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Thread: 2nd date tonight.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Also think it was a wild overreaction on his part.

    You did say though that your second date went well and that he told you he was with a violent partner before, so he might have some serious triggers. Still, not a good excuse to react like he did. I don't know, life happens, it's all about how you deal with it. If he is carrying severe wounds and damage and liable to have these kinds of over the top volatile reactions, do you really want to be with someone where you are walking on eggshells, censoring your sense of humor? He might not be really ready to date yet.
    thanks, dancing fool. I was thinking the same thing...

    I guess that's the point of dating to get know someone and see. I don't feel like i have to be on egg shells. if I do, that will be a deal breaker for me. I have had friends and boyfriends in the past, that could not control their temper and I those relationships did not last.

    I promised myself, if he ever says bye like that again, I will not protest and say bye back.

    One thing to keep in mind (and not as an excuse) this all happened over the course of about 5 minutes via text. And we just met... ok that's two things. :)

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    ps dancing fool.....

    I am not concerned that he is not ready to date... he is not fresh out of a relationship. he has been single and dating for 8 months. I have been single and dating for a year.

    While we were discussing our misunderstanding we were talking about our experiences and why said what we said. it was not an inventory of our past relationships or any thing like that.

    at my age, everyone has some kind of past. many do not take time to work on themselves and heal. however, in the other conversations that we have had, he seems to be like me, looking to move forward in life and not hung up on the past. just trying not to repeat it. if that makes sense.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    ps dancing fool.....

    I am not concerned that he is not ready to date... he is not fresh out of a relationship. he has been single and dating for 8 months. I have been single and dating for a year.

    While we were discussing our misunderstanding we were talking about our experiences and why said what we said. it was not an inventory of our past relationships or any thing like that.

    at my age, everyone has some kind of past. many do not take time to work on themselves and heal. however, in the other conversations that we have had, he seems to be like me, looking to move forward in life and not hung up on the past. just trying not to repeat it. if that makes sense.
    Of course everyone has a past. That's why I said, it's not that we have a past, but how we deal with that past.

    In terms of time, a person can be single and dating for the past 5 years and still not have a proper handle on their baggage and so, not really be ready to date. Time means nothing, it's all about their actual emotional health and that can take time and dates to get to know.

    On the plus side, I think it's excellent that you were both able to talk about it and clear the air a bit. I guess my advice to you is proceed with caution and really stay true to your promise to self that if he flips out again, you will walk away. Another thing to keep an eye on is not quite so blatant - be sure that you can be your authentic self around him and that you don't start to slowly censor yourself, your sense of humor, your playfulness, etc. That kind of stuff can creep up on you without you really noticing because there is no blatant confrontation.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    2nd date tonight.

    Honestly if a guy made a joke like that to me I wouldnít respond and Iíd be done with them. I donít think his overreaction is as extreme as the very strange thing you said. Maybe itís different coming from a male, but what you said would be a red flag to me.

    And, also, he may have been joking too, right? I donít think he was, but over text, itís hard to tell. Why can you make a serious joke but he canít? Ya know?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Of course everyone has a past. That's why I said, it's not that we have a past, but how we deal with that past.

    In terms of time, a person can be single and dating for the past 5 years and still not have a proper handle on their baggage and so, not really be ready to date. Time means nothing, it's all about their actual emotional health and that can take time and dates to get to know.

    On the plus side, I think it's excellent that you were both able to talk about it and clear the air a bit. I guess my advice to you is proceed with caution and really stay true to your promise to self that if he flips out again, you will walk away. Another thing to keep an eye on is not quite so blatant - be sure that you can be your authentic self around him and that you don't start to slowly censor yourself, your sense of humor, your playfulness, etc. That kind of stuff can creep up on you without you really noticing because there is no blatant confrontation.
    thank you for this. I am also concerned about these things. I just don't have enough info yet.

    And I agree about time to heal... it can mean nothing... but I also think when a person is say 2 weeks out of a relationship, that does mean something. there's a very low probability they are ok.

