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Thread: Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

  1. #1
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    Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

    Hey all!

    Many probably remember me from my last thread and I got some really insightful advice and I’m kind of reeling so I wanted to come here again to gain perspective and not to act irrationally.

    Everything was going alright, he moved to the further away location last week and we have plans this weekend for me to go out and go to a sporting event with him.

    This week that he’s been further away has seemed strained, him not texting me like he used to, etc. but I chalked it up to the new program, don’t dwell on texts, girl it’s been three days, etc.

    My friend just texted me a pic of his profile on a dating site though that I know for a fact was hidden (aka couldn’t see in the rotation anymore and no distance showed up under his profile). It is very much NOT hidden now. Mine is hidden and we were previously matched so I still have access to his profile without swiping and I checked and it is in fact “live”.

    The content of texts were the same, “cute/sweet”, the timing and frequency was just severely depleted, but now I have NO IDEA what to do.

    He’s a good bit away so I’m not sure if I still go this weekend and ask and let him explain, do I text him not to bother me anymore and we’re (whatever this exclusive thing is) is done? I can’t IMAGINE doing this over phone or text or what to even say that’s not overly accusatory right now.

    I’m just at a loss and I feel like I’ve been stepped on. I was so excited to go this weekend too and now I’m just baffled, insecure and unsure

    —-> just got a text that said something to effect of “just got done for the day I’m looking forward to seeing you :*”

    Would someone even text that on their own if they don’t mean it? Why say anything at all?

    Am I crazy? I feel crazy. I thought we were passed all of this and his profiles (that I know of) have literally been disabled since we had the talk about it and he swore that he wasn’t even looking to meet anyone else.

    I’m venting, I’m sorry, and I’m likely going to have to sleep on things because I can’t imagine saying anything that would be calm and collected. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but I feel really hurt and confused. As always, any advice (even what to say verbatim ) would be super helpful.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about this.

    Big picture: At this point it's just hard for me to see the point of continuing to engage with this. Too much anxiety, some essential need not being met, and an inability for you two to really communicate in a way that is honest.

    I mean, what was the last conversation about the apps, etc.? Did he swear that he was off them, forever, focused only on you? If so—well, now you know he's slippery, shady. If it was more vague—well, maybe you're realizing this is all a bit too vague for you, much as you want to be comfortable.

    As for him sending those texts: of course he means it. He is excited to see you. He can be perfectly excited to see you and also unhide a profile on an app—for a zillion reasons. Those reasons aren't really relevant, I don't think. What's relevant is that this is really tugging you around.

    And, no, you're not crazy. Not at all. You just seem like you're trying to find ways to stay comfortable in a situation that is proving itself uncomfortable.

    All in all I think he sees the two of you dating, kind of seriously, whereas you see it as something else, a kind of holding pattern until things get real.

    I think you need to take a minute to figure out what you really want here, and then either talk to him or, well, stop talking to him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Also, just a question: Is your friend in his new location? Like how did she see him on there? Was she just swiping herself?

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry to hear about this.

    Big picture: At this point it's just hard for me to see the point of continuing to engage with this. Too much anxiety, some essential need not being met, and an inability for you two to really communicate in a way that is honest.

    I mean, what was the last conversation about the apps, etc.? Did he swear that he was off them, forever, focused only on you? If so—well, now you know he's slippery, shady. If it was more vague—well, maybe you're realizing this is all a bit too vague for you, much as you want to be comfortable.

    As for him sending those texts: of course he means it. He is excited to see you. He can be perfectly excited to see you and also unhide a profile on an app—for a zillion reasons. Those reasons aren't really relevant, I don't think. What's relevant is that this is really tugging you around.

    And, no, you're not crazy. Not at all. You just seem like you're trying to find ways to stay comfortable in a situation that is proving itself uncomfortable.

    All in all I think he sees the two of you dating, kind of seriously, whereas you see it as something else, a kind of holding pattern until things get real.

    I think you need to take a minute to figure out what you really want here, and then either talk to him or, well, stop talking to him.
    Hey bluecastle! Hope you’re doing well!

    Our last convo was that we hid them and he “wasn’t even using them and wasn’t looking for anyone”. It was mostly about him working through his “issues” with being emotionally vulnerable. That was at the beginning of last month.

