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Thread: 2nd date tonight.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I usually say jokes like that to guys and if we get to know each other well, even playful insults. But of course out of context or with someone that doesn't know me well, it can backfire and they might not understand it's a light hearted joke. I think that's what happened. It was a joke but he thought it was serious or maybe he was triggered because abuse is an important issue to him.
    yeah... maybe. I think I'm like you said... a little too playful, too fast, too much in this case.

    oops.... I am leaving in 5 for the date. so hopefully he is there....

  2. #12
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    Good luck and yes be careful especially when talking fast or texting fast. I would have cancelled the date if a man I only just met said that to me. Even if he then said “just joking” because I wouldn’t know him well enough to know his sense of humor.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Good luck and yes be careful especially when talking fast or texting fast. I would have cancelled the date if a man I only just met said that to me. Even if he then said “just joking” because I wouldn’t know him well enough to know his sense of humor.
    thanks batya33

    we're out and having fun. we talked it out. (he's in the restroom.)

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    I too would have likely thought it a red flag if a girl said that to me, even in banter. I am not sure if I would have mad a comment about it as he did, though.

    For me it doesn't come from a prior abuse or a case where someone has been violent with me. From a child it has been pushed into us that it is not okay to be violent to women. Over and over and over. Then you start to see women taking advantage of that and hitting me knowing full well that a man wont hit them back. I am not saying you would do this, but having a violent response from banter would have twigged my defensiveness about the subject.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    I too would have likely thought it a red flag if a girl said that to me, even in banter. I am not sure if I would have mad a comment about it as he did, though.

    For me it doesn't come from a prior abuse or a case where someone has been violent with me. From a child it has been pushed into us that it is not okay to be violent to women. Over and over and over. Then you start to see women taking advantage of that and hitting me knowing full well that a man wont hit them back. I am not saying you would do this, but having a violent response from banter would have twigged my defensiveness about the subject.
    thanks for your response. I'll be honest... I don't think I've ever thought about from a double standard perspective. And I appreciate your response.

    Definitely a lesson in here for me. We did agree to get together again this weekend. And I appreciate that we talked through it... but the other side of that is, we both felt a red flag... so we'll see.

    We kinda laughed at ourselves, because we are older (he's in his 30s and I'm in my 40s)..... We have had some ltr relationships in the past. we're naturally trying to make better decisions that prevent previous mistakes from being made again.

    He dated a violent persin and said - he can't do that again. But recognizes if you're teasing each other and say "I'm gonna smack you", it is a joke.

    it was just too soon considering me just met. and I'm gonna be more careful just texting so much... it does lead to misunderstandings we were texting a ton and being very jokey. And I wasn't really thinking.... it startled me how fast he was like. BYE!

    I'm glad I'm wrote this bc I see now, I was the toxic person... honestly, I was thinking he was unreasonable. I still think it was, but I understand, not knowing me, how he felt. My friends probably would have taken my side and I woyld have just moved on.

    But I do think its important to recognize, sometimes we are toxic to others and to try to improve ourselves.
    .

  7. #16
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    It's not like "I'm gonna smack you" said in a joking way to a friend - you referenced a karate chop in his throat -that's very vivid and far more violent than the colloquial "oh stop or I'm gonna...." (think of Elaine on Seinfeld -I think she used to swat at Jerry or threaten to). My husband and I have an inside joke where if we banter/tease I pretend to beat on his chest like a cavewoman (but without pressure) and we laugh - there's tons of room for physical stuff/banter like that -once you know each other/each other's senses of humor.

    I was on a second date once where the guy -who owned a kickboxing place -described with glee how he'd physically threatened a man on the bus that day who had annoyed him/been obnoxious -and he may have even raised a fist etc. Gave me the chills especially how proud he was to tell me.

    I'm glad you got past it and have fun this weekend!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Wow dodged a bullet. What a bizarre overreaction.
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I made a joke about karate chopping him... and he said-

    "Ok good luck to you... I don't date anyone that jokes about abuse. I will never see you again. bye"

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Wow dodged a bullet. What a bizarre overreaction.
    oh wiseman... just when I was convinced I was partially wrong.... you confirm my original reaction that he overreacted. unless I misunderstand you, too.

    I must be losing my mind :)

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It's not like "I'm gonna smack you" said in a joking way to a friend - you referenced a karate chop in his throat -that's very vivid and far more violent than the colloquial "oh stop or I'm gonna...." (think of Elaine on Seinfeld -I think she used to swat at Jerry or threaten to). My husband and I have an inside joke where if we banter/tease I pretend to beat on his chest like a cavewoman (but without pressure) and we laugh - there's tons of room for physical stuff/banter like that -once you know each other/each other's senses of humor.

    I was on a second date once where the guy -who owned a kickboxing place -described with glee how he'd physically threatened a man on the bus that day who had annoyed him/been obnoxious -and he may have even raised a fist etc. Gave me the chills especially how proud he was to tell me.

    I'm glad you got past it and have fun this weekend!
    hi Batya... not sure we were saying they were re alike. he was explaining he his thoughts that he can take a joke, when he knows it's a joke.

    I'm not sure I agree with you about it being so much worse and it doesnt compares to a person recounting an actual argument or threat they made in anger for real.

    obviously, I should be more considerate with new people. they don't know me and my nature. so I shouldn't blame them for taking it at face value.

    thanks for the well wishes. I hope we continue to have fun and aside from the knee jerk reaction, I do like when people can sit down and talk it out.
    That is definitely a good sign.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Also think it was a wild overreaction on his part.

    You did say though that your second date went well and that he told you he was with a violent partner before, so he might have some serious triggers. Still, not a good excuse to react like he did. I don't know, life happens, it's all about how you deal with it. If he is carrying severe wounds and damage and liable to have these kinds of over the top volatile reactions, do you really want to be with someone where you are walking on eggshells, censoring your sense of humor? He might not be really ready to date yet.

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