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Airport pick up


Menomek

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Hi, my girlfriend went on holiday for about a week and she's upset that I can't pick her up at the airport. Before she left, I already mentioned that I have a dinner with colleagues the night she arrives. The dinner was organized few weeks ago, before she even booked her trip. If I go to pick her up, I would have to skip dinner or at best spend about 1 hour there. Am I being unreasonable?

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No, you are definitely not in this case but it may be that this is a manifestation of a deeper grievance. Is this the first time you decline to make her a priority? Does she often complain about you not being there for her or not helping her out and on which occasions? She is either a spoiled brat or you may have been neglectful in other ways. Which is it?

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How long have you been dating? How old is she? She must not travel too much if she's never used airport transportation before and expects friends and family to be at her beck and call for that.

 

Why won't any of her friends or family go get her? Or is this some sort of power struggle or you have to prove your love, devotion, bf value, whatever, this way?

 

How did she get to and from the airport at her travel destination? If they have taxis and ride services there surely they exist where you are, no?

Before she left, I already mentioned that I have a dinner with colleagues the night she arrives. The dinner was organized few weeks ago, before she even booked her trip. If I go to pick her up, I would have to skip dinner or at best spend about 1 hour there.
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It’s true that there is this romantic notion around being picked up at the airport. It absolutely makes you feel a little ‘extra’ loved and that people were looking forward to your return. I travel quite a bit and I’ll admit that I do love it when people offer to pick me up. It’s a lovely gesture.

 

That said, most adults understand that life is not like the movies and sometimes there are other things going on. As adults, we are self-sufficient and find other ways to solve for problems.

 

I agree with Clio. Either she is being high-maintenance or this is a trend in your relationship. If you regularly don’t make her a priority or neglect her or she generally feels unloved, this is another piece of “evidence” of a pre-existing feeling. Only you know which one rings more true.

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How important is this dinner? Meaning is this something important to your career where you just have to be present or is this just dinner?

 

If it's just dinner, you are basically telling your gf that even though you haven't seen her in a week, you couldn't care less and would rather go hang with your work buddies than welcome her back. This isn't about the logistics but the emotional message you are sending, which is "I don't value you."

 

If it is important for you to be at that dinner, you need to explain to her why and then do something special later. Let her know you've missed her.

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You don't need to explain anything. Your girlfriend's a grown woman who can get herself home. I'm not aware of an airport in the world that doesn't have a taxi lane, and I've traveled through quite a few 3 - 4 gate airports.

 

If the notion of value in your relationship is contingent on a partner ducking a social commitment to needlessly make a however hour long round trip to and from the airport, I'd bow out sooner than later.

 

I've always picked up friends and girlfriends alike if they happen to be flying in at a time I can swing it, assuming they didn't decide flying into O'Hare or LAX at 5:00pm on a Friday would be the perfect time. I've appreciated when they've been able to do so for me. But it's a courtesy and a luxury. Your default assumption and expectation should be getting yourself home.

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You don't need to explain anything. Your girlfriend's a grown woman who can get herself home. I'm not aware of an airport in the world that doesn't have a taxi lane, and I've traveled through quite a few 3 - 4 gate airports.

 

If the notion of value in your relationship is contingent on a partner ducking a social commitment to needlessly make a however hour long round trip to and from the airport, I'd bow out sooner than later.

 

I've always picked up friends and girlfriends alike if they happen to be flying in at a time I can swing it, assuming they didn't decide flying into O'Hare or LAX at 5:00pm on a Friday would be the perfect time. I've appreciated when they've been able to do so for me. But it's a courtesy and a luxury. Your default assumption and expectation should be getting yourself home.

 

Agree. I'd never expect a boyfriend to give up on already planned social commitments (it doesn't matter if work or his buddies) to go pick me up at the airport. Assuming that he'll meet her afterwards or the day after and do something together and assuming she's not disabled, I don't see what the fuss this is about. It's nice to be picked up, but makes no sense to be ad when someone can't pick us up.

 

Also, every airport (and believe me, I've lived in a very isolated place with an airport that flies one or two planes a day maximum) has transport options, like taxi or even bus. It's not like she's stranded and has to spend the night at the airport for lack of transportation.

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Agree. I'd never expect a boyfriend to give up on already planned social commitments (it doesn't matter if work or his buddies) to go pick me up at the airport. Assuming that he'll meet her afterwards or the day after and do something together and assuming she's not disabled, I don't see what the fuss this is about. It's nice to be picked up, but makes no sense to be ad when someone can't pick us up.

