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Thread: Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately although he was nice and things were going well while he was in town, all along both of you knew it was temporary and casual. Why would this friend be investigating his dating profile? While he was in your area, you were dating exclusively but after he left everything was quite nebulous as to what you want and what he's doing.

    He probably is looking forward to seeing you. Nothing insincere about that. However the entire time is was unclear if it was going to continue beyond casual dating whether in your town or his new location.

    It sees like a miscommunication and a misinterpretation of the situation. Even though it was very clear he would be leaving and it was casual, it seems you were hoping a casual dating situation would turn into a more serious but LDR, but he never indicated that or led you on.

    See him again if you want to but if long distance casual dating is not satisfying or working for you perhaps it's time to end things. It can be done on the phone since it's long distance, short term and casual.
    Originally Posted by akrngrl

    My friend just texted me a pic of his profile on a dating site though that I know for a fact was hidden (aka couldnít see in the rotation anymore and no distance showed up under his profile). It is very much NOT hidden now.. I still have access to his profile without swiping and I checked and it is in fact ďliveĒ.

    ó-> just got a text that said something to effect of ďjust got done for the day Iím looking forward to seeing you :*Ē

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately although he was nice and things were going well while he was in town, all along both of you knew it was temporary and casual. Why would this friend be investigating his dating profile? While he was in your area, you were dating exclusively but after he left everything was quite nebulous as to what you want and what he's doing.

    He probably is looking forward to seeing you. Nothing insincere about that. However the entire time is was unclear if it was going to continue beyond casual dating whether in your town or his new location.

    It sees like a miscommunication and a misinterpretation of the situation. Even though it was very clear he would be leaving and it was casual, it seems you were hoping a casual dating situation would turn into a more serious but LDR, but he never indicated that or led you on.

    See him again if you want to but if long distance casual dating is not satisfying or working for you perhaps it's time to end things. It can be done on the phone since it's long distance, short term and casual.
    Thanks wiseman, I appreciate your input, but I also would like to clarify that that wasnít the agreement. We had defined terms, it wasnít a casual thing in the sense that we were allowed to explore other options. Casual in the sense that we werenít ďsuper serious marriage drivenĒ? Sure.

    Our terms this entire time were that we werenít on the apps and we werenít looking to meet anyone. And when we spoke to weeks ago we agreed to continue on in the distance as we had been.

    Iím not sure how there could be a miscommunication about that. Or how one would expect someone to be exclusively dating for three months and then open up the app without saying anything. Nothing about dating others while together was ever on the table or up for discussion.

    I donít think my friend was patrolling, she was swiping and was like ďheyyyyy did you guys break up or whatever because he just came upĒ.

    Iím sorry if I come off curt, Iím just frustrated that this situation could potentially be seen in that light-as something flippant and casual and kind of whatever. If others can interpret it like that Iím sure he can, but I think he knows deep down that itís not cool.

    Plus the comment he made about asking me to tell him if I wanted to go off with someone else (and his joking judgey side eye if I said an actor was handsome) led me to believe he would NOT be okay with me out and about with others.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Exclusive dating (no sex with/actively dating others) does not make it serious or long term. Running around defining semantics is not the point. The point is he left town, he's back on dating apps and you need to decide what you want.

    For me, a long distance nonexclusive nebulous whatever you want to call it would be a huge waste of time. On all fronts. Long distance is a huge headache. A situation that is largely looking at a screen is useless unless that situation is very temporary. Nonexclusive is a deal-breaker. No desire to run around getting STD tests and playing musical beds.

    So it's unclear why you would even want to bother with this whole thing, but you seem to want to keep defining and redefining and hanging on.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Exclusive dating (no sex with/actively dating others) does not make it serious or long term. Running around defining semantics is not the point. The point is he left town, he's back on dating apps and you need to decide what you want.

    For me, a long distance nonexclusive nebulous whatever you want to call it would be a huge waste of time. On all fronts. Long distance is a huge headache. A situation that is largely looking at a screen is useless unless that situation is very temporary. Nonexclusive is a deal-breaker. No desire to run around getting STD tests and playing musical beds.

    So it's unclear why you would even want to bother with this whole thing, but you seem to want to keep defining and redefining and hanging on.
    Thatís fair, thank you for clarifying.

    I think youíre in the logical headspace, big picture, figure out how youíre going to handle the facts at hand.

    Unfortunately Iím still in the unproductive headspace of ďhow is this happening?/ What went wrong?Ē

    Your headspace is where I want to be though so I just hope I get there soon.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thatís fair, thank you for clarifying.