    Two weeks ago I brought up what we wanted to do (continue on the same or not) and he said he wanted to continue on (although yanno, not super serious). We had a handful of sleepovers and dates after that and all was status quo.

    To me, since this particular app had been hidden for the last month and some odd days, I’m not sure what changed for him in terms of thinking it was okay to reactivate? Or why, since he told me he wasn’t even looking and I got the distinct impression (and never thought otherwise) that it wasn’t me vs other women (for lack of a better analogy), but me vs his brain/fears.

    We are sexually and this whole time have been exclusive (in terms of not meeting others). I’m not sure what he was thinking with this move to be honest.

    I’m definitely NOT okay with him being back on the dating app after being off the whole time in ~my area. That’s not cool to me in the slightest and definitely isn’t what I consider “staying as we were”. For lack of a better term we have been a couple without the title.

    He’s done/said nothing to indicate he was not okay with this arrangement anymore (other than obv reactivating the app).

    I’m still reeling, but I’ve calmed down a bit since initially posting. Still don’t know what to do/say though that isn’t like “dude you’re so busted”

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Also, just a question: Is your friend in his new location? Like how did she see him on there? Was she just swiping herself?
    She was just swiping herself. And this was the app that I mentioned in my old post so when he “hid” it it was very much hidden/distance gone etc.

    I’ll admit this week I’ve tried to dial back my expectations because I’ve realized some things, but I’m not about to dial them back THAT far where he can now also be swiping lol.

    I mostly just wanted things to stay as they were. I feel like I needed a little more boundary (what I could reasonably expect as not a gf but not a casual one off/where I had to draw that line in not being too girlfriendy, etc), but other than those clarifications, I genuinely expected everything (esp these next few weeks) to stay the same. We never had impromptu meet ups when he was close-it was all planned out so really nothing should have felt different.

    He was also mentioning about how he was going to be back soon/excited to come back/can’t wait to see your place when I’m back (as in over the summer)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh.

    I just don't think this guy is able to give you a straight answer. By which I don't mean he's being purposely shady, but that he just doesn't know how to be straightforward. It leaves you filling in the blanks, in ways that come back to bite you when reality is a little different.

    So, sure, you can talk to him. I would just be calm. "Hey, there's something I need to bring up. A friend saw you on the app, and I have to say I was taken aback. Whatever we are, I've been under the impression that we're exploring it without exploring other options, and that we'd be honest with each other if anything changed."

    That said, I suspect he'll do some hemming and hawing that really won't sit well, and if that's the case you need to be ready to cut bait.

    And, honestly, it's just hard for me to see what you're still getting at this point. I mean, can you answer that question right now? Like, what is the point of staying in this?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Ugh.

    I just don't think this guy is able to give you a straight answer. By which I don't mean he's being purposely shady, but that he just doesn't know how to be straightforward. It leaves you filling in the blanks, in ways that come back to bite you when reality is a little different.

    So, sure, you can talk to him. I would just be calm. "Hey, there's something I need to bring up. A friend saw you on the app, and I have to say I was taken aback. Whatever we are, I've been under the impression that we're exploring it without exploring other options, and that we'd be honest with each other if anything changed."

    That said, I suspect he'll do some hemming and hawing that really won't sit well, and if that's the case you need to be ready to cut bait.

    And, honestly, it's just hard for me to see what you're still getting at this point. I mean, can you answer that question right now? Like, what is the point of staying in this?
    I really appreciate the verbatim quote because I really need it now.

    DEFINITELY cutting ties if he hems and haws about that-like dude COME ON.

    on here i know I register at a -10 on the cool/calm/collected scale but I’ve literally been cool as a cucumber with him-even telling him not to freak out when I brought something up because he looked like he’d seen a ghost or I’d just told him I had five heads lol.

    I don’t know if I’m latching on to the good times and still believing he’s that guy, etc. I guess I haven’t really put much thought into it, but up until he left/this point he was someone I enjoyed sharing things with and hearing from. I felt secure and honestly like nothing would be different. Sure I’m seeing some cracks in the foundation as far as where I fall on the priority scale, but he made these plans with me last week and I thought to myself “oh wow, he’s really making the effort!” And I was so excited to get to go to this event with him (and I don’t even really like sports so go figure)

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I very much get that you're cool with him, while being jittery on here. Which is kind of the problem. The authentic you is somewhere in between, and if a relationship makes accessing the authentic you a challenge—well, problems.