    I think its positive that he's been dating and spent some time doing the single thing. Everyone is healing from something... it's how you deal with it. I'm not sure how one gauges this, there is always risk when putting oneself out there. past behavior is a good indicator, but people do things out of the blue, too.

    I sometimes get annoyed with a lot of the advice here that always goes straight to- they aren't ready to date.... it's too one size fits all for me.

    I didn't think from this instance, it meant he wasn't ready to date. I was more concerned that it meant he is a jerk.

    And that's probably still true. lol. but I know I make mistakes and can be an idiot. I look for forgiveness and I am forgiving as well. Perfection is not required.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Honestly if a guy made a joke like that to me I wouldnít respond and Iíd be done with them. I donít think his overreaction is as extreme as the very strange thing you said. Maybe itís different coming from a male, but what you said would be a red flag to me.

    And, also, he may have been joking too, right? I donít think he was, but over text, itís hard to tell. Why can you make a serious joke but he canít? Ya know?
    thanks mustlovedogs (and I do love dogs!)

    I am almost thankful so many seem to think my comment was the red flag.... because I didn't think it was. And that's an opportunity for me to think next and avoid this kinda thing.

    And because I am attracted to this guy... All the other interactions have been positive. So I agree... what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.

    if I can make a faux pas and he can let it go... It should be the same on my end.... we did start laughing it off and the night moved on. we've been talking still today and making plans....

  8. #27
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    thanks mustlovedogs (and I do love dogs!)

    I am almost thankful so many seem to think my comment was the red flag.... because I didn't think it was. And that's an opportunity for me to think next and avoid this kinda thing.

    And because I am attracted to this guy... All the other interactions have been positive. So I agree... what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.

    if I can make a faux pas and he can let it go... It should be the same on my end.... we did start laughing it off and the night moved on. we've been talking still today and making plans....
    Yes I agree! Great mentality.

    Just imagine if you were texting a guy and he texted he was going to karate chop you in the throat. Would you find it funny or threatening?

    Live and learn but looks like youíre doing that well!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    thanks mustlovedogs (and I do love dogs!)

    I am almost thankful so many seem to think my comment was the red flag.... because I didn't think it was. And that's an opportunity for me to think next and avoid this kinda thing.

    And because I am attracted to this guy... All the other interactions have been positive. So I agree... what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.

    if I can make a faux pas and he can let it go... It should be the same on my end.... we did start laughing it off and the night moved on. we've been talking still today and making plans....
    Glad to hear it.

    In general, be cautious when adopting colloquial speech, especially phrases used often in memes on fb or insta. In print, they are meant to shock and have pictures etc to make them a bit distant which softens the blow. When you repeat it in your own voice it has a very different tone.

    for the record, i dislike the various Punch in the Throat type memes. I find them whiny and negative and not at all witty. Its as if we have lost perspective ad think this day to day stuff actually matters, or its as if we have forgotten to be grateful.

    Example - There often are memes about mom life, the lack of a private space even in the bathroom; the desire for wine when others have PTA coffees, etc. I don't find those funny at all! I think how glad to have a child comfortable enough to come find you. Or, uh, isn't reliance on wine a sign of alcoholism?

    Taking an opportunity to fine tune your ear to language may help in these little texting matters. (English major here. Its a thing for us.)

  10. #29
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Go on the date and as you are talking simply ask him. "Hey when I joked about the karate chop thing you got really upset" "Is there something you want to share as I don't want to upset you even joking around"

    The best thing is to get it our in the open so YOU can decide if this thing goes any farther. You cannot know until you ask and you are certainly within you right to ask, just don't judge him when he answers.

    Lost

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. If you are still interested and still talking this would be a good dialogue, who knows? Maybe he was in the military and has PTSD or whatever.
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Go on the date and as you are talking simply ask him. "Hey when I joked about the karate chop thing you got really upset" "Is there something you want to share as I don't want to upset you even joking around"

    The best thing is to get it our in the open so YOU can decide if this thing goes any farther. You cannot know until you ask and you are certainly within you right to ask, just don't judge him when he answers.

    Lost

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