Trying Again After a Peaceful Split

Hey everyone, just looking for some thoughts on my situation, mostly on the biggest question in these situations, how long is long enough to wait to reach back out.

Now in my situation, I can say it was a very peaceful split after dating for almost a year and we still think very highly of each other. To be clear though, it was absolutely her idea to split and I very much got dumped, so that makes it a little trickier. I still believe though from the bottom of my heart that we were great for each other, it ended far too quickly and we could've worked things out (short summary: I did a poor job showing my affection to her, didnt do a great job emotionally opening up and things had gotten stagnant/coasting). Trouble is, she doesnt even think I did anything wrong, just that it felt like something was missing between us and we werent quite right for each other. I only came to the conclusions of what I did wrong after reflecting on what she said and concluding that what she probably was missing and needed was to feel my affection for her. It really hit me I hadn't shown my feelings for her enough when she said she thought I felt the same way, but in reality she couldnt have been further off. When I told her how I felt and that I'd clearly done a terrible job showing my affection, but wanted to do better, she just said I shouldnt blame myself and that I was great to her. It just seems so clear to me that her feeling the way she did was my fault, but her mind was clearly made up that it was nobody's fault, we just weren't quite right for each other and that it was time to end things.

So that's where we are. Most of this came out a few days after she dumped me and we met back up to talk once I had some time to collect my thoughts and feelings (I was completely shocked when she first told me and just didnt know what to say). It was a really beneficial talk (featured plenty of waterworks from both sides) and its very clear that we left with a ton of respect for one another. I havent reached out to her since then, not because I want to play mind games, it just feels right to give her some time and space and if for no other reason, I just told her we could work things out and got turned down. So I'm in a good place, putting myself back out there since I know the odds are probably slim of getting back together. Like I said though, at some point I do want to reach back out because I know we made each other really happy and I think we can fix our relationship and that its something worth fighting for.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, but mostly questioning how long I should wait before reaching out. Initially, I thought 2 months, but now I'm thinking more like 1 is enough if it feels right. Also, any thoughts on the weird spot I'm in where I actually want to convince her that I was the problem and am ready to do better would be helpful. Thanks in advance!

You already suggested to her that you could work things out and she declined. It takes two to tango and it sounds like she is not on board when it comes to trying again. Yet you insist on "convincing" her. Sadly it does not work this way. The best way to go about it would be to try to move on assuming that she is never coming back and if she contacts you on her own then maybe you could try again. But you do need to get off stand by mode and try your best to genuinely move on. Given your state of mind one month sounds too soon and chances are that you are going to come across as too needy. As much as you want to take all the blame, the truth is that you both contributed to the demise of the relationship. You may be willing to work on your part but she is clearly not willing to work on her part. The one who left needs to be willing to come back on their own, not to be "convinced". It sounds like there was lack of chemistry on her part and that you can't fix. You need to listen to what she told you. Sadly, these were the words of someone who was just not that into you. It sounds like she was not as emotionally invested as you and that may have actually been the reason why you were emotionally reserved yourself - your unconscious self probably sensed that and was trying to protect you. It doesn't sound like it was something tangible that can be fixed. If she comes back on her own, there may be a chance but you going after her in the case you described is likely to come off as weak and needy, and will probably not change her mind. Having to convince someone to be with you is an indication of incompatibility. The right person will not need to be convinced. She is not the right person. You taking all the blame will not change what was missing on her part. Lack of chemistry cannot be "fixed" unilaterally.

Sorry to hear this. How long ago did you break up? Are you completely no contact? Has she reached out? It may be best to let her reach out. Is there someone else she is dating or interested in?

I did a poor job showing my affection to her, didnt do a great job emotionally opening up and things had gotten stagnant/coasting). Trouble is, she doesnt even think I did anything wrong, just that it felt like something was missing between us and we werent quite right for each other.