 

Also, every airport (and believe me, I've lived in a very isolated place with an airport that flies one or two planes a day maximum) has transport options, like taxi or even bus. It's not like she's stranded and has to spend the night at the airport for lack of transportation.

 

I agree with this and it's for vacation! If you haven't seen her in a week maybe you can meet up briefly after your dinner when she is home.

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Getting someone to pick us up at the airport is an indulgence, or a luxury. The 1970s have come and gone. Unless one is arriving at such a place as presents security risks (such in countries wherein one might be asked to bribe customs, airport police etc just to get out)... expect to transport yourself. Period. Always unless offered otherwise.

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Is your girlfriend very young? To me, it seems that the younger the person, the more attention they need to make them feel secure within the relationship. A lot more than those of us a bit longer in the tooth anyway.

 

Yes, often that is true. Also, there are exceptions to the stark nature of my answer. For example, in an LDR when one half of a relationship is traveling expressly to visit the other, AND its a special trip not a regular thing, AND if the distance to travel upon landing is long, AND if it is difficult to engage an airport bus etc., then perhaps the local person needs to make airport pick up a higher priority. Even then, the timing may be difficult and the out-of-towner may need to cool their heels at the airport to accommodate the local's schedule.

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No you are not being reasonable.

But I'm willing to bet that if you attempted to see if you could re-schedule the dinner - just try - and came back to her and said, "i'm sorry honey.. i did my best to see if we could re-schedule the dinner.. unfortunately some of the other guys had to go thru hoops to make arrangements to come and so we couldn't reschedule it" - I think she'll be okay with it.

 

My guess is - if she sees that you considered her first, did your best to accomodate her, but couldn't because you're being a good friend and not overly inconveniencing your friends (after all.. it WAS scheduled first, you DID tell her ahead of time, and it's harder to reschedule 4 people than 1 person) - i think that's all she can ask for and wants to see. Of course she'd love to get a ride from you but some things are "out of your control."

 

But what IS in your control - was the ability to initially be open to, think of, and attempt to accomodate her first if at all possible - even if it fails.

 

Give that a try and see if that changes her tune. (aka.. females and gf's dont' take kindly to the straight out "no" without trying to accomodate them.... catch my drift?)

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Sounds like the kind of witch testing I did with guys during my adolescence. I created non-essential crises to test whether the guy will resolve it. Problem is, if he 'passed' the test by catering to me, he really failed himself by setting a precedent for how easily I could manipulate him, and I'd lose respect for him. If he stood his ground, and especially if he stood up to me and told me to get over it, then I'd gain respect for him despite my whining.

 

The key word above is 'adolescence'. Most people believe that this growth stage ends at age 18, but it actually stays with us through our early 20's. Some people never really grow out of it because their sense of entitlement has 'worked' so well to control the passive people around them. But the only real 'success' is keeping everyone miserable, including the manipulator.

 

I'd skip this, and tell GF that if she didn't 'hear' me when I told her I'd be unavailable, that's on her--and so is her own return from the airport.

 

Head high, and respect yourself, or nobody else will, either.

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I would not expect my bf to pick me up either.

 

But it certainly would be a thoughtful gesture if he did!

 

It's little things like this that just mean so much, to me anyway.

 

And I will do my part in showing my appreciation too!

 

And reciprocate when the ocassion arises.

 

That's what relationships are about imo, or one thing. Give and take even when an inconvenience.

 

They serve to increase emotional intimacy, which is perhaps something you don't want or fear on some level?

 

Not accusing just asking.

 

But oh well, you'd prefer to attend your "dinner" which is certainly your prerogative.

 

That said, she has the right to her feelings too - disappointment, hurt, upset, whatever she's feeling -- without being deemed a spoiled, self-entitled princess.

 

And yes as an adult I am sure she knows how to get home without your help, which isn't really the point, but again you made your choice so she either accepts it or realizes this isn't the right relationship for her.

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I suspect your Love Language is Acts of Kindness, Katrina. :)

 

Yeah my first LL is "acts of service" which acts of kindness definitely false under!

 

Not that I need to be "serviced" lol, but to me a man shows love through actions, including little things like picking me up at airport, unless something dire is preventing him from doing so.

 

Choosing to have dinner with others instead, would disappoint me. :(

 

My second love language is quality time!

