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Right woman to marry


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Hello

I have been dating for some time with a girl I think to marry.

She has personality of woman perfect for marriage:

-Suportive

-Loyal

-Good person

-Good with kids

-Family type

Etc

 

We are both in 30-40ties no marriage and kids before.

 

Problem is that I am not attracted to her from sexual perspective.

 

What should I do?

Thank you

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Hi

 

So it sounds like you found everything you’ve been wanting except for the looks. If You don’t feel sexually attracted to her then I’m guessing no chemistry? I find that you need to have chemistry and sexual attraction to your partner. Otherwise it’s as if you’re just dating a friend.

 

I wouldn’t marry her if there’s no sexual attraction. I don’t know if this is an arranged marriage. If not then consider her a good friend and release her to find someone who will be attracted to her in that way.

 

Good luck

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We have been in relationship for 2 years.

It is not arranged marriage.

 

All my ex-girlfriends were not such good person like this gf.

I was looking long time for a woman with good personality to share life with.

Was thinking that appearance and chemistry fade over time and that personality is more important at the end of the day....

But now I see that it is not easy to forget about physicall attraction/chemistry...

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So, what made you previously sexually interested in your partners was their physical appeal? Basically, you were lucky in that they were both good and attractive people? Relying on physical attributes to fuel a sex life is rather inefficient, so unless you want to continue with your search for miss kind and gorgeous, pondering on what creates the kind of want for someone that doesn't fail to turn you on would be of use to you.

 

What, in your opinion, makes you husband material for her? I'm asking because it comes off as if you believe there's things about a partner that'll just guarantee you a fulfilling relationship. Not surprised that you'd hope for a hot saint, but what should you be? In order to make a relationship fulfilling for both her and yourself, and in order to not require an exceptionally attractive specimen of the female kind to spark your sexual interest?

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So, what made you previously sexually interested in your partners was their physical appeal? Basically, you were lucky in that they were both good and attractive people? Relying on physical attributes to fuel a sex life is rather inefficient, so unless you want to continue with your search for miss kind and gorgeous, pondering on what creates the kind of want for someone that doesn't fail to turn you on would be of use to you.

 

What, in your opinion, makes you husband material for her? I'm asking because it comes off as if you believe there's things about a partner that'll just guarantee you a fulfilling relationship. Not surprised that you'd hope for a hot saint, but what should you be? In order to make a relationship fulfilling for both her and yourself, and in order to not require an exceptionally attractive specimen of the female kind to spark your sexual interest?

 

Thank you very much RainyCoast!

English is not my mothertongue, so I hope that I understood correctly. If not, I apologise in advance.

 

I don't believe that there are guarantees for good marriage but person should chose wisely partner for marriage in order to decrease risk of broken familly, kids suffering, psychological problems, etc. in life.

 

Yes I was probably attracted to my exes physically - but I am only man, with man's instincts like all other men...

Yet, I know that there is more than physical attraction.

 

I don't know if she sees me as good material for husband.

I will for sure do my best to be good husband: be supportive, provide respect, love, security, work hard to provide nice life, invest all in my power to jointly rise children into good people...

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It's natural when relationships don't work out, to seek out the opposite. You previously picked women you were attracted to that you didn't think were " good people" but now you've picked a woman you do think is good person that you aren't very attracted to.

 

The problem is that neither is ideal. I promise you there are beautiful women out there that you will be attracted to, that are also good people. The two are not mutually exclusive. You will eventually hit relationship landmines with either extreme of only having one form of attraction to them.

 

Physical attraction and sex are not everything- HOWEVER- they are very important in marriage. If your wife doesn't feel like you desire her, that will chip away at her and your marriage. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. If you don't feel strong attraction to her- multiply that over 10, 20, 30. It's true that some attraction fades over time just due to the intimate experience not being "new". But if you don't feel strong attraction at the beginning, that doesn't look very good for your future.

 

You can learn to like someone. You can learn to love someone. But you cannot learn to be attracted to someone. A relationship without sex is called Friendship. Movies lie, the best relationships do NOT always come out of friendships.