 

I havent reached out to her since then, not because I want to play mind games, it just feels right to give her some time and space and if for no other reason, I just told her we could work things out and got turned down.

 

how long I should wait before reaching out. Initially, I thought 2 months, but now I'm thinking more like 1 is enough if it feels right.

You're really focused on blaming yourself for why the relationship ended, because you want to believe that if you change the specific behavior you think was the "problem" that she will come back. My guess is, you don't have the full picture. You already offered to try again and she declined, most likely because she is no longer attracted to you like she one was. Be happy you guys split amicably and move on with the good memories intact. If you start scheming, bargaining, and essentially hounding her to change her mind, you will likely set off a chain of dramatic events that will ruin the respect you two have for one another.

I appreciate the advice. I certainly have no intent to manipulate or beg, though I see how what I wrote would come across that way. Convince is certainly the wrong way to look at it, I more wish she could see things from my perspective. My intent on reaching back out wouldn't be to beg, just to catch up and see if theres still any spark there I guess. Though i can see how doing so would come across as desperate. Its been a week since we split and havent talked.

Ok it's too fresh and you are attempting to ease/avoid pain by trying to undo the breakup. But...you will not only create more pain and rejection by chasing, pestering, convincing, persuading, begging her and of course getting rejected, blocked or perhaps a restraining order slapped on you.

You need to chill and let her reflect and at least miss you a bit.

I more wish she could see things from my perspective.

 

My intent on reaching back out wouldn't be to beg, just to catch up and see if theres still any spark there I guess.

 

Its been a week since we split .

My intent on reaching back out wouldn't be to beg, just to catch up and see if theres still any spark there I guess.

If there was a spark, she'd have agreed to work things out. This doesn't mean that there was never a spark, but reaching out is a surefire way to smother any chance that she will ever look back on you fondly and remember that spark on her own. Even a 'Hello' will be interpreted as pressure. Don't go there.

I don't believe that healing ourselves after a breakup comes from trying to smash all reconciliation fantasies. A gentler approach is to trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, your paths will cross in the future after you've both reached higher ground--but you'll both need to grow to reach that place on your own.

That means shifting your hope to the back burner and moving your focus onto building yourself UP and expanding your own life solo. Form a private goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience. Explore new interests, friendships, career goals, studies, family bonds, health and all aspects of your life. Invest in the people you've neglected and show up 'for them' to help them with projects or household tasks or meals to create good memories for them while you don't feel capable of enjoying much yourself. This will ground you and help you to stabilize. You can relax into listening instead of entertaining, and this will inspire gratitude for the loving bonds you've taken for granted but can appreciate in a new light through being tenderized by grief.

Honor your grief with occasional bouts of boo-hoos with a tissue box, but then move your focus onto a small goal for each day. It's your percentage play, because if ex ever reaches out or crosses your path, you'll be in a far better head space to deal with that, and if not, you'll have already made good ground with your own healing. But reconciliation needs to be HER idea, or you'll never be able to trust that she won't withdraw her investment again because she felt pressured.

Head high, we all need to learn how to survive breakups. The best way to do that is to avoid compounding grief with a focus on manipulating the ex. Adopt pride, instead, and learn how this will broaden your perspective from a higher ground. THAT is the only place from which reconciliation is possible--and without 'selling' to get it.

I appreciate the advice. I certainly have no intent to manipulate or beg, though I see how what I wrote would come across that way. Convince is certainly the wrong way to look at it, I more wish she could see things from my perspective. My intent on reaching back out wouldn't be to beg, just to catch up and see if theres still any spark there I guess. Though i can see how doing so would come across as desperate. Its been a week since we split and havent talked.

It's too soon, OP. Neither of you has had a chance to process the break-up, but keep in mind she wanted to end it. It's very unlikely that she'd have had a change of heart within days.

Right now, she definitely doesn't feel the spark. It might never come back for her, but if it does, it won't be without having had time to miss you and reevaluate her decision.