    I think youíre in the logical headspace, big picture, figure out how youíre going to handle the facts at hand.

    Unfortunately Iím still in the unproductive headspace of ďhow is this happening?/ What went wrong?Ē

    Your headspace is where I want to be though so I just hope I get there soon.
    Yes it will take a second to make sense of everything and see through the fog of hurt and anger. Allow yourself time.

    Itís hard to be objective when feelings are involved and honestly from what Iíve seen you havenít been objective at all with him thus far, nows the time to start.

    You keep pushing this agreement. We had an agreement, we had an agreement. I hear you, I do and Iím the last person to judge anyone situations, label how you want. define it how you choose, itís your life,
    live it. BUT again objectively he clearly did not put as much emphasis on the agreement as you did. That where this whole thing falls apart. He isnít and hasnít been on the same page as you are.

    Iím going to assume you two are sexually active again.

    If nothing else while you go through your process Iíd stop.

    Itíll help you see past your emotions a bit more and you need to take your sexual health into account here.

    I think I said it in your other thread a man who travels and has a girlfriend at every port, itís a stereotype for a reason. It happens men and women do this. Thatís why most are weary of dating people Ďin town for a few weeks letís see what happensí types. When I did do online dating, I couldnít run far enough away from those types, not because I thought they were bad people but the opportunity to build something wasnít that there and the risk of getting hurt was high because they werenít local. You keep putting the responsibility to tell you whatís up on him but the facts are all there for you to decide for yourself:

    Travels a lot.
    Wonít commit.
    Keep catching him on dating sites.
    Takes you one dates and you have a great time.
    Invites you on fun weekends away.
    Genuinely enjoy each otherís company.
    Youíre anxious all the time.
    Youíre Ďmommying himí by constantly checking to ensure heís following the rules of your non defined long distance situation.
    Heís sweet and caring.
    You donít trust him.

    Once the fog clears, look at the raw facts. Thereís good and thereís bad here but as youíve been told ad nauseam youíre either ok with all this or you arenít.

    ETA: Look to be fair you also need to pull up your big girl panties and decide why youre dating yourself. ĎIím not sure But Iíll know when I seeí is a guaranteed way to get your heart broken. Dating with boundaries and intentions isnít only smart but it keeps you emotionally safe. Even if your dating goal is to just go out and eat and hang and enjoy each others company know your desires when you go looking, otherwise youíre a sitting duck for men who will say what a woman wants to hear to get in her pants. Not saying thatís what this guys doing but you know what not saying it isnít either...
    Last edited by figureitout23; 02-08-2019 at 09:28 AM.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Yes it will take a second to make sense of everything and see through the fog of hurt and anger. Allow yourself time.

    Itís hard to be objective when feelings are involved and honestly from what Iíve seen you havenít been objective at all with him thus far, nows the time to start.

    You keep pushing this agreement. We had an agreement, we had an agreement. I hear you, I do and Iím the last person to judge anyone situations, label how you want. define it how you choose, itís your life,
    live it. BUT again objectively he clearly did not put as much emphasis on the agreement as you did. That where this whole thing falls apart. He isnít and hasnít been on the same page as you are.

    Iím going to assume you two are sexually active again.

    If nothing else while you go through your process Iíd stop.

    Itíll help you see past your emotions a bit more and you need to take your sexual health into account here.

    I think I said it in your other thread a man who travels and has a girlfriend at every port, itís a stereotype for a reason. It happens men and women do this. Thatís why most are weary of dating people Ďin town for a few weeks letís see what happensí types. When I did do online dating, I couldnít run far enough away from those types, not because I thought they were bad people but the opportunity to build something wasnít that hereís and the risk of getting hurt was high because they werenít local. You keep putting the responsibility to tell you whatís up on him but the facts are all there for you to decide for yourself:

    Travels a lot.
    Wonít commit.
    Keep catching him on dating sites.
    Takes you one dates and you have a great time.
    Invites you on fun weekends away.
    Genuinely enjoy each otherís company.
    Youíre anxious all the time.
    Youíre Ďmommying himí by constantly checking to ensure heís following the rules of your non defined long distance situation.
    Heís sweet and caring.
    You donít trust him.

    Once the fog clears, look at the raw facts. Thereís good and thereís bad here but as youíve been told as nauseam youíre either ok with all this or you arenít.
    I agree FIO and I think Iím feeling regretful now that I listened to what he said even though it matched with his actions. For awhile he had me fooled that he was holding to our agreement and maybe he was, but he isnít now.

    I just figured he respected me enough as a person to hold to what we said about letting the other know if we wanted to see other people.

