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2nd date tonight.


Lambert

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I don't want to go but, I know in hindsight I will kick myself later...

 

we met on line and texted a couple days and made a date. I had a really good time. He said he did, too. asked me out again, gave me a little peck that barely touched my side lip. it was actually very cute

 

we've been texting and bantering about our date tonight since. all good... good... good... right?

 

Well! I made a joke about karate chopping him... and he said-

 

"Ok good luck to you... I don't date anyone that jokes about abuse. I will never see you again. bye"

 

I couldn't believe it. It was a joke!

 

I must of made sense when I said he was being harsh and he misunderstood... because the date is back on...

 

But geesh.... maybe this is a major red flag?

 

thoughts?

 

ps.... I've been single for a year after a break up I took very hard. so I am very unsure of myself and I don't know what to think.

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what was the context? what was said before?
hard to explain... we were talking about cry babies and victims. and i thought he was saying I was a baby or victim. And I was like, if you're ginna be mike this I will karate chop you in the throat

 

I thought that was such an outrageous thing to say... I didn't think he'd latch on to it!

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Kinda hard to really telll but that’s kinda strange . Idk , maybe he saw physical abuse occur with his parents ?

 

I say continue to go out but if you feel you have to walk on egg shells , NEXT.....

thanks for the advice. that's what I thought... go... see if it's odd and then I'll know.
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So he was referring to you as a baby and you threatened to karate chop him in the throat?

 

Not sure what he said to you exactly, but if he was insulting you, clearly this was wrong.

 

The whole “I’m going to karate chop you in the throat” is a bit much too, even if you were joking.

 

If a guy I met online (or in general) said this to me, I’d be cancelling a date too, tbh.

 

Sounds super aggressive. And how is someone who barely knows you supposed to interpret this otherwise, you know?

 

If I were to say that to a guy, I can’t see them taking it well, either.

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So he was referring to you as a baby and you threatened to karate chop him in the throat?

 

Not sure what he said to you exactly, but if he was insulting you, clearly this was wrong.

 

The whole “I’m going to karate chop you in the throat” is a bit much too, even if you were joking.

 

If a guy I met online (or in general) said this to me, I’d be cancelling a date too, tbh.

 

Sounds super aggressive. And how is someone who barely knows you supposed to interpret this otherwise, you know?

 

I do see what you're saying and maybe that looked like a red flag to him about me.

 

I'm the red flag!

 

it was a fast, jokey, text convo... I didn't think and I didn't think he was going be like "hey good luck. I'm out"

 

I didn't think he was actually insulting me. I don't know what I was thinking!

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I usually say jokes like that to guys and if we get to know each other well, even playful insults. But of course out of context or with someone that doesn't know me well, it can backfire and they might not understand it's a light hearted joke. I think that's what happened. It was a joke but he thought it was serious or maybe he was triggered because abuse is an important issue to him.

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I usually say jokes like that to guys and if we get to know each other well, even playful insults. But of course out of context or with someone that doesn't know me well, it can backfire and they might not understand it's a light hearted joke. I think that's what happened. It was a joke but he thought it was serious or maybe he was triggered because abuse is an important issue to him.
yeah... maybe. I think I'm like you said... a little too playful, too fast, too much in this case.

 

oops.... I am leaving in 5 for the date. so hopefully he is there....

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Good luck and yes be careful especially when talking fast or texting fast. I would have cancelled the date if a man I only just met said that to me. Even if he then said “just joking” because I wouldn’t know him well enough to know his sense of humor.
thanks batya33

 

we're out and having fun. we talked it out. (he's in the restroom.)

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I too would have likely thought it a red flag if a girl said that to me, even in banter. I am not sure if I would have mad a comment about it as he did, though.

 

For me it doesn't come from a prior abuse or a case where someone has been violent with me. From a child it has been pushed into us that it is not okay to be violent to women. Over and over and over. Then you start to see women taking advantage of that and hitting me knowing full well that a man wont hit them back. I am not saying you would do this, but having a violent response from banter would have twigged my defensiveness about the subject.

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I too would have likely thought it a red flag if a girl said that to me, even in banter. I am not sure if I would have mad a comment about it as he did, though.

