a girl I think to marry.
    She has personality of woman perfect for marriage:
    -Suportive
    -Loyal
    -Good person
    -Good with kids
    -Family type
    Etc

    We are both in 30-40ties no marriage and kids before.

    Problem is that I am not attracted to her from sexual perspective.

    What should I do?
    Thank you

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Is this an arranged marriage? Why must you marry someone you are not attracted to?

  3. #3
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    Hi

    So it sounds like you found everything youíve been wanting except for the looks. If You donít feel sexually attracted to her then Iím guessing no chemistry? I find that you need to have chemistry and sexual attraction to your partner. Otherwise itís as if youíre just dating a friend.

    I wouldnít marry her if thereís no sexual attraction. I donít know if this is an arranged marriage. If not then consider her a good friend and release her to find someone who will be attracted to her in that way.

    Good luck

  4. #4
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    Are you dating this person, or just friends? How long and how well do you know her?

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  6. #5
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    We have been in relationship for 2 years.
    It is not arranged marriage.

    All my ex-girlfriends were not such good person like this gf.
    I was looking long time for a woman with good personality to share life with.
    Was thinking that appearance and chemistry fade over time and that personality is more important at the end of the day....
    But now I see that it is not easy to forget about physicall attraction/chemistry...

  7. #6
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    ...i know her very well.
    She is very good person and I wouldn't like to hurt her ever.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    So, what made you previously sexually interested in your partners was their physical appeal? Basically, you were lucky in that they were both good and attractive people? Relying on physical attributes to fuel a sex life is rather inefficient, so unless you want to continue with your search for miss kind and gorgeous, pondering on what creates the kind of want for someone that doesn't fail to turn you on would be of use to you.

    What, in your opinion, makes you husband material for her? I'm asking because it comes off as if you believe there's things about a partner that'll just guarantee you a fulfilling relationship. Not surprised that you'd hope for a hot saint, but what should you be? In order to make a relationship fulfilling for both her and yourself, and in order to not require an exceptionally attractive specimen of the female kind to spark your sexual interest?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    So, what made you previously sexually interested in your partners was their physical appeal? Basically, you were lucky in that they were both good and attractive people? Relying on physical attributes to fuel a sex life is rather inefficient, so unless you want to continue with your search for miss kind and gorgeous, pondering on what creates the kind of want for someone that doesn't fail to turn you on would be of use to you.

    What, in your opinion, makes you husband material for her? I'm asking because it comes off as if you believe there's things about a partner that'll just guarantee you a fulfilling relationship. Not surprised that you'd hope for a hot saint, but what should you be? In order to make a relationship fulfilling for both her and yourself, and in order to not require an exceptionally attractive specimen of the female kind to spark your sexual interest?
    Thank you very much RainyCoast!
    English is not my mothertongue, so I hope that I understood correctly. If not, I apologise in advance.

    I don't believe that there are guarantees for good marriage but person should chose wisely partner for marriage in order to decrease risk of broken familly, kids suffering, psychological problems, etc. in life.

    Yes I was probably attracted to my exes physically - but I am only man, with man's instincts like all other men...
    Yet, I know that there is more than physical attraction.

    I don't know if she sees me as good material for husband.
    I will for sure do my best to be good husband: be supportive, provide respect, love, security, work hard to provide nice life, invest all in my power to jointly rise children into good people...

  10. #9
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    It's natural when relationships don't work out, to seek out the opposite. You previously picked women you were attracted to that you didn't think were " good people" but now you've picked a woman you do think is good person that you aren't very attracted to.

    The problem is that neither is ideal. I promise you there are beautiful women out there that you will be attracted to, that are also good people. The two are not mutually exclusive. You will eventually hit relationship landmines with either extreme of only having one form of attraction to them.

    Physical attraction and sex are not everything- HOWEVER- they are very important in marriage. If your wife doesn't feel like you desire her, that will chip away at her and your marriage. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. If you don't feel strong attraction to her- multiply that over 10, 20, 30. It's true that some attraction fades over time just due to the intimate experience not being "new". But if you don't feel strong attraction at the beginning, that doesn't look very good for your future.