I once tried to date a friend of mine. He was great on paper- Nice person, smart, funny. I loved his personality. I felt like I "ought to be" attracted to him and that if I didn't, I was shallow. But I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. He wasn't a bad looking guy, there was just no heat there. And that cannot be manufactured. I thought that maybe if we dated that I'd "grow" to be attracted to him. Never happened. It got to a point where he wanted to be intimate and I was really uncomfortable at the thought. Not because of him, just because there was nothing there sexually and I knew I'd be lying to him and faking enjoyment of the experience- which he did NOT deserve. Finally, I just had to bite the bullet and tell him that I didn't want to be intimate with him, and I couldn't see ever being intimate with him. That I just wasn't physically attracted to him.

It crushed him. I mean crushed him. He didn't speak to me for several years and I felt horrible. I felt like something must be wrong with me, because he was everything I wanted on paper. Eventually he spoke to me again and we are friends again, as we always should have remained.

He is now dating a woman that is physically attracted to him as well as emotionally. And they are a great couple and he is very happy.

What if I had tried to stay with him "just cause"? Neither one of us would have been happy. And I would have prevented BOTH he and myself from finding someone who loves all aspects of us equally.

A relationship cannot flourish with just ONE aspect you like about someone. Hence why the old ones of yours failed and this one seems doomed to as well.

 

You will not be doing this woman any favors by marrying her only to (even unintentionally) make her feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. Yes, personality is important but sexual attraction is equally important- especially in a marriage. Most especially in an expectation of a monogamous marriage. There's lots of people out there that marry someone they like, but aren't that attracted to. Eventually they cheat sexually even though they love their partner. That's just another type of lie and deception. You are still hurting them. Don't believe me, just peruse this board more. See if people appreciate being "the consolation partner". I personally think it's better to be honest now and let her find someone that wants her for ALL of her.

 

It wasn't until I met my current husband that I felt an equal amount of sexual attraction and personality attraction. It's tough to find, but it IS possible.

Whatever you decide to do, please do NOT settle for your sake and ESPECIALLY for this woman's sake.

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It's natural when relationships don't work out, to seek out the opposite. You previously picked women you were attracted to that you didn't think were " good people" but now you've picked a woman you do think is good person that you aren't very attracted to.

 

The problem is that neither is ideal. I promise you there are beautiful women out there that you will be attracted to, that are also good people. The two are not mutually exclusive. You will eventually hit relationship landmines with either extreme of only having one form of attraction to them.

 

Physical attraction and sex are not everything- HOWEVER- they are very important in marriage. If your wife doesn't feel like you desire her, that will chip away at her and your marriage. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. If you don't feel strong attraction to her- multiply that over 10, 20, 30. It's true that some attraction fades over time just due to the intimate experience not being "new". But if you don't feel strong attraction at the beginning, that doesn't look very good for your future.

 

You can learn to like someone. You can learn to love someone. But you cannot learn to be attracted to someone. A relationship without sex is called Friendship. Movies lie, the best relationships do NOT always come out of friendships.

I once tried to date a friend of mine. He was great on paper- Nice person, smart, funny. I loved his personality. I felt like I "ought to be" attracted to him and that if I didn't, I was shallow. But I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. He wasn't a bad looking guy, there was just no heat there. And that cannot be manufactured. I thought that maybe if we dated that I'd "grow" to be attracted to him. Never happened. It got to a point where he wanted to be intimate and I was really uncomfortable at the thought. Not because of him, just because there was nothing there sexually and I knew I'd be lying to him and faking enjoyment of the experience- which he did NOT deserve. Finally, I just had to bite the bullet and tell him that I didn't want to be intimate with him, and I couldn't see ever being intimate with him. That I just wasn't physically attracted to him.

It crushed him. I mean crushed him. He didn't speak to me for several years and I felt horrible. I felt like something must be wrong with me, because he was everything I wanted on paper. Eventually he spoke to me again and we are friends again, as we always should have remained.

He is now dating a woman that is physically attracted to him as well as emotionally. And they are a great couple and he is very happy.

What if I had tried to stay with him "just cause"? Neither one of us would have been happy. And I would have prevented BOTH he and myself from finding someone who loves all aspects of us equally.

A relationship cannot flourish with just ONE aspect you like about someone. Hence why the old ones of yours failed and this one seems doomed to as well.