 

For me it doesn't come from a prior abuse or a case where someone has been violent with me. From a child it has been pushed into us that it is not okay to be violent to women. Over and over and over. Then you start to see women taking advantage of that and hitting me knowing full well that a man wont hit them back. I am not saying you would do this, but having a violent response from banter would have twigged my defensiveness about the subject.

thanks for your response. I'll be honest... I don't think I've ever thought about from a double standard perspective. And I appreciate your response.

 

Definitely a lesson in here for me. We did agree to get together again this weekend. And I appreciate that we talked through it... but the other side of that is, we both felt a red flag... so we'll see.

 

We kinda laughed at ourselves, because we are older (he's in his 30s and I'm in my 40s)..... We have had some ltr relationships in the past. we're naturally trying to make better decisions that prevent previous mistakes from being made again.

 

He dated a violent persin and said - he can't do that again. But recognizes if you're teasing each other and say "I'm gonna smack you", it is a joke.

 

it was just too soon considering me just met. and I'm gonna be more careful just texting so much... it does lead to misunderstandings we were texting a ton and being very jokey. And I wasn't really thinking.... it startled me how fast he was like. BYE!

 

I'm glad I'm wrote this bc I see now, I was the toxic person... honestly, I was thinking he was unreasonable. I still think it was, but I understand, not knowing me, how he felt. My friends probably would have taken my side and I woyld have just moved on.

 

But I do think its important to recognize, sometimes we are toxic to others and to try to improve ourselves.

.

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It's not like "I'm gonna smack you" said in a joking way to a friend - you referenced a karate chop in his throat -that's very vivid and far more violent than the colloquial "oh stop or I'm gonna...." (think of Elaine on Seinfeld -I think she used to swat at Jerry or threaten to). My husband and I have an inside joke where if we banter/tease I pretend to beat on his chest like a cavewoman (but without pressure) and we laugh - there's tons of room for physical stuff/banter like that -once you know each other/each other's senses of humor.

 

I was on a second date once where the guy -who owned a kickboxing place -described with glee how he'd physically threatened a man on the bus that day who had annoyed him/been obnoxious -and he may have even raised a fist etc. Gave me the chills especially how proud he was to tell me.

 

I'm glad you got past it and have fun this weekend!

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It's not like "I'm gonna smack you" said in a joking way to a friend - you referenced a karate chop in his throat -that's very vivid and far more violent than the colloquial "oh stop or I'm gonna...." (think of Elaine on Seinfeld -I think she used to swat at Jerry or threaten to). My husband and I have an inside joke where if we banter/tease I pretend to beat on his chest like a cavewoman (but without pressure) and we laugh - there's tons of room for physical stuff/banter like that -once you know each other/each other's senses of humor.

 

I was on a second date once where the guy -who owned a kickboxing place -described with glee how he'd physically threatened a man on the bus that day who had annoyed him/been obnoxious -and he may have even raised a fist etc. Gave me the chills especially how proud he was to tell me.

 

I'm glad you got past it and have fun this weekend!

 

hi Batya... not sure we were saying they were re alike. he was explaining he his thoughts that he can take a joke, when he knows it's a joke.

 

I'm not sure I agree with you about it being so much worse and it doesnt compares to a person recounting an actual argument or threat they made in anger for real.

 

obviously, I should be more considerate with new people. they don't know me and my nature. so I shouldn't blame them for taking it at face value.

 

thanks for the well wishes. I hope we continue to have fun and aside from the knee jerk reaction, I do like when people can sit down and talk it out.

That is definitely a good sign.

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Also think it was a wild overreaction on his part.

 

You did say though that your second date went well and that he told you he was with a violent partner before, so he might have some serious triggers. Still, not a good excuse to react like he did. I don't know, life happens, it's all about how you deal with it. If he is carrying severe wounds and damage and liable to have these kinds of over the top volatile reactions, do you really want to be with someone where you are walking on eggshells, censoring your sense of humor? He might not be really ready to date yet.

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Also think it was a wild overreaction on his part.

 

You did say though that your second date went well and that he told you he was with a violent partner before, so he might have some serious triggers. Still, not a good excuse to react like he did. I don't know, life happens, it's all about how you deal with it. If he is carrying severe wounds and damage and liable to have these kinds of over the top volatile reactions, do you really want to be with someone where you are walking on eggshells, censoring your sense of humor? He might not be really ready to date yet.

thanks, dancing fool. I was thinking the same thing...