    You can learn to like someone. You can learn to love someone. But you cannot learn to be attracted to someone. A relationship without sex is called Friendship. Movies lie, the best relationships do NOT always come out of friendships.
    I once tried to date a friend of mine. He was great on paper- Nice person, smart, funny. I loved his personality. I felt like I "ought to be" attracted to him and that if I didn't, I was shallow. But I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. He wasn't a bad looking guy, there was just no heat there. And that cannot be manufactured. I thought that maybe if we dated that I'd "grow" to be attracted to him. Never happened. It got to a point where he wanted to be intimate and I was really uncomfortable at the thought. Not because of him, just because there was nothing there sexually and I knew I'd be lying to him and faking enjoyment of the experience- which he did NOT deserve. Finally, I just had to bite the bullet and tell him that I didn't want to be intimate with him, and I couldn't see ever being intimate with him. That I just wasn't physically attracted to him.
    It crushed him. I mean crushed him. He didn't speak to me for several years and I felt horrible. I felt like something must be wrong with me, because he was everything I wanted on paper. Eventually he spoke to me again and we are friends again, as we always should have remained.
    He is now dating a woman that is physically attracted to him as well as emotionally. And they are a great couple and he is very happy.
    What if I had tried to stay with him "just cause"? Neither one of us would have been happy. And I would have prevented BOTH he and myself from finding someone who loves all aspects of us equally.
    A relationship cannot flourish with just ONE aspect you like about someone. Hence why the old ones of yours failed and this one seems doomed to as well.

    You will not be doing this woman any favors by marrying her only to (even unintentionally) make her feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. Yes, personality is important but sexual attraction is equally important- especially in a marriage. Most especially in an expectation of a monogamous marriage. There's lots of people out there that marry someone they like, but aren't that attracted to. Eventually they cheat sexually even though they love their partner. That's just another type of lie and deception. You are still hurting them. Don't believe me, just peruse this board more. See if people appreciate being "the consolation partner". I personally think it's better to be honest now and let her find someone that wants her for ALL of her.

    It wasn't until I met my current husband that I felt an equal amount of sexual attraction and personality attraction. It's tough to find, but it IS possible.
    Whatever you decide to do, please do NOT settle for your sake and ESPECIALLY for this woman's sake.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    It's natural when relationships don't work out, to seek out the opposite. You previously picked women you were attracted to that you didn't think were " good people" but now you've picked a woman you do think is good person that you aren't very attracted to.

    The problem is that neither is ideal. I promise you there are beautiful women out there that you will be attracted to, that are also good people. The two are not mutually exclusive. You will eventually hit relationship landmines with either extreme of only having one form of attraction to them.

    Physical attraction and sex are not everything- HOWEVER- they are very important in marriage. If your wife doesn't feel like you desire her, that will chip away at her and your marriage. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. If you don't feel strong attraction to her- multiply that over 10, 20, 30. It's true that some attraction fades over time just due to the intimate experience not being "new". But if you don't feel strong attraction at the beginning, that doesn't look very good for your future.

    You can learn to like someone. You can learn to love someone. But you cannot learn to be attracted to someone. A relationship without sex is called Friendship. Movies lie, the best relationships do NOT always come out of friendships.
    I once tried to date a friend of mine. He was great on paper- Nice person, smart, funny. I loved his personality. I felt like I "ought to be" attracted to him and that if I didn't, I was shallow. But I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. He wasn't a bad looking guy, there was just no heat there. And that cannot be manufactured. I thought that maybe if we dated that I'd "grow" to be attracted to him. Never happened. It got to a point where he wanted to be intimate and I was really uncomfortable at the thought. Not because of him, just because there was nothing there sexually and I knew I'd be lying to him and faking enjoyment of the experience- which he did NOT deserve. Finally, I just had to bite the bullet and tell him that I didn't want to be intimate with him, and I couldn't see ever being intimate with him. That I just wasn't physically attracted to him.
    It crushed him. I mean crushed him. He didn't speak to me for several years and I felt horrible. I felt like something must be wrong with me, because he was everything I wanted on paper. Eventually he spoke to me again and we are friends again, as we always should have remained.
    He is now dating a woman that is physically attracted to him as well as emotionally. And they are a great couple and he is very happy.
    What if I had tried to stay with him "just cause"? Neither one of us would have been happy. And I would have prevented BOTH he and myself from finding someone who loves all aspects of us equally.
    A relationship cannot flourish with just ONE aspect you like about someone. Hence why the old ones of yours failed and this one seems doomed to as well.

    You will not be doing this woman any favors by marrying her only to (even unintentionally) make her feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. Yes, personality is important but sexual attraction is equally important- especially in a marriage. Most especially in an expectation of a monogamous marriage. There's lots of people out there that marry someone they like, but aren't that attracted to. Eventually they cheat sexually even though they love their partner. That's just another type of lie and deception. You are still hurting them. Don't believe me, just peruse this board more. See if people appreciate being "the consolation partner". I personally think it's better to be honest now and let her find someone that wants her for ALL of her.

    It wasn't until I met my current husband that I felt an equal amount of sexual attraction and personality attraction. It's tough to find, but it IS possible.
    Whatever you decide to do, please do NOT settle for your sake and ESPECIALLY for this woman's sake.
    Redswim, thank you very much for very good advice!
    Now I understand the situation much better.

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