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Thread: Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

  1. #81
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So, bottom line. Have you decided to keep dating and sleeping with him?
    My guess would be yes, otherwise she would not have left such a huge elephant in the room, as Fio opined. And told us she ended it.

    I suppose akr will leave when she's ready -- clearly she's not quite ready yet.

    akr, I hope you at least took something from this 9 page thread..

    Best of luck and hope you feel better soon. :)

  2. #82
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    I've never wished I'd stayed in a bad or unsatisfactory relationship longer, but I have regretted not leaving sooner.

  3. #83
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    I try to never have regrets. It's all a journey, one big learning experience and if one leaves before being emotionally ready, they often end up second guessing wondering if they did the right thing.

    I truly believe some relationships are like addictions and you have to reach rock bottom, the bottom of the barrel, before you're finally ready to leave..

    Here, the lack of full disclosure is telling.

    I would not even be surprised if akr apologized to him for not believing him and then relished in the attention she received from him "taking care" of her.

    I have no idea, I just would not be surprised.

    I hope I'm wrong though.

  4. #84
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I try to never have regrets. It's all a journey, one big learning experience and if one leaves before being emotionally ready, they often end up second guessing wondering if they did the right thing.

    I truly believe some relationships are like addictions and you have to reach rock bottom, the bottom of the barrel, before you're finally ready to leave..

    Here, the lack of full disclosure is telling.

    I would not even be surprised if akr apologized to him for not believing him and then relished in the attention she received from him "taking care" of her.

    I have no idea, I just would not be surprised.

    I hope I'm wrong though.
    Hey Kat!

    I agree, and thatís kind of how Iíve been feeling this is-an addiction for lack of a better term. I do feel a little of that gaslighting that East mentioned. Problem is I was so happy with myself before he came into the picture and honestly for the two months we were first dating. I canít find the crack in the foundation within myself that let this happen.

    That was my full disclosure though, nothing was brought up of it again. The next day was more of the same of him being his normal sweet self before I was ready to head off. I donít know that I relished in it, but I didnít fight it. I kept everything as status quo and even accepted to offer to come out again (I figured I could always cancel, but probably in the moment I was excited.) I kind of left everything as is so I could get home and get better. Realistically I knew that bringing it up again wasnít going to get me anywhere-so I guess, for the time being, I bought into it.

    I needed to be away from his influence and now that Iím feeling a bit better (health wise) and getting that distance-nothing has changed. Sure heís not on the apps anymore, but that wasnít my intention going in. Heís still a liar, like I said he claimed first he hadnít been on there and then that he accidentally opened the app and it must have made him active again. Neither of those are actual things and plus I have the updated pic and bio still that I never brought up because, well I donít know exactly-I think I was afraid to bring that up given his reaction to everything else.

    Iím ashamed/was afraid to post because I built myself up for this and Iíve worked so hard over the last few years to NOT be the person I am being. I used to be like this (although, I donít even think to this extreme way back then) and to see myself back here and almost worse is crushing-like all that work was for nothing.

    I donít know why the reaction he had affected me like it did. Iíve dated countless men over the last few years and have nexted them no problem. I think Iím trying to figure that out because I donít want another guy to be able to come in and do the same thing. I canít tell if it was his refusal to engage, the stark difference between how he used to make me feel or maybe heís dangling just enough, but something kept me from my normal middle finger and storm out self and I donít know why.

    I think part of my problem too is that I panic that things are my fault. On more than one occasion last week, when he didnít text me, I freaked out thinking ďwhat if heís ghosting me because he found the forum and read everything and figured out it was me talking about him??Ē Then when thatís not the case, itís like such a sigh of relief that I donít even acknowledge that heís demonstrating cra**y behavior-Iím just glad it wasnít because of me. Itís like thatís when my own sleuthing AND/or chatting about him bites me in the butt. Iím so glad to get feedback and have the knowledge I have, but then I freak out that heís figured that out. Normally my motto has been ďif I have to question, Iím outĒ and all my self reflection isnít pointing to any reason why this situation should be different.

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  6. #85
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This dude and all and any analysis of him, his behavior, this interaction, the whole situation is only a distraction to avoid all the dark corners of your life, feelings, thoughts, moods, anxieties and whatever else goes on.

    He is like a mirror. Merely a reflection upon which all these conflicting thoughts, feelings, etc are played out. You can continue this by seeing him and perpetuating the soap opera/reality tv like distraction it generates, but it will keep repeating itself because you are driving it no matter who you are with.