    I think I mostly feel disrespected...and betrayed. And i think I keep harping on the agreement we had in a way to process all of this, to ensure that I wasnít crazy or making it up in my head because thatís my inner dialogue: ďdid we not say this? No we did, we had parameters. Even still he didnít even want to be affiliated with the dating apps, okay youíre not crazy, youíre allowed to be shocked and hurtĒ.

    And again, heís still talking about when heís back this summer and how excited he is and I verbatim said ďweíre either doing this the whole time or not at all, Iím not going to be your state of __________ hookup.Ē And all he ever has done was assure me that heís not like that and he canít handle that and heís not looking for anyone else and wants to work through his mental blocks to be with me.

    Frankly, itís exhausting to feel all these emotional extremes so quickly, but mostly I just feel stupid underneath it all. Iím better than this and Iím a sure spotter for bs and yet here I am.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like he would like a girl in every port, so to speak, so when he's there he's all there and when he's not there, he's not. Of course he has to do some "maintenance" texts and dates in between.

    This is about you, not him. It's up to you to decide if a nebulous long distance thing is something worth your time and energy.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    ETA: Look to be fair you also need to pull up your big girl panties and decide why youre dating yourself. ĎIím not sure But Iíll know when I seeí is a guaranteed way to get your heart broken. Dating with boundaries and intentions isnít only smart but it keeps you emotionally safe. Even if your dating goal is to just go out and eat and hang and enjoy each others company know your desires when you go looking, otherwise youíre a sitting duck for men who will say what a woman wants to hear to get in her pants. Not saying thatís what this guys doing but you know what not saying it isnít either...
    Youíre right. And right now I canít put my finger on it. I mean I was dating to find a husband haha, but my friend had challenged me to a week of saying yes. I was making it ďtoo business-likeĒ and taking the fun out of dating. I was also having like a handful of dates lined up and cancelling more than half because of incompatibilities that arose through texting. So the challenge was to meet people that met my basic requirements and learn about them as I go rather than grill it from the get go.

    Ironically the ONLY reason I said yes to him initially was because he was in my town and I lined the date up to be after I ran my weekend errands. Even after a great time, I figured it was a one off, but he kept pursuing me and he was so good at setting up dates and remembering places I had mentioned in convo and taking me there that I was surprised and I fell for it.

    Trust me, I thought it was a chance too about getting in my pants, but I waited a month and a half and even had the sexually exclusive convo the week before anything went down just to make sure hormones werenít faking us being on the same page. He was a champ. Even through the last month of me not being okay with intimacy because of our state. Still was super respectful.

    Honestly this has shaken me way worse than most because of the dishonestly in comparison to how he presents himself to me. Not even sure how Iíd begin to rebuild my trust in people.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like he would like a girl in every port, so to speak, so when he's there he's all there and when he's not there, he's not. Of course he has to do some "maintenance" texts and dates in between.

    This is about you, not him. It's up to you to decide if a nebulous long distance thing is something worth your time and energy.
    That does seem what itís like wiseman and Iím wondering if anything he told me is the truth.

    Not okay with being one of many especially since Iím not balancing more than him.

  11. #30
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    I dated a guy who was a bit like this man.

    He told me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. In fact, the words he used were "I'd never CHEAT on you!!" (Cheat??)

    After we stopped dating (my decision), he admitted he had, in fact, been sleeping with others. He didn't want me to know because then I'd stop sleeping with him.

    This man also pursued me, we had hours long conversations, we spent a lot of time together going places and doing things. But when we weren't together (we were semi-long distance, about 2 1/2 hours apart and yes, he pursued me strongly to date), he was sleeping with others and not telling me.

    The reason we stopped dating is because he had started spending less and less time with me. Communication slowed down, he went from spending every weekend with me to every 4-5 weeks or so and only late Saturday evening until early Sunday morning (booty call, essentially, except it was planned ahead) and I was tired of it. Turns out, he was LIVING WITH another woman and was telling her he was out of town working on the weekends he spent with me.

    And again, this man gave me A LOT of attention.

    So yeah, it can happen. Some people justify their behavior by saying they don't have the "official" couple titles (sound familiar?) or they don't want to be so serious or whatever.

    I just didn't think he was worth me hoping he'd set aside time to spend with me. It became stressful, anxiety-inducing and just plain no fun.

    I would say be prepared for him to say just enough of what you want to hear to keep this situation going. I mean, it's a win-win for him, right?

    PS: I find it interesting that you feel "compassion" for him. Do you truly think he's this poor struggling soul who is trying desperately to figure out what he wants from life and relationships?

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