 

You will not be doing this woman any favors by marrying her only to (even unintentionally) make her feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. Yes, personality is important but sexual attraction is equally important- especially in a marriage. Most especially in an expectation of a monogamous marriage. There's lots of people out there that marry someone they like, but aren't that attracted to. Eventually they cheat sexually even though they love their partner. That's just another type of lie and deception. You are still hurting them. Don't believe me, just peruse this board more. See if people appreciate being "the consolation partner". I personally think it's better to be honest now and let her find someone that wants her for ALL of her.

 

It wasn't until I met my current husband that I felt an equal amount of sexual attraction and personality attraction. It's tough to find, but it IS possible.

Whatever you decide to do, please do NOT settle for your sake and ESPECIALLY for this woman's sake.

 

Redswim, thank you very much for very good advice!

Now I understand the situation much better.

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I agree with redswim and had similar experiences. I’ll also say you need not look for a woman who is beautiful looking by some external evaluation. All that matters is that you feel chemistry and passion. Sure it’s nice to have arm candy if that’s your thing but arm candy doesn’t mean the chemistry is right. Also you need to have that foundation of chemistry so if things are kind of in a rut temporarily you feel secure that you can revive the passion and you both want to and both know how. Let her find her person and you find yours. Good luck.

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Dear all,

Thank you for the comments, advices and help.

Message what to do is clear.

 

Now I will have to deal with the problem of how to find the right woman for me.

I haven't succeeded it in 40+ years, so confidence that this will happen is not at the top level. Same with the motivation...

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Could it be you are too picky or find fault to avoid relationships/marriage? Are you sure you want to marry or is it just pressure from friends, family, society?

 

Your exgf whom you broke up with then regretted it, recently got married. What happened there that you didn't marry her either?:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=540905&p=6885959&viewfull=1#post6885959

 

Wiseman2, thank you for these questions!

 

Breakup with this ex really was tough for me.

Needed 4-5 years to fully move on. Eventually I moved to another country to forget.

 

I broke up in first place because was under big pressure at work (was going through burnout sindrom), she couldn't understand..

Another reason was that she is very materialistic - I was afraid that once during marriage when financial problems popup she could leave me, etc.

In everithing else we were very much compatible...

 

Do I want to get married?

I guess yes.

All my friends are married, I am alone and feeling that life is passing by me. It is good to have someone to share it with.

But also, yes there is pressure from family, society...

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Problem is that I am not attracted to her

 

It makes no sense to partner with anyone to whom you're not attracted. It does them no favors, and it's a miserable way to live--have you noticed?

 

Most people are not our match. This includes the millions of kind and loving and otherwise lovely people in the world who would make someone ELSE a great partner.

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It makes no sense to partner with anyone to whom you're not attracted. It does them no favors, and it's a miserable way to live--have you noticed?

 

Most people are not our match. This includes the millions of kind and loving and otherwise lovely people in the world who would make someone ELSE a great partner.

 

Thank you for the advice.

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Are you being realistic? Are you not as attracted to her because you are holding out for a woman who looks like a model?

 

Or do you just feel like brother and sister?

 

There is a big difference. If you think more of her as a sister and can't even picture yourself kissing her not because she is gross or ugly but because she feels like she is more of just a friend that's one thing, but if you are stopping yourself from being attracted to everything about her because she is not a perfect beauty -- well then you will never meet someone.

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Are you being realistic? Are you not as attracted to her because you are holding out for a woman who looks like a model?

 

Or do you just feel like brother and sister?

 

There is a big difference. If you think more of her as a sister and can't even picture yourself kissing her not because she is gross or ugly but because she feels like she is more of just a friend that's one thing, but if you are stopping yourself from being attracted to everything about her because she is not a perfect beauty -- well then you will never meet someone.

Hi

I am not searching for model.

Also I am not looking her as sister.

At the beginning she attracted me with her personality.

 

All my exes were more attractive.

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Truly, in less you have a very low sex drive, odds are if you're not sexually attracted you two as a couple will never reach the degree of closeness and intimacy a couple needs for a long healthy marriage.

 

As you mentioned better to keep looking for Ms right.

 

Dating in your 40s isn't bad at all. You're settled, you know more of what works for you, and have more money to get around.

 

Best of luck.

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Truly, in less you have a very low sex drive, odds are if you're not sexually attracted you two as a couple will never reach the degree of closeness and intimacy a couple needs for a long healthy marriage.

 

As you mentioned better to keep looking for Ms right.

 

Dating in your 40s isn't bad at all. You're settled, you know more of what works for you, and have more money to get around.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you!

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