    For example in this brief post alone, one sentence states you were so happy before him and where are the cracks, then state that this has plagued you for a long time and you used to always be like this and have worked hard to not be who you are. Sure you can hide behind any type of guy and create all sorts of entertaining drama in your mind blaming them for this or that but is that who you really want to be?
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    -I was so happy with myself before he came into the picture and honestly for the two months we were first dating.

    -I canít find the crack in the foundation within myself that let this happen.

    -I kept everything as status quo and even accepted to offer to come out again
    -Iíve worked so hard over the last few years to NOT be the person I am being.

    -I used to be like this and to see myself back here and almost worse is crushing-like all that work was for nothing.

    -On more than one occasion last week, when he didnít text me, I freaked out thinking ďwhat if heís ghosting me because he found the forum and read everything and figured out it was me talking about him??Ē

  7. #86
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    This dude and all and any analysis of him, his behavior, this interaction, the whole situation is only a distraction to avoid all the dark corners of your life, feelings, thoughts, moods, anxieties and whatever else goes on.

    He is like a mirror. Merely a reflection upon which all these conflicting thoughts, feelings, etc are played out. You can continue this by seeing him and perpetuating the soap opera/reality tv like distraction it generates, but it will keep repeating itself because you are driving it no matter who you are with.

    For example in this brief post alone, one sentence states you were so happy before him and where are the cracks, then state that this has plagued you for a long time and you used to always be like this and have worked hard to not be who you are. Sure you can hide behind any type of guy and create all sorts of entertaining drama in your mind blaming them for this or that but is that who you really want to be?
    No itís not who I want to be. What Iím trying to figure out though is why, if these things are present, HE has been able to make them surface. What are these dark areas that no other dating arrangement or boyfriend has shown me in the last few years?

    I was happy in my life before I met him. I had accepted being single, having a good time, not hunting for a man and everything was great-any guy was the icing on the cake if there was one and once they werenít-I was gone. Years worth of work went into getting to that point and Iíd been successfully navigating that for what felt like quite some time (or at least through 30-40 ďdatingĒ experiences).

    I didnít put up with shady behavior, if you didnít match my future I politely declined, etc. There were plenty of great guys that I felt like I did or could have clicked with, but at the end of the day it just didnít all line up. He left or I left and I was all the better. Heck, I even got ghosted once by I guy I really thought I liked and it didnít bother me for more than the day I was waiting for a text back.

    Hence why I canít figure out what might be going on beneath the surface that has me like this over this current dating. The paranoia of him finding things out (like my posts here, etc) while not impossible are largely irrational with very low odds. Aside from how great he is when we are together (up until his reaction to me blowing up his spot) heís no real different than any other guy Iíve been like ďthanks but no thanksĒ to.

  8. #87
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I've never wished I'd stayed in a bad or unsatisfactory relationship longer, but I have regretted not leaving sooner.
    Same. I can't for myself chalk up everything to "learning experience" and I loved the Dixie Chicks "taking the long way around" because I did. I regretted not leaving my ex boyfriend sooner because it hurt both of us -but hurt him too which wasn't right (I mean he is an adult and always could have left - he knew that and chose to stay, but still). It all worked out "in the end" but there are things I said and did -certainly not limited to romance! -that I regret, that I wonder what I was thinking. Luckily nothing at a level of trauma, etc but enough that I still cringe, and yes regret. And yes a lot of it is a journey. I personally wouldn't grow if I gave myself too much of a pass and it's a real challenge between "journey" and unnecessarily beating myself up. And that's probably typical!

  9. #88
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    No itís not who I want to be. What Iím trying to figure out though is why, if these things are present, HE has been able to make them surface. What are these dark areas that no other dating arrangement or boyfriend has shown me in the last few years?

    I was happy in my life before I met him. I had accepted being single, having a good time, not hunting for a man and everything was great-any guy was the icing on the cake if there was one and once they werenít-I was gone. Years worth of work went into getting to that point and Iíd been successfully navigating that for what felt like quite some time (or at least through 30-40 ďdatingĒ experiences).

    I didnít put up with shady behavior, if you didnít match my future I politely declined, etc. There were plenty of great guys that I felt like I did or could have clicked with, but at the end of the day it just didnít all line up. He left or I left and I was all the better. Heck, I even got ghosted once by I guy I really thought I liked and it didnít bother me for more than the day I was waiting for a text back.