 

Third, physical touch.

 

Fourth, words of affirmation.

 

Fifth, gifts. :)

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Yeah my first LL is "acts of service" which acts of kindness definitely false under!

 

Not that I need to be "serviced" lol, but to me a man shows love through actions, including little things like picking me up at airport, unless something dire is preventing him from doing so.

 

Choosing to have dinner instead, would disappoint me.

 

My second love language is quality time!

Mine is also Acts of Service/Kindness but I'd not want him to give up a pre-planned function. If I knew in advance (which the Op's girlfriend did) that he had other plans then I would make sure I had the moola on me to pay for an airport cab. Saves feeling bad about the whole thing. ;)
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Fair enough, owing I can be a bit high maintenance about certain things! Lol

 

It's never been an issue, when disappointed or hurt, I will get over it pretty quickly!

 

Not one to start a huge drama fest over it.

 

Howver, if it happens a lot, I will rethink the relationship.

 

Just saying, OP's gf has the right to feel hurt and disappointed without being deemed a spoiled princess, that's all. ;)

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Agree with pick your battles.

 

However, how do we know she is, in fact, picking a battle?

 

All OP said was she is "upset". Which is her right.

 

But we don't even know what that means exactly.

 

Disappointed? Hurt? Angry? Causing drama?

 

Hopefully she will let it go and not make a huge issue about it.

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What I'm thinking is OP feels guilty, on some level he may feel he should have picked her up but simply did not want to. And feels guilty about that.

 

Regardless of the dinner.

 

I don't know, he's been quiet hasn't said much since first post.

 

So I could be wrong, just what I'm sensing from this whole thing, and that this runs a bit deeper than simply not picking her up at airport.

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I think he's looking for validation that he's not a bad guy. *shrugs* He didn't do anything wrong but she's clearly making him feel bad for not jumping through her hoop. I wonder if she makes him feel bad often. Does she regularly want him to give up things he's planned to accommodate her spur of the moment decisions?

 

Op: What is your relationship mostly like? Was this a one off or does she often test you like this and expect you to drop things planned for her or was this a one off and you're feeling guilty for not doing what she asked?

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But again TWT, where are you getting "she" is clearly making him feel bad for not jumping through her hoop?

 

All he said was she is upset, which could mean anything from voicing a slight disappoint, to causing a huge argument and guilt tripping.

 

Could it not be possible that his guilt and bad feelings come from within himself?

 

For not picking her up and feeling he should have, as her bf?

 

This would not be uncommon, if that's the case.

 

Bottom line, we need more info!

 

OP can you return and clarify how "upset" she was/is, did she argue with you about it, say things that are causung you to feel guilty?

 

Or, rather, are these bad feelings you have your own internal thought process?

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But again TWT, where are you getting "she" is clearly making him feel bad for not jumping through her hoop?
Well, he's asking if he's being unreasonable. If she didn't make him feel bad, why would he have to ask that question? Why would he have to start a thread about it even?

 

All he said was she is upset,
He also asked if he was being unreasonable.

Could it not be possible that his guilt and bad feelings come from within himself?
Most people don't ask if they are being unreasonable if someone hasn't made them feel that they are being unreasonable or making them feel bad about their choice... but yes, anything is possible.

 

Bottom line, we need more info!

 

OP can you return and clarify how "upset" she was/is, did she argue with you about it, say things that are causung you to feel guilty?

 

Or, rather, are these bad feelings you have your own internal thought process?

Well, we could use more info but not as far as the actual question of "am I being unreasonable." I suppose in all depends on the person what the answer to that would be.

 

I guess if Op is confident in his decision, then no, he wasn't being unreasonable since he had previous plans and let his g/f know before she left that he wouldn't be picking her up. Op: You would be "unreasonable" if you ditched picking her up to go to a dinner planned after she left on her trip and you had told her you would pick her up. (in my opinion of course)

 

Sorry Kat... I guess I'm just in a debating mood. *winkz*

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Well I don't agree TWT, in fact he could have asked if he was being unreasonable even if she had not been upset about it.

 

It's his own guilt that could be causing him to ask, not knowing if, as her bf, picking her up is something he should do. Or want to do.

 

It's hard to say without more info, but to automatically assume she is the cause of all his inner turmoil, is a bit unfair without more info, imo.

 

It's also possible he is perceiving her to be more upset than she actually is due to his own guilt about it.

 

Also pretty common.

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