 

I guess that's the point of dating to get know someone and see. I don't feel like i have to be on egg shells. if I do, that will be a deal breaker for me. I have had friends and boyfriends in the past, that could not control their temper and I those relationships did not last.

 

I promised myself, if he ever says bye like that again, I will not protest and say bye back.

 

One thing to keep in mind (and not as an excuse) this all happened over the course of about 5 minutes via text. And we just met... ok that's two things. :)

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ps dancing fool.....

 

I am not concerned that he is not ready to date... he is not fresh out of a relationship. he has been single and dating for 8 months. I have been single and dating for a year.

 

While we were discussing our misunderstanding we were talking about our experiences and why said what we said. it was not an inventory of our past relationships or any thing like that.

 

at my age, everyone has some kind of past. many do not take time to work on themselves and heal. however, in the other conversations that we have had, he seems to be like me, looking to move forward in life and not hung up on the past. just trying not to repeat it. if that makes sense.

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ps dancing fool.....

 

I am not concerned that he is not ready to date... he is not fresh out of a relationship. he has been single and dating for 8 months. I have been single and dating for a year.

 

While we were discussing our misunderstanding we were talking about our experiences and why said what we said. it was not an inventory of our past relationships or any thing like that.

 

at my age, everyone has some kind of past. many do not take time to work on themselves and heal. however, in the other conversations that we have had, he seems to be like me, looking to move forward in life and not hung up on the past. just trying not to repeat it. if that makes sense.

 

Of course everyone has a past. That's why I said, it's not that we have a past, but how we deal with that past.

 

In terms of time, a person can be single and dating for the past 5 years and still not have a proper handle on their baggage and so, not really be ready to date. Time means nothing, it's all about their actual emotional health and that can take time and dates to get to know.

 

On the plus side, I think it's excellent that you were both able to talk about it and clear the air a bit. I guess my advice to you is proceed with caution and really stay true to your promise to self that if he flips out again, you will walk away. Another thing to keep an eye on is not quite so blatant - be sure that you can be your authentic self around him and that you don't start to slowly censor yourself, your sense of humor, your playfulness, etc. That kind of stuff can creep up on you without you really noticing because there is no blatant confrontation.

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Honestly if a guy made a joke like that to me I wouldn’t respond and I’d be done with them. I don’t think his overreaction is as extreme as the very strange thing you said. Maybe it’s different coming from a male, but what you said would be a red flag to me.

 

And, also, he may have been joking too, right? I don’t think he was, but over text, it’s hard to tell. Why can you make a serious joke but he can’t? Ya know?

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Of course everyone has a past. That's why I said, it's not that we have a past, but how we deal with that past.

 

In terms of time, a person can be single and dating for the past 5 years and still not have a proper handle on their baggage and so, not really be ready to date. Time means nothing, it's all about their actual emotional health and that can take time and dates to get to know.

 

On the plus side, I think it's excellent that you were both able to talk about it and clear the air a bit. I guess my advice to you is proceed with caution and really stay true to your promise to self that if he flips out again, you will walk away. Another thing to keep an eye on is not quite so blatant - be sure that you can be your authentic self around him and that you don't start to slowly censor yourself, your sense of humor, your playfulness, etc. That kind of stuff can creep up on you without you really noticing because there is no blatant confrontation.

 

thank you for this. I am also concerned about these things. I just don't have enough info yet.

 

And I agree about time to heal... it can mean nothing... but I also think when a person is say 2 weeks out of a relationship, that does mean something. there's a very low probability they are ok.

 

I think its positive that he's been dating and spent some time doing the single thing. Everyone is healing from something... it's how you deal with it. I'm not sure how one gauges this, there is always risk when putting oneself out there. past behavior is a good indicator, but people do things out of the blue, too.

 

I sometimes get annoyed with a lot of the advice here that always goes straight to- they aren't ready to date.... it's too one size fits all for me.

 

I didn't think from this instance, it meant he wasn't ready to date. I was more concerned that it meant he is a jerk.

 

And that's probably still true. lol. but I know I make mistakes and can be an idiot. I look for forgiveness and I am forgiving as well. Perfection is not required.

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