    And, if I may, I think the big problem here is that somewhere, deep in your core, you doubt the strength of this connection, and probably have for a while. How into you is he? How into him are you? Those questions have never quite stopped percolating. If you were confident in it, if you were secure, you wouldn't need the apps to be much of a gauge at this stage. You'd just kind of...know. And you'd be genuinely cucumber-like, instead of using a cucumber front to extract little nuggets to be able to chill, lean into it, explore.

    Perhaps you both got into this in a similar headspace: not looking to jump in, down to explore, no rush to label, and so on. And that's why it worked, for a bit. And maybe that authentic you remains genuinely open to that sort of exploration, but to go there it needs to be a connection you're more confident in than this one—something deeper, more intentional, something with that mysterious juju that we all want, and you so want this to have, but perhaps there's just not enough of it.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I very much get that you're cool with him, while being jittery on here. Which is kind of the problem. The authentic you is somewhere in between, and if a relationship makes accessing the authentic you a challenge—well, problems.

    And, if I may, I think the big problem here is that somewhere, deep in your core, you doubt the strength of this connection, and probably have for a while. How into you is he? How into him are you? Those questions have never quite stopped percolating. If you were confident in it, if you were secure, you wouldn't need the apps to be much of a gauge at this stage. You'd just kind of...know. And you'd be genuinely cucumber-like, instead of using a cucumber front to extract little nuggets to be able to chill, lean into it, explore.

    Perhaps you both got into this in a similar headspace: not looking to jump in, down to explore, no rush to label, and so on. And that's why it worked, for a bit. And maybe that authentic you remains genuinely open to that sort of exploration, but to go there it needs to be a connection you're more confident in than this one—something deeper, more intentional, something with that mysterious juju that we all want, and you so want this to have, but perhaps there's just not enough of it.
    I can agree with you on that. And I can admit that a number of smaller events before him leaving no doubt are playing their role in how I feel now.

    I am fairly certain though that I’d still react mostly the same-less of a tizzy maybe, but underneath that frantic, nausea induced state is genuine me going “what the actual eff? This is not what we agreed on”.

    I think I’ve been a little unsteady about our connection based on those other things I touched on above, but that by and large is mostly causing my initial “panic” I suppose we can call it.

    I love coming here for perspective though because my immediate reaction was/maybe still kinda is “torch the trader” haha.

    It’s odd because I do need some more time in this “space” and the more I’m in it the more I am genuinely like “thank the heavens he didn’t agree to be official when I first asked”. TOTAL wrong call on my part. I was trying to assess the bigger picture of why I was hurt when I first found him on the apps and ultimately I wanted a relationship-so I pressed for it thinking that I could bypass the uncomfortable “soooo you said you hid the apps and you didntttttt) convo. Really my issue was that I felt like he lied and that’s how I should have addressed it.

    What’s happening now (dating site wise), isn’t what I signed up for and though wondering about other paths and should have/what if’s don’t help-I 100% think I’d be in the same situation and finding out all these little cracks as time goes on.

    I almost feel like I’m getting a lesson that needs to be learned out of it? Like if I had walked a month ago I would have felt like I left the greatest person in the world (even if he didn’t want to be with me the way I wanted him to lol). This experience almost takes him off that pedestal. <- this is me attempting to find a silver lining in this whole shebang.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    To be completely fair AKN, you insisted on believing you were in a relationship without the labels, he never said those words to you, infact i remember quite well that multiple people including blue said it’s probably best to just accept the situation and him as he was or walk away.

    While he completely sugar coated the truth he told you what you needed to make an informed decision, he is not in a relationship with you and I’d bet a shiny quarter if you confront him like ‘caught you’ his rebuttal can easily be, ‘I never said we were in a relationship.’

    Does that excuse him reopening the dating sites, no of course not, I’d be livid, but AKN long distance with no labels... Your red flag meter isn’t off, I think you just kept moving the goal post.

    definitely don’t confront, give yourself some time. If you still want to go, GO, if not don’t, either decision do what’s best for you, but you have got to accept what he’s showing and telling you, not what if’s, not well maybes, you either accept it or you don’t.

    I’m sorry this new revelation happened.

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