    Hence why I canít figure out what might be going on beneath the surface that has me like this over this current dating. The paranoia of him finding things out (like my posts here, etc) while not impossible are largely irrational with very low odds. Aside from how great he is when we are together (up until his reaction to me blowing up his spot) heís no real different than any other guy Iíve been like ďthanks but no thanksĒ to.
    But seriously who cares in a way why this guy and not the others -because I think you're using it as an excuse to hold on "well I have to figure this out" leads to you thinking about him specifically more and then you "just won't be able to help" responding to his text or an invitation for "closure -i.e. telling yourself if you see him one more time and talk things out you'll get closure -and then you're off to the races again. I can't tell you why I had a really strong craving for a specific kind of cake at the store that I honestly don't love that much so I resisted a few times and gave in this past Sunday even though it was irrational -made no sense because of what I usually go for in cake. Honestly it's no different - meaning, don't tell yourself it's any different -resist the temptation to indulge in psychobabble about this person. You're not going to get to anything because it's pretty simple - he had a pull over you -we don't always know why -part of it was likely the challenge and drama of the bad boy, the liar - and it will work itself out in the periphery of your mind and likely when you meet someone who treats you with respect and like a lady and you actually feel that click you'll probably have that aha moment "oh this is what it's like to feel that way'

    (on the cake - the analogy isn't perfect because I am "lasting it" as I tell my son to do with treats -a little at a time, shared a little with my son, shamelessly told my husband since it's only 2 small slices - "oh you didn't really like that cake last time but you know help yourself" - so it's not like where you might go see him and stay over and have sex -i.e. eat the entire cake in one sitting).

  10. #89
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But seriously who cares in a way why this guy and not the others -because I think you're using it as an excuse to hold on "well I have to figure this out" leads to you thinking about him specifically more and then you "just won't be able to help" responding to his text or an invitation for "closure -i.e. telling yourself if you see him one more time and talk things out you'll get closure -and then you're off to the races again. I can't tell you why I had a really strong craving for a specific kind of cake at the store that I honestly don't love that much so I resisted a few times and gave in this past Sunday even though it was irrational -made no sense because of what I usually go for in cake. Honestly it's no different - meaning, don't tell yourself it's any different -resist the temptation to indulge in psychobabble about this person. You're not going to get to anything because it's pretty simple - he had a pull over you -we don't always know why -part of it was likely the challenge and drama of the bad boy, the liar - and it will work itself out in the periphery of your mind and likely when you meet someone who treats you with respect and like a lady and you actually feel that click you'll probably have that aha moment "oh this is what it's like to feel that way'

    (on the cake - the analogy isn't perfect because I am "lasting it" as I tell my son to do with treats -a little at a time, shared a little with my son, shamelessly told my husband since it's only 2 small slices - "oh you didn't really like that cake last time but you know help yourself" - so it's not like where you might go see him and stay over and have sex -i.e. eat the entire cake in one sitting).
    Haha Bat, the cake analogy made me chuckle, but Iím also the person who eats the whole cake in one sitting .

    I guess I never looked at it that way. I just assumed that people who were strong in themselves didnít ever fall for stuff like this. They got over their demons and they didnít allow anyone to bring them back up.

    Granted Iím still trying to figure out what those demons are. Maybe it was because I went in so nonchalantly at the beginning and was pleasantly surprised for once. I thought it was something I could get to the bottom of within myself, but perhaps youíre right in that I might never know.

    Iím very frustrated that Iíve allowed this to happen. Not even right now, but the whole last month when I REALLY cared. Iím trying very hard to look at it as a learning experience rather than just a waste of my time. While I do think Iíve found some interesting things about myself, I wish it could have happened without all the nonsense.

    I honestly never considered him a bad boy or a liar (well heís a liar now haha), but there has been the undercurrent this whole time of me feeling inadequate. Not one that got me day to day, but I distinctly remember telling my guy friend early on ďoh he probably just wants to try to get me in bed. No way a guy of his caliber would actively choose someone like me.Ē So everything heís done that disproved that slowly but surely made me think ďwow maybe this has a real chanceĒ.

    I donít know why I think/thought heís better than I am. We have the same level of education (which is rare in my area) and yeah I see him as worldly and intelligent because heís been all over, but that life had never appealed to me. These days everyone ďloves to travelĒ and I always swiped left on those profiles or if it came up in conversation I always lightheartedly responded ďoh yeah I like to travel...from the couch to the fridge for snacks.Ē

  11. #90
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    Itís not just him though AKN youíve let men do this for a while according to your other posts. Granted itís been a while since your last posts the issue of sleeping with a man and THEN wanting exclusivity has been a theme in your posts since 2013 ( I seriously suggest you go back and reread your words)so even though you say youíre stronger, this isnít how you normally do things, it must be this it must be that. this seems to be how youíve always been in your relationships with men. Is there a deeper issue causing it? Most likely. But that doesnít excuse